Oh Arty,

Life sucks sometiems doesn't it??

Keep plugging away at keeping your responses to H as kind and non desparate as you possibly can! It does work - my H has been here every day and he keeps lashing out the fog stuff and I keep swallowing my tongue so as not to respond in kind! THe last two times he even hugged me when he left the house. Yesterday he picked up DD11 after school as she had handbell practice. We were going to go over the bills and $ issues (we are still working from one $ pot until April 1st because of the house sales, and bridge financing until his new place closes - that really makes for high stress and lots of ways I could LB but I am doing well!!)

Back to the story - when he got here and started on the bills he started his usual rant and rave about $$. I sympathized and said how much nicer it will be when he only has to worry about his own (not sarcastic either) bills and I can be responsible for mine and that it was hard to work out of 1 account for now. I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner as I was roasting chickens.(pre planned but not expected). First he said no that he was going to his Aikido class. I said suit yourself and went about what I was doing. Within 5 minutes he changed his mind and said maybe he would stay and have dinner and skip his class. I said fine and we had a very nice dinner with the kids. He left shortly after to go home. I felt so calm all evening as I can see the possiblities of working the plan.

This morning he has called me already to remind me that some of my new expenses were coming out of my new acct today and to make sure I was covered. I thanked him for his concern and then said see you later! So it definately is easier to catch a fly with honey rather that vinegar. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In your instance, and I was there for a few months in the same sitch, I would concentrate on doing kid stuff, going about your personal business, have dinner with a friend or ??. Act as if you are accepting and moving on in your thoughts for the future. Do not do any R talk, do not mention OW or anything to do with his issues. Be as attrractive as you can for yourself and keep the faith that you can portrait a self confident and wonderful woman who anyone else would be excited to have as their spouse!! You have to be the best actress as you can - keep in mind that this is a play that needs each part be played out until the final curtain call. You can do it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

By the way - keep copies while you can of all financial docs etc.

You know how I got my house? I told my H that I had found a place that was perfect for me and the kids and that he needed to come look at it with me. When he saw what a great place it was he agreed to sign with me on the offer to purchase with condition of bridge financing until our house sold(once the legal separation agreement was signed the house was put in my name only as he was legally required to pay me CA and alimony and it was documented as income for me) He did it for two reasons I'm sure, 1 - that he would not have to pay total expenses on our M home if I stayed there indefinately with the kids. I could have stayed until the youngest was 18 years and he could not have sold it without my approval, #2 - he would get a share out of the proceeds to buy a place for himself (vey encouranging for him). As it turned out with a little influence from me, me bought a condo 1 1/2 blocks from my new place. Not close enough that I have to see his comings and goings but close enough so that the kids can walk across the park there whenever they want. Sort of decreases the bachelor life when your kids could show up at any time. I am close enough so that I will always be on his mind and around in daily comings and goings, lots of time to Plan A for awhile longer.

My thoughts are that if we work out of M that we can keep the condo as an investment rental and he could move here. It could also turn out that I change my mind, I am getting used to having my own space untarnished by dirty underwear etc. Maybe we could spend the rest of our lives being together but apart in our own places!? You never know what god has planned in his great wisdom!

Arty, I am reading the book "Divorce Myth" by Michele Werner Davis. It has lots of great info and is very close to MB ideas. Keep reading quietly to yourslf and gather your strength!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Shelly,

Life sucks sometiems doesn't it??
Oh, yes it does!!!

You are doing great, even if you don't save you M it sounds like you have saved yourself. Go girl!!!

I will also try the detached plan A approach.
I will not do R talk. I will not do R talk.I will not do R talk.
I can do it. (I'm trying to remind myself)
I have nothing to lose at this stage.

I went to see a lawyer today. We decided not to do anything yet except gather information. It makes me feel stronger to know where I stand. Our accountant is helping us work out a budget for each of us coming from the one income source. I have my reservations about how it will work but we will see. It is better than getting ugly if I can avoid it.

I may start house hunting too. I am really sick of where I live and would love a change. I feel a bit scared though to buy prior to selling as I have no idea what we would get for this place.

You and I so often think alike. I have also thought that if we get through this and he buys a place then it could be an investment for us. And I have also considered the option that we may get on better and have a great R with him in his own place. Yes, I am sick of his mess too. He never puts away anything.

Reading those self help books often turns my stomach. They make it sound so simple and put everyone in the same basket. What do you think?

S

Morning Arty,

Yes sometimes the self help books do get annoying. I think it is because at those times my defenses are down and they allow me to spend too much time thinking and dwelling on him! What I tend to do is skim and get to the meat of the matter, look over my options and then decide what applies to my sitch. Alot of them don't apply because we are separated already.

I have been so much better the last few days. I even spent a few moments thinking of OW yesterday and that sick feeling in my stomach did not appear! That is an improvement!

