Hello everyone..I have been reading these boards for quite some time now. I posted my own sitch in the Divorce/divorcing section and was given some good advice to read through the website under the Q&A section. I finally found information on Plan A and Plan B. They seem focused for the spouse who has been betrayed. In my case, I am the one who has the PA. However in turn he did meet a woman on the internet and started his own EA although he will never admit to that. He blames me for the whole thing. He says what I did was unforgivable and I really messed with his head and his heart. He will never trust me again. I know that I hurt him with my selfishness and own needs and neglected to communicate these feelings to him that it had to come to making the biggest mistake in my life. But he has also hurt me..he continued talking to this woman behind my back..he became addicted to the way she made him feel about himself.
Now he has moved out. He has called every few days to talk to the kids. I have tried pleading with him when he calls to not give up on this marriage. He refuses and tells me if I loved him, I wouldn't have "Did what I did". But I'm confused by his actions sometimes..he still talks to me..he complimented running his fingers through my hair and saying it looks nice..notices I lost weight. Willing to talk to me when he calls for the kids tells me about his day..etc. He also seems to always want to know what I'm doing. One night I was on the phone with my sister and he called..I just let it go to voicemail...he called again 20 minutes later..again I let it go to voicemail. The next morning He called again and left another message telling me "Well I did try to call you last night..I'm assuming you are talking to your people again and that you are getting on with your situation...well I just wanted to tell you according to these divorce papers I will help out with bills we've had before the separation..I'll try to call later" (He know when he mentions divorce papers, I get upset and start to cry, although I still haven't seen any yet)
Last night we got into the worst argument. I relaize now I was pushing him to listen to me and stop yelling at me. I wasn't going to let him talk to his kids until he heard me first which of course agitated him even more. After a few hang ups and his threats to me that he will come and take the kids from me and I'll never see them again if I don't do what he says..I let him talk to the kids. I get back on the phone (I'm surprised he got back on) and told him that I was sorry for hanging up on him, that I should have just left it talking on Friday and leaving it at that..I let my emotions get the better on me. he thanks me for apologizing and I wait for him hoping he will also appologize for his threats and yelling at me..he doesn't.
I know I still have a lot of healing to do on my own..I haven't really given him time to get his thoughts together about any sort of reconciliation. I'm too anxious and feel that with my need to be reassured, I am pushing him further and further away to this OW who understands him and talks sweetly to him. I know he still cares, but he is angry. What can I do in the meantime? Is there a Plan B for me? I am the betrayer and the betrayed. I feel so pathetic.
Oh this is so confusing...

Hello and welcome.

I would start by buying two copies of His Needs Her Needs and Surviving and Affair. Read yours and then make copies of the Radical Honety and EN questionaires. Fill yours out and give the blanks to your husband.

Maybe you could ask him on a date and offer them to him then. Or, have them delivered with a loving note that says you want to do what it takes to have a better and healthy relationship with him and help him heal for the pain you have caused him.

Hang in there!