I could really use the Vets here to help me with this process - I have to do this - I can't wait any longer - I hardly feel anythig for her at all anymore - I fear I may have tried Plan A too long, and have been hit too many times.

I sort of stole some ideas from Caren's wonderful PBL: Here's mine - PLEASE TEAR IT TO SHREDS - HELP ME DO THIS RIGHT. I can barely think right now.

To my dear XXX

First, I want to say this: I loved you with all my heart, and my commitment to you and our marriage was unending. I have always been so proud of you – proud of you as my wife, proud of the woman you are. You have always been a wonderful mother and my respect for you runs deeper than you will ever know.

I am so sorry that we find ourselves in this place that is so lonely and confusing for both of us. Until September, I did not fully understand how truly miserable you were. I didn’t realize how my inability to show my respect for you had affected you. I hadn’t realized how much you needed the house to be clean, for me to be a stronger parent – instead of relying on you to carry that load. I truly did not understand the selfish way that I approached our life together, and I didn’t understand how that affected you. I didn’t know how to properly show the love that I felt for you. I repeated all of the mistakes I learned in my childhood. I foolishly undermined your efforts; I didn’t back you up when I should have. I didn’t protect you – from myself. I didn’t understand what your needs truly were, and how I could meet those needs in order for our marriage to grow.

I have done a lot of soul-searching over the past several months and look forward to a lot more over the next several. I believe I have found the tools that we need to make our marriage one that is joyful, loving, and supportive. I have made many changes in my life over the past few months; will continue to do so for as long as it takes. Some of these changes you may have noticed, some you may have not. Some you may never notice. I have to continue with these changes, and I’ve demonstrated to myself that it’s possible and that they can be permanent. I still have a lot of work to do, but with every success I have, the hope for my future brightens and I have confidence in my ability to make positive changes. My hope is to be able to share this with you in the future.

As my hope for the future increases, so does my sorrow over my loss of you. But what is worse is that I find my love for you is dying – I’ve lost so much love and respect for you for your affair that the pain has become more than I can bear. I have to do something to preserve what is left in the hopes that there may be something left should you change your mind about our marriage. I have to do something to stop this bitterness and pain from overwhelming me. I have to remove myself from contact with you – I cannot accept phone calls, text messages, instant messages, or personal visits from you. I have to avoid seeing you and speaking with you. I have to give myself a fresh start in a positive environment. This is not aimed at you, dear XXX. This is to safeguard what love I have left for you so that if there comes a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still the love and hope within me to do that.

If you need to contact me, please do so through your parents or Ron – they are the only people for which any trust within me remains.

XXX, I know we could have a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I’ve learned so much in the past few months and I’d love to share it with you - should there come a time when you feel you could commit to trying to build a new life with me. It is something I’d like to discuss with you. For me, that commitment would include absolutely no contact with OM, including a letter written to him that we both send to him explaining our desire. It also would include Marriage Counseling.

My hope is that you will think about this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.

I have always considered you to be my nest friend, wife, and lover, and I am having a hard time imagining a life without you.

I have always loved you

David

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Okay, so I am not a veteran and I am a former WS, so take that into consideration in my response.

GREAT STARTING PARAGRAPHS!! However, be more firm in your paragraph 4 not 'I have to...' It's not you that has to do things, it's her that has to stop doing things, like contacting you when she needs a fix.

It sounds like you are afraid of really rejecting her for fear she will not come back. But in Her deranged mind right now, she is not coming back--she is buying furniture and playing house in her new set-up.

She needs to see a strong healthy person that wants to move forward in his life and if she does not do something in the reasonable future someone who will move on to another relationship.

She needs to feel the loss (of someone strong and changed) to see the light. This is especially true if she has seen her role in the relationship as being the "strong" one, as you implied in your comment about your kids.

Good luck!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Freefromlies:
<strong> Okay, so I am not a veteran and I am a former WS, so take that into consideration in my response.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's ok - I'm a former WS too.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GREAT STARTING PARAGRAPHS!! However, be more firm in your paragraph 4 not 'I have to...' It's not you that has to do things, it's her that has to stop doing things, like contacting you when she needs a fix.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess that's a lot of my problem: I still take the blame for creating the emptiness in our marriage that gave her the excuse to find someone else. I DO need to make changes......She does too...just not sure how to word that, because she believes with every fiber of her being that she gave her all to this marriage and finally had to leave because I didn't come thru. Not sure how to address that....

