...from all of you, and from myself.
Here's what I got:
From Noodle -
"Frozen..I think once you accept that you are only there by choice..that you have every right in the world to walk away..no obligation to do otherwise whatsoever..then perhaps you will not be in such turmoil. What I feel when I read your posts is a woman who wants out . Is that true? Is that what you want?
Unless you WANT to recover..it isn't going to happen.
Don't think of Patriot..don't think of the person you thought he was..because you KNOW that was a lie...what do YOU Frozen want? What will YOU Frozen sacrifice for? No matter what choice you make..there will be loss. There is no way out without pain. What do you want?"
Okay, Noodle. This is what I want. I WANT to recover. I WANT it to be with my HUSBAND who I am CHOOSING to stay married to.
You were right. I've thought about it, and I am willing to give him a chance, singular. I've defined this boundary with him. I will not tolerate an A in this marriage. I, like you, have no interest in a plan A. I won't do it.
I have thought today about what I want. I really, for the first time, let go of my feelings of obligation and thought about what I really want.
I read what you wrote in your last post when I asked you if YOU would give him this chance. I respect your opinion or I wouldn't have asked. I see some things in him that bring me to this decision. He is WORTH the risk. There are qualities that he possesses that make him quite valuable to me. We, together, have something rare. Sure, I could find someone else I might be happy with. He is special. He is obviously not without his flaws, but he is special. Together, we have a chance at something pretty great. I see the potential. If it doesn't work out, it will be painful. Who knows? Later, you may wish you'd bet that money. A chance at the reward is worth the risk of pain. It really is.
More learning...I know the WHY. It's a pretty complicated why (I'm sure they all are). Here it is...
"It is an internal problem..it needs an internal solution..you are not him..and will not know when/if change has occurred..or if this is more illusion."
-Noodle
It was not my fault. I met his needs as I knew them to be; as he told me they were. This A was the result of a character issue within him. This A would have happened whether he was single, had a girlfriend, a fiance, whatever. It had a lot to do with his self-image, among other things. It was an internal issue. I DID NOT FAIL HIM. He failed me, and he failed himself. I may not have been perfect and I'm certainly guilty of being naive, but it was not my fault, nor did I 'create an environment that made it possible'. He did that.
From Gimble -
'"Simply put, our choices must define boundaries for our emotions".
What I think you need to do at this point in your life, is to move your boundaries, and limit, at least for a time, your reaction to your emotions.
Technically, your normal boundaries may be fine for your emotions when they are at 'normal' levels. Right now, they are extreme. They are ruling you instead of you ruling them. You need to reign them in.'
This was hard for me to see and I'm grateful to have it oulined so clearly. It will not be easy, but Gimble gave me a script (which I will print and carry with me) -
Practically, for starters, whenever you 'feel' that what you are about to say or do is in direct and immediate expression of how you feel RIGHT NOW, pause, wait a few seconds. Play through your head what you would have said. Ask yourself; "Do I really need to say this? Is this going to help or hurt my situation? Is this going to escalate or calm matters?"
From Pep -
'"this too shall pass" ... because it all passes, the GOOD and the BAD .... one day we all shall be dust .... so breathe in and out and take pleasure in your life at every opportunity.'
and...
"smart
warm
dedicated
caring
flawed
honest
loving
pissy
survivor
........ what's NOT to like?"
I think I'm ready to start working.
*God, please don't let this be just a temporary "up" on the rollercoaster. I seem to have noticed this - the higher the "up", the lower the "down" that follows. I'm not asking for completely smooth sailing (unless You want to give me that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), just please let this be a beginning.
Amen*