Yesterday I spent shopping and having lunch with my new neighbour. We get along great and she has a blended family of 6 kids, some the same age as my two youngest. So they already have new friends that occupy them.

H called last night to say Hi! Go figure. I had a friend here so did not talk long. H wanted to chat about his work and ?, I really am his best friend and he just hasn't realized that yet. This can happen because I have taken away the R talk and LB from our time together. He is now more comfortable talking to me again. This is a step forward!

The new neighbour kids mentioned to their parents that " its seems nice that DS15 mom and dad get along so well". So I know my acting abilities are getting superior!! In fact it is great for the kids that we can do that for them.

I know that if OW ever shows up on the scene that he will have to think twice about how it is creating grief, as it won't have been ongoing from me!! Does that make sense to you?

You sound like you are starting to think along the right lines. Keep doing that. When we worked out our finances the money ended up better that when we were living together, there are tax breaks for H and myself when there is CS and alinony involved. He is not in the 50% tax bracket anymore so that means we can both live comfortably on his one income; you can ask your accountant about if something like that works there as well?

Yes you will continue to feel bad about the kids, but if you can be more positive they will also think more like everything is okay! There will be times when they have bad days just like you, but once they are secure in the fact that they are not loosing anyone they will settle into a routine again. Allow them total open contact and ability to love their dad at their chosing. Remember that your kids and H are all in one yacht, you are the anchor and if you pull away the boat will drift and possibly end up in the rocks! Keep being the anchor for your family!(yes I lived on a sailboat for a few years hence the analogy! I could write a book that would astound most people!!!!!)

Trust me in saying that you will be happy again, only in a different way and about different things in your life.

I am thinking of starting my Argentino Latin dance classes on Sunday afternoons, I just got an email from the instructor telling me I should come. No partner required! I am going to as DD11 is with her dad on Sunday afternoons at horse back riding lessons. Good time for me!

Be exciting to yourself and others will find you so! Live in love and respond only from love. You can do it!!!

GO GIRL - GIRL POWER!!!!

Hugs
Shelly

Arty,

Haven't heard back from you today? Are your ok?

I wanted you to read my post "WH is feeling guilty" it would seem that doing the Plan A and detaching, along with some DBing is working? Not sure how it will all pan out but I'm sure it is a start at least! If it can do something for my H it could possible do something with yours given time! Do not fall back, move forward with resolve. If you want to talk off site email me at wifeinc@telusplanet.net.

Hugs
Shelly

Shelly,
Sorry to worry you. I have been in the office all day and then all the kids stuff. It is now 8.30pm and I have just stopped for the first time since 7am.
I had a really bad day today. Last night I had a dream that H called to say he isn't coming home tonight, I asked him where he is and he said at OW. I totally lost it and then woke up. He has gone out this evening for a work dinner (supposedly) who knows and what difference does it make!!!
On Thursdays, we work alone in the office (just H and me) and his patients. I find it a really hard day. When he finished work he went out house hunting. It is horrible to think he will spend all that time and energy to get away from me instead of directing it to saving our M. He has told me he missed out on 3 houses so far.
Today my chest ached so hard from the pain and all I wanted to say is stop this and just hold me and love me again like you used to. But I didn't!! My DD 6, told me as I tucked her into bed that she missed Daddy. And I thought to myself, just you wait, soon you will be saying that most nights.
My H called my DS12 on his cell phone this evening so he won't have to talk to me. How horrible is that!?!
I have managed to avoid the R talk and do not LB but I find it hard to be happy or fun to be with as he breaks my heart and destroys my family.
I know how you feel about OW and our children -I did once tell him that if he allows OW to have any contact with our kids- he will never see us again. I was adviced not to say that cos I can't legally do that but I would crumble if she spent time with them.
I like your boat analogy but I don't feel strong enough to be my own anchor let alone everyone elses. And as for being happy, that is not even somrthing I can imagine at this point. When you talk about doing dance classes, I can't imagine having the energy to do more than what I have no choice to do. I keep saying I will take an art class but I haven't even done any research yet.
I feel so lonely, I don't feel excited about anything or feel love for anyone but my kids. Today is not a good day sorry to be so negative.
BTW what is "DBing". I think I will e-mail you cos I worry that H (although he thinks this site is full of c**p) may get on it to see how I'm feeling. He has done that once before.
Sorry to be so down
S

Hi Shelly,
Tried to e-mail you but it bounced. Any ideas?
S

Arty,

Try wifeinc@!telusplanet.net (my work email)

For some reason the one I posted earlier is not coming thru, I will have to talk to my IT guy about that.

Shelly

Mistake...
take out the ! \
s/b wifeinc@telusplanet.net

If your interested check out my web sites:
www.wifeinc.com
www.cookingforyou.ca

There is a pic of me on the first one somewhere!

Shelly

Hi Shelly,
Sent you an e-mail- hope you got it.
How are things going for you?
Is all calm?

