I haven't been here for ages. My H didn't like me here.
For those new and those who don't know me let me summaries my story.
Sept 2003 my H went on a conference alone and had an A
Moves out b/c I don't love him
Nov 2003 DDay he came back home -physically never emotionally.
Since then he has had on and off contact with OW (nothing physical) but never able to start repairing our M.
He tried to leave me in May 2004 and Oct 2004 and each time chickened out. I kept trying to improve myself, control my anger, try harder to forgive and meet his ENs- it was never enough.
He is now planning to move out and I know I shouldn't stop him. In fact I should be thrilled he will not be able to lie, betray or hurt me any more. And yet I am still heart broken at the impending end of our marriage and the destruction of my family.
To complicate things, our DD is away for 8 weeks. Three choices;
1.He leaves now but how do we tell her while she is away without all her support network and being already very homesick.
2. he leaves but we keep it a secret from her till she returns
3. He stays till our family is back together and we can help each other get through this tough time, She is back in 4 and a half weeks. We've been in this mess for so long what's a few more weeks.

So give it to me what do I do?
How do I survive?

You have plan A too long...time to plan B

My Dday was also in late 03 but i have never given in to my waffling WH. He was like yours...never broke contact with OW so i implemented plan B and move on.

Now i feel good with myself and happy with life. You should try plan B...it will be good for you.

We've been in this mess for so long what's a few more weeks.

A few more weeks means you are giving him more chance to disrespect you. Dont you feel you have had enough? Dont you feel you deserve more respect than this?

If i was in your shoes...i will kick him out today and not another minute longer!!! I will not allow WH to give ME his time or deadline...i will give WH MY deadline...either he change or out he goes.

All this time you made the changes...its not YOU that is wrong...its not YOU that need to change...IT IS YOUR WH that need to change and show respect to you.

So what is your plan now? Are you going to wait again? Read Love must tough by Dr James Dobson...

zizzy, she won't do Plan B if I remember right.

Sorry you are back here, Arty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Plan B was never my choice of action.

I always thought it was better to work it out with him at home. Even if it takes longer, for the sake of the kids. As much as my brian tells me I was wrong, my heart won't let me be the one to break this family.

Plan A continued so long cos he always said "this time will be different- give me a chance". I wanted to believe him.

But now he is leaving and then I will do my best plan B. My primary thought is always the kids. I will not do something that I don't believe is in their best interest. Throwing out your childrens' father when he has no where to go is not in their best interest, doing it while DD is away will really spoil a life changing experience for her. I don't want to be motivated by revenge or pride but by what is best for my whole family (even H).
S

arty, the purpose of Plan B is twofold, to save the marriage by influencing the WS to end their affair and/or to protect the BS from the destructive nature of the affair. Saving the marriage IS in the children's best interest. Having a parent who is allowed to carry on an affair right under their nose and treat their parent with utter disrespect ISN'T. And now, sadly, he is leaving for the OW.

When Plan A does not serve to end the affair, then it is important to go to Plan B so that the affair is not cemented, as it has in this case. A perpetual, never ending Plan A is very harmful to the marriage.

The children are not cut off from their parent in Plan B, only the spouse it cut off. There is nothing whatsoever unethical or against the interest of the children in Plan B.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Meoldylane, Apparently OW is in another relationship. Even though there is continued contact. He is not leaving for her he is leaving cos he doesn't think we can be any better than what we are. He won't go to MC. He has been distant for ages and if I even dare to delve as to C, I am accused of being angry and unforgiving and he is even more distant for days after. He tell me "she is not the threat to our M I am". Now I know he was.
He is leaving cos he no longer wants to be with me cos "he is sick of me making him feel like the bad guy and he just wants peace"
S

Arty, I am sure sorry it has come to this and even sorrier to hear he has never ended contact with the OW. I wish you the best.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melodylane, thanks for your kind words. It seems sometimes even with the best intentions things don't work out the way you would have wanted them to.

I am now in limbo waiting for H to find a place to go and for the right time to tell the kids.

Any one who has been through this with some support or ideas of how to lessen the blow for them and how to best support them through it?
S

I started to answer this one, but I would be a giant hypocrite at this stage of the game....I reinstituted Plan B today, but blew it clean out of the water after a mere 3 days on my first attempt.

I just want to tell you that I feel for you, that you are worth more than this, and if something's not working try something else.

Try doing the DivorceBusting 180 on him, if he's gonna hang around for 4 more weeks........check into that one.

