I've been in Plan A for 2 months. My WH said last night he was going to a work event and he made a big fuss about going. The OW and him work together. Early this morning when he finally got home, I asked him how it went and he said OK. But when I asked him who was there, he got mad and just wanted to go to sleep. Now I found the receipts that say he went to dinner and drinks with the OW. Should I confront him knowing that I'm in Plan A?

Have you done exposure and all that yet???? I mean did you expose @ work and everything? I'm sorry I don't remember the details of your story.

-Caren

I have exposed to OW parents.

I've calmed down a bit. I just have to try to stick to my Plan A.

Sh*t girl......he works with her.....blow the lid off this A by telling EVERYONE, especially his boss or whatever at work.....put the pressure on.

-Caren

Caren, sometimes that can make matters worse. I know, I am living it. The whole office knows and rumors are being blown out of porportion. It makes me feel like I can not ever face these people again. On top of that, my husband got a 2 week suspension which has now lingers into a month and a half. He does do some work out of the house for the company, but as of yet is not invited back to his office.

I'm just saying exposing the A to everyone could backfire, that is if there is any hope for a recovery. THere could be big time resentment that could be awful hard to get over. just my opinion

dear hurt----plan a does not mean you have to swallow whatever he dishes out. you should be honest with him, but do it in a respectful way---no lb's or dj's. be honest and to the point.

have you read the threads on exposure---WAT has a great one. do a search on exposure and read it. tell him you know he lied and walk away---no arguements or nothing...just let him know and walk away.

Exposure is necessary, and if it's happening at work, then it needs to be exposed at work. They shouldn't do the crime if they can't do the time.

As for resentment...OH yeah...they get mad as hell at you, but......they're the ones that put themselves in this position.

When I exposed my WH's A....I called EVERYONE I could think of, he only work's with 2 other people, the owner and another guy who's the manager, and they KNEW already....isn't that special?!?!?! But the people at the chinese restaurant next door that has daily contact with WH and OW didn't know, and the optical place on the other side that has daily contact with WH and OW didn't know, neither did his son's aunt who has custody of his oldest son, neither did his best friend and his wife, neither did the corporate office of where OW works....wrote them a nice letter. I also talked to his Mother, who already knew, hadn't met her, but already knew. My WH was FURIOUS!!!!!!! But it didn't last very long.

-Caren

P.S.-It's supposed to be embarrassing and uncomfortable for the WS...that's the point. And Drained, why would you feel you couldn't face them....you didn't do anything wrong.

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 07:47 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

here's a post---

The concept of concentric circles of exposure is interesting:

Concentric circles of exposure

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> Caren, sometimes that can make matters worse. I know, I am living it. The whole office knows and rumors are being blown out of porportion. It makes me feel like I can not ever face these people again. On top of that, my husband got a 2 week suspension which has now lingers into a month and a half. He does do some work out of the house for the company, but as of yet is not invited back to his office.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">drained - why is this bad? Sounds like exposure accomplished exactly what was intended - blow the secrecy and make the affair uncomfortable. Why is this a bad reflection on you? Any "backfire" is rooted in the fact that an affair existed in the first place - not because you exposed it!

Indy - yes, confront him about his lies - calmly. Just say that you know he lied to you again about the work event and you feel disrespected and hurt. Then stop. This is entirely within Plan A and is a big part of Plan A - communicating your hurt and feelings of disrespect - as long as you can do it without rantiing and raving and love busting.

WAT

I guess I feel like I couldn't face these people because the group that he was head of still think the world of him and probably think the A was a result of something I did or didn't do. Something I did to force him in that position. I guess I really must feel that way, eh?

As it is, only a few close friends and relatives (aside from the whole office) knows about this. three couples to be exact. It is so embarrassing.

Geeze the more I talk about this the more I know I need help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> I guess I feel like I couldn't face these people because the group that he was head of still think the world of him and probably think the A was a result of something I did or didn't do. Something I did to force him in that position.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They may indeed.

Do you think this?

I bet the "quality" people in this group actually have the more rational view that your H looks like a fool for boinking a girl young enough to be his daughter - or to be dating his son in a few years.

Don't be concerned with what they think either way.

But yes, seek counseling for yourself if you cannot quickly get over this hump.

WAT

If I could go back in time, yes, I would do a lot of things differently. Mostly just paying attention to him more. It was all about the kids I guess. THough that too is a two way street.

Sorry, Hurtwife,
didn't mean to take your post away

hurt, Plan A does not stand for Plan Appeasement. You should confront him. [do it without lovebusters] And on Monday call his boss and any other key person you can think of to expose to. That IS Plan A. Plan A is a program designed to end the affair. Sitting there silently is not going to end the affair. If you want to save your marriage, you must get to work and develop a plan of attack.

Indy won't mind, I bet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> If I could go back in time, yes, I would do a lot of things differently. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please listen closely.

There isn't a married or divorced person alive who could say they shouldn't have done some things differently looking back over their marriage. None. This includes you.

BUT - and this is a HUGE but - you didn't MAKE your husband have an affair. No one made him do it. It was ENTIRELY his choice - his decision - his selection. YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!!

Understand?

Don't let ANYONE - and most importantly, yourself - convince you otherwise.

