Good luck options! As you can see, although I don't post much to you anymore, I'm still around and following this thread closely... You're currently in good hands with the other advisors around here! Keep it up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank You! Yes, Mel, Mac, Legato, Noodle, Bob Pure, Trix and you have all been a blessing to me....

Options,

Ask your wife if she wants to end the affair? Also ask. Do you want to begin the slow process of helping me to have restored trust in you?

I think the answers to both will be a yes. If yes, explain to your wife that the best way to achieve those two goals is the use of a NC letter.

An NC letter does many things.

It communicates to the affair partner that your wife is recommitting to the marriage. It also is a written statement in essence to you, options, expressing the same commitment level.

It ends the affair in a very static environment. No secret last meetings to express "our undying love forever. Think of me when you look at the ______ (fill in the blank w/ ocean, mountains, clouds)" Vommit! Too much romantic drama crud could occur here between your WW and OM. You get the idea.

These secret "good-bye" meetings can turn into the last sex. This may only weeken a WS resolve in becoming a FWS.

The other main benefit of the NC letter is that it begins the process to restore your trust in WW. She's decided that her M to you is more important than a cheap ride at Fantasyland (Sorry Uncle Walt)

She is visibly demonstrating her desire to make things right. You won and he lost. The letter also shows that she is shifting her protection mode from OM back to you.

This same theory also pertains to disclosure to OP's spouse. Your wife is no longer protecting him and stands behind you.

The NC letter should be short and not so sweet.

It should contain the following concepts IMHO:

*our EA,PA was a horrible mistake

*I'll regret it forever

*I am attempting to repair my marriage

*I will never contact you again

*You should never attempt to contact me either

*If you do,I will immediately inform my H so that he can trust me again

It should not have any of the flowery "have a good life" "hope you will always be well" This may tell OM that there is yet hope and that she is sending this letter under duress.

My W wouldn't send the NC letter w/out addind the "I hope you and your family have a happy life" or some such drivel.

This left the door open thru which he attempted to slither.

Slam the door.

Mac

If you have started to read SAA I remember some early chapters of the book being very effective in getting my H to understand the importance of NC for life. I remember getting him to read pertinent passages before he actually read the whole book himself.

I think she should compose her own NC letter that is short and to the point. I believe that she will need to be actively be involved in recovery by making her own efforts. But I suppose that if your is so generic and she agrees to sign it...there is something to be said for that effort.

Mac/Trix, Very good information on NC letter. Thank you. I hope she will be serious about committing to NC and our M. That is what it really comes down to. Right?

I tried to make an appointment today w/ SH and he is out until Monday plus does not do evening appointments. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know it will be extremely hard getting the W to take time off work to make one of his availale time slots. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I guess I will see what W says about it tonight.

I think W is fogged in again. She hasn't returned my voicemail or email about the appointment either.

Opt.

Hey options,

I've been swamped at work and only now been able to catch up on recent developments. Sounds like things are progressing. MIL broke through fog sounds like and had a positive effect.

Maybe you could conference call in the daytime with SH and wife at lunchtime.

As far as NC letter I believe that its best if both of you write it and her heart is completely in it rather you write it and she merely signs it. It does of course need to include the required elements, "what we did was wrong", "we have hurt my family and jeopardized my marriage" "this is it, the end", etc.

Until she is persuaded that these things are true it may not have the desired effect of establishing absolute NC.

Keep up the good work.

Hey options, I think SH does early morning appts and until 6pm. I wouldn't even ask her again if she is going to talk to him, just make the appt when you know she is available and just present it like you expect her to do like she agreed.

I thought Mac had a good idea about presenting the NC letter.

Also, I am curious about your mother. What is her role in all this and how did she come to hire a P.I.? Have you seen the pictures? Have you given any thought to paying him a visit with some pictures in hand?

All of SH appointment times are when WW works. SH only goes until 1:30p.m. central time. WW told me she would NOT do it during work hours. I should have just made the appointment for one of those time but I know she wouldn't have done it. I am in the process of trying to convince her to take 1 hour out of her day to do it. She has not committed to it yet but hopefully she will.

I don't have the pictures. The PI does. I really don't want to look at them. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I don't want to take them to the OM either because I don't want them to know how I know the A is still going on. Make sense?

My moms role is to protect her baby boy and this is how she thinks she can help. She hired PI on her own (before I even told her anything. Call it mothers intuition). Mom was a BS once and knows the pain. Even if we save our M, the relationship with WW and her MIL is more than likely done.

WW would not talk to me last night. She seemed depressed.

Opt.

Opt, I very much think you should get those pictures and let them know you have them! You do not have to tell them how you happen to have them. But they must be USED TO END THE AFFAIR!

He needs to know that you have all the ammunition you need to walk into the principal's office and ruin him. He needs to know you have the goods on him.

Now, your mother paid good money on your behalf, please use this valuable evidence to fire a bullet into the heart of the affair.

Those pictures coupled with your contact with the OM might very well be the thing that demolishes this affair, Opt.

Please contact him. There is no reason to not contact him and delay only puts you one more day away from recovery.

P.S. keep working on getting her agreement for the SH appointment.

Mel, I called OM last night twice. I think he is avoiding my calls. I know you said not to email him but what if I emailed him asking him to meet to talk? If he is avoiding my calls he may not want to meet me somewhere but maybe it is worth a try. What do ya think?

Opt.

Do you know where he lives?

WW emailed me this morning (about SH appointment) "I would have to take time off work to this.....I'm not sure how that can happen right now; I'll check. "

I am still working on it.

Opt.

Yes, I think I have a pretty good idea where he lives.
Opt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> WW emailed me this morning (about SH appointment) "I would have to take time off work to this.....I'm not sure how that can happen right now; I'll check. "

I am still working on it.

Opt. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good job. Stick with it.

You know what I am thinking about the OM. Are you considering it?

No, what are you thinking about OM?

I wouldn't wait to get an appointment from sleazeboy to go see him, I would show up at his abode. With pictures in hand.

I think the pictures are necessary because you need to shake him up and you don't want to waste any time in a he said/she said debate. The pictures remove any and all excuses and lies and force him to face the issue.

Show him that you possess a CANNON that is aimed right at his head.

And do it politely as hell....

"I understand that you are having an affair with my wife." [hand him a picture] "I wanted to know what your intentions are with my wife."

That is a start. From there, you can say that the pictures would stay private if he ended the affair today and agreeed to never speak or contact your wife again, even if she contacts him. If that does not happen, then the pictures will not stay private and that you are willing to do anything it takes to protect your family.

Do you know who his parents are?

I don't know who is OM's parents are or where they are from/live.

My mom doesn't want me to show the pictures...
She wants to hide that cannon in case we need them for legal help. I don't know....

It seems my mom is wanting to protect me and the kids more than our marriage at this point. That is why I said I have to be careful and control her. She would call the school in a minute if I asked her to. She wants to catch them together again to load our cannon even more if we would ever go to court.

With that said, I know I still need to contact OM and have a heart to heart discussion. I would much rather do it in person since he won't answer my call.

Remember, I have multiple emails (approx 20) from OM to WW and vice versa that I could show OM if you think that would help.

options, how would showing him a picture harm your position? A picture is worth a thousand words and disallows any room for denial.

But a more important point is that it conveys to him that sneaking around to see your W in the future, because you KNOW what he does in secret. That prevents him from getting any ideas about just being a better sneak if he knows you are watching him.

It gives them both NO REFUGE to hide an affair.