Hello everyone..I have been reading these boards for quite some time now. I posted my own sitch in the Divorce/divorcing section and was given some good advice to read through the website under the Q&A section. I finally found information on Plan A and Plan B. They seem focused for the spouse who has been betrayed. In my case, I am the one who has the PA. However in turn he did meet a woman on the internet and started his own EA although he will never admit to that. He blames me for the whole thing. He says what I did was unforgivable and I really messed with his head and his heart. He will never trust me again. I know that I hurt him with my selfishness and own needs and neglected to communicate these feelings to him that it had to come to making the biggest mistake in my life. But he has also hurt me..he continued talking to this woman behind my back..he became addicted to the way she made him feel about himself.
Now he has moved out. He has called every few days to talk to the kids. I have tried pleading with him when he calls to not give up on this marriage. He refuses and tells me if I loved him, I wouldn't have "Did what I did". But I'm confused by his actions sometimes..he still talks to me..he complimented running his fingers through my hair and saying it looks nice..notices I lost weight. Willing to talk to me when he calls for the kids tells me about his day..etc. He also seems to always want to know what I'm doing. One night I was on the phone with my sister and he called..I just let it go to voicemail...he called again 20 minutes later..again I let it go to voicemail. The next morning He called again and left another message telling me "Well I did try to call you last night..I'm assuming you are talking to your people again and that you are getting on with your situation...well I just wanted to tell you according to these divorce papers I will help out with bills we've had before the separation..I'll try to call later" (He know when he mentions divorce papers, I get upset and start to cry, although I still haven't seen any yet)
Last night we got into the worst argument. I relaize now I was pushing him to listen to me and stop yelling at me. I wasn't going to let him talk to his kids until he heard me first which of course agitated him even more. After a few hang ups and his threats to me that he will come and take the kids from me and I'll never see them again if I don't do what he says..I let him talk to the kids. I get back on the phone (I'm surprised he got back on) and told him that I was sorry for hanging up on him, that I should have just left it talking on Friday and leaving it at that..I let my emotions get the better on me. he thanks me for apologizing and I wait for him hoping he will also appologize for his threats and yelling at me..he doesn't.
I know I still have a lot of healing to do on my own..I haven't really given him time to get his thoughts together about any sort of reconciliation. I'm too anxious and feel that with my need to be reassured, I am pushing him further and further away to this OW who understands him and talks sweetly to him. I know he still cares, but he is angry. What can I do in the meantime? Is there a Plan B for me? I am the betrayer and the betrayed. I feel so pathetic.
Oh this is so confusing...

Stacy:

Having read your first post and parts of this one. I would like to make a suggestion to you.

Putting aside the EA that your H is having right now. Since you were the WS are you willing to be the giver for a while, giving 200%in your M? Going above and beyond the call of duty as a W? When your H found out about the A, he like most of us BS's, didn't have anything to give you. Your A drained him of all his love units for you and the M. The 200% is 100% from you and 100% form him, and right now he probably just doesn't have it give so you will need to carry is weight for awhile. How long is up to you I don't think that you can measure it. Kill him with kindness and love.

Now as for his EA. That's a hard one. But its seems obvious that if it hadn't been for your A then he would not be participating in an A of any kind. So if I were you and wanted to save my M then I wouldn't put much emphasis on what he is doing because of the hurt and pain you have caused him. I would focus on my actions what can I do.

I would put my plan on the table and tell in exactly what you are willing to do to save your M.

Yes, I'm speaking from my own experiences. B/C this is exactly where I am at in my M. My husband cheated...in the begin my reaction was to get even, then I lost any sense of loyalty to him or the M b/c of his lack of loyalty to me that allowed him to have an A. Then because things were so messed up btw us I started seeking my EN from others (men in particular) not necessarily intending on having an A. Now he is hurt because yes he found my emails too (I went through this stage for about 2 or 3 weeks -- while keep in mind his A lasted for 9 months PA and EA). But I told him that if he wanted to make this marriage work then he must be willing to do the things I just told you.

Now let me clarify, just in case someone wants to go there. This plan must be implemented with common sense. Disrepect or verbal abusiveness shouldn't tolerated. But you should let your spouse vent as often as he needs to. Eventually the tears will dry up and the anger and bitterness will die ...if you kill him with kindness and love. Of course your H has to have a sincere willingness to try to save your M.


I'm sure there are many other suggestions, hopefully this one will help.

From what I've learned here begging doesn't work for the BS. And since you were the WS first, and his EA is a revenge affair, begging is even less likely to work IMO.

Back way off, be patient, loving, LEARN all you can from this site.

When he's ready to forgive you and trust you again he'll let you know. Of course you won't wait forever but you are in no position right now to push either. Anyway you can keep yourself busy learning what you'll need to know to hopefully save your marriage.

Vent and whine here - not at your husband.
Also, come here for support and understanding because you'll just get more scared and hurt if you expect it from him right now. He just can't give you what you need right now. How you respond to that fact will play a big role in when/if he ever will be able to again. Channel your desire for him into learning what is most likely to save your marriage. It's going to take a lot of self-control and courage but you can do it.

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Thank you both for your advise.

I have read through some of the material on this website and have decided to try my Plan B (At this point, I don't think plan A will work) I am currently drafting a letter to let him know although I love him that I must break all contact with him in order to focus on myself and continue working on changing myself to become a better person. I think this is also a good way for him to have his space to heal properly without my pleading everytime we talk.

I will keep you all posted.

Thank you both for your advise.

I have read through some of the material on this website and have decided to try my Plan B (At this point, I don't think plan A will work) I am currently drafting a letter to let him know although I love him that I must break all contact with him in order to focus on myself and continue working on changing myself to become a better person. I think this is also a good way for him to have his space to heal properly without my pleading everytime we talk.

I will keep you all posted.

Thank you both for your advise.

I have read through some of the material on this website and have decided to try my Plan B (At this point, I don't think plan A will work) I am currently drafting a letter to let him know although I love him that I must break all contact with him in order to focus on myself and continue working on changing myself to become a better person. I think this is also a good way for him to have his space to heal properly without my pleading everytime we talk.

I will keep you all posted.

Sorry about the duplicate posts..I am still learning how to work this crazy computer.