We went to our first MC session last night and I left feeling worse then before. Maybe the problem was I hoped I would instantly feel better. The Doctor was 1/2 late so we were pressed for time since we had to get the baby at a set time so I could feed her.

We started out by talking about why we were there. H said he started seeing someone and moved out. He says it so matter of factly. At one point we talked about OW and the dr. asked if she had gone back to her H and my H said no they got D but it had nothing to do with the A. I said I completely disagreed with that statement and H told me I didn't know anything about it. When I made some comment about how she had multiple A's he tried to disagree with me by saying she only had one other one and I pointed out that was multiple. I said that I thought this person was 100% evil. He didn't say anything to that. The fact that he started to defend her hurt so much. I said it killed me that he sent her pictures of our baby and he made some comment how he did it as part of a big group e-mail. I tried to say something about how I didn't want her to have anything to do with my baby, even looking at her. I know I didn't articulate myself well and H didn't see what the big deal was.

When we started talking about why he moved home he said he didn't like the way he was living and wanted to be a family. Never once did he say he was sorry for hurting me. He just seems so matter of fact about everything. He did what he did and now he's back so we should move on. I don't think he has any clue of how deeply he hurt me. While he spent the summer having fun, I felt like I was dying and most nights wished I was. If it wasn't for the baby I don't think I would have survived. I can't just forget this and move on. I want to stop hurting but I don't know how. I am scared that he just doesn't understand the full implications of his actions.

After we went home we were both pretty quiet and I guess just thinking about things, plus the baby was fussy and up throughout the night. So there was no reassuring or anything else.

The doctor did say we were doing all the right things for recovery by spending time together and communicating more. I agree with that, we have the right plan going forward but I just can't forget about the past.

The doctor didn't say much just let us talk. I was hoping she would have more to say as I just can't seem to say what I feel at these sessions. We go back next Wednesday so we'll see how that goes. I need to write down what I want to talk about because once we get in there I get so emotional I forget it all.

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: kloe72 ]</small>

Hi,

I am new in here...so I can't offer the best advice here, but I just wanted to tell you that you have found a great place to talk about your feelings. There are many caring and wise folk on here and I am sure you will get lots of great advice to help you through this.

I know you must feel so down. I too just had a baby, in June of 2004. My husband betrayed me by using the internet and communicating with someone on a porn site. It devastated me. I can't imagine what you must be going through.

I read so many stories on here and I feel so bad that there is so much pain. These people who betray the ones that love them the most are very selfish and selfcentred. It is always about them. Trust is so important in a relationship, and once tarnished, can never, ever be the same. This is what makes recovering from infedelity so difficult, you are always looking over your shoulder. Even in the little things he says, you will find it extremely difficult to believe him. This is even true when he says he loves you...and that is very sad.

I pray that one day, your husband will beg your forgiveness, and you will know he means it because of the sorrow in his eyes and voice. For now, he seems angry and indifferent. Whatever you feel, don't feel guilty or afraid of him. You did NOT do anything to cause him having an affair. And, don't be afraid to say what you need to say in marriage counselling, be honest about the pain he has caused you.

For now, get as much support on here as you can. I also found another site that someone here referred me to : Save Your Marriage Central. There is a lot of good advice on there as well.

Things can get better.
Sincerely,
seeking truth

Kloe, my MC sessions were just like that. Near the end, they were more pleasant, which is why we knew we were done with the MC, ready to try it on our own.

You ARE going to hear things that hurt you, and vise-versa. Men's reactions are different than ours when they are hurt. Have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" If you haven't, I would recommend starting there. It is important to understand communication/processing differences between men and women.

He probably HAS NOT allowed himself to understand the FULL implications of his actions. It is very overwhelming to do for the WS. Along with acknowledging how much he hurt YOU, he must acknowledge how much he hurt HIMSELF in doing that. He has a long road of self forgiveness ahead of him, I think. He is probably JUST NOW ready to begin facing all this. He doesn't want to, but he must. As must you.

Your MC seems very good to me (except the late part). Many times they simply facilitate discussion. And give her some time to get to know you! She WILL help you voice your feelings better, once she gets a firm grasp on what your feelings are.

At first, you two might just want to talk about that stuff in her office. Table the issues, especially the ones you don't see eye-to-eye on (like the OW for example). IMO, you two don't have the skills to tackle those issues alone ~ yet.

It is a journey, Kloe, a marathon even. You are heading in the right direction, with your H next to you. In many ways, you two walked different paths for a long time. It will take some doing to get back together fully. A lot of work. But that is OK. The hardest things in life are the ones we treasure the most.

