I don’t know how to sum this up so that it’s not a huge task to read it – however I do need someone to help me – not give up on my marriage and my husband.

I am tired. I am tired of not having my needs met – at all. I want my family back – but this seems like it will go on forever. (This un-decidedness, not knowing and waiting to get better.) The longer it goes on the less I actually believe he will come back to us and the more distant I feel myself growing. … the less I am starting to care. I have read from others this is not uncommon in the BS but I am afraid that my worst nightmare might be coming true – that my H won’t really want to come back and save our family until it is too late and I am really truly gone. I think in fact I am starting to live as if that is the most likely outcome.

As short as I can make it.

2001 – separation both our faults
2002 - recovery
July 04 – suspicion about OW
August 04 – H left – immediate separation
October 04 – truth about new OW revealed
November/December 04 – me plan A in and exposing
January 2 05 – end of affair.
First week of January – discussions about the possibility of recovery.

Since then H has been going to a counselor, on anti-depressants and trying to deal with his issues so he can come to a healthy decision about whether he is capable and/or wants to try and recover our marriage. He accepts his part in this and has made huge strides. We communicate really well. He is however increasingly anxious as he waits for the AD to start to take effect.

Beginning of February he was put on medication to lower his blood pressure because he is so stressed. He is however making great progress and we talk all the time.. BUT. . . he is anxious and unhappy when he is around me physically. When he is away he wants to talk to me. He doesn’t know what he wants – he is afraid of a decision. Has not filled out the EN Questionnaire but has told me that he can’t think of any LB I do or things he would change about me (other than my weight). Its part of what bothers him – (why he had an affair if he respects me etc and things I am a good wife, mother).

I was very frustrated last week. It seems if I support him it pushes him away, if I don’t it makes him anxious. If I talk about how I feel it makes him feel guilty and his blood pressure goes up, if we focus on him it makes him feel pressured. His counselor thinks he needs to confide in someone other than me and that he needs to relax and not stress about these issues.

Finally after a weekend of stress. We decided that we wouldn’t talk. If he needs me he knows he can turn to me and I told him specifically he would have to leave a message that says – please call. I want him to have space from me to figure out how his feels about me. Part of me thinks its his guilt over what he did that makes him anxious when he sees me – the counselor seems to think its that he feels pressured to make a decision.

So I am trying to avoid all contact. He texts me, has called a few times or emailed about the kids. He is just updating me. I don’t respond back. I just listen. He is doing better.

Here is the negative thought, I am having. It’s perfect for him. I am still here to listen –he can heal, grow and have me to tell about his day, anxiety etc. The change has been that I no longer tell him about my day – even the good things. I don’t tell him about the kids, or what I am thinking. I keep it all to myself. He calls when he needs me. When I need him, I bite my tongue and find something to keep me busy.

HOW long can this go one. Already I feel myself shutting down. How long will a man stay in withdrawal from an OW ( he thinks he no longer is) – or how long can it take for someone to decide if they are healthy enough emotionally to attempt recovery? When am I fool for waiting patiently for him to decide if I and our children are worth the effort?

I am so sad and, now worse, I am lonely. I know why BS find others. I can sense the danger of confiding in someone else. A man who is paying attention to me that I have already firmly decided not to date and have told him so – makes my day by saying hi and asking how I am. Imagine that – asking about me and my day. It makes me feel wanted BUT worse it makes me so painfully aware of what I don’t get from my H that I am scared. Scared that I am on the edge of walking away. After all I have been through to save this marriage how can I let that happen!!!

