Everyone -

I have a friend who is going through an A. Her H has been having an A for over a year, and she found out about it in December. I have tried to get her to come here and read, have loaned her SAA, and tried to give her solid MB advice....BUT....she thinks that somehow her sitch is different, and refuses to follow most of the MB guidelines. She then proceeds to call me bawling when he stomps on her heart yet again.

How do you get through to someone that MB is a tried and true system that works in most cases? I would really like to help her recover her M, but she is so stubborn, she thinks she can reason her way out of this sitch.

Any ideas? Should I share her email address with the uber-gurus here? How can I get through to her?

TM

Its all about choices...TM

I have a friend too who has the same story as yours. She won't listen to anything i tell her.

You can only pray for them, hope the best for them...be there for them if needed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

TM,

There's a saying: 'you can bring a horse to water but you can't make 'em drink.'

Your friend is in denial, despair and her mind/heart are not in sync.

All your perfect words won't work right now. So just be her friend and one day she will wake up. She will find her sitch isn't unique.

Remember for most of us it is sooo painful, we can't imagine anyone else having to suffer so. Didn't realize there are just tons of people out there all over the world undergoing what we are going through if not worse. The scary piece is how many of us are here @ MB? But at least we are here to help, learn, grow and give support.

Let your friend know, we have seen more than she has. If she wants to hear some of those stories she can either e-mail or just lurk and read.

She will come when she is ready. You have the right medicine but the patient isn't cooperating. Be patient.

Tell your friend to pray for a clear mind, a calm heart and lots of patience. Ask her if she found the WS handbook. It is written in A code. Babble is what spews out of the Ws' mouth. Let her know if she can get ahold of that manual, she will have an upper hand on her WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Having read the various MB materials and combining with some training by psychologists at work, I have come up with a quick summary of MB (in my opinion).

First of all, you may want to impart to your friend that the functional definition of insanity it to do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Next, you remind your friend that you cannot make someone else do something. Period. What you have to ask yourself is, "what is it that I can do that will yield the result that I am looking for." This is a key premise in anything that you do in life...

Keeping these 2 concepts in mind, look at Marriage Builders. The policy of radical honesty... the policy of joint agreement... These seek for you to get an agreement from the other person to do that (and to do that you are offering to do the same). Love busters... yeah, think about it... by being a nasty person or someone who calls my spouse a name, will that make them want to get closer to me? It may feel better for a minute (to you), but it will not yield the result that you are looking for (to rekindle your marriage).

Knowing the other person's ENs provides an opportunity for you to gain insight into what makes the other person tick. Knowing that, you can then choose what thing(s) that you can do that can yield the end result you are looking for. If spending more time at home is the other person's #1 concern and that they feel that you are weak there, you can try to focus on that. Or you can ignore it, say that the person is wrong and then ask yourself, "will this get me the end result that I am looking for?"

Try to communicate the first 2 concepts... I think most people would agree... from there, MB is a way to consider putting these in action.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
<strong> Everyone -

I have a friend who is going through an A. Her H has been having an A for over a year, and she found out about it in December. I have tried to get her to come here and read, have loaned her SAA, and tried to give her solid MB advice....BUT....she thinks that somehow her sitch is different, and refuses to follow most of the MB guidelines. She then proceeds to call me bawling when he stomps on her heart yet again.

How do you get through to someone that MB is a tried and true system that works in most cases? I would really like to help her recover her M, but she is so stubborn, she thinks she can reason her way out of this sitch.

Any ideas? Should I share her email address with the uber-gurus here? How can I get through to her?

TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If by "get throught to her", you mean "get her to follows MB techniques", I don't know that you can. You could, of course, offer to lay out for her the exact evidence that caused you to conclude that MB techniques have been proven to be effective, but it sounds as if you tried that and it didn't work.

Another possibility is that you can try applying MB techniques to your relationship with her and teach by example. For instance, you can be radically honest about how you feel when she "call[s] [you] bawling": something like, "When I hear you saying the same things over and over about your relationship with XX, I feel so frustrated and powerless to help". You can avoid making disrespectful judgements such as "she is so stubborn, she thinks she can reason her way out of this sitch". Her not accepting your POV is not "stubborn"; it could be an indication that she is not really looking for your advice, just your friendship.

You can negotiate to have your needs met in your friendship, too. If you don't like 2 AM phone calls that say the same thing over and over, say so. If you need her to spend some time listening to what is going on in your life and responding appropriately, rather than making her problems the focus of your every conversation, say so.

What I am saying is, rather than defining the problem as that of "How can I get her to do what I think is right for her?", you can step back and ask the question, "How can I make my friendship with her less frustrating for me?" There are a lot more (and better) answers to the second question than the first.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: elspeth ]</small>

TM, your friend apparently has some of the BS fog. Perhaps you should explain to her that the SAA and HNHN is more than just principals. It also has alot of information about the the anatomy of an affair, and being able to see through behaviors.

So even if she doesn't buy into discovering and meeting her WS needs, or any of the 4 rules to a happy marriage, or the Love Bank concept and LB's. At least she will be better prepared for her WH outrageous behavior.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid said :
Remember for most of us it is sooo painful, we can't imagine anyone else having to suffer so. Didn't realize there are just tons of people out there all over the world undergoing what we are going through if not worse. The scary piece is how many of us are here @ MB? But at least we are here to help, learn, grow and give support.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid, Since my D-Day four of my friends and co-workers have found that thier wives are having affairs. Sometimes they have come to me... it is sooo painful. Sometimes my eyes tear up as I listen, or give some advice. I know the pain, the anxiety, ... the total destruction of everything.

Like watching a movie about the holocaust. You feel such pain and amazement the cruelty that another person can perpetrate on another. Especially when the other person is someone you have trusted to protect you from that.

Wow, this hits home with me big time - listen close.

My WS's OM was her best friend's husband. Our families were extremely close - they were instrumental in the care of my youngest son who battled cancer for 5 years. They were by our sides the entire time. We lived only 4 doors apart. Our kids gave the "other" parents Mom's and Dad's day gifts.

When the affair hit, OM's wife exposed it to me, almost simultaneously with me figuring it out for myself. She and I were instant allies, but took different tacks almost from the beginning. I lapsed into depression - this coming on the heels of ny son's death - and she went into attack mode. The description, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," was meant for her.

Almost 5 years later, she hasn't stopped.

This was despite my efforts to introduce her to MB. I gave her copies of SAA and HN/HN. I showed her this website and this forum. I appealed to her over and over to adopt a different strategy - to stop being the embodiment of all the reasons that the infidels used to justify their affair and marriage.

Ultimately, I had to cut her off from ME. I could not carry both of us. My surviving son actually blames her for all the problems - because the infidels had her to point at and she DID become a crazed lunatic. It was easy for my son to believe.

So, my point is that some BSs cannot see or be compelled to see despite our best efforts. I communicate here almost everyday with BSs I never meet, and most listen. I was never able to reach OM's wife and she unwittingly contributed to the destruction of our families by becoming the infidels' scapegoat.