Getting to know the people
I am a 36yr old female who at present is a stay at home mom of one 5yr old. I have had many ups and downs as I am sure all people have. I will try to explain a little about this situation and myself. Excuse me if I get too detailed. I am still growing up and learning about life everyday. I guess you could say I am also still trying to find out what God's purpose is for me to do in life via work related, etc... I am a registered nurse who is currently on long term disability for health problems related to a car accident. In the last 8 years, I have worked on and off in a small beach town where locals are preferred. I have been diagnosed with degenerative disk disease, arthritis, and Fibromyalgia. (I am sure there are some others) I take medications, exercise and try to be just like everyone else. I don't look sick, just my MRI's, and X-rays. I have always brought in a paycheck whether it was through employment, worker's compensation (on job with head on collision), or paid disability insurance. I have always been a go-getter and a fighter. I was always up beat and tried to be positive. I have been in a failed marriage when I was 18 and divorced when I was 24. I have been in therapy off and on to deal with life events related to being adopted, rape, emotional controlling men, and learning to love and like me.
Probably in the last 4 years, I have been on the down side due to a number of reasons. One being my career and my place in the work force. Two being a victim of a bad Dr. who caused me to become sterile after leaving placenta in me for over a month with several trips to the ED for bleeding (which I have come to accept and realize the greatest gift is my healthy little boy) I just don't want to see someone else suffer because of this MD who seems to have a history of hysterectomy's after delivery. Basically, in the last few years I have had extensive exploratory surgeries to find out that my uterus was scarred shut due to placenta fragments and needed a hysterectomy to prevent a tubule pregnancy. I tell this because this is where my husband feels things started to go bad between us. Last year I had a plate put in my C3 disk and carpel tunnel surgery. I went back to work, in one of the most stressful: physically and emotional nursing jobs. In mid May, I realized things at home were out of control and it was affecting me at work and as a mother/wife. Needless to say, due to a work shortage, time off was not negotiable. I even sought counseling and the Dr. felt in was imperative I stopped working for a while. I was more afraid of someone getting hurt in my line of work because I knew my mind was not 100%. As a nurse, I pride myself to give all. It was the first time in my life, I didn't even feel like I was completely capable of taking care of my son due to the below.
My husband is and was my best friend in high school. The great guy for some reason at that age you want the one who treats you terrible. He was at my first wedding. We started seeing each other on his birthday (not planned. haven’t seen each other in 2 years and he stopped by 4 days before. He lived in another town 40 miles away.) For some reason I called him and his date cancelled and we went out. From there it was bliss. We were past the stars, etc. of newlyweds, but we always put each other first. (Friendship, lovers, disagree to disagree, RESPECT) My husband would sometimes turn the channel if a TV show involved adultery He had an ex girlfriend who cheated on him more than once It was against his nature and morals. Even when I would say, "Well, it is not right, but I can understand why they did it†While watching TV.
About our 4th year into marriage, he was working hard trying to make a side business work while working a full time job. It was then things started to change. His focus, his frustrations, etc... I blame myself at this point because it was then I should have said we need to talk to someone. We are and were the type of people who need each others affection and attention to feel good about ourselves and what the world throws. I felt left out. Through the years, I cried, argued, withdrew, etc..I always loved him and new somewhere we were both lost but could be found. This is a man that snuck into my room the night before we got married and filled the bed full of daffodils (about 75). Good thing I wasn't allergic. I have note after note, card after card, memories, etc. (on both of our parts). In a box and in my mind, heart, and soul. It's not the flowers or the money spent, but the love and sensitivity that came with everything from both of us. Up above I wrote about my medical problems and having a son. When things changed between us, I made a huge mistake! I put all my energy and attention into our child. I withdrew from him because we were talking at each other and not to each other. I let our child sleep in the bed with us. I spent all my time with him. I guess for me, it was unconditional love and one thing I felt I was good at. Being a mother. I never realized the alienation I was causing. My husband, I guess was a distant roommate. Now, he did choose to go hunting, fishing, etc... And didn't make it easy to love him. I never realized he was basing some of his self worth and our love on sex and I was basing our relationship on emotional needs; especially when it came to wanting sex. (Part of His Needs and Her Needs)
The Beginning of a Mistake
This past summer, everything came to a halt. I knew he was different. He showed more resentment, anger, etc... At one point he came home from a conference with a list of things that needed to be changed. Everything on the list was correct. Starting with our child on a schedule and in his own bed. Once my pride was out of the way, I began to realize these things.
About 3 weeks went by with all these new changes, but he still was moody and angry.
It was Memorial Day weekend when I told him, I don't know what is going on with you, but you have been or are talking to someone if not having an affair. Arguing commenced and then he said well, what if I have.
The story was as follows: I have known this girl for the last two years that I have worked with on and off. We have talked on occasion about both of our marital problems. He eventually told me her name and where she lived and her phone number. He denied they ever had sex. He said that the relationship started to develop those types of feelings and he stopped it or they both did before it lead to that.
I cried all day long for days. I cried at work. I could not think about anything else. That is when I went to the counselor and the trouble started at work. I had him leave the house and then wanted him to come back the next night. A week later, I sent my son to his grandmother's and we planned a getaway to Myrtle Beach to what he called "Rekindle of marriage". Things still never seemed right. He was still moody, sad, cried to see me cry, angry, etc... He said,†How can you be like a light switch" I told him I never realized how much I loved him or what I was doing to our lives with my attention to our son until I realized We might not be together." At times he would be sensitive and romantic and then he would be distant and angry. It was like this all summer. We went to counseling a couple of times. He didn't feel like it helped. I wrote him many letters about my feelings, just like this one. I tried everything to get him to talk, realize things, etc... Sometimes he would say he was in love with me, but his actions never CONSISTENTLY backed it up.
