Well I found out last night that my little 10yo DD went home (which would be her dad's right now) Monday sporting a progress report of one F and three D's. That's right.

I found out by accident when I called her about the times of her cheerleading this weekend. I was told that her Dad made her quit cheerleading because of her progress report. The one area that she excells and is confident in. And her only school activity since she quit basketball in the fall.

Yep Einstien thought this was appropriate punishment I guess. He could have taken away the phone privs, the TV privs and the 'puter privs but instead decided to pull her off the team before the championship games. Yep that'll teach her. Now she can sit home everynight and weekend, gaining even more weight from inactivity.

How blind...how short-sighted of him.


No input, no discussion, not even any knowledge from her mother about this.

I called him this morning to ask him to reconsider about the games this weekend, and if we could discuss this. I was told it was absolutely none of my business, that he would make these decisions while she was in his care.

I had told her when she joined cheerleading that she would not be allowed to quit, or let her team-mates down like she had in the past with basketball.


So needless to say I spent the day meeting with her teacher, with Friend of the Court, and with my atty.

Yep, looks like their won't be any canoe or paddle boat or vacation for DD and me this year as I will be engaged in a custody battle.

I think he should get ******* of the year award.

I'm so mad I still can barely function.

Let this be a lesson to all of you who think you will get fairness and good co-parenting from you WS if you agree to 50/50. Think twice about agreeing to this kind of arrangement. It has been nothing but a nightmare for me.

Well it feels better now to put this in writing on MB. Strange how that works around here. Thank you for that.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

{{Weaver}}

Oh Boy Weaver,

I can't believe he can do this without any input from you.

She probably needs more "hands-on" help than PUNISHMENT!!!

They mature at such different ages...my 2nd son doesn't work nearly as independently as my older son. And with my help he's actually doing well.

I've always felt the same way about committments for my boys. They aren't allowed to quit either. But they can sure lose priviledges!!!! They LOVE their electronics too!

Is your EXH always this unreasonable???

Another thing....there should have been some sort of communication from the school that her grades were this bad, BEFORE report cards came out.

Is her teacher going to recommend an "Independent Education Plan (IEP)?

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

Stupidity is like water - it always finds its own level.

Your XH stupidity wil always find its way into your DDs life I'm afraid. As long as some love does too I guess....

Sorry darl'

{{{{weaver & DD }}}}

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: b0b pure* ]</small>

Don't people have to take parenting classes in your state? Maybe you get could into a joint one. Unilateral decisions like that from a guy who, if he's anything like my WH, never did much parenting before can be so inane.

First of all, I don't believe grades are really appropriate for young children. Progress reports, rubric assessments, yes. I'm sure DD's teacher has some idea of the family situation. The teacher should have been waving that red flag. Why weren't you called in for a conference? Why have they let her fall through the cracks?

Second, I think it's sad that DD is caught in this power struggle. Her parents are co-parents! She doesn't become a different person when she leaves one house and goes to the other. In her best interests, XH needs to communicate what's going on. She is a whole child. She is both your child all the time no matter what her physical location.

Good luck! Taking away any kind of sport is a BAD idea. Kids need to run and get their ya yas out.

(((((((((((((Weaver)))))))))))))) OMG what an @sshole! For ONE bad report??? She shouldn't have been allowed possibly a chance to bring her grades up before yanking her off the team? He's a friggen idiot.

My DD13 is failing every subject of consequence this year....2 fricken 6 weeks in a row, but I didn't pull her out of band.....I cut off phone priveledges, computer priveledges, she can't spend the night with her friends, and still hasn't been able to use her cell phone that I bought her for Xmas still....not until her grades come up.....still no progress, but now...I have the answer....mwah ha ha....the youth group at church is taking a trip to Gatlinburg for spring break, and if those grades don't come up......guess who's not going? She's working her tail off now...LOL.

I think a lot of it has to do with the separation, even though my WH is her step father, we've been together since she was 8 months old, and she calls him Dad....even though she actually visits her real Dad every other weekend...calls him Dad too (Her choice...not mine, I mean to call WH Dad...her real Dad wasn't in her life until she was 2yrs old....his choice).

I'm really sorry Weaver, that's a messed up thing to do to her.

-Caren

Although I agree that your DD's father should not have made a this particular parenting decision without discussing it with you first, I happen to think he did the right thing.

I am suprised that the school did not suspend her or expel her from the cheerleading squad before he did. Most schools require the child to maintain a certain grade level in order to stay on "the team."


I have an 11yr old and she has a clear understanding that should her progress reports slip below an acceptable level that she will be removed any activity that her (mother and I) feel is impeding her progress in school.

Her (my DD) education is more important than an extra curricular activity.