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like you are afraid of really rejecting her for fear she will not come back. But in Her deranged mind right now, she is not coming back--she is buying furniture and playing house in her new set-up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, I am about 99% sure she will NOT come back. This PBL feels more like a formality - my attempt to do the right thing, regardless of outcome.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She needs to see a strong healthy person that wants to move forward in his life and if she does not do something in the reasonable future someone who will move on to another relationship.

She needs to feel the loss (of someone strong and changed) to see the light. This is especially true if she has seen her role in the relationship as being the "strong" one, as you implied in your comment about your kids.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right you are, and there's where I've probably grown the most. Unfortunately, the FOG does not allow her to see that.........

Thanks - will rework some of this and repost...

David

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

bump

Thanks for all the help guys. Is this a workable letter, do I need to change it, do I need to shut up and quit posting? What?

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

David -

First let me give props where they are due. Caren's PBL was mine, but I took most from Native00 and aislinn. They are the true architects of this wonderful PBL. So please thank them for their way with words.

As to yours, as long as you feel it expresses everything you need to tell your WW, I say go for it. It was a great letter for me, even though many here didn't agree with how I have handled the response to it.

I think it is just fine the way it is...

Go for it, but be sure you are really ready for Plan B first....


TM

I think you PBL is good enough.

I am not expert in this letter drafting either. I copied mine from one in this site too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Before you jump into plan B...do you think you have done enough plan A...this is very very important.

What is your day to day life with WW like? Maybe you should describe more than the expert MB can give their opinion if you are doing a great plan A or not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
<strong> David -

First let me give props where they are due. Caren's PBL was mine, but I took most from Native00 and aislinn. They are the true architects of this wonderful PBL. So please thank them for their way with words.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That I do. Thanks everyone.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to yours, as long as you feel it expresses everything you need to tell your WW, I say go for it. It was a great letter for me, even though many here didn't agree with how I have handled the response to it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a great letter, I didn't see anything wrong with the original version, just had to personalize it. I don't know if it expresses everything I want her to hear....no, let me rephrase that. I KNOW that it does not address what she wants me to say or admit to. That, I can't do anything about.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go for it, but be sure you are really ready for Plan B first....

TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point I don't feel I have a choice. There is no real communication between us, I'm working on myself regardless of whether I ever get my W back or not - I'm happier just improving, and I can no longer take what I get hit with every time I turn around. Plan B is to protect me, and I am tired of the damage. If that's 'ready' for plan B, then I am.

Only thing that is worrying me is just how creatively destructive my WW can and has been.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 01:16 AM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zizzycool:
<strong> I think you PBL is good enough.

I am not expert in this letter drafting either. I copied mine from one in this site too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Before you jump into plan B...do you think you have done enough plan A...this is very very important.

What is your day to day life with WW like? Maybe you should describe more than the expert MB can give their opinion if you are doing a great plan A or not. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ziz - I've gone thru a good plan A, but there's only so much damage that a person can take before things get too far. I've virtually lost all love for her, and I have to stop the damage soon. My plan A is documented all over the place - if I've blown it somehow, I'm sure I'll get the 2x4's I need.

David

David -

If that is where you are...doesn't matter if you get WW back or not...then I would say you are ready.

Be loving and kind, and deliver the PBL after a nice conversation/dinner/evening together, and it will have it's impact. I am sure her head will spin. Then....batten down those hatches and be prepared for anything. Come here and keep us posted....

TM

TM - I'm afraid I waited too long. I'm at the point where I am not sure I want her back regardless of the outcome. I keep thinking I'd be better off alone - or that I'd prefer it. I'm worried that I let my love bank drain so totally that nothing will bring it back. This feels more like a formality, following MB protocol, than any protection for me, or some outside chance I may get my M back. Maybe I'm just rambling here, but it feels more like a prep for a D than anything else.

Not sure....

David

David -

I know exactly how you feel...I have so beaten my heart into submission that I felt I was completely detached. But then, I started communicating with my WW again, and the emotions that I thought were gone resurfaced again.

I know you think the love is dead, but it may just be hidden underneath the rock of your willpower or hurt.

I know how you feel when you say you aren't sure you will even take her back....but that is the beauty of Plan B, it just guarantees that a dialogue will be opened after she commits to NC, the ultimate decision lies with you. See Caren's signature line - you will feel the shift happening....trust me.

TM

David,

My input w/b to let you know NOT to tell the WS she is the love of your life. Instead let the WS know you miss and love your W. You and your family want the W and mother of this family home. Don't say too much about your feelings for her. She may misinterpret that to mean the WS and not your W.

