This may seem like a little thing, but I would sure like some input:

H and I had a very good marriage *at home* for a very long time. Then I learned that he was leading nothing less than a double life at work and was simply not my husband when he was there. He used the cover of his very large coporate workplace to date the women he worked with and greatly enjoyed having both a wife at home and girlfriends at work (not to mention strippers on the road) for a number of years.

Then Mulan finally wised up and stopped playing that game.

There have been many huge and horrible fights about what my place is in his work life. He has always VEHEMENTLY defended the idea that he did nothing wrong in the workplace, that these were "work people," <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and "that's just how it is at work. Spouses don't belong. That's just the way it is."

Now that he just got a promotion and is very high up in this international corporation, he STILL believes that spouses do not belong at things like conference dinners and awards banquets and has NO intention of ever trying to get this policy changed.

However -- since these are exactly the kind of events that he used as a cover to date his female co-workers -- Mulan gave up on trying to change his mind. She has gotten a paying job, been saving her money and is counting the days until her teenage son graduates from school and moves on.

So, H has done the unthinkable. His boss is going to be in town next week and he and his "team" are taking the boss out to dinner -- and I AM INVITED.

Yes, this sort of invitation is what I hoped to get -- but I hoped I would get it simply because H wanted to share things like this with me, not becuase he's STUCK with it and would NEVER EVER do this if he really had a choice.

Do you all understand what I am saying?

He wants it clearly understood what a BIG DEAL this is for him and what a BIG SACRIFICE it is for him to make and that it could cause BIG PROBLEMS for him at work. (How? For *shudder* not following the corporate culture of "no spouses allowed" in front of his BOSS of all people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

No other spouses are invited to this dinner. I asked him why, and he coldly informed me that they would not want to be there.

How do you know that? Did you ask them?

No. But they don't want to be there. They're too busy.

So . . . I know that if I go, I will only feel like an intruder and like the boobyprize. (I've been to a couple of things like this before.) He doesn't really want me to be there. He's only doing it to keep the peace and shut me up. But his refusal to include me at events like this one and sharing them with his favorite female co-worker instead are exactly what destroyed our relationship.

So, should I do the right thing (go with my husband to a dinner with his boss and co-workers) for the wrong reason (I know full well he doesn't really want me there) -- ?

What's your opinion?
Mulan

Mulan ... don't email me...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

silly attack!

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Aw, c'mon Pep -- I love politically incorrect. I'm sure everyone else would like to know your thoughts too, even if they're not what I want to hear . . .
thanks
Mulan

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Is it the one where you contact ALL the other wives....and go out to the table NEXT to them??

or just happily join them right after the good ole boys are seated and starting on their shaken not stirred first martini's ??

ARK

Ark, this is a mixed group -- the men don't bring their wives and the women don't bring their husbands -- that's the whole idea, doncha see that, you big silly?
Mulan

Okay, okay so this suggestion is not productive, is playing games and does not promote a healthy relationship, but just for laughs....

Don't let him know if you are going or not, but buy a new fabulously feminine professinal suit. Look great and AT THE LAST MINUTE (I read your other post)...tell him you aren't going because you have something else to do. When he asks what, let him know that spouses just aren't to be involved. But wish him a really good time and that you will see him later...be sure to be in a really good mood that night!

Then, invite your best friend out to dinner, art gallery showing or something else that is going on in town that night. hee hee. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But seriously, I wouldn't go to the dinner. Instead, I would explain my disappointment that he has chosen to support corporate policies that are counterproductive to his personal life and that you had hoped he would see you as a professional asset rather than a professional liability.

Mulan ... Free's advice is superior to mine ... although mine was wickedly more fun... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Take Free's advice, not mine!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Go.

Much of life's wisdom is contained in a single piece of dialogue in George Bernard Shaw's "Saint Joan": the exchange between the Inquisitor and the Chaplain during the trial of Joan of Arc. The Inquisitor orders the Chaplain to sit down. When the Chaplain indignantly refuses, the Inquisitor says, "If you will not sit, you must stand." To that, the Chaplain says, "I will not stand," and flings himself into his seat.

Often, as Shaw knew, the best reason to do something is that someone else doesn't want you to do it. But frequently, this prima facie childish logic, if applied inappropriately, reveals, well, childish logic.

Is your H calling your bluff? Duh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

If you don't go, he will conclude it was all a bluff - or by refusing to go, ala the Chaplain, he wins.

Go. And if you wanna make a point, spend all your time flirting with the other guys. (Did I say that?)

WAT

If it were me, I think I would go. Even if he can't see the sense in you going, if you DON'T go, he will probably then have TWO reasons for not inviting you again. His first, that it's the "rules," and his second, that you wouldn't go even if he DID invite you.

I think you should go, be your charming, witty self, impress the HE!! out of everyone there, including your H. Even if the "door" has been begrudgingly opened, it has been opened nonetheless. Go, do your thing as if it had been offered in the way you would dream it offered, and see what happens.

That is my opinion.

Spidey

You might have guessed that I would agree with WAT.

Could it be that your H is being prideful yet deceitful? Could he have asked for his boss to make an exception for you but he does not want to tell you?

At one time my H and I had this type of relationship in which it seemed that we were competitive and he tried oneupmanship with me. He did not want to let me know that he was going along with what I wanted. He wanted to make sure that I knew that he wasn't controlled by me. Sick, I know... More specifically, sick ego....