I don't see removing her from the team as a punishment either. It's a consequence.

It's difficult to co-parent. It's more difficult if one or both of you are making unilateral decisions...regardless of the parenting time split.

Concentrate on your DD and find out why her PR's are slipping. If she has a learning disability, nip it. If she's being lazy, nip it. If she needs help and direction from her parents (she is 10 afterall) nip it.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

ba109, I disagree with your point of view. Weaver implied that her child might be overweight and that the exercise was much needed. That is a huge issue amongst a sedentary generation. And whatever decisions are made for their daughter's education, surely 50/50 implies a shared imput. He was out of line Weaver and I'd be f'ing furious. TT

Weaver,

I think your H is right.

This is not about punishment. It is about focus. Until your daughter is able to put in enough study time to make reasonable grades in her academic courses, she doesn't have time for jumping around and waving pom-poms.

Is your DD going to make a living as a cheerleader? School is about preparing for life. I suppose there are some jobs that a girl might get based upon outstanding cheerleading, but that would not be the future that I would want for my daughter.

I think your H was 95% right in this. The other 5% would be consulting with you, but what's to consult about?

I know that's not what you want to hear.

I feel sorry for your daughter that her parents can't get together on this.

-AD

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

My exhusband and i have joint legal and physical custody of our sons. Luckily we have been able to put their best interest ahead of our crap in most situations. (It's when the "stp-parents" came on board that things didn't work so well!) Anyhow, we mediated our divorce. Our contract says that if we cannot reach a mutually agreeable solution to a decision/situation we must consult a third party such as a counselor, mediator, etc. The costs to be divided between us. It's not a great solution for some, but it's amazing what you can work out and agree upon, when there is the threat and costs of an outside party. Is there a school psychologist, counselor, social worker, who might be of assistance in looking at appropriate consequences? Maybe not on this issues but on future issues.

Also, I contacted my sons' schools and asked that I always receive a copy of my sons' report cards when they were issued.

He may have been out of line but it doesn't seem to merit a long, ugly, expensive custody battle, which will likely be in vain.

Courts generally do not change custody unless there is a showing of significant change in circumstance (job relocation, etc) and best interests of the child.

What you appear to have is a dispute over how best to deal with a child having difficulty in school and lack of communication by your ex.

Depending on the nature of the parenting plan and the laws in your state, you'll probably end up in mediation/arbitration.

Good luck.

Okay, I have to chime in again. My youngest kid, DD is 11. I think 10 is actually a little young to be worrying about grades. This is a stressful time for Weaver's DD. The kid has been going through a lot of upheaval in her life. So many parents overreact. Support the kid. Understand the kid. Get her help if she needs it. She doesn't need to be told she's stupid. She's just in a bad place...mental? physically? schoolwise? She's in, what?, fourth grade? She's not stuck with bad grades for life. She's not on the path to being a street sweeper. Geeze. Cut the kid a little slack. Her live is in upheaval. Love her and support her. Kids change and grow. My 11 year old is distracted and unfocused. I put a lot of that down to our family situation. Her teacher understands and helps her out. DD has a big safety net. We've never not had a nuclear family situation before but I think she'll be okay.

I have sons that did very, um, indifferently in their early years. The principal of their school really disliked them. I got the general impression, that some teachers felt that they were stupid and wouldn't do well in life. Boys who couldn't control their impulses. Didn't want to study. Didn't fit the mold. Many, many pink slips. I was worried but watched and helped them.

Well, a few years down the line, those teachers can eat their words. DS #1 is in a prestigious engineering university and doing very, very well. DS #2 is an excellent athlete, had a 4.0 last semester and is in the National Honor Society. Both have a lot of inner direction and often think outside the box. The boys make good decisions and have good friends. They just needed a little time to find themselves.

And BTW, I have been told by several high school teachers that studies show that kids who are involved in sports and other extracurricular activities actually do better in school than kids who don't. They learn to budget their time and they get the nasty energy out of their system. Waving pom poms may not be a lifeskill but if that is something a kid likes, she should do it. Is XH going to be monitoring her every second to make sure she's hitting the books? Remember the saying "all work and no play make Jack a dull boy"? It still holds true. Kids with a life balanced with academics and activity do better.

Thank you everyone for responding.

Just to clarify, this was a progress report, not a report card. They give progress reports every few weeks to let the parents and children know how they are doing before report cards come out.

I gave her dad joint physical custody without a fight when she was eight. I had sole physical custody before that. We split up shortly after she was born.

He recently married a girl who wants me out of my DD's life. I don't fit into her family portrait. She has no children, she wants mine. I did not see this coming as I really liked her before they married.

My daughter needs this school activity and he did not call me to tell me of the progress report, nor have her call me.

