Keith and David (you thread jacking little sucker...lol):
Have you guys actually *read* Surviving an Affair??? I know you have it David, but are you skimming? Are you thinking "Oh that part doesn't apply to me?"
I can only speak for my WS, but he didn't want any *hugs* from me, he didn't want me to tell him I loved him....he visably bristled when I did say it. So, I stopped doing that. I could still fill his EN's without doing those things.
The "cute little chicky-poo" comment in my opinion was just to get your goat, to transfer some of what she's feeling onto you....You know the WS has to make what he/she is doing YOUR fault, or they wouldn't be able to live with themselves.
Plan A....which you are both in, is about filling your WS's EN's, whatever those may be, and NOT expecting a reaction, or for them to reciprocate...that is why it is SOOOO EXHAUSTING...you're needs aren't getting met AT ALL, they are too fogged to care about your needs.
Keith, the necklace was a very nice gesture for Valentines day.....perhaps, the way your wife is feeling right now, she doesn't feel she "deserves" a hug from you......so.....now we know this.....we stop trying to do it. If she initiates a hug...GREAT. If she doesn't, you don't offer. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP, OR THE OM, UNLESS SHE BRINGS IT UP!
My WS would make "boyfriend" comments constantly...because hey, if I had a boyfriend (In theory) then it'd be okay for him to have a girlfriend. Whenever he said something like that I'd say "Ummm I'm not going to date, I'm married"....they are projecting, they are trying to make you the *BAD* guy, so they don't have to be.
You are trying to make yourself a viable alternative to the other man, you are filling her needs without asking for anything in return (You, of course 1st must know what those needs are), you are being loving while they are being a complete and total [censored]. Which confuses them, they think "Wait, I'm doing X,Y and Z" and my husband still appears to love me....what's up with that?!?! I'm so horrible to him, and he still acts in a loving way towards me.....THEY AREN'T GOING TO TELL YOU, but somewhere in their little pea brains the thought does pop up.
So do the EN questionnaire....David I know you've tried this one, and Keith, not sure if you have.
You can't *fill* their needs, if you don't *know* their needs......and I don't think I'd even bother giving them the questionnaire of your needs, they can't fill them right now anyway.
Plan A, Plan A, rah! rah! rah! I know that you are both guys, and I assume it's a little harder for you to be stepped all over, like a WS tends to do...it's some testosterone thing I think, it just makes you less apt to be able to take all that punishment, and not tell your WS to F-Off.
But, you have to put your feelings aside. I was very adept at not even thinking about the OW when I was with my husband....that was my time to work on him. Yes, I'd get little flashes, but I'd make a conscious effort to say "NO! I'm not going to think about that!"
Keith-
Yes....continue to rebuild yourself. NO....don't talk about the guilt, unless she wants to talk about it.....and when and if she does ALWAYS USE "I" STATEMENTS. In example: "I feel sad because you have feelings for another man" ....as opposed to "You
make me feel sad because you have feelings for another man" Like it or not boys they are not MAKING you feel anything, YOU are making YOU feel bad about it. Just as you are powerless to control your WS, they also don't have the power to MAKE you do anything.....you are reacting to what they're doing. Is it their fault you're in pain ABSOLUTELY....but you have to accept a little of the blame for the situation that made the A possible.
So, if she wants to talk, talk. If she doesn't want to talk don't. Here's another trick, DON'T call your WS's UNLESS you have something particular you NEED to ask them. Let them call you, DO NOT PURSUE THEM. They don't want to be pursued......they don't know what to do with that, and it validates all the reasons they've made up in their minds as to why it's okay to have an affair.
Again...Keith....you say you think your wifes EA is coming apart, that's good.....let it. I sometimes think people think that their WS is having an EA only, because they can't face that it may be a PA (**Hint** If you think it's an EA because they told you it wasn't physical....well, they lie about everything else right?) If I were you I would just go ahead and assume it's physical....one is no more damaging to a marriage than the other one IMO.
So...I guess what I'm trying to say is.....do what you need to do to change the things that your WS finds as a fault in you. Fill their EN's without expectation of a thank you, or any reciprocation.
That's all folks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
-Caren
<small>[ February 16, 2005, 03:53 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>
