When you were a young child, you were pure love. You were happy, alive and free. Unfortunately, you were born into a world that suppresses this state. As a result, you got hurt, and you got hurt a lot.
As a little child, the only way you could explain these painful losses of love was to blame yourself. In a moment of hurt, you bought the notion that you were worthless, not good enough, a failure, not worth loving, or in some other way, "not okay".
This wasn't the truth, but to a little child, this was the only explanation that made any sense at the time. You then hated the very notion that you created. "No one can ever love me if I'm worthless. Worthless is a horrible way to be."
The moment you bought the notion that you were "not okay", you created a mechanism that would then sabotage the rest of your life. From that moment on, the underlying focus of your life would be to avoid this hurt. You may never notice this hurt but it is certainly there. It determines your actions and shapes your life.
A good way to see this hurt is to notice what happens the moment you get upset. Notice the immediate surge of feelings and emotion that come forth. This is the hurt that runs your life.
Any circumstance that reactivates this hurt then becomes a threat that must be avoided at all cost. To protect yourself from this threat, you automatically fight, resist and hang on.
This fighting and resisting then creates a state of fear and upset that sabotages your life. You destroy love and create opposition and resistance against yourself. Ultimately, the avoidance of this hurt is responsible for all your self-sabotaging behavior and all your suffering.
The irony is that the more you fight these feelings of being not okay, the stronger they become and the more they run your life. Everything you do to avoid this hurt actually creates more of the very hurt that you are avoiding. To see how this works, be sure and read the examples at the end of this section.
The avoidance of these feelings is what gives them power. Here is a short exercise that can demonstrate this:
Imagine four large yellow balloons on the ceiling above you, but don't think about them. Whatever you do, don't think about those four large yellow balloons on the ceiling above you. You just thought about them. Don't do that.
Notice what happens when you try not to think about the yellow balloons. You keep thinking about them. In fact, you can hardly think about anything else. Your resisting keeps the thought alive.
The same is true with the feelings of being worthless, not good enough, or whatever your issue is. Ultimately, these feelings are only a thought, but by your resisting the thought of being this way, you give the thought power and carry it with you day after day.
It's not the truth that you are worthless or whatever, it's just a hurt. But it's a hurt that most people will do almost anything to avoid facing. It's the avoidance of this hurt that gives it power.
To heal this hurt and to be free inside, you need to do the opposite of fighting it. Find the specific hurt that you've been avoiding and make peace with it. Get to the place where you can say, "Yes, I'm worthless. So What? I'm also worthy." As you do this, the hurt loses power and disappears.
To start the healing process, find as specifically as possible, what the hurt is. The best way to do this is to look at your upsets.
Make a list of all the major upsets that you've had in your life. Then find the hurt that's under each one. Go back in time to the moment each upset began and ask yourself this question: "What do those circumstances say about me?"
If someone leaves you, this may say that you are not worth loving. If you lose your job, this may say that you are a failure. Find the words of "not okay" that hurt the most. The more painful the words or the more you want to deny them, the closer you are to your hurt. For most people, the bottom line hurt is worthless.
While you are looking for your hurt, don't look to see if you are this way, because you're not. Look to see if it would be painful if you were. The more painful this would be, the closer you are to your hurt.
As you work with your upsets you will discover that the same hurt keeps showing up in your life, over and over. This is the hurt that runs your life.
Look over the following list of common issues.
If possible, have someone read them to you. Hearing an issue is much more reactivating than reading one. Listen to each word as though someone was accusing you of being this way. Notice which words reactivate the most hurt.
Also, pay particular attention to any characteristics that you deny having. You wouldn't need to deny a particular characteristic unless you had an issue with it.
Remember, you are not looking for the truth that you are a particular way. You are looking for the hurt. For most people, the bottom line hurt is worthless.
Look over the following list of common issues and find the words that hurt the most.
How do you feel at the notion that these characteristics accurately describe you?
unlovable
undesireable
not worth loving
not worth respecting
worthless
have no value
have deficit value
no good
not good enough
not good enough to be loved
don't measure up
inadequate
inferior
insufficient
less than
useless
a nothing
insignificant
unimportant
don't count
don't matter
disposable
a throw-away
a nobody
a loser
a failure
an underachiever
can't cut it
don't have what it takes
incompetent
screwed up
something is wrong with you
can't do anything right
stupid
unstable
defective
not acceptable
weak
helpless
a wimp
a coward
irresponsible
unreliable
lazy
self-centered
inconsiderate
selfish
dishonest
bad
wrong
evil
repulsive
heartless
a horrible person
ugly
fat
a slut
just like your parents
Notice that some of these words are painful and some aren't. Find the words that hurt the most.
