OK so I tried to post this to the Plan B site, but traffic is low and it is making me crazy. I figure I could get some Plan B'ers here as well.

I hope that this is not too disjointed to make sense, but after all this is all new to me. I am confused about something.

I gave Plan B letter. Was working...as in I am in much better place of peace. Then my WH filed...now he sees the need to talk about the conditions of divorce. It is hard to talk AND go dark. I am unclear whether this is his way to get to me.

I have been good about staying dark until this past week. My MIL (my mediator, who lives with me...don't ask!) has been in the hospital...so no consistant mediator during this last week. WH keeps wanting to bring up "issues." They do appear to be important, although he actually seems to have very little when he has tried to "discuss important family business, ie finances and custody"...Tina says "HUH?"...why are you starting a conversation when you have nothing to talk about.

So I told him the last time we talked (Sunday) that he had made chooses that has lead us to where we are in our relationship today (I have owned up to my role in the death of this marriage, during plan A and in the Plan B letter). We have made all the important decisions that need to be made concerning custody and financial distribution. Everything else needed to be put in writing through his lawyer. I am trying to make this a civil process for DD, however, I have felt worse this last week during the period of intermittent contact than I have in a long time. Plan B is working for me...I have alot more work to do, but I feel very close to God and am working on other relationships based in my relationship with Christ, as well as on myself.

So how does one partner (me, BS) do plan B while other partner (WH) is focusing on plan D. Very different goals in these two plans.

Bring on any suggestions. Maybe I should post this to general questions.

Docthorpe, I suspect from the timing of your Plan B that he is contacting you to get a docthorpe "fix." Your Plan B is working and he is starting to feel uncomfortable. As long as he is allowed to communicate with you, he can safely continue his affair. He is also probably testing you to see if you really mean no contact.

I would suggest that you refer him to your attorney if he needs to discuss any further issues.[or have his atty contact yours] Tell him to please read your Plan B letter again and respect your request for no contact, thank you. CLICK.

Then, if he calls again, just sound like a broken record: "have you ended contact with OW? please read my letter and respect my wishes." CLICK

If he calls after that, don't take his call. He will get the message. But the worst thing you can do is talk to him while you in Plan B. You will suffer, your potential for reconcilation will suffer, and your credibility will suffer.

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

MelodyLane-
I was wondering if this way his warped way to get a fix...but that makes me feel like I am holding on to something made out of smoke.

I think that the mistake I am making is to hold him to the letter. Well, here I go again.
Tina

Tina, I am confused. Why would it be a mistake to hold him to the letter?

Also, while you should not get your hopes up at all, his behavior is pretty common for a withdrawing WS. They typically try to initiate contact so they can get a "fix." The fix helps them continue in the affair. That is why it is so important to STAY DARK when you are in Plan B.

I am presuming you have done a proper Plan B? With a letter, etc?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that the mistake I am making is to hold him to the letter. Well, here I go again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oops...meant to say the mistake I am making is NOT holding him to the letter. I really haven't been making it stick. I feel like I have been trying to play both sides. I don't want to make the separation and potential divorce more difficult on DD. But it seems to sometimes work against Plan B. I guess I am jut trying to balance the best of both without compromising what is best for DD and for me and therefore for my marriage.

I am just overwhelmed the last week or two. Tina

Tina, the best thing for you and D is to NEVER compromise your Plan B. See, Plan B is really your only hope right now, so it is in your D's best interest to abide by it.

If you don't stick to it, then Plan B is a complete waste of time because your H knows you don't mean it. Nor will he ever be able to experience withdrawal from you. There is no reason that you have to be in contact with your H; you can select an intermediary for any emergency contact.

Did you send a proper Plan B letter? Have you read the Marriage Builder's books?

I did send a Plan B letter. I have also read.

I did well on staying dark for the first period of time. I know that the reasons why I have allowed him to violate this without making him stick with consequences...but these are just excuses.

My MIL has been a great go between. She has no demands on me and is supportive of what I am trying to do.

Any suggestions on how to move back into "the dark?" TINA

Tina, I would EMAIL him, or send along a note via your MIL, that you have made a mistake by having occasional contact and that you must go back to the plan outlined in your Plan B letter. Tell him to please contact your MIL in the event of an emergency but you expect that he would respect your wishes and not contact you anymore.

Give him a chance to learn what it is to not have you. He will never learn this if he is allowed to get an occasional Tina "fix." See what I mean?

I get it. It just seems hard to stick to. If I had to admit the truth, I get something out of the contact. However, the cost is too high, so I will do what I know is right.

Thanks, TIna

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by docthorpe:
<strong> I get it. It just seems hard to stick to. If I had to admit the truth, I get something out of the contact. However, the cost is too high, so I will do what I know is right.

Thanks, TIna </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good job, Tina. Try and look at it like having a horrible tooth ache. You are in constant pain and know that your tooth will rot out if you don't get a root canal. Do you avoid getting the root canal and lose your tooth entirely because you don't want the temporary pain of a root canal?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Good job, Tina. Try and look at it like having a horrible tooth ache. You are in constant pain and know that your tooth will rot out if you don't get a root canal. Do you avoid getting the root canal and lose your tooth entirely because you don't want the temporary pain of a root canal?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a great analogy for all of this!

The whole process of dealing with the emotional death and resurrection that happens after an affair and marital destruction fits in your analogy. It is so important to face the pain as it comes instead of stuffing or putting in our baggage to deal with later. I know how "wonderful" I am at dealing with old baggage (sarcasm here!). So I move on and deal with what comes.

I know that I have to go dark. WH needs to truly see what he is missing as he pursues his D. I call it his D on purpose, it's not what I want, at least not now. I have found that the longer I work on myself, the more I question that...but that is a subject of another post, is it not!

Thanks, Tina