It is a fine situation we seem to be in isn't it? I never thought I would be at a place like this in my life and/or relationship, but here we are.
I guess I will start with the catalyst for why everything came to a head and provide background as I go.
About 9 months ago my wife bought a copy of The Sims Online (hereto referrred to as TSO). We have always been avid gamers and she rather enjoyed the offline version of The Sims. Since she was working full time and finishing her MBA at the time, I thought it would be a very good stress reliever.
Well, soon enough it seemed she was spending nearly all her free time on TSO. This is a woman who would regularly be in bed by 10pm or so on weeknights and midnight on weekends. That soon changed, she began staying up until 1am or so on weeknights and 3/4/5am on weekends. At first I really didn't think much of it, as we both have had a tendency to do that with new games. Unfortunately, this pattern continued and even got a bit worse when she finished her MBA.
For a graduation present we decided to go to Europe for 3 weeks in summer '04. It was great, except for the fact that she brought a laptop, ostensibly for work, but was on it everynight chatting to her TSO friends. All in all though, it was a very good time together.
About a week after we returned from Europe, my wife found out she was getting layed off from work. This was sort of a blessing in disguise as it gave her a chance to focus on her career change. Of course, it also meant that she could start playing TSO until 3 or 4am everynight, which she did.
Throughout all this time, I steadily grew angry/upset/resentful/suspicious of TSO and the time she was spending in it. I realize now that those were not very constructive emotions, but I can't change the past. About 2 months ago I found out that my wife had taken over paying for an account she had just been playing from a friend. This is when it really started to get me paranoid.
I began asking her to spend more time with me and she did start to make an effort. We would watch TV together a bit in the evenings, but almost all her other time was on TSO, either actively or in the background.
About 3 weeks ago, my suspicions finally got the best of me and I began to snoop on her computer. I found a couple "questionable" files and several files that were password protected. I ended up breaking down and confronting her with what I had found and asked her if she had been having online relationships and cybering, which she denied. At this point she agreed to talk to an IC and MC.
As I was still suspicious, I kept snooping and found some rather emotional e-mails, some sexually explicit e-mails and a sexually explicit picture that she had sent to someone. I then confronted her about this and she admitted that she had been having fantasy relationships and cybering, but that they were restricted to TSO and in the context of her characters role playing.
I then admitted to have an affair about 7 years ago (about 1.5 years after we got married). She went numb! She said she had been a bit suspicious at the time, but didn't think anything had happened.
Well, it has been a little over a week since D-Day. My wife has been to her IC several times and is trying to figure out what emotions/needs she gets out of TSO and the relationships within it. It seems that my wife may be having a bit of an "identity crisis" because of how she was raised/interacted with her parents and so she needs to work through her issues before we can start to work on our relationship.
Things are looking grim and hopeful at the same time. We are both seeing ICs and my wife has promised to do everything possible once she has discovered herself to work on our relationship. My wife has promised not to cyber or engage in online/fantasy relationships. We are even spending more time together, watching TV, window shopping, going out to eat.
Unfortunately, she feels that there is nothing wrong with what she has done. All her friends in TSO tell her she hasd done nothing wrong. In fact about the only emotion she is constantly feeling for me at the moment is resentment that I found out/took her online/fantasy relationships away.
So aside from the obvious stuff, dealing with my affai and her "affair", we are just trying to cope. As I said we have been spending what seems like quality time together again and the last couple days of it have even felt "normal".
So to make a long story even longer, I am sitting here on the sidelines waiting for the chance to deal with our relationship. It isn't easy. I feel the need to discus things to resolution and she hasn't ever been (?) and definitely isn't there at the moment.
I guess the point of all this is to have an outlet for my hurt, shame and "suffering" at the moment so I don't go crazy or leave, which I don't want to do. I also think it may be useful to have some idea of what to do when she comes to a point where she can deal with it.
I guess that is it for now. Thanks for reading.