-Caren

Thanks Caren,
I have that DivorceBusting 180 on my laptop and I read it every now and then. So I have been following it. It makes having him here easier to deal with but it is really hard to know that your H has decided he does not want you any more and sees his only option as out.
I have often told myself, how he feels today may not be how he feels tomorrow or next week but he has not managed to turn to me emotionally fo any consitant time frame. He now tells me he is constantly looking over my shoulder wondering if it gets better than this. He says that his body is here but not his soul - he must find a place where the two can reunite. Is this a load of c**p, is he really hurting, or is he just trying to hurt me?
S

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It makes having him here easier to deal with but it is really hard to know that your H has decided he does not want you any more and sees his only option as out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hon, I know this one, it is hard, it's horrible, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, I would take every bit of your pain away if I could......I'd give it to my WH's OW, but you wouldn't have it anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Caren,
You made me cry!
I am so scared and feel so lonely. I have spent the past 20 years of my life knowing I was loved by my H and that he would always be there for me. Silly me.
Waking up each morning knowing that only you care about you is a new expreince for me and it hurts. Maybe it was always the reality but I just never knew it.
My brain tells me it will be OK but my heart is eching.
S

bump

Please try not to take this personally. I know it is hard. Your husband is like an addict and not himself. It hurts, but you WILL feel better soon, with or without him.

It is very hard not to take it personally. Even though you know his behaviour is not normal my self worth is zero. My ability to control my temper -almost zero, my physical pain huge.

I told him to stay in our house till DD comes back in 41/2 weeks. But yesterday I found out he has been in contact with OW again. I told him he now has to move to DD bed and leave ASAP. He doesn't want to and has apologised AGAIN for hurting my feelings. He hasn't found "a little cottage" to move in to. He will leave but give him time to set him self up. And anyway it is his house too.

What now?
Where to and what to do?

S

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by arty:
<strong> I told him to stay in our house till DD comes back in 41/2 weeks. But yesterday I found out he has been in contact with OW again. I told him he now has to move to DD bed and leave ASAP. He doesn't want to and has apologised AGAIN for hurting my feelings. He hasn't found "a little cottage" to move in to. He will leave but give him time to set him self up. And anyway it is his house too.

What now?
Where to and what to do?

S </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, S.

I tend to speak plainly, in a very matter-of-fact way. It is the unfortunate side effect of being - me :-)

Since you don't want a plan B, and you have anger issues, then what about actually following through on a boundary.

You have put hubby in the DD room and told him to leave. That is good. Now you need to make him believe you are serious. Out to the curb he goes.

He apologizes "again", and you accept?

I don't know your situation. I haven't read all your posts.

I do see you floundering about with your own boundary. He sees that as weakness. He exploits it.

Stop the wishy-washy and you will see your husbands respect grow for you immediately. It is extremely clear that your husband does not respect you. This also is a part of your staying angry. You are angry because you have no control. You are Angry because you are frightened.

Lose the fear. You will not die if he is not there. God is NOT basing the continued rotation of the earth on his being home. That means that the sun will shine again tomorrow.

To the curb with him. Let him know that you mean business.

"Husband, I love you with all my heart, but I REFUSE to live this way any longer. Leave now. Lose the other woman, then we MIGHT talk about your return."

Confidence, not anger. Love in your eyes, not hurt or hate.

All the best,
Gimble

Yes, I hope I can stay strong and follow what you suggest. The issue of the kids is what drives me to give him a second/third/hundredth chance. I keep hoping he will wake one morning and appreciate all he will be forfeiting. But he hasn't and he won't. So the sun will shine for all of us with out him in our home.
S

arty, how is allowing him to continue his affair unimpeded in the best interest of the kids? Look at what a complete lack of any semblance of boundaries has wrought? He has had no motivation whatsoever to ever end his affair. And he still has none. Why would he ever stop the affair? Only an insane man would give up such a great set up. And I doubt that he is insane.

I never permitted him to continue his A. I kept telling him C was not exceptable. Aparently she has a new partner and only wanted his friendship. He tells me it was my obsession with their C (phone only) which destroyed the M. Regardless, he is no longer interested in working on this M but says for the sack of acremony (sp?) and an easy transition for the kids he needs time to find somewhere to go and to set himself up. I don't want us to be at loggerheads but how do I handle this? If I insist he leaves now he will be very angry etc if I let him stay I feel I can't move on.

And in my heart all I want is him to turn his heart back to me.

S

Arty,

Okay, so he has to stay until he finds a place. This sucks but what I would do is to start to distance myself from him.

In your mind he is already gone. Avoid him in the house. Do things for you. Act as happy as possible. Mysterious is good. Do the 180 until he leaves.

When he leaves go directly to Plan B.

You feel so bad because you have lost your self-respect. Living with an unrepentent WS has got to be the worst thing a woman can go through in terms of self-respect.

Your children do not need an unrepentent dad in the home or a mother who is being destroyed by it. Your home should be a happy place where love lives. It should be a place where all are emotionally safe and allowed to blossom. If it isn't that way, you are doing your children and yourself a great disservice.

You can do this Arty. Detach from him for this month or so, and change your perspective so that you view this as a positve, necessary step in your recovery and the possible recovery of your marriage.