I'm off to pick up kids from school then to my sister in-law for dinner. They still don't know anything. I thought it best to tell the kids before family members find out. I don't want them feeling that people have known and hidden it from them, They should be the first to know. On the other hand maybe his family could knock some sense into him (who am I kiddin.
When I tell them they will get the whole truth of my past year. I know they will vaguely support me cos they want C with the kids.
Better run
S

hi Shelly,

Still no news from you is evrything OK?
Did I say something tp upset you?

I know it's week end and there is less traffic but I feel the need to vent and I am so paranoid nowadays.

I always wake with a start at about 6am not believing that this is happening to me. Will I wake up one day relaxed and content?

He has told me he will be out in a week but there has been no discussion about any details- most importantly, how to tell the kids or how to share the kids.
This is his dance he will have to work it out and I'll tell him my opinion on it.

The only people who know aboout the A are my close friends and siblings. They usually pretend they don't know when they speak to him. I thought it was kinder to the kids to tell them he was leaving first before the rumours and the funny looks started but that means holding off telling his family etc.
I know MB says expose the A. But by the time I foubd out he was coming back home to work on us (that's what he said) And later, to expose an EA seemed silly and I was constantly told it was dying. I may have made a mistake but it just never seemed right time.
What now?

This whole thing us stupid, stupid stupid!!!!


S

Hi Arty,

Sorry to worry you! My internet was down since Thursday night until a bit ago due to account name changes. How stupid that they turn the whole thing off to change a name on a piece of paper!!

Anyways, I think you should feel some kind of relief that something is actually happening, even if not what you want. I think it will give you some time to regroup and consider what you future could be! Give some time to get through the changes, scheduling etc the dust will settle and you can think about yourself for a change.

As far as chipped crockery, do what I did, give him the old and give you and your kids the new! My line is "there are four of us and only one of you!" Sometimes I think you are too practical?, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> allow yourself to be a little frivolous. I might just feel good!

I am working on my Plan B, the last few days have been hard, WH continued to waltz in here like nothing after his speach to me the other night about his feelings! You were all right in saying this was not for my benefit, it was for his own guilt relief Yesterday I found that he told my SIL about the OW, that was the last straw. To think that he can be so casual about it!

I will start a new thread about my plan B plans for feedback.

I emailed you back, and do not worry about saying something wrong to me!!! You didn't, and even if you did I would tell you (I have strong shoulders!!)

What's happening for you in the next few days? Are you seeing an attorney to protect yourself?

Shelly

Hi Shelly,

Not sure whether to keep talking to you here or just e-mail one another. What's your feeling?

I'm happy for you that your internet is up and running again. It's funny how we become so reliant on these things.

H wants to talk about the kids and how to share them. Any ideas about what I should ask for? I have no idea other than i want them here with me and their Dad for that matter. But that ain't going to happen. So, what do I want?
He doesn't want to take the old things and says he will be buying cheap stuf anywayf. He has never bought anything cheap in his life. He wants to start afresh with everything new. At the end of the day it is the least of my worries. If he doesn't take the crockery I may put it to good use by throwing them at him. Would MB vets think I was LB? Who cares!

Did you read that thread I copied for you. I really feel what she did may work for you, since your H is always hanging around.

There is another thread I want you to read. I will try and find it for you. It really summed up my feeling of loneliness. I want your feedback.

I might write my plans on e-mail just in case H decides to have a sticky beak. We have got apt with accountant and Relationship C all on the same day-Tuesday week. By that stage I imagine he will be out of here. I'm sure we will still have a lot of issues to resolve that having a third person around with experience in all of this will help us.

Whats cooking for you (joke)
S

Hi Shelly,
Here is that link I mentioned.
He just about sums up how I feel to a tee.
I suppose the amazing thing is that I am less naive about life now.
What I would do to be naive again!!!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=033234;p=1

S

Hi Arty,

Yes I too felt like that, less acute now that nefore. It gets better every day. I am now pondering how I let another define me more that I defined myself. I am working on that angle for myself.

We can connect both ways, I like reading the general replies to our issues. It helps me see whether my thoughts are really off the wall or within a reasonable plain. Emailing is great too as I love to get mail! and I think our sitchs are so alike that we can get more (if possible) personal that way. Anyways it is fun to hop around the board meeting people!!

I have to get dressed now, I have a 10am nail appointment (my treat for me) and then a later appt with my web designer. We are going onto phase II of the site into e-commerce soon. And I want him to look over revamping the old site to bring it up to speed!! Lots of other stuff to put my mind to for awhile.

Be good and be fair to yourself.

Hugs
Shelly

Hi, Shelly,

Hope your nails look great. I am off to the physio. Trying to get rid of the nagging pain in my shoulders and neck. May be it will go with the other pain (H).
Anyway, speak soon.

S