Hi.
New here. Quick history. First marriage for me 7 years ago. Had 2 girls of my own. Married WH and started life. Problems came. He was controlling beyond reason. Had 3 more kids. Now have 5 kids. He started online personals and some kind of A with a co-worker 3 years ago. That burned out fast. But I forgave and let him stay. Now for the past 3 years he hasn't stopped with the online dating. I left him dec. 2004. He's at his mom's and I'm home with the kids. He 'has God' now and says he's different. He wants to come home. I say no. He says maybe in May? I say maybe if you do the following things...I gave him a list, he's willing he says to do it. I won't let him come here to visit. He hurt not just me but the kids too. Now the 2 oldest hate the ground he walks on. We are in counseling. I still am willing to reconsile if he grows up. But my kids HATE him. He was so mean to them. At one point he was trying to convince me to give them over to the state as foster kids. He drank a lot, looked at porn, joined numerous online dating sites, went on dates, all the while keeping me in the dark. I got a computer spy and that's how I found out. In the beginning I do believe he loved us. But something happened and he stopped. Now he says he loves me and wants to reconsile. I feel like putting him in a rocket and shooting him into space. I love him in Christ and try to encourage him to follow the Lord. I'm not ready to take my ring off because my vows were precious to me. Now what do I do. I set boundaries to see if he'll respect them and if he is truely repentant (plus on my next visit to him with the kids I"m downloading a spy on his computer that will give me remote access to see if he's legit.) Isn't my life fun? Yes, being married to a little boy is so fun. I'm giving him till the end of the summer to prove to me he is turning. If he is still falling into it, I'm out. And so are the kids. Why beat a dead horse? I'm excited about the prospects of life without this man. But at the same time, I'm deeply saddened about letting the final strands go. But I can, for me and the kids. I no longer want to 'save him'. Took me long enough to get that. I know his mom thinks this whole mess is my fault. Kinda tells you something about his problems doesn't it? My poor lil baby boy that wife is so mean to you. Mother-in-law. Im just hanging in here and am encouraged by all the stories of hope and saddened by the betrayal of it all. Don't I wish I would have married a grown up. Thanks for reading, any comments or advise is very welcome.

Boy howdy, if it were me and he hurt my kids, he would be GONE and stay that way as long as my kids were living with me. KM, those kids have to come first. I imagine they live in fear at the very thought of him coming back. What a nightmare for them. Thank God you are a smart and brave enough woman to get him out of the house.

But I feel that their safety and well being should always come first. And if has proven dangerous to them, then he should never get a chance to do it again.

You are a brave and good woman, KM, and I have no doubt that you will do everything to protect your kids.

How do your kids feel about him ever coming around again? {{{{{{{{{shudder}}}}}}}}}}}

They will 'leave this f-ing house' unquote. Kinda sums it up. The little ones want him home (ages 6,3 and baby) They don't know what's best though. He told my 6 year old that mommy 'won't let' him come home cause mommies 'mean' to him. What a loser. That was a while ago. He is a special ed teacher for kids with emotional disorders. Oh the irony the irony. I'm a psych. RN. Oh more irony.

I can relate - married to a momma's baby boy too.

Save yourself the heartache.
You need a husband - not a mental patient.
Set EXTREMELY firm boundaries and observe what he DOES - ignore what he promises or says he's willing to do.
Take your kids' concerns VERY seriously.
Don't try to talk the kids into having anything to do with him, forgiving him, giving him another chance... It is HIS repsonsibility to repair the damage he's caused. Do NOT give him any help in this as it will just lessen his sense of responsibility and cause your children to distrust you too.
If the WH can't regain their trust - then too bad for him.

IMO he should be the one making every effort to make himself accountable to you. He should give you his online passwords, phone bill, install spyware on his computer giving you access to his every keystroke, etc. because it is HIS responsibility to try to regain your trust. You shouldn't even have to ask for this let alone spy on him to get the info. If he doesn't want reconciliation enough to volunteer this info then he's nowhere ready to change.

Oh, and if he's not smart enough to figure out that his mommy's 'support' is just crippling him even more than let him stay living with mommy.

You are not his mommy, therapist or even friend.
He has a LOT of work to do if he wants to regain the trust of you and the children. The best, most loving thing his mommy could do is to totally butt out. But it's highly unlikely she will. And really if he's not man enough to realize that himself and TELL his mommy the mess he's caused is his own fault and he has to fix it himself, then he's not worth the trouble anyway.

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Please don't let him around your older kids again. Don't give him a chance to tear them up again. They have already been ripped apart in 2 broken homes. Please protect them, KM.

Oh those little boys! My WH gets that way too. Before he left our house, we were having a "discussion". He was sitting on bench and had the most guilty, sly, unrepentant, little boy look. I told him all he needed was a dunce cap to complete the picture. Not nice but true. Now that he's in his apartment, he still acts like a little boy.

Keep your kids safe. Your blended family is a package deal. WH has to accept ALL of them. Many, many bad things has been done by people who says they have the Lord in their heart. He needs to prove it. He needs to repair the damage.

Kidsmom...
You posted on my thread- thank you- it helped to read that this morning!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Anyway- I too, am having difficulty with boundaries...
What do you do?
I know that the pull of the kids is heavy on you...mine do the same...the oldest tells me NOT to divorce him...they also don't understand why I had to lay down the rule that he is not allowed to be invited in the house without me here. It is PATHETIC that my 3 tender children who love their father, have to enforce the rule!!!
His parents are the same...never "what are you thinking? tearing apart your family!"...and honestly- the people at the church aren't any better....
NOOONE SAYS ANYTHING!!!! People mind their own business so much these days for fear of offending someone- that my H has YET to experience "tough love" or anyone holding him accountable...and of course- I dare not!!
Hold your own girl...KEEP your boundaries in place (listen to me! LOL- I'm saying this as much for me as you today!)...
Love him with Christ's love- but realize that you cannot help him...and obviously his family won't be....
Only God has the wisdom and capability of opening another person's eyes, and helping them to grow into the men they were supposed to be for their wives and children...
I'm struggling with that as well- because I'm not patient...but you know what I figured out? That God has his own timing and his own plan....and for all I know- my H will "wake up" in 10 years and it will be too late- I will have already divorced him and moved on...his children will already be grown and the scars from his choices will already be taking shape in THEIR relationships...
I'm praying for you today...or similarities are unbelievable....
Have you read that book on Boundaries?
I have it, and plan to re-read it this weekend....
As much as we hope and love and want a future....
Jeepgirl
ps. Have you read the Prayer of Jabez? I pray this SPECIFICALLY as it pertains to my children and my heart....

I wouldn't let him back in the house without the older girls blessing either.

As you see improvement in him let him have visitation with the three little ones, and only if you are convinced they are safe.

At the end of the summer you will have a good idea if he is for real or not. Talk to your girls then and see if their opinions have changed.

If not then I wouldn't let him back into your home until they are on their own.

He made this mess, now he has to live with it for as long as it takes. Even years of living apart if that is what it will take to make things right.

That part about him wanting you to give away your own children makes me sick to my stomach. So glad you are stronger and better than that.