BTW, apologize 'some' for not fully appreciating the entire family (that way she can't pin the A on you) and that to make the family complete all valued members s/b home and working together as 1 family unit.

List your boundaries and the reason. Boundaries s/b a short list but require big results. The reason s/b short and simple, your family needs their mother and W back to give and receive true love. Nothing more or less. Then tell her hope one day she can see as much as you do.

JMHO,
L.

Ok O - multitude of ???

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My input w/b to let you know NOT to tell the WS she is the love of your life. Instead let the WS know you miss and love your W. You and your family want the W and mother of this family home. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Totally understand what you are saying - WS is NOT the love of my life - not sure I have one anymore - but where did I say that - it's inferred somewhere, I know - just not exactly sure.....

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't say too much about your feelings for her. She may misinterpret that to mean the WS and not your W.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, a difficult part, have lost a lot of feelings, it feels like I'm lying in the first place: where in the letter should I change that?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW, apologize 'some' for not fully appreciating the entire family (that way she can't pin the A on you) and that to make the family complete all valued members s/b home and working together as 1 family unit. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Agin, not trying to be a jerk - I'm just dense: where did I do this?

The rest, I think I can do on my own....

Thank you so much, by the way....

David

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 03:43 AM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

My .02 worth.

Be clearer about your need for NC and MC and that she can begin to contact you and recovery only AFTER these are implemented. Too oftne the WS promises to do this IF you let them back in.

Cut these statements out

First, I want to say this:

am so sorry that we find ourselves in this place that is so lonely and confusing for both of us. (change to "I", do not presume to know what she feels...)


I repeated all of the mistakes I learned in my childhood. (sounds too much like an excuse)


Some you may never notice. (Sounds a little disrespectful)


I have to give myself a fresh start in a positive environment. (sounds too much like a break up)

This is not aimed at you, dear XXX. (Sure it is, maybe say, "This is not intended to hurt you, but to protect the love I still have for you, and protect me from more hurt.")

I know we could have a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen (change to "I know I could help make a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen")

is something I’d like to discuss with you. (This sounds open-ended, keep the statement, but add "But until that time there will be NC with me until...")

My hope is that you will think about this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, (Sounds like you are begging, not necessarily, letter should be firm)

I have always considered you to be my nest friend, wife, and lover, and I am having a hard time imagining a life without you.

Take all references to "always", not necessary, and sounds like a lie (hard to be absolute...) and why use love in the past tense...bring it to the present... I love you...


I LOVED the letter, and my suggestions just pare it down and will make it easier for the fogbound WS to read...It's too easy for hte message of Plan B to get lost int he love letter...the part about NC needs to be real clear, and the path back, that has to start BEFORE contact again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete w/revisions by Orchid:
<strong>
Dear WS,

This letter is coming from my heart so please bear with me. My heart and our family has taken a bit hit with all this affair stuff. As a result this letter has become necessary.

I feel as if I have to write this letter to 2 completely different characters. You have changed into a person different from the woman our family loves and who I married.

First, I want to say this: I loved you as my wife and mother to our children with all my heart, and my commitment to you and our marriage was unending. I have always been so proud of you – proud of you as my wife.

I am so sorry that we find ourselves in this place that is so lonely and confusing for both of us. Until September, I did not fully understand how truly miserable you were. I didn’t realize how my inability to show my respect for you had affected you. I hadn’t realized how much you needed the house to be clean, for me to be a stronger parent – instead of relying on you to carry that load. I truly did not understand the selfish way that I approached our life together, and I didn’t understand how that affected you. I didn’t know how to properly show the love that I felt for you. I repeated all of the mistakes I learned in my childhood. I foolishly undermined your efforts; I didn’t back you up when I should have. I didn’t protect you or our family (including myself) from this pain.

Based on the above at that time, I didn’t understand what your needs truly were, and how I could meet those needs in order for our marriage to grow.

I have found the tools that we need to make our marriage one that is joyful, loving, and supportive. I have made many changes in my life over the past few months; will continue to do so for as long as it takes. Some of these changes you may have noticed, some you may have not. Some you may never notice. I have to continue with these changes, and I’ve demonstrated to myself that it’s possible and that they can be permanent. I still have a lot of work to do, but with every success I have, the hope for my future brightens and I have confidence in my ability to make positive changes. My hope is to be able to share this with you [as my W[/i]in the near future.

