OK, as you may have read in my "pouring" post, I asked WH to move out. I left him Tues after finding out he was still contacting OW but had to come home cause DD4 was ill.

He went to supper w/ us this evening & then left. We got home and he was calling asking if he could come over cause he wasn't "ready" to go back to the trailer alone yet. I agreed. He left after a few hours and thanked me several times.

I am still feeling sooooo confused!!! I have been so hurt and beaten down emotionally by this man that I am fairly certain that I do NOT love him as a W should love her H. He is not a H worthy of my love and affection, and I found myself hating him intensley! This scares me so that I had to insist he remove himself from our home. I cannot regain the feeligs for him while he is here tearing me apart... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am not sure where I am going and what I am doing here. Any insight? I am feeling so down and wiped out...trying to go on but am struggling so much! HELP!

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: Tx-RN ]</small>

Tx-RN,

It isn't a matter of what he is or isn't ready for. This move was to protect your love for him and if having him around even for a short while w/b counter to that plan, then he needs to be where you will feel safe and healthier.

A Ws will continue to try to take advantage of the BS. So expect him to make up excuses. Unless he comes to you with proof that he is willing to meet YOUR needs and your requirements, then it s/b a no go.

R U up to enforcing that?

L.

Tx-RN,

Orchid's right. You are doing this to save what love you have left for your H. Then you can think through it all and decide if you want to do the things necessary to try and save your M.

If you allow him to stay he may very well drain ALL the rest of the love you have for him away and then there will be no one left to fight for the M. That may end up being your choice in the end anyway, but YOU will be able to make the decision, instead of your WH making it for you by killing your love for him.

Sometimes you need the distance to get your head on straight. I know it would have been WAY too hard to have my W move back into the house too soon. It would have been bad for us and the kids. You are doing the right thing here,IMO.

Thx!

I do feel I am doing the right thing here, but it makes it no easier w/ that.

I allowed him to come back over cause he was polite, humble and calm. I told him before the only way he even has a chance to get back into my heart is by courting me, treating me like the jewel that I know I am, by loving me the way I deserve.

That can only happen w/ time. Right now it all feels like too much too late, but I am praying the Lord will work in my heart and remove this pain, anger and indifference. It is all very much counter to my natural persoality and I hate feeling this way!

He has already called this AM, says he is running errands and is coming here to help get this house clean... it is overdue for a real scrub down! He was all sweet and nice, maybe it is me, but it all seems so fake, not genuine. Forced.

I don't know. I am literally drained to the very core and am having a hard time seeing clearly.

They are burying my Dad today. I am making peace w/ that. At least I met him, saw him, touched him. He called sometimes and I wouldn't always answer, he was so hard to talk to. Feel a bit guilty but that, but I know he loved me. I was 30 or so when I finally found him, had my Momma call him up and tell him cause I didn't feel it as my place. He wasnt exactly shocked, apparently he had heard Momma was pregnant when she left town and he always sorta knew. My little sister who is 28 now was very surprised but very excited, she was raised an only child. She and I are kindred spirits and I feel most of the guilt that I cannot be there for her right now. It sucks, she shouldn't have to do this alone, I should be there but I cannot get past all this mess to do that right now.

Told WH today that I know that I used to love him in that deep forever sorta way, like the couples who are M for 50+ yrs... used to ... haven't had that for a long time. Told him he could not live here cause he was in real danger of strippig away the little bit of love I have left for him by staying here. I want that type of love again or I don't want him, it is that simple.

He said it hit him yesterday, he says he wants nothing more to do w/the OW... we'll see! Says it is hard being on the other side, w/me being the one saying those words he has often said "I am not sure that I love you anymore, I am not sure if I want to be M to you anymore, I need my space and I need time to think." He says it is weird being on the recieving end but he "respects" me for it! OK!

