Friday night, H and I were having a conversation about 'life'. Nothing in general, just finances, our 10th anniversary this summer, vacation, etc. Out of the clear blue, he says, 'I know I havent always been the best H, but I'm the best I can be NOW.' then he said, 'I know I've done some things that hurt you, but I can promise you, I'll never hurt you again.'

Now for some reason, when he has ever mentioned that he knew the A 'hurt' me, I would always get defensive because, yes, he knows it hurt me, but, NO NO NO, he will NEVER understand just how much he hurt me.

Since its been almost 3 years since dday, I knew I could talk about this without 'freaking out'. I asked him if he knew what has happened in my life that hurt me the most. After thinking about it for a minute, he said, 'I think it was when your nana died'. (Yes I wanted to grab the closest heaviest object in the house and whack him upside the head with it lol)

(my nana had a stroke when I was 2. My mom, who was recently divorced had her come live w/us. She was fine a few yrs after the stroke. My mom worked 2 jobs went to school, and supported us to her full capability. I was ALWAYS with my nana. Because of her, I am who I am today. Her death was a total surprise, and it took a part of me w/her.)
Anyway, I said,
"yes, youre right, that was one of the hardest times I ever had to go thru in my life. But you having an affair was even worst. She was 80, had some health problems, always put me first, and always made me feel as if I were worth a million dollars. She left me because she died. She didnt have a choice. She didnt die to hurt me. She didnt do it on purpose. You had an A knowing full well that I would probably someday find out, or it would have progressed and you would have left me. You made me feel totally opposite of how she made me feel my whole life. Your A hurt me more than her death, more than anything that has ever happened in my life, And you HAD a choice.

My H walked out of the room w/tears in his eyes. I think for the first time in 3 years he finally realized just how bad the A hurt me. When we went up to bed later that night, he wrapped himself around me and cried and apologized over and over. said he never realized what he did to me. We cried together for the first time.

Since dday, I have moved on from the A, he has moved on from the A, but now with him understanding this,

"""WE""" can move on 2gether. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks everyone for letting me ramble.

Everyone here is in my prayers always.....

S&I

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Best post I read in a long time.

2 both of U: Keep up the good work. Your posts even helps us feel that he finally understands. That's a biggie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Please let your H know, he made my day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

All the best,
L.

S&I, glad I read this before I left for work today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you Orchid and Tom,
Yes, once again, he's my hero <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
S&I

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 05:44 AM: Message edited by: Scared&Insecure ]</small>

WOW! Great message from you and great response from him! So that's what it looks like, smells like and feels like when they're out of the fog! Congrat's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FR

My FWH and I wenr to our first MC last night and this is exactly what I left feeling that he just didn't understand how deeply he hurt me. It's nice to see someone that finally gets it.

It's a long, bumpy rollarcoaster ride, but it was worth the wait. I waited almost 3 yrs to see the understanding in his eyes. I always knew that he knew that I was hurt, but somehow it hurt more knowing he didnt understand. The A happened at the beginning of 2002, and it took until the beginning of 2003 to know we were going to stay together and work it out, now I know in my heart that it HAS been worked out. I'm not saying that the 'work' is finished, there will be work to do on our M for the rest of our lives, but, the work will be done TOGETHER. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks to all the people here on the MB boards. Everyone has been great. To all of you who are 'newbies', the road may be long but it is paved w/great advice from the people here.

As my Nana used to say, Head up, walk straight, and smile, everyone will wonder what youre up too. lol

Great story... Good luck to you!

That's a wonderful story! It made me cry. I longed for my WH to understand how much he hurt me and I wanted him to want our marriage. Instead...he left and filed for divorce. I will always wonder if he knows how deeply he hurt me. I guess I will never know. I just have to pick up the pieces and move on!
I'm so happy for you!

S&I--Thanks s-o-o-o much for your post. It gives me hope for my own marriage. It's good to know that I'm not the 1st person to feel that way and I won't be the last! I alreasy know that my FWH regrets what happened, I just gotta learn to trust again.

Me 46
FWH 48
M 25y
2DD 21, 23
D-day 10/03(EA)
recovery in the works

Thanks, everyone.

Dougswife,
Trust is one of the hardest things to recover. I still, 3 years later, have a bit of a problem in the 'trust department' on some days. It gets easier w/time. I guess for a long time I expected the 'blind trust' to return. The 'my H would never do that' trust. Thats gone, thats part of my old M. Learning to start with a new slate isnt easy. It gets easier w/time, and help from my Hubby.

S&I