As my hope for the future increases, so does my sorrow over my loss of you. But what is worse is that I find my love for you is dying – I’ve lost so much love and respect for you for your affair that the pain has become more than I can bear. What I must do now is to preserve what is left of my love for you as my W. I have stop this bitterness and pain from overwhelming me.

I mustremove myself from contact with you as the WS – I cannot accept phone calls, text messages, instant messages, or personal visits from you. While you are in this state of WS mind, I mustavoid seeing you and speaking with you. I have to give myself a fresh start in a positive environment. This is not aimed at you, dear XXX. This is to safeguard what love I have left for you so that if there comes a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still the love and hope within me to do that.

For now you will get responses from me on the following items: (list the items such as $$, child visitation, mail, etc.). If you need to contact me, please do so through your parents or Ron – they are the only people for which any trust within me remains. Here are their phone #s and e-mail addresses which they are requesting you to use.

XXX, I know we could have a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I’ve learned so much in the past few months and I’d love to share it with you - should there come a time when you feel you could commit to trying to build a new life with me. It is something I’d like to discuss with my wife. For me, that commitment would include absolutely no contact with OM, including a letter written to him that we both send to him explaining our desire. It also would include Marriage Counseling.

My hope is that you will think about this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.

I would like to one day consider you to be my best friend, wife, and lover. Our family misses their mom and I miss my dear wife.

David </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok David, I have put my suggested revisions in italics in your above post. Also I have removed some of your other lines so you may have to compare it against your original letter. You will find that some of paragraphs sound hard. You can soften it up to better suit your goal.

Again, these are just suggestions. The gist of the letter is to let her know you see her a 2 characters. Address each individual separately. You love your W, stress that. Your family misses your W. You have made changes, you must protect yourself and your family (hence the need for this letter aka: plan B). Outline contact requirements. While she can say whatever she wants (remember you can't control the WS - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) you can let her know on what items you will respond on via the 3rd party.

Expect her to balk. Again, when you letter shows there are 2 different characters being addressed, it will help deflect some of the WS arrows coming your way. Remember your request is to have your W back, not the WS. Subtle but accurate and it is stated there.

Stand with your family on this matter. This letter is just as much for the entire family as it is for you. In fact it should help strengthen your stance. Reminds me of the old Star Trek show where this alien masking as a beautiful princess tries to attack each person then becoming them. In reality her goal was to suck out the salt out of the human bodies to satisfy her own need for survival. YIKES!!!! Sounds like what the WS tries t/d. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The only way each person was protected was for 2 others to stand in front of them, when the alien redirected to another person, then they switched roles to protect the new person. BTW that tactic confused the alien. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Kinda like a good plan B!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, well the picture is painted...... you don't want that person/alien in your life, you want that alien to give you your W back.

All the best,
L.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi David,
Your letter made me cry. It is a beautiful letter.
I've been reading your posts to keep up with everything. I noticed that you have quite often said that your feelings are going away.

I have to agree with Travellinman in this statement---
I know you think the love is dead, but it may just be hidden underneath the rock of your willpower or hurt. ---and---
But then, I started communicating with my WW again, and the emotions that I thought were gone resurfaced again.


Over the years my WH done many things to kill my love for him. He has been emotionally abusive and somewhat verbally abusive as well. He suffers from major depression and the IC says anger or withdrawal often how men express it, rather than like us women, who cry.

You have been through so much with her David!! It's no wonder you feel this way. You know my situation and I feel this way almost on a daily basis myself.
I told my WH two years ago that I did not love him anymore because of the way he treated the kids and me. For most of that time, I did feel the way you are feeling right now towards Cheryl.
But, then he'd do something that showed me a little consideration or maybe even a hint of love. (Wouldn't that be called depositing love bank points, maybe? - he he.)
Sometimes I'd go weeks feeling nothing because it seemed hopeless.
I still think there is hope for your marriage with plan B. I think you should give her the letter. Now, I am not yet at that point, so it is easy for me to say I'm sure.
I definitely think that you have plan A'd all you can though.

Also I want to say thanks for the update about my Hubby using my MSN login. Not to threadjack here but he sent me this email yesterday afternoon:

BS,
I just deleted my hotmail account, I don’t know how long it will take to be completely closed. try sending a email to it and tell me what it says.
OH by the way david says hi, the messager came up. his not there right now but I did say "HI" back that’s all I said.
WS

Hopefully all he said was HI - sorry about that!!