And her teacher told me that the grades were from missed assignments. He is not monitoring her homework like he needs to.

Anyway, I requested a mediation with Friend of the Court and hopefully this will help him to understand that a condition of the joint custody agreement is that communication between us regarding her would be exemplary, and any decisions would be made jointly.

I just don't believe coming down this hard on her for one bad progress report was necessary. And I know it is destructive.

When I get her back in two weeks for four months I can do the exact opposite of him, and tell him it is none of his business. And we can go on like this without a united front, making independent decisions. I can stick her right back in cheerleading, and then he can pull her out and so on and so forth.

My once happy little girl is in trouble and I am pretty much helpless to help her, until I get her back.

It's just such a maddening, helpless feeling. I know there are other parents going through the same thing. I honestly believe it has everything to do with his new wife. I really didn't realize the influence she would have on him or I would have fought this joint custody tooth and nail.

Thank you again everyone, it helps to get others viewpoints and to calm down a bit.

Well, 50/50 may be the pits...

..but it sure beats the heck out of the alternative.

My ex and I do not share custody.

As a result, she can make all kinds of insane decisions and tell me "it's none of my business".

And I have no recourse.

At least you can do something about it. Hopefully, for everyone's sake, you can find a workable solution to this mess.

I agree with you though, for what it's worth. This is the kind of decision that you and he should be tackling together.

Good luck.

J

Weaver, I'm interested how 50/50 works for you? Does she live half the week with you and half there? Or is she there Mon-Fri and weekends with you? I assume you live close together. I'm so sorry for your anguish. She's just a little girl. I'm sure she just needs a bit of help with her homework but kids need some fun too. I hope this doesn't pull you down because you potentially have a very serious, difficult time coming now. I hope you can resolve things without too much pain. TT

TT,

She spends four months with him then four months with me. I have her every other weekend when she is at his house for the four months.

We tried every other week at first, but she was ending up sick every Monday after the Sunday night switch. I took her to a child IC who recommended four months at each house. With four months we end up with dif months every year as opposed to six months where I would always have her for the same months each year.

I saw the atty and have an appt with him again in three weeks in case Mediation doesn't seem to make an impression on her Dad. I'm keeping it in my back pocket if I need it. My DD would be devestated if she thought I was taking her away from her dad. She love him as much as she loves me. She is not able to make a good decision because she would fear hurting someone. And I am afraid the judge would ask her to choose who she wants to live with. That is one reason I didn't fight him on this before.

I was told that the Mediation route with Friend of the Court works 9 times out of 10 to resolve issues like this. I am hoping it does.

Dewt those like you who have only visitation, when the other parent is not a good parent or co-parent, would be like hell. I can't even imagine. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

weave - what does your divorce order or whatever is controlling in your case say about decisions that affect your child?

I also have 50/50 custody and it DOES suck, but like dewt aptly pointed out - it's better than less than 50/50. It's the Dads who usually get the short end of the stick.

My XW is sorta like your daughter's step-mom > she wants me out of my son's life. I'm a constant reminder of what used to be the REAL family, and I don't fit into her new, "improved" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> family consisting of liars, infidels, and hypocrits. WAIT A MINUTE!!! She's RIGHT!!! I DON'T fit!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Any way, if his actions are not per the divorce agreement, i.e., joint custody means joint decisions on matters affecting education, health, etc., mediation ought to be based on how you two are going to accomplish the required joint decisions - NOT on having joint decisions -- that part is already a done deal. See the difference?

WAT

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Yes, I see the difference.

However he thinks that now he doesn't have to communicate with or make decisions with me. He is on a power struggle.

The mediation will open his eyes and clarify this I am hoping.

And yes he is in direct violation with the custody agreement. If I have to get the atty's involved I will.

Once an idiot, always an idiot! Why didn't I see this coming. They are of the same mindset as your ex. Me out of the picture so they can pretend they are what they are not.

What they are is unrepentent, unenlightened, shortsighted, retarded and just plain stupid!

This is not the same woman he was having the affair with when I was pregnant but she might as well be, I am growing to detest her that much.

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

In the mediation, I strongly recommend you stick to the fundamental requirement - joint decisions are required. This is non-negotiable, not subject to mediation. The mediator ought to understand this. Do not let go or budge from this "floor."

Judge: Were you, or were you not exceeding the speed limit?

Speeder: but......

Judge: I asked, were you, or were you not exceeding the speed limit? I didn't ask why or how or anything else. It's your responsibility to follow the rules. Now, were you, or were you not exceeding the speed limit?

Speeder: Yes, I was.

Judge: Here's your fine, don't do it again. Next time I may not be so easy on you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
WAT