I am afraid to tell him how I feel to cause further anxiety. I don’t want to push and undermine his counseling. I don’t want to lose him, or my children’s chance at a united family. I don’t want to give in to my own need for companionship and reassurance. I have even changed my login here because sometimes he reads my posts and I don’t want this to cause him more stress. To clarify I am not hiding anything from him - but until I know how to deal with what I am feeling I am afraid it will just make him a) anxious that I might leave or b)mad that I am not there for him or c) give up. He’d know if he read it its so obviously us– but I think he just scans for my posts - so he want gravitate to it.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

I feel like a martyr half the time for trying so hard to forgive and help a man who has hurt me and our children so badly and the other half the time I hate myself for needing to be valued and being impatient when he has obviously made so many strides – and yes I BELIEVE he has to work on himself before we have a chance. I am such a hypocrite – but I still feel like my marriage is slipping away from me and its me now who is doing it. I am really starting to not like myself.

Good lord, I wrote another book. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

E,

Why are you putting such a burden on both of you? Seems like limbo land is doing more harm than good?

You asked for tips so here comes the list (some of this you already know):

1. Read His Needs/Her Needs. You read it first then give him a copy to read, then u 2 discuss it.

2. Both of you take the EN questionnaire again. If he doesn't you take it once as you and once as him.

3. Call Steve H and setup phone counseling for both of you ASAP.

4. Read the book Boundaries By Anne Katherine MA.

5. Identify and set your boundaries.

6. He has to work on his issues and meeting your needs and you need to do the same with yours.

6 tips for starters. Want more or can you do these 1st?

L.

How you interact with the other person determines how that person will interact with you.
When you are critical, controlling or take sides against someone, that person will automatically get upset, put up his or her walls of protection, and become critical towards you.
Then you will get upset and become more critical of him or her. Then the other person will become more critical of you. Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking and withdrawing from each other.
It's this cycle of conflict that creates all the suffering in our relationships. Fortunately, it takes two people to create and maintain this cycle. It only takes one person to end it. To end the cycle of conflict, you need to stop fueling it.
Use the following Ground Rules and take the conflict out of your relationship.

1. Accept the person. - When you fight the way someone is, you get upset and fuel the cycle of conflict. Accepting may seem difficult, but it's nothing more than telling the truth. That person is the way he or she is whether you like it or not. As your surrender to the truth, you restore your effectiveness.
2. Be willing to feel your hurt. - Ultimately, all your upsets and all your destructive behavior are fueled by hurt. The more you are willing to feel this hurt, like a child, the more the hurt runs its course and disappears. Take every opportunity feel your hurt. Feel it willingly. Cry as hard as you can. Let the hurt come and let it go.
3. See your role in the problem. - You can't have a cycle of conflict with only one person. It takes two. Notice how critical you have been and how much you have hurt the other person. Notice how the other person has put up his or her walls of protection and given it back to you. See how your actions have fueled the conflict.
4. Don't hang on. Let the person go. - Everything you do to make someone stay destroys love and pushes the person further and further away. We hang on to avoid feeling the hurt. Once you are willing to feel your hurt, the need to hang on disappears. You can then act in a way that creates love.
5. Let go of resentment. Forgive. - Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other person. It's for you. To forgive, be willing to feel your hurt. Then notice that the other person is doing the best he or she can with his or her very limited ability. Forgive the person for not being wiser and more aware.
6. Be willing for anything to happen. - When you fight what happens, you become full of fear and upset. You lose your ability to see clearly and you act in a way that makes your situation worse. When you flow with what happens, you have peace of mind. You see clearly and can discover what needs to be done.
7. Don't Argue. Listen. - Whenever two people are arguing, there are two people who are trying to force their opinion on the other. Neither one is listening. Once someone stops to listen, the argument ends. Let the other person express his or her opinion fully. Then express yours. Once everything is said, you can find solutions.
8. Find solutions that work for both of you. - Refuse to draw sides against the other person. When you fight to have your side prevail, you force the other person to fight against you. When you are committed to finding solutions that work for both of you, the resistance against you dissolves. It's hard to fight someone who's on your side.
9. Take every opportunity to heal your relationship. - Every time you interact with the other person, you will either put water on the fire or more fuel. Make sure you always add water. Do everything you can to empower the person. Make sure the other person feels accepted and appreciated. Be a friend and be interested in that person's well being.