A couple nights ago he finally promised me NC with OW and that he'd get rid of her in his email, cell phone and his folder with all her contact info in it etc. I had found out that he did call her just last week to wish her happy B-day and I told him, that's it, I'm done.
That same night I also told him about the spyware and he said he knew, only because of the questions I've been asking him lately and the things I knew that I wouldn't have known otherwise. So, he found out from me, not from the post that was here on MB. And, surprisingly enough he wasn't mad. I took the spyware off now and have no intention of using it again.

So, anyway a brief update of my situation on your thread. I think my WS only reads the threads that I start. Kind of tempted to change my screen name sometimes. I felt so free posting here - but guess there's nothing that he doesn't already know!! Take care!

Suzy

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: suzychapstick ]</small>

Pete:

The first time I read through this letter, I thought it was a pretty darn good first draft! I'm impressed. My very first reaction though was that it doesn't really give her a very clear list of boundaries to return home. For example, it's not very clear saying:

1. NO CONTACT--and that means a letter that we WRITE together and send together telling the OM you love me and you are recommitting to the family.

2. Individual Counseling--and that means that you have started individual counseling to deal with your issues and weaknesses that allowed you to betray your family. Must attend and participate in IC for X months.

3. Marriage Counseling--and that means that we attend counseling together, you attend willingly, and you participate in working through our issues as a couple. That also means that you work on meeting some of my needs too AND admit your contributions to the destruction of this marriage. Must attend and participate in MC for X months.

See what I mean??

I did very much like that it was written from the heart and was true and honest to your current feelings and state of mind. I did very much like that it is not just a "form letter" but it sounds like it came from you. You took the concept of the Plan B letter and wrote your own rather than just "filling in the blanks." That was Cool!!

At first I did not go through line-by-line or word-for-word, because the idea here is not to "proofread"--but upon my SECOND read through, here are my thoughts:

To my dear XXX

First, I want to say this: I loved you with all my heart, and my commitment to you and our marriage was unending. I have always been so proud of you – proud of you as my wife, proud of the woman you are. You have always been a wonderful mother and my respect for you runs deeper than you will ever know.

I might word it "In my life, I have loved you with all my heart..." because I know that right now that loving feeling isn't real strong...but at one time it was! Even now, you do love her at least as the mother of your children, and probably even more--but I get it that saying "I love you" right now feels pretty fake.

I am so sorry that we find ourselves in this place that is so lonely and confusing for both of us. I'd change that to "...painful for me." Until September, I did not fully understand how truly miserable you were. I didn’t realize how my inability to show my respect for you had affected you. I hadn’t realized how much you needed the house to be clean, for me to be a stronger parent – instead of relying on you to carry that load. I truly did not understand the selfish way that I approached our life together, and I didn’t understand how that affected you. I didn’t know how to properly show the love that I felt for you. I repeated all of the mistakes I learned in my childhood. This sounds a little like a "reason" and I don't know your W is a Feeler type or a Thinker type, but reasons rarely work for either! So, I'd suggest changing it to something like "I foolishly did all the same mistakes that I saw as a child." I get what you're trying to communicate is that you saw dysfunction as a child and yet as a grownup you did the SAME DARN THINGS!!! I foolishly undermined your efforts; I didn’t back you up when I should have. I didn’t protect you – from myself. I didn’t understand what your needs truly were, and how I could meet those needs in order for our marriage to grow. Good stuff! I like this!!

I have done a lot of soul-searching over the past several months and look forward to a lot more over the next several. A lot more what? Soul-searching? Maybe identify this a little more clearly, like: "...I look forward to doing a lot more work on myself in the future." I believe I have found the tools that we need to make our marriage one that is joyful, loving, and supportive. I have made many changes in my life over the past few months; will continue to do so for as long as it takes. Grammatical note: it may be more correct to put a subject after the semi-colon so that there are two complete phrases: "...;I will continue..." Some of these changes you may have noticed, some you may have not. Some you may never notice. Just delete that last sentence, as it is not necessary and a little bit of a dig. I have to continue with these changes, and I’ve demonstrated to myself that it’s possible and that they can be permanent. I still have a lot of work to do, but with every success I have, the hope for my future brightens and I have confidence in my ability to make positive changes. My hope is to be able to share this with you in the future. Two suggestions--see if they resonate with you: "My hope is to be able to share these changes with you in ourfuture."