This is fundamental to the concepts here and is not rebuttable under any circumstances.

Please wash your hands of any guilt for his decisions.

WAT

He gets all night work events....???

plan A is ALL about expecting that there is contact between the OP and the WS..

Plan A is NOT about ignoring that contact but verbalizing how painful that contact is with good control....

plan A for 2 months is good....

when is your date for plan B....

plan a followed by plan b good
great plan A followed by great plan B...awesome

ark

I think it's time for plan B if he's still in contact with OW.
I just get so sick and tired of the WS thinking they can do whatever they want and hurt the people that love them. UGGHHHH...I guess that's why I'm getting divorced and moving on. I give all of you who are sticking it out lots of credit!!!

I think I liked exposure more than I should have....LOL, I've never been the shy type, and I wasn't remotely embarrassed, because....*I* was the one who had been wronged.....not my fault....so therefore, I wasn't embarrassed.

I don't embarrass easily...I did the exposure on the phone...it would have been more fun to do it in person LMAO!!!

Okay....I'm twisted.

-Caren

I JUST LOVE THAT GIRL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yeah. I think I've been doing a good Plan A - showing him all my best qualities, looking my best, considering his feelings above my own, doing the things wives should do. However, at least once a week (usually on Sundays) we have a discussion where he usually says he's broke and I respond that he's not broke when he's always taking the OW out for dinner and lunch. I don't rant and rave but I probably go on (talking calmly) for about 5 min about how hurtful the contact is. ***Isn't this a LB?*** I think I will take nikko's advice. Just tell him I know and walk away.

I was supposed to be ending Plan A in about one month but things like that are making me think that I should extend it. Plus he keeps saying that he wants to be single and that he just can't get over how consistent my selfish behavior was before the A. He says that he won't come running after me if I leave. ***Is that his way of manipulating me to stay?*** Then he's always saying he doesn't know why I stay when the things he does causes so much pain. I tell him b/c I think he has the potential to be a great H and father (to our unborn children). :-) Not sure if he believes this or is probably too foggy to understand.

That makes me just a little scared (but not too much) to do Plan B. I've been telling him that I want him to be happy whether that means us being together or apart.

Also he says he doesn't see a future with the OW. I can probably see that - this OW has a lot of qualities which before the A he always rebuked (He always used to say he could never be with a woman who had a child by another man and especially a young child - well she does and her D is 3ish. He doesn't like smokers and she smokes "socially". He likes his women to be very ladylike - Well before I found out about the A, me, WH and OW were out together and she got so drunk she was took off her pants in the restroom, pee'd on herself and pulled her top down and exposed herself to the band.) Someone needs to tell her she's wasting her time. I think he just enjoying the double attention.

I've exposed to OW parents but I'm thinking of calling them again and letting them know we're not getting a divorce and the A is still going on. OW was really mad and teary eyed to my WS first time I called OW parents. Guess she didn't like how she appeared to her parents. Bet she told them my WS was getting a divorce. Thinking of calling them on Thursday or Friday so I can get some more quiet times with my WS b4 he threatens D again.

Then there's the "party" he went to on Friday. It was with his co-workers. ***I've already exposed to some but should I call the person who threw the party and say something like "How did the party on Friday go?" "How long was my H there?"*** This is someone he's competitive with and doesn't really like so I don't think this would be a good move.

OW and WS work together. I have the numbers to both of their bosses. ***Should I call them?*** I don't know what good this would do except embarrass both of them at work?

I worried about all these moves because I've been in Plan A for 2 months and thinking about ending it in about another month. Worried that these actions might push him over the edge and cause him to just move out and that would be the last thing he thinks of me. Last time I exposed was over 2 months ago.

I worried about all these moves because I've been in Plan A for 2 months and thinking about ending it in about another month. Worried that these actions might push him over the edge and cause him to just move out and that would be the last thing he thinks of me.

Oh lordy...do I hate to hear this line...
Worried that the BS actions might be the cause of a WS reaction..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
ugh ugh ugh ugh...

I hate that ...
HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the only place he needs pushed in right in to reality world....

right in to the world with the mother of three year old that pisses on herself....
have at it dear WS....

I was supposed to be ending Plan A in about one month but things like that are making me think that I should extend it.

wht exactly is making you think you should extend plan A.....hmmmmmmm....

Plus he keeps saying that he wants to be single and that he just can't get over how consistent my selfish behavior was before the A. He says that he won't come running after me if I leave. ***Is that his way of manipulating me to stay?***

blah blah blah blah ...
all of that is a bunch of whoooey....

he wants to be single...?
then why isn't he??? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

blah blah blah....

tell him point blank that his going out on dates with his girlfriend hurts you and brings great disrespect to you and all the the others his actions deceive...

tell him...
tell him...

don't condone with silence
don't enable

we have a discussion where he usually says he's broke and I respond that he's not broke when he's always taking the OW out for dinner and lunch.

babble back how are you going to pay for your divorce if you can't save your pennies.....oh dear..

speaking your pain is NOT an LB
speaking your hurt is NOT an LB...

get your plan B letter ready to roll now so that you will be ready ..

also what about YOU and HE going out for a date..
would he go somewhere fun with you...
where you can charm him...

ARK