Last night H and I had a date..it was great fun.

First out for some Irish food..then off to a bookstore...then thing took a turn for the worse..

We had to go back to post and wait for one of our party who had been delayed with work..while waiting at the company another "man" [I hesitate to call him] came out and sat beside H. It was one of his old chums. H was noticably uncomfortable..not having spent any time with this fellow for well over a year now..and as we sat there this revolting person brought us all up to date..must be current on his comings and goings..right?

So..he's separated and divorcing from his pregnant wife..and under some penalty for adultery, extra duty and whatnot..complaining about the unfairness of having to do anything of the sort..he's drunk and I'm more or less ignoring him until he has the audacity to speak to me..he decides that he and I should take a nice trip down memory lane..and fondly brings up some of the most painfull events of my life as public entertainment..

"hey..remember that time when"...and off he'd go

I was actually speechless, mouth opening and shutting as my brain just refused to process what was happening..for about a minute..and then I admit I snubbed him fairly soundly..embarrassed him enough so that he left the room and as he did I called out "Bye now" with a big vicious smile because I really can be such a b*tch..

So now..I spend the rest of the evening fighting triggers and also sort of feeling bad about having been so harsh with him..then reversing my position and wishing I'd been harsher..

and I triggered in the car..and through the movie..and coming back..then had bad dreams all night.

I'm wondering why I allowed him to have that ability..I mean, it isn't as though any of the things he brought up were a suprise to me.

I was caught off guard though and it causes me to fear that all of these things are always there..just under the skin..being held at bay only by my force of will even when I think I am coming along nicely. Congratulating myself even.."Oh my, aren't I doing well..and under such difficult circumstances" then *BAM* fall right in a hole.

H looked as though he might like to crawl into one himself.

YUCK..and no other word will do.

I am suprised at myself. All of the different aspects of my personality just went to war over this one..and I am full of unrest.

Noodle

Hi, noodle.

Are you telling us that your husband sat there and let this guy say those things?

If so, the more pressing question for me would be why did your husband not plug this guy's cake hole, verbally or otherwise.

Gimble

((((((Noodle))))))

Good for you to take up for yourself! However, I think your H should have flat out told this guy that he wasn't welcome. To me, that would be part of the "Rule of Protection".

He oughta be uncomfortable!
LC

Noodle, you poor thing. I feel badly you had to listen this pig drag this all out. It sounds like he very much deserved every thing you gave him so please don't beat yourself up for setting him straight. What is your H's reaction to all this?

Gimble,

You know..I think he was having the same reaction that I was [he looked like it]..and I just recovered faster.

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> Gimble,

You know..I think he was having the same reaction that I was [he looked like it]..and I just recovered faster.

Noodle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am glad that he was reacting at least.

If I may make a gentle suggestion, if something like this ever comes up again, if you can stand it, wait a few seconds for your husband to 'catch up'.

If your husband had been the one to defend your honor, I bet that the triggers and movies you suffered through would have easily been supplanted by the very real replay of your husband defending you.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

I think you are right. I would have liked that..it was all just so ..so sudden ..and complicated by the fact that techinically speaking we were in HIS home and we just failed to anticipate it. We had such a nice time prior to this and we were relaxed and waiting a few minutes for the rest of our party to change before catching the show..sitting in the common area and out of nowhere this guy shows up.

It's one thing to march into battle..ambush is not similar in the least. Being caught off guard really affects your reaction..I'm not sure what I would have liked him to do. Maybe it's something we can talk about. Maybe we should..it seems we have a gap when it comes to people who were meant to fall off the earth and just have not complied with my wishes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong>
... Maybe it's something we can talk about. Maybe we should..

Noodle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is a great place to start. You might want to directly ask him what he would have done if you had said nothing. That might give him a chance to let his 'hero' breathe a little bit.

I do understand the frustration with people that refuse to recognize it when you are siting on the Center-of-the-Universe chair. What gall! ;-)

All the best,
-NOPkins-

I admit I'm a little alarmed to do it..but I'm going to ask him tomorrow..

..then I'll follow up.

Noodle

Noodle -- you sound much like I do, with PTSD-like symptoms whenever something sets you off. And I firmly believe that (you and I) are not triggered by the events themselves -- we are still freaking out (if only on the inside) because we know we cannot depend on our Hs to stand up and defend us from rude and disrespectful treatment from THEIR OWN FRIENDS.