As my hope for the future increases, so does my sorrow over my loss of you. Wordsmiting: "..so does my sorrow over the loss of our marriage." But what is worse is that I find my love for you is dying – I’ve lost so much love and respect for you for your affair that the pain has become more than I can bear. This is well written!! I have to do something to preserve what is left in the hopes that there may be something left should you change your mind about our marriage. I have to do something to stop this bitterness and pain from overwhelming me. Once again--GREAT JOB!! I love how you actually invoke the feelings here. Here's where you could put that list I had up top--the boundaries--the things you need in order to consider re-establishing a relationship. I have to remove myself from contact with you – I cannot accept phone calls, text messages, instant messages, or personal visits from you. I have to avoid seeing you and speaking with you. I have to give myself a fresh start Just skip this: in a positive environment. This is not aimed at you, dear XXX. Actually, it is aimed at her. So I suggest rephrasing to "I am not doing this to hurt you" or "My intention here is not to hurt you." This is to safeguard what love I have left for you so that if there comes a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still the love and hope within me to do that. Well Done!!

If you need to contact me, please do so through your parents or Ron – they are the only people for which any trust within me remains. Okay, IMHO the trust comment is not necessary. Also, just checking...have you arranged with these people to be your go-betweens? I mean, are they aware that your WW may be contacting them to give you messages?? Do they know HOW to be a go-between (for example, a good one filters out the emotional badgering and just passes along requests and information).

XXX, I know we could have a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I’ve learned so much in the past few months and I’d love to share it with you - should there come a time when you feel you could commit to trying to build a new life with me. It is something I’d like to discuss with you. For me, that commitment would include absolutely no contact with OM, including a letter written to him that we both send to him explaining our desire. It also would include Marriage Counseling. See?? Here's possibly another good spot to insert that list I have above. One thing I do know is that at this place in the letter, I would DEFINITELY make the rules of returning much more clear.

My hope is that you will think about this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.

I have always considered you to be my nest friend, wife, and lover, and I am having a hard time imagining a life without you.

I have always loved you

David


FNCJ

Plan B is all about ending the affair before contact will resume.

It is not about setting a bunch of rules that have to be followed before Plan B ends & contact resumes.
Once the affair ends, then you can sit down & discuss "terms" of reconciliation (counseling, moving back in together, etc)
Don't set all this stuff in the Plan B letter.


Also, here is a few comments about the letter directly.

: I loved you with all my heart, and my commitment to you and our marriage was unending
It was like this in the past but it is no longer true? Change it to present tense.
“I love you with all my heart and my commitment to marriage & you is unending.”

I didn’t realize how my inability to show my respect for you had affected you.
This says you knew you were disrespectful but you could do nothing about it. Probably not what you mean.
Change it to, “I didn’t realize I was not respecting you & now I can see how I may have been doing this is.”

I have to give myself a fresh start in a positive environment
This (a fresh start) sounds like you are actually ending the relationship. You are not.
Change it to something like, "This is to keep me from losing the love I do have because it is painful for me."

If you need to contact me, please do so through your parents or Ron – they are the only people for which any trust within me remains.
Leave out the last sentence. Don’t lay your self-pity on her. You are trying to show her you are strong.

Hi Suzy
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also I want to say thanks for the update about my Hubby using my MSN login. Not to threadjack here but he sent me this email yesterday afternoon:

BS,
I just deleted my hotmail account, I don’t know how long it will take to be completely closed. try sending a email to it and tell me what it says.
OH by the way david says hi, the messager came up. his not there right now but I did say "HI" back that’s all I said.
WS

Hopefully all he said was HI - sorry about that!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wasn't using your login, he was using his own, just used your name on it - just to see what kinda responses he'd get. Guess I should delete what I said to him in your efelant post, then. I feel what he's doing to you very strongly, and what he did made me...very angry...If you need to, you can send him an appology for the way I reacted. He shouldn't try things like that without a bit more computer savvy...

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A couple nights ago he finally promised me NC with OW and that he'd get rid of her in his email, cell phone and his folder with all her contact info in it etc. I had found out that he did call her just last week to wish her happy B-day and I told him, that's it, I'm done.
That same night I also told him about the spyware and he said he knew, only because of the questions I've been asking him lately and the things I knew that I wouldn't have known otherwise. So, he found out from me, not from the post that was here on MB. And, surprisingly enough he wasn't mad. I took the spyware off now and have no intention of using it again.

So, anyway a brief update of my situation on your thread. I think my WS only reads the threads that I start. Kind of tempted to change my screen name sometimes. I felt so free posting here - but guess there's nothing that he doesn't already know!! Take care!

Suzy </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really hope this is a true turnaround for you ansd him and not more smoke screen - sometimes WS will go deeper underground. Not to discourage you - I truly hope for the best....just be prepared!


David