Realize that my H and I went to MC for 8 months. At the beginning, my H was just like yours is. And I was just like you are. The MC will speed up the process, but it is all a process. Many feelings have been hurt, many promises have been broken. It all must mend.

Hang in there. IMO, your first appointment went just as it should have. You two have a huge garbage heap of hurt between you, and it takes time to clear it all out.

Spidey

It was his apparent lack of guilt and remorse that really bothers me. He may be feeling these things but he didn't show any of it last night and I don't understand how he could be this way. If he really loves me like he says he does, how can he stand the thought of hurting me like he did. I know I am hesitent to tell him how bad it really was for me because I thought that would hurt him and as much pain as I am in I could never wish this upon him.

I'm just having a really tough few days and I think the baby can tell because she has been so fussy all of a sudden. At night she won't sleep unless I am holding her. As soon as I set her in the bassinet she starts to scream.

SS - How long until your H told you that he was sorry? Does he understand the pain that you went through and I would imagine still go through? It's like my H doesn't realize that I'm not alright, that I sit home alone and just cry. He thinks because he is home everything should just be better.

Kloe,

I have followed your situation from the beginning, and I wanted to post to you.

In a similar way, I too had to deal with the effects of my husbands affair after the fact. He didn't tell me until almost 6 months after it was over. I realize you knew about it while it was going on and that must have been really rough.

However, because your circumstances (pregnancy) and mine (ingnorance), prevented us from dealing with our pain and betrayal when our FWS's were going through A and getting over A - it makes our recovery a little more difficult.

My husband also left without any real reason, and we were seperated for 4 months.

I believe they got the chance to deal with their feelings and emotions during that time. So when my husband finally came clean and came home...he had a really difficult time helping me heal.

Many times I would hear defensiveness in his voice about the OW, or he would say "it's been over for awhile". As time went on he would just get more frustrated every time I brought it up because he felt I would never get "over" it. Which only made me feel bad, like I was the one who couldn't let it go.

Anyway, It took us almost 6 months of "hard" and "painful" conversations in recovery to really begin a true recovery.

See Kloe, they don't understand that until we can deal with it and move past it----it's like it happened yesterday.

Be ready to deal with some resistance from him, and you may even deal with new questions about the A. In fact, it may seem at times like your obsessed all over again.

Let it happen, go with it. We all have our own method for healing.

My H and I finally got to a breaking point in November. Which was 6 months after he told me and moved back home. He finally realized I needed to talk about it to move on. His attitude began to change, because he realized how deep this pain ran. He wanted me to be happy with him/with us, he wanted me to be at peace.

The point is, they feel like the bad guy when we keep bringing it up....what they don't realize initially is that we want them to be our guy again. You know--- the one we laugh with, trust, and truly feel safe with. We don't want to feel pain anymore. We want to be over it too. But we also want to create an honest marriage, one that we feel stronger about.

The other day, my husband and I were having a chat about nothing important, when out of the blue he says to me " I want you to know that I would never touch OW, even if she was the last women on earth."

Coming from him...that is huge. The fact that he can discuss it now and really see it for what is was is a milestone in our recovery. In fact, I can't remember the last time we've had a conversation about the A. And I don't miss those either.

Hang in there Kloe, this is a process. Healing takes time. You probably will not get the reactions you want from him at first. But be patient...and talk ....don't suck it up. The more you talk, cry, share, whatever...the sooner you'll find that peaceful place.

Good luck,

Rachel

Oh by the way... we have been in MC for over a year. We see the same psychologist seperately. We started out together, but it didn't work very well. My husband needed his own time, and so did I, and we wanted someone who knew our situation from both sides.

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: Whistles75 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long until your H told you that he was sorry? Does he understand the pain that you went through and I would imagine still go through? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kloe, the "sorry" really came in bits and pieces. It took a LONG time for him to be able to see my pain, and not make it about HIM. This whole thing is pretty complex, in many ways, and you are just at the very tip of the iceburg. Please trust me when I tell you that it will all come, and much sooner with a facilitator to help you two through the many sensative minefields that you will discover.

Your FWH's mentality is NOT unique, is really all I can comfort you with. He is pretty much where I would expect him to be, after just kind-of sitting on all this for a while. He might have even partially convinced himself that you ARE fine because he came home.

He will figure it all out, just like you will. Remember, every time he sees your pain, he KNOWS he caused it. He probably has some major defensive walls up about that right now. In the beginning, and still sometimes when he is having a bad day, my H will take my pain and turn it around into a defense against his actions, or he'll try to "soothe" me by reminding me that he is home now and not hurting me anymore. And after 8 months of MC, I can look at him and say, "Your evidence doesn't make my feelings go away. This is how I am feeling."

