I will try to make this brief. I've been married for 20 years, 2 kids, and have always considered ours a good marriage - until I discovered, 8 years ago that H was "seeing" someone at work. I caught him calling her at odd weekend ours, and found he was at her house when he said he was elsewhere. I knew of her as a work friend of his, and when I cught him, he swore up and down they were just friends, and it was never physical. I didn't believe him, I left for an extended vacation, he begged, pleaded and cried, said he made a mistake and it would never happen again...I forgave and returned and all was well for 8 years, until last summer.

This time someone mailed me copies of torrid emails between H and a divorced mom from town, who I thought was my friend! I introduced OW to my H only a few months earlier, and all of a sudden she was "in love" with him. I flipped out, threw him out, again, he begged, swore on our childrens life that she meant nothing to him, she was whacko, they were just friends, he was an idiot, and, to his credit, I did see 2 emails where he told her he wasn't interested, she should find someone else and that he would never leave me...so, again, I took him back, and told him that was it. Never again would I tolerate that behavior - BTW, I've always been completely faithful. He was very remorseful, gave me all his email passwords, cell phone access, etc. I only check sporadically now and was finally getting to a point where I didn't think about it every day.

Then yesterday happened. I checked his email, and found this message, from a woman at a competing company, no salutation, it reads:

"A place I wanna go...looks nice from a very rapid "walk by"...

and then there is a link to the restaurant website and review, and that is all.

My heart started beating out of my chest. I said nothing to H, but, while talking about H's job last night, the company this woman works for came up in our discussion, and I asked H if he knew anyone who worked there that he could contact for a job opportunity.

He said no. He lied.

What do you all think? Should I lay low and see if they make a reservation at the restaurant? If he's calling her, it's from work, and I can't find out. I know he will be in the city where the restaurant and her office is one day next week for a meeting at his office(not at her company, like I said, she's with a competitor, and he has no business reason for meeting with her).

I'm dying to confront him with this, but I feel he will just be able to make something up that it's about business. I need to have proof that something untoward is going on.....am I overreacting?

I need help, there's no one I can talk to but I do know I can't do this again. I can't live with a serial liar and cheat. I won't.

Just want to add that I did a search on her name and found a home phone and address listing - with a husband.

The other OW were single. I'm very tempted to call her husband and give him a heads up, but if this is innocent, I and my husband are going to look like lunatics.

I could really use some advice here.

Just want to add that I did a search on her name and found a home phone and address listing - with a husband.

The other OW were single. I'm very tempted to call her husband and give him a heads up, but if this is innocent, I and my husband are going to look like lunatics.

I could really use some advice here.

I would contact her and ask her if spouses were included in this 'business meeting' because you would be 'delighted' to come along. Without saying the exact words, let her know you are a W that WILL fight for her M before something even gets started. S&I

Hi 3S,

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I would NOT confront with this little evidence. He'll talk his way around it, and you'll have nothing left. He'll probably start covering his tracks better, too.

Can you hire a PI for a few days? Can you check phone records, email records?

You do not have enough yet. Do you want to Plan A this man and try to get him back? Or is this a last straw?? Seems you've been more than patient...

What do YOU want, if worse comes to worse? Have a good answer to that before taking ANY action, ok? Is the evidence for Divorce, or Recovery? This isnt his first offense...

Hang in there, and best of luck to you - Dru

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Print out and save that message.

My further recommendation will be separated into parts - what to do with this OW and then, in this order, what to do with your husband. These recommendations are based on your description of his history. Absent his prior behavior, I would not necessarily jump to the conclusion that he and OW were planning an adulterous rendezvous.

First, the OW:

Attempt to contact her husband. Upfront, ask him if he knows about your H and express your suspicions. If you can't get him, S&I's scenario is as good as any way to confront her. Watch her scurry like a cockroach. If you get her rather than him, you immediately have to confront your H.

Your H:

Confront him ASAP with your evidence. He most likely will cave as he did in the past. Then get both of you to counseling for some hard core investigation about his repeat problem. If he doesn't cave, let us know.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

but I don't know if there actually is a "business meeting". It's a very cryptic email, all it says is

"A place I wanna go....looks nice from a very rapid "walk by..." and then the link to the restaurant.

