DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this I can't fricken stand it, I feel like beating my head against the wall....I'm a *******disaster again.................I don't know what the **** I'm doing....this hurts worse than anything I've ever done....but I can't talk to him, because when I have contact I feel worse than this.....I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel, I just wanna ****ing scream.

My poor daughter, she gets to sit here and hang out with her emotionally unstable Mother all the time.

This is too much, I feel so overwhelmed......I know that I'm choosing the lesser of 2 evils by not talking to him....I can't feel the way I felt the other day again....but I just want to run away........I want this all to go away!!!!!!

I'm sitting here doing the dishes and bawling my eyes out.

I'm so not right

-Caren

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Caren,

I just gave you a "virtual" hug over the Internet (you need it). You are stronger than you think. I am a grown man and have bawled my eyes out many times over this mess I am in with my WS.

You can do this and you are doing this!

Keith

Caren,
you have said a lot to me in a short amount of time. You have a good head on your shoulders, unlike me, and all I can say is I know it's not easy. How old is your daughter? Hopefully not old enough to put two and two together, unlike my 15 yr old DS who just wanted to know what was going on to make dad leave b4 dinner was done.

Hang in there.
I hear dishes are cleaner with a little salt in the water. (lol if you can)

You're getting enough therapy to know how to change your self-talk.

Right this minute...

give yourself a positive message!

"I can get through this."

"I am strong enough to survive this pain.


"I am NOT going to crumble."

Do this now.... give yourself some self-soothing.

Self-soothing is an invaluable tool for life. Do it.

Pep

Caren,
Do you have MSN Messenger? Do you want to chat tonight? If so, what is your username?

Keith

I can talk myself of the ledge, but it's all momentary, I know I won't feel this way forever...so why do the days drag on forever? Why do the nights seem endless?

I can only be upbeat so long and then I crash again.

WTF?!?! Oh I hope he hurts this bad....I really do....I hope not talking to me kicks the **** out of him.

I have to go pick up my DD19 at work........I'll be back in a few.

-Caren

Caren - It DOES get easier. I never even think about my WH at all anymore. But at first, it is very, very hard. Stick to Plan B. I didn't, and WH is still with OW - but I don't care anymore. Things will only go up from where you are now. Hang in there.

Thank you......I hit a rough spot, I'm sure it won't be the 1st one. WH just picked up DD10, and he just honked and she went out.

I am going to see "Meet the Fockers" with my neighbor and the show starts @ like 6:55 and it's 6:18 now, and I just got out of the shower.

Thank you guys, I just needed to get that out.

-Caren

Caren,

There is a way to get past this sensation of h*ll faster.

Think in terms of your by-line. You're not doing Plan B to manipulate your spouse; and now you know that. But your plan must include a greater personal purpose than what you have for it now, otherwise, you revolve around his reaction to your Plan B, which is counter to the purpose... make sense?

Your purpose is to demonstrate fully to yourself that you can and will live happily... with, or without him. That you are at peace with yourself.

So, your purpose, should you accept it, is to be a better you. That is a process. You are on the right track in looking at getting back into school.

You probably qualify for aid if you push the right social services buttons. Check with your women's shelter counselors first; there's also probably women's services help on the campus. Just believe that there's someone somewhere in that community who wants to help you and has the power.

Then work in 15 minute sprints. What I mean by that is that you can forget anything for 15 minutes, especially that maniac husband of yours who lost his mind somewhere between the pet store and bimbo's house, kwim? So vow to put him out of your mind for 15 minutes, and do what's got to be done. Scrub the toilet, clear the counters, get your files in order. Then take a 5 minute break if you need to, journal a bit, then take another forget-about-him vow for 15 minutes and get some more done.

Pretty soon your life will be in order, and he'll have his stuff together too - because I feel the same as others here, this may be a very short Plan B, but there will be the healing process after, and you will have to lay a strong enough foundation with yourself that you won't let his drama of recovery distract you from finishing school and qualifying for self-care - sending a clear signal to him that you can and will move on without him if he doesn't stay to the recovery plan.

Caren, it is all part of the rollercoaster. A group of us used to joke that we'd be walking on the path, and fall down, and the rest of us would come to the rescue and pick us up and dust us off and boot us down the path again ~ in the right direction, of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When it got REALLY bad, believer made us take shifts on which days we could have melt-downs. I think I was a Tuesday . . . I can't remember. If it was Tuesday, I probably broke down on a Wednesday, but none of us were very good at keeping with the schedule. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep hanging on, and you will find yourself back up on top again, thinking, "This isn't too bad . . . "

Spidey

Caren, your byline changed my entire field of view. You should be proud of that.

I'm a little way behind you, so be prepared for me asking lots of ????

(=

David