I had said yesterday that I would offer an update on what's going on with me one of these days.

I looked at my watch at about 3:30 today and realized.......

D-Day was 1 year ago today.

So I guess today would be as good a day as any to do some, uh...."reflection."

I reviewed my first MB post to see where I was a year ago. It's a bit lengthy, so I won't post it here.

I found my mindset interesting at that time, and how after a year "here", how in the dark I was at the time. It's also kind of sad because I've seen my story over and over again.

I think it's safe to say that I've grown just a little over the past year.

I've rebuilt my life, and it really is great. By filing for D last week, I feel that I've closed a very big negative that remained in my life.

Which is crazy....my first post says that "I'd won't file on my own." Isn't that ironic?

Our lawyer called on Monday to tell me that the petition for D was signed and to have WW come by and sign the D papers.

I called and left her a voicemail to go sign the papers. She sent a text message to tell me she had on Tuesday. I didn't reply. What could I say.

She called on Wednesday to tell me again that she had signed them, which was weird, because she never calls, only TM me. I told her what the lawyer told me, that the D would be final in 15 days, and that he would file the property settlement after that. She asked me to tell her when she needed to do something else and I agreed. And that was it.

I didn't even realize until today that I met my STBXWW 9 years ago Wednesday.

I didn't really feel anything talking to her over the past few days. So I guess I've reached the "indifference" stage. I don't hurt much (if any) when I see any of "our stuff" and the sort. I do miss my wiener dog sometimes....

And I was sad on V-day, not because of the D, not because of my WW, but because I did a secret admirer thing for someone and it didn't play out like I thought it would.

THAT was disappointing.

But at the 1-year mark.

Things are great. Really.

So a quick thanks to all of the MBers who have been with me through all of this.

And as a bit of advice to any new MBers:

Do the best that you can FOR YOU, and by that, you'll be doing the best you can for your M.

God Bless!

Ethan

Wise words, tfm!

And you've certainly grown wiser for your experiences.

I hope this isn't the last we hear from you?

best,
-ol' 2long

TFM I read about BS enduring abusive, protracted 'recoveries' making everybody miserable, then I read your tale where you did everything you could do to save your M, but realised you had to let it go and realise somthing.

MB isn't pro MARRIAGE at any cost, it is pro self respect. The genuine brand of self respect where you can look in a mirror with a smile and clear eyes seeing nothing you are ashamed of or regret.

Trying to uphold your promise to your spouse and to God is worthy and worthwhile, but it serves NO purpose to flog a dead horse if it is clear that the WS is not prepared to contribute.

Be proud of yourself TTM.

You couldn't save your M but you saved yourself from a lifetime of regret.

Congratulations and MUCH happiness to you !

Ethan,
Congratulations on rebuilding your life! It is 2 months today past D-Day for me and your comment below reinforced what I've been realizing big time over the last 2 weeks thanks to people on this board. It is a darn tough concept to understand and an easy one to conveniently forget!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do the best that you can FOR YOU, and by that, you'll be doing the best you can for your M. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And, Bob - thanks for your comment below!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MB isn't pro MARRIAGE at any cost, it is pro self respect. The genuine brand of self respect where you can look in a mirror with a smile and clear eyes seeing nothing you are ashamed of or regret.

Trying to uphold your promise to your spouse and to God is worthy and worthwhile, but it serves NO purpose to flog a dead horse if it is clear that the WS is not prepared to contribute.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, my WH is not willing to contribute to rebuild now - not to say he won't ever be - but not now... I also fully realize now he may never be ready so I won't hold my breath any longer. Almost 2 months of holding one's breath - taking little gasps of air here and there - is not what I'd call enjoyable! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ethan...no matter what...you sound stronger and getting along fine without your ex.

You are lucky this happen while you are still young and without children.

Give it a more few months, you will be posting here telling us you have met someone great!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hope the best will come out of this...keep us update...take care

Ethan, I'll say what I always say to you; you are wise beyond your years. I think you have opened my mind to the fact that doing one's best doesn't guarantee anything. In the end it takes two. When I first came here I think I was skeptical of posters like TMCM and WAT who had lost their own M's. But now having watched stories like your's and Jen Brown's has taught me that no one person can control the outcome of a M. It's success or failure cannot be attributed to one person.

You should be proud of the effort you gave and take this knowledge into your next M complete with children and another dog if you wish. Good luck in all your future endeavors.

WOE (walkingoneggs)

2long,
I don't think I'm going anywhere, at least for the forseeable future. I want to do my best to pay something forward, as there's a lot that's been given to me.

MB has always been a bit of a refuge for me, somewhere where I know I'm understood. I want to do my best to help create that for others.

bp,
You're right about self-respect. One thing that I had never learned was how to set boundaries for myself, about what I would and wouldn't accept from things. MB has helped me with that, and with those boundaries, comes a much higher level of self respect.

verysadnow,
Another thing that MB has shown me, as that there's no use in trying to force anything! There's absolutely nothing that you can do to truly affect a WS. You can do YOUR BEST to prepare an environment that best facilitates the recovery of the M, but it takes two. It just takes two. So work on that, but work on it on your own. Best case scenario, your WS comes sniffing around to see what it is you're building. If not, then you've already begun building without them. You "win" either way. It's not always easy, and some days will suck more than others, but the world's gonna keep on going, whether you're along for the ride or not!

zizzy,
You're right, and I'm much happier that this happened now and not later. And I can't say that I'm not hoping to meet someone, but I'm not really "out there" that much... s'pose I'll have to make that leap at some point.

WOE,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's success or failure cannot be attributed to one person. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is one of the the most difficult truths to really grasp. But the percentages of who destroyed what in the M just aren't that important. If both parties aren't willing to give 100% (which I imagine isn't always easy) than recovery is pretty uch shot......

Who'd have thought that a D could be deemed an MB success story?

Ethan

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

tfm:

"Who'd have thought that a D could be deemed an MB success story?"

Not many of us, at first. But there are many that have been very successful. Those you mentioned come 2 my mind. Then there's hcii, spacecase, brit's brat, nasakid, alostsoul, seahorse...

And those are only the ones right on top of my head. There are many, many more.

-ol' 2long

Just the simple fact that she shrugged off the M says to me, there was little hope in saving it...because it really takes two. I think you did the right thing and you are reaping the rewards just from having peace of mind.

Good luck to you and thanks for sharing.

Nomoregames

You are an inspiration Ethan!

I am sorry things didn't work out the way you had hoped when you married, but know that your future will be just as bright and shining as you are.