How would everyone interpret that?

I mean, I do know that people ask clients where they would lik to go, but usually the email would have more verbage, like,

"John, thanks for the offer of lunch, I would love to meet with you tuesday and have been wanting to try out Chez Pierre, please let me know what you think"

Looking forward to our meeting,
Suzie Smith"

That email message does not seem business like to me. It looks like something I would write to my H if he told me he wanted to take me to dinner. There isn't a salutation or a closing. It seems way to personal to me...I'm hoping some others could give their opinions.

Oh, and let's not forget that my H claimed that he doesn't know anyone who works for her company. Her company logo was right on the email.

Okay, I can hire a PI.

If this is not innocent, I don't want to reconcile. I think you all understand why and see that I have indeed been patient.

I also don't want to jump to conclusions. I think given the fact that we are BS, we sometimes see things when there isn't anything. While he has been open with his cell phone and email account, that doesn't mean he doesn't have another email account and this girl got careless. He did not reply to the message by email, I assume he replied by his office phone, which is off-limits to me and gives him free reign all day long.

What I'm looking for is advice and opinions. What do YOU think? Does this seem like it could be innocent, or am I kidding myself?

I guess I need to hear from others how they would interpret this email...along with the fact that he denies knowing anyone who worked at XYZ company. If she is just a business associate, why would he lie about that? Why wouldn't he just say "Well I did meet so and so at a conference so I can contact her for information.."

It smells fishy to me...and to think, he literally almost had a nervous breakdown when he thought I was going to leave. I guess he has a short memory.

I assume you didn't see my reply - one minute before your last.

I agree. Slim evidence, but all you need given his past behavior.

If you wanna make him squirm, suggest you two go to that restaurant for dinner. Then work up to the confrontation. Slow and calm.

WAT

Worth,
Funny you should say that, I did suggest that the kids and I meet him in the city for lunch on Tuesday....he said sure, but that I would need to let him know by today as he had to free up the time on his calendar.

Hmmmmmm....

With his track record, I'd be worried, too.

Have any of these 'recoveries' included Marriage Councling or therapy for him?

Can you tell him you'll be in the city that day, and ask to meet him for lunch? - Dru

great minds...

Keep your RADAR up. If you are really worried, call the PI. It'd be worth your peace of mind...

No - I suggest you ask him this evening if he's ever heard of that restaurant? Based on the answer, you know your course.

Do you wanna nip this in the bud or not?

Or do you want to gather evidence for a favorable divorce proceeding?

Is it really three strikes and he's out?

WAT

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Thanks everyone.

Thing is, if I do meet him for lunch, that will just allow him to postpone any plans he may have had. What I need to do is give him leeway to make those plans, should he want to, and find a way to catch him in the act so to speak.....I suppose I could call the H and give him the heads up, he works in the city.

If I got the right phone number, I also have her H's business address, I googled his name, he has a business, so I could speak to him without her knowing.....

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: 3strikesout ]</small>

Worth,

Those are tough questions. What I want is for none of this to have ever happened. I love my H, but enough is enough. If he's lying again, I can't be married to him.

I think your advice is good. I'll ask him. And I think I'll ask him again if he knows anyone who works at her company. If I don't get the truth, I suppose I'll have my answer...

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: 3strikesout ]</small>

sorry...

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: 3strikesout ]</small>

oops

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: 3strikesout ]</small>

As someone who has been married to a serial adulterer for 25 years (divorce any day now... whenever the lazy judge finds time to sign his name...) IMO he's definitely up to no good.

A PI once told me that in his opinion I shouldn't waste my money hiring him unless I wanted the evidence for divorce AND that most of the time he investigated a pouse because of suspicion of adultery, there was an affair discovered.

I'm not sure what your next step should be.
I know I would choose to contact the OW's husband. Just not sure if my instinct would be the best the best advice. I've had no success at saving my marriage after all.

You already know he's lying.

And I totally agree that the e-mail sounded more friendly than professional.

Why did he have the past affairs?
What has he done since to take responsibility to ensure he wouldn't stray again?