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mulan -

I had a similar sitch in that I felt what I did in my company (I am self-employed) is my business, and my W didn't need to be giving me advice about it.

But then I read about the "rooms" that men have in their head, and how they seperate the differing rooms entirely. There is a room for family, friends, work, hobbies, etc. What I didn't realize is that my W needs to be let into all my "rooms" - not just the wife/family room. It helped me realize how I was excluding her from the entire me.

I think it was here on the MB website where it explained the concept of the rooms. I just don't see how you can ever have a stable, loving relationship with his policy of excluding you from his work "room". Especially considering that work was where the A's were.

Maybe you can explin the "room" concept to him, and he might understand better how his actions are destructive. I know it helped me.

TM

house coat
fuzzy pink slippers
curlers...

mini mini skirt..gold spandex....
over the top cleavage...
lots of makeup
even more cheap cologne...

all black...
black black eyeliner...both lids...
long black cigarette holder...


so many decisions...
so little time...

ARK

Mulan,

Whether or not you are the only spouse there, is not the point. Even if you are, those people do have ears, eyes and mouths right?

Ok, use those tools (alien like or not) to your advantage. I suspect your H is baiting you and hopes you will back down. Don't give him that satisfaction. You may find it intriguing to learn how uneventful that night c/b. You c/b the light of the 'party' a refreshing breeze or let your H see his secret meetings/parties were not all they were cracked up t/b.

Be a soclialite for 1 evening. Let them pamper you. Soak up the attention since you w/b noticed if you are the only spouse there. If you find you are NOT the only spouse there, mingle. Heck, mingle anyway. Casually mention you thought these events were 'secret meetings' where everyone plotted against the company while the company paid for the meal - LOL!!!! Light corporate humor..... let them know that Mulan's H has a great wife.

Who knows, you may be asked to coordinate the next event. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hmmm. Spider and WAT have really good points...besides I guess you'll be calling HIS bluff. (How could it really be DAMAGING professionally? As if they will overlook his worktime performance because he brought his wife to an evening event? Come on!)

Then again, I just read Ark's. response LOL!!!

***Could he have asked for his boss to make an exception for you but he does not want to tell you?***

Oh, he did ask the boss for permission to include me. He had to. This dinner is being held to entertain the boss while he's here in town. That's why it's such a huge deal.

Originally, H wanted me to commit to going *before* he asked the boss. I politely refused, saying how could I commit to something when I didn't know whether I'd be allowed to walk in the door? H was fuming, but I did not back down or get upset. So he did ask the boss and the boss said "okay." I don't know if the boss hesitated, or dragged his feet, or really didn't care. All I heard was, "He said you could go."

TM, years ago I used that exact same "rooms" analogy to explain to H how I felt. He said he understood -- and he has never budged on his "spouses don't belong" mindset. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

WAT, I understand what you are saying with your analogy. And surely you understand that this is not about whether I get to go out to dinner or not. (Heck, I could take *myself* out to dinner, and I have.) This is about my hoping to find that my husband *wanted* to share this with me and honestly wanted to have me there with him.

But I have clearly been shown that that is not the case.

Okay, all: What if I politely said, "Thank you for the invitation, but I would rather wait and go when something like this is not a problem for you?" Because that really IS how I feel.
Mulan

Is there any possibility that he's just trying to give you what you want? Trying to work at your M?

C

Mulan:

You know him better than any of us. However, it seems to me that he wants you to come. Well, he wants to make you happy. However, he is showing you in his own weird way. Does this make sense?

I've had to learn to accept my H's peculiarities. He's not the way that I want him to be but he is himself.....and no different than he has always been.

I would go since he arranged for you to go. I think that's a win situation for you. I think it would surprise him. I think he expects you not to go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His boss is going to be in town next week and he and his "team" are taking the boss out to dinner -- and I AM INVITED.

Yes, this sort of invitation is what I hoped to get -- but I hoped I would get it simply because H wanted to share things like this with me, not becuase he's STUCK with it and would NEVER EVER do this if he really had a choice.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, he invited you. I don't understand how he is "stuck" with it . . . stuck with WHAT? He DID have a choice. You can't MAKE him do anything, Mulan. For whatever HIS reasons, he invited you to a function that you have told him in the past you want to be invited to.

Why would he choose now to feel FORCED to invite you? You yourself said you had given up hope of changing his mind, then, suddenly, out of the blue . . .

Honestly, you cannot read his mind. You can infer things from his tone, his choice of words, etc., but you cannot read his mind. He might feel uncomfortable that he feels he breeched protocol, for something that HE feels is silly. But out of respect for you, he went and asked his boss if you could attend this party.

That sounds like a pretty big step in the right direction to me. I understand you have a history with this man, and perhaps there is a power struggle thingie going on here, but . . . because the invitation didn't look EXACTLY like you wanted it to, you are going to negate the effort? Does that seem productive? Your H might have gotten this out the only way he is capable of right now. If that isn't good enough for you, could that wall him up to trying again in the future? On the other hand, if you go as Orchid says and have a great time, he has a great time, his view on you not going could be changed forever. After this one party that you are not sure of, your H could actually INSIST you be invited to each function from there on out.

But you will never know if you don't go.

***Is there any possibility that he's just trying to give you what you want? Trying to work at your M?***

Maybe . . . but my question is, is it really "working on the marriage" when it's done begrudgingly and hatefully and ONLY as a last resort?
Mulan