I am trying hard to let go of the hatred for OW. She was a willing participant even knowing the players and telling me she was done w/him. It is HIS fault for allowing her into our lives, but she had choices too and I feel she has had no consequences. I realize, biblically, it is not my place to assure she has those consequences, but I also felt the need to punish her for her part in the continuing saga. She is a hateful, bitter, mean W and I have a great deal of hatred for her. Don't worry, there is alot of that for WH too, one big reason I needed him out. I need to let it go to move forward, but it is so hard, esp knowing she still has a job where his office is. I am not sure I will ever be ok w/that and I am angry that they have not yet fired her for her behavior. She has continued to harass and interact while on the job and she should not still be there!!! She has been there less than 6 months, so it is not she is a "long-timer" & it isn't that she is well liked, she loves drama and alot of co-workers have expressed their concerns w/ her behavoir and yet she is still there. Things that make you go hmmmm!

I am just trying to figure out where I am going and why. Pray for me to find my direction, plz!

TX-RN,

U have had a lot on your plate. Your body has been compensating with adrenaline. Now your body and mind are getting tired. Your heart still wants to keep plugging but the rest of the body may go on strike. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That is why it is critical to get your mind and heart in sync, ok?

Take some time and rest up this weekend. As hard as it c/b, don't dwell on the A. It isn't in your arena to fix.

Work on setting your boundaries and enforcing them. You have said your peace to your H. If not, write it down (plan B letter).

Write, journal to vent and keep track of stuff.

Enjoy your weekend. Get some rest and make a memory for yourself and children. It may help bring some closure regarding your dad.

JMHO,
L.

Well I think I am close to that (closure for Dad)

We are cleaning our home, top to bottom. Not fun, but therapeutic nontheless. FWH and I went & saw a movie tonight and then went and had drinks. We actually talked alot about the A, which is OK.

Got a little toasted and had some SF on the way home... seriously, I have been sooo lacking! I am only human! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Doesn't change anything, really. He is on the couch and only cause he is a little toasted and doesn't need to drive to the woods. He still needs to work at itand I am not welcoming him home right now. Just needed some of my needs met for a change, and yes, it is a high need for me...

Trying to do the right thing, but not sure what that is. Yes, some of me still loves him, but much of me is realy sick of his crap. He is trying, but only time will tell if it is real.

I am seeing some improvements...

Not like I am jumping up and down and asking him to move in, but I am seeing many more than just glimpses of my H as opposed to my WH.

I agreed to go out w/him cause it has been more peaceful. Plus, we had gotten to the point (again) where there was no companionship outside of this house for us. We hardly had time together. And honestly, I needed some fun for a change, if he didn't want to go out I would have probably done it on my own or w/a girlfriend... I am not looking for anything else but some "me" time where I can be an adult, not Mommy, not nurse, but "me"... trying to remember who that person is!

There is still alot of pain, and although I did not intend, much of the evening was spent talking about the A... too many triggers, too many unanswered questions. But it was OK, kinda therapeutic in it's own way....It helps me to see he is getting over her and he already knew that there was no chance at long-term anything there. She stroked his ego and he went right to it! It also came out that recewntly OW told him she was falling for him before she went and said "I just want to use you for sex"!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> How is that not a cold, calculating, evil
person?! How can someone like that look at themselves in the mirror?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He strung her along just like he did as a teenager.. said if he asked her she would have given him her entire tax return cause "she was totally in love w/me" (swears he never took any $ fr/ her though) I looked at him and I said "shame on you!!"... he was wrong for ever allowing her into our lives (& then keeping her there) and she was wrong for being a willing and eager participant!

I just don't understand, and I know it is cause I am tying to make sense of the sensless.... still, it hurts!!! I am worth somuch more than I got here, and I know that inside and out, but there is a very small part of me that thinks I am being punished for something, just don't know what...<sigh>

Here I am begging for some sort of direction.

Since I cannot avoid him (or not wanting to) should I go back to Plan A? I was under the impression that plan A was to end the A, but our NC letter is already sent and I think it is finally over... he says he realizes that there will never be anything w/ her and he doesn't want her.

He is still not living at home but that is by my request and my choice. Really, he needs to know I cannot be drug in circles anymore.

I am bout ready to move but H wants to keep his business... not sure if this is the bridge I want to die on or not. Still, tired of supporting him and feel it is time he supports us!

Anyone have suggestions?