All summer it was like this. One time, I saw her number on his cell phone and he tried to deny the call...like I was crazy. Then he admitted talking to her but it was work related. He said he was afraid I would take it the wrong way. I went through a long story about trust and lying. A lie is a lie. I asked him 3 o 4 different times, was he not telling me something. He always said no.
My summer had been hell on my emotions and my own self worth. I felt and sometimes do feel like a failure. I plan to go back to graduate school and get my FNP license to help secure a position for my health and my family. We live at the beach where you can't be picky and choosy with jobs, especially a retirement community. I could not concentrate on anything. Everything seemed like it was falling apart. My previous medical bills still coming in. I felt like I was a burden and not holding up my end. I also felt like my husband resented marrying me. At one point he said what kind of man am I to say I am afraid what it will be like to live with you in 30 years.
Before Christmas, I told my friend if things didn't get better, I was going to ask him to leave so he could see what life would be without me, so he could make up his mind or whatever was going on. I talked with him about this. I think he figured this was like other talks, where life keeps moving, it gets brushed under the rug for a while.
After Christmas, I looked at him one night and said, “I am going to ask you this one more time and one only. Is there or was there someone? I might could understand or make sense of the way you act. Which by the way, there were times he would say he was acting terrible and then the next day he would deny it and turn it around? That happened a lot.
The Big Mistake
He looked me straight in my eyes and said no.
About a week later, we were not having an argument, I just looked at him and said I was serious, I didn't want him to go, but he needed to. I couldn't take this anymore. There were times this summer I felt like killing myself. I had a plan. For some reason, I still haven't thrown those pills away. My therapist does know this.
Two days later, he came home and I said I am serious; you are going to have to leave. He started crying. Then he said, “I have been trying to tell you this from day one, I am ashamed, full of guilt and remorse. I did have an affair." I just looked at him. In my heart I knew it all along. I have known this man for 22 years. He said I know him better than he knows himself. He said that he never wanted to leave, he loved me and it did not make sense to be mean to me, but in a way he wanted me to punish him and kick him out.
He told me the details (as much at the time that I wanted to know). Before he told me the first time it happened, I stopped him and said I know when it was. You were wearing kaki pants with the white/brown shirt and you came home and sat on the bed and just stared at the wall. My son was next door and I tried to make love to him and he kept pushing me away and said, “I am embarrassed, I just masturbated†I knew something was wrong. This was right before Easter. He said she came down here on business and surprised him for lunch. They ended up in her hotel room.
When Easter came, he wanted to go to church as a family. My husband believes in God, but never went to church with me much. I had even stopped going. I know now it was church that enabled me to stay and get through the last 5 years.
Then he went to a conference in Wilmington for 3 days where she went also. The entire time they were together having unprotected sex day in and out. By the end of the conference, he said he told her he could not do this anymore. She at the time told him she would continue it. This was the week before Memorial Day. The day we were going to go to Myrtle Beach, he went met her in Wilmington to tell her he was confused and had feelings for her, but wanted to work on our marriage. The rest is out of order written above.
All along I had talked to this woman. She lied just like he did. After the truth came out, I called her and asked her when she was going to come clean. The weird thing is we still talk.
The Aftermath
In my heart, I have forgiven both of them. I am not sure why. It almost scares me. I understand what and how it happened. I don't by any means agree with it. It hurts! The worst part is the whole summer I suffered and everything was a lie. Every moment that was supposed to be special wasn't. I don't know what it was. If he is the man at heart I know, then he has tortured himself with guilt. I had many times working in the hospital where men said sweet things to me. And yes, it felt good and made me feel alive and wanted. I never had an affair.
We have gone to counseling, started going to church. My son is on a strict schedule, so we can have our time. Now that his daddy shows me love, it seems my son shows him love. My son is always saying he is taking care of me and before would sometimes ask why daddy made me cry. I never once pitted him against his father.
There are times I wonder if he is staying because of my son and guilt. There are times I wonder if he is still confused. I wonder if he has forgiven himself. Can he allow himself to love like he is capable of? There are times I am glad this happened to help us learn to talk again. There are also times I wonder if this new attention and change is just temporary. I don't know what is what some days. I have never felt so vulnerable or insecure in my life. He feels like he has to be careful of what he says so he doesn't hurt me. Sometimes this house is like walking on egg shells.
Where do I go Now
We went to Ocracoke for a Valentines Get away at our first Bed & Breakfast Inn Stay. It was wonderful. But then I will cry. The other day I was looking at the calendar, I saw April (the first affair) before Easter and then Memorial Day (The second, third) etc... When I see a Hilton, I cried. Everything is like an Anniversary reaction. It is like I have experienced a death.
I get scared that my crying will make him feel like if you have forgiven me then why can't you move on. I am trying so hard. Some days it is easy and other days I am so depressed and afraid. Last night while making love, I pictured them together. Why........
I know I love this man, and I want to believe he loves me more than ever.
I made him get an STD test. The other woman, Shannon has cried on the phone to me sorry for the pain and the stupid mistake. She said her husband has not touched her in two years. We talked about her marriage and life. She even said some of her gay friends thought he was gay. That is just dandy when I think about the unprotected sex. My husband has done about everything I have asked. The other night I wanted to know some details. He got frustrated and said I know all that I need to know. Nothing good would come out of knowing details. It made him sick to talk about it. He made a mistake and does not even know who he was.
I am lost, scared, happy, sad, etc... What am I suppose to do. The pain hurts more than any tragedy I have ever had. Please excuse the book I wrote and someone please help.
Thank you,
Jenny B.
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