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#1278507 02/19/05 07:12 AM
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Well, it's been over a month and a half since the truth came out. My husband still sees the 21 yr old, but says that there isn't any sex going on. I told him I didn't care if he was only having coffee with her, he needed to end it with her if there was any hope for us.

He says he still doesn't know what he wants to do. His mind is so f***ed up, (his words). I told him nicely that he needs professional help. (So do I for that matter) He says he doesn't know if he does or not.

He also says that he wants to go away for a few days without anyone around to think about what he wants to do. But that would leave me and the kids w/o a vehicle. We are still looking for a second car.

We have been more than civil since Super Bowl weekend and really have been getting along good. But I told him that I can not go any further than this until he doesn't see her anymore. I also told him that if he can't do that, he can't stay at home and he may as well go live with her. You can tell, he loves me, but is in love with her. (it seems)

We had a big crying discussion Wed. concerning all this, and the only thing he could ask me is to give him a couple days to think about this and a sincere 'thanks for the reality check. I know I haven't been focusing on this'.

He does have alot on his plate right now, trying to find a new job, (which will be an income cut) finding me a car so I can go back to work, and working out of the house and dealing with our brother-in-law/boss who is a jerk.

My qustion is how long do I wait to ask him about his decision? I know it will be me again to initiate the conversation.

TIA

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Hon.....going away for a few days to think about it means in WS language....I need a few days to go and boink this 21 years old unimpeded by you.

-Caren

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I know. I so want to believe him though.

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Drained-

I KNOW you want to believe him, and I KNOW he sounds sincere......but he's not going anywhere to *think* about things.....hello, you can think about things ANYWHERE...you don't have to go away for a few days to *think* about it.

Just remember, this isn't your husband, it's your WH, you can't believe what he's telling you right now.

You can't stop him from going and doing this....and I don't think I'd argue about it if you're in Plan A.

Tell him "You're right, I need to think about things for a few days too.......I need to weigh my options here." (Don't explain...just say that)

-Caren

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Sorry Drain...but my thoughts were right with Caren. If he does need to "Get away" to think about it, why isn't he suggesting he "get away for a few days" with YOU!!

My guess is (obviously don't know him, but once suffered from the WS fog myself) he just thinks he is infatuated with this girl and he needs to get "her out of his system".

Which is how he is justifying in his WS mind that he can get away for a few days and continue to work on his marriage.

Sorry I know that must hurt to hear, but I am trying to help!!

A few days away at this stage in the game are not going to give answers to the problems in his marriage if they don't include IC, MC or honest intensive discussions with you.

Have you read the books, started Plan A exposure etc.??

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: Freefromlies ]</small>

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I must have miss read Plan A. I thought that included no contact with the other person. I go back and reread. DD needs the computer now.
thanks for the input, but what about when to ask him? I don't want to push him further away. Hell, I don't know if I still even want to be married to him, but I know I can decide that until she is out of the picture.
Thanks for all the help

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Do a search to find old posts by Lostva. Her H actually left to go live with "Poptart" - her name for the young OW. You might also find some of these on the "Notable Posts/Threads" thread over in Just Found Out. These affairs never last. In Lostva's case, I think her H finally got his head outta his butt and saw the light. But I think most of the time, the young girls find a new toy.

Patience, time, consistency.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> I know. I so want to believe him though. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But you shouldn't believe him. Why would you believe a liar? Caren is right, he wants to go away to be with his girlfriend, that is the only reason.

And I would let him know that you know. In the meantime, have you exposed this affair to everyone? What about her parents? I would sure like to know it if my 22 yr old son was acting so shamefully. I would put a stop to it.

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Tell him if he needs to go "think" to go in the bathroom and lock the door. BUT, you should not allow him to run off and leave you car-less, with kids, so he can go boink a 21 yr old.

NO CAN DO! Let him take a cab to do his dirty deed.

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Another one here who thinks you should tell him you are sure he is off to boink and if he goes he better take a cab or rent a car.

Heck, even IF he were truly going off to THINK he doesn't need to inconvenience YOU!

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Try saying this to your foggy foggy man:

Darling....

I know you said you want time alone to *think*.

If you insist on doing this, let me know.

Here's what will happen if time alone to *think* is your decision....

I will drive you to your *thinking spot*... and drop you off.

You will NOT have the car. I will have the car. I need the car to live life and run the family while you are gone, *thinking*.

When you are finished *thinking* ... give me a call.


YOU did not LB.
YOU did not make accusations.
YOU set a clear boundary.

and most importantly ... YOU did NOT say you'd come and pick him up ... you said he could call you.

AND during his *thinking* get someone you know to spy on him. Take photos of them *thinking* together.

And then ... before he returns home ... expose the whole affair (use the pictures) to all important adults. Her family. His family. His friends. All of them.

He needs to recognize the consequence of his affair ... he is about to lose his family ... and he needs an ice cold reality check thrown on his face to wake his [censored] up!

The man is about to throw his life away ... and he needs a HUGE roadblock in his path.

Please... do NOT let him take the car. NON-negotiable!

Pep

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Thank you so much, all of you. My self esteem(sp) is not up to par, but it is getting better.

Read my update and we'll see what happens next...


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