And he realizes what I am saying, and gives me a hug. You two can learn these same skills. Give it lots more time, OK? You will have sessions in MC where you are like, "Did we solve ANYthing?" And you will have sessions like, "Wow! That was great! Maybe we don't need MC anymore!" Then the next week or two down the road you'll have a, "We are going to be in MC for forever! We suck!"

The rollercoaster doesn't really go away, it is just different. You're just kinda on it together, now. Remember, ultimately, you two are on the same team. He came home to you. Your H will need to realize stuff about the OW on his own, Kloe. The fastest way to facilitate that is to NOT bring her up. If his defenses are brought up about it, he cannot see how she truly is. Also, when you talk about how bad she is, he hears you saying how bad HE is. Because they both did the same thing.

Do you have any of the A books recommended on this site? I think "NOT Just Friends," and "Torn Assunder," and "After the Affair," all have parts in them about the beginning stages of recovery. Because that is kinda where you are, even though you have been physically back together.

Hang in there, girlie. You are doing great. Ask me as many questions as you want, and as often as you want, until I say something you understand. I am very long-winded, you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Spidey

Spidey....you are dead nuts on.

I completely relate and agree.

Rachel

Listen to Spidey!

(BTW I catch spiders and transfer them to safety)

Do NOT bring up the OW or put the OW down.
It will just make him defend her even more and you do NOT need to hear any more of that!
It will just cause you more pain.

It sounds like your WH still has a long way to go so be patient and come here for support and venting. Eventually he will start to complain to you about the OW's faults. (Truly cherished moments I admit) The suggestion about seperate MC (some of the time) might help. That way you could tell the MC your feelings about the OW without having to hear your WH defend the OW.

Thank you everyone. It is all very good advice. In every other way my H has been wonderful. He calls me throughout the day, comes right home after work and doesn't spend time on the phone or computer. We are always doing things together. Yesterday he surprised (or almost gave me a heart attack) and come home from work early. Most importantly we have joined a church and go as a family every Sunday. Right now we are planning the baby's baptism.

It's just so hard once again becausing the A is all I can think about again. I just can't seem to get it out of my mind. I hope with time it will fade again.

SS - I'm going to head to the library today to check out some of those books. Although, I have no idea when I'll have time to read an entire book, I can barely get through a magazine!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's just so hard once again becausing the A is all I can think about again. I just can't seem to get it out of my mind. I hope with time it will fade again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kloe, the A memories/feelings WILL fade with time. However, I believe you are going to have to get them all out in MC, look at them, examine them, and THEN file them away for the long-term.

Just as oftentimes a wound needs to be invaded and scrubbed out to ensure proper healing, your memories and feelings will have to be explored fully before they can be put in their proper place ~ the past.

Prepare yourself for the fact that it will FEEL worse before it FEELS better. BUT, it is part of HEALING. It is good, not bad. OK? Your wounds need to be cleaned out properly (as well as your H's) before they will heal. Does that make sense?

I'm not being doom and gloom here. But perhaps if you know what to expect more, you won't feel the disappointment again. This recovery is HARD work. That's why I encourage people to not put all their energy and love into just trying to end the A. Because that is just the very beginning. And you will need all the reserves you have of energy and love to get you though this process.

Love you sweetie. I can't believe I will meet you in less than 3 months! Where does the time go???

Spidey

That does make sense. What worries me is what if H doesn't get the feelings out? He is just so unemotional about the whole thing. I am afraid he will keep it all bottled up. In 9 years together I can only think of two times he has cried. Once when his father died and then when he called his sister to tell her about the A. He didn't even cry when he told me, he was very cold and mean. But since he was still in the A, that is how they all are.

Oh honey, the more tightly bottled up he has those feelings, 1)the longer it might take for them to break free, 2)the more fantastic the explosion will be when they do break loose.

Just imagine the WALL he has built up to contain those deep feelings of regret, shame ~ he who promised to love, cherrish, protect, is the very one who hurt you most! He failed to protect you from himself. This is very difficult for the WS to deal with. I think men can sometimes compartmentalize their emotions, and I think your H is using this capability fully right now.

But, he must understand on some level, even unconcsciously (which is why he agreed to go to MC ~ but did NOT suggest it on his own), that all of these things need to come out to be processed. He probably has himself convinced MOST of the time that you are over it, but he KNOWS your hurt and pain. He just does. And he can't ignore it forever.

I really applaud your for finally laying it all on the line, Kloe, and standing up for what you NEED. The next time you are feeling not too strong, I want you to call on that experience of standing up for yourself, and know your personal power.

Try not to pressure him for his feelings. They will come, IMO. And it is not pretty, if his is like my H's. BUT, we promised to love for better or worse, and this is the worse. Nobody likes to show thier ugly side, and your H is no exception.

Spidey