It's not that we can't defend ourselves. We can. (I'd love to have a chance to defend myself all on my own just once to a certain few of H's pals <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) But what's the point of trying to build a life with these people if they're just going to sit there and stare like an owl when somebody else treats us badly?

*This* is what triggered you last night, and I firmly believe that this is what triggers you every time. It's not the events themselves -- it's the fact H still can't be bothered to lift a finger to help us or protect us when it happens.

They abandoned us and left us twisting in the wind to go have their fun with OWs, and now they are *still* abandoning us and leaving us twisting in the wind when reminders of their "fun" get thrown in our faces.

I reacted the same way when I was invited to go to a company dinner next week with H's boss and a few co-workers -- just freaking out on the inside because it was exactly these situations where H ignored me and ignored some VERY disrespectful treatment of my by his co-workers.

That's the trigger. Not the event itself, but H's failure to protect us or protect the marriage when it happens.
Mulan

Interesting..

This morning H told me..that he thinks I regard those former friends as living, walking, representations of the life he led during that time.

He may be on to something there..I mean, the world is full to scoundrels and slimeballs..and while I never hesistate to judge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> it is disspassionate..not the fire beneath my skin reaction that I have to these men and women.

There is more to it of course..I hate them for their direct involvement and influence..but..still..yes..there is some very real truth to that statement.

As for what happened last night..I was correct. He didn't know what to do..didn't know what rule to measure by..was just as shocked and frozen with shock as I but was watching me react rather than reacting himself.

I say..too much reaction taking place. I like a good preemtive strike.

More to think about. More to discuss.

Noodle {Mulan..I think you have something there, care to expand?}

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
..he's drunk</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't converse with drunk people. No point to it. No possible gain. I get more out of talking to my cat.

Pep

Noodle, About five months ago, my H's colleague and best mate, who had been *in on the A*, been used as an alabi and helped my husband by going to our flat to remove photographic evidence of it, grinned supersiliously (sp?) at me across my favorite cafe. I decided that it was time to put my money where my mouth was and instead of just snubbing him off as had been my custom since I knew of his involvement, I told him that we can drop the pretense because I think him and utter and total arseh*le and I was done with him. He was about the argue back across the room (not a good idea to take on a mad woman possessed) but another mutual friend grabbed his arm firmly and told him to shut up. yes my H was the biggest and primary a/h but this guy fasciliated my H's behavior and encouraged it. Who needs friends like that? I have always thought that my H was heavily influenced by this friend who was also cheating on his second wife at the time (first marriage and opportunity to have children lost because of his infidelity). This guy has based his life on lies and betrayal and influenced my husband into thinking it's just their dark side and nothing more serious when they decide to pursue 'a bit on the side'.

Btw, I eventually answered your post on imagery, sex et al. IMHO it was one of the most cutting edge posts I've seen on MB's. Pity you got so few responses.

Your situation last nite was part of your recovery. Trust your own intelligence and imotional responses - they are what you need to be and do to recover.

An

***This morning H told me..that he thinks I regard those former friends as living, walking, representations of the life he led during that time.***

Well . . . *duh* . . . not to be rude or anything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . . . but that's exactly what they are!

***He may be on to something there..I mean, the world is full to scoundrels and slimeballs..and while I never hesistate to judge it is disspassionate..not the fire beneath my skin reaction that I have to these men and women.***

I know EXACTLY what you mean. This is PERSONAL. How else could you feel???

***As for what happened last night..I was correct. He didn't know what to do..didn't know what rule to measure by..was just as shocked and frozen with shock as I but was watching me react rather than reacting himself.***

Yes -- H was scared to death that you might make a fuss and embarass HIS friend. I've been there, too. It's okay with him for Noodle to be embararassed and hurt and humiliated, but oh, no, HIS friends must be proteceted at all costs -- and that's what happened. Again. I know what you mean. It's happened to me too, way too many times.

H's friends get protected. You get left to fend for yourself. They come first. You don't.

And you wonder why you don't trust your H, why you don't feel safe with him, and why you're suffering from PTSD?

First, I'd ask why the hell these "friends" are still in yours and your husband's lives at all. They are not your friends. They were never friends of your marriage. This would be step number one -- for your husband to recognize that your feelings are more important than those of some drunken moron who helped him cheat and GET SOME NEW FRIENDS.

You don't feel emotionally safe with your husband for the same reason that I don't feel safe with mine -- because other people's feelings always come first with him, even the feelings of people who knew about his cheating and condoned and enabled it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Mulan

Noodle, while not sure I can be of any help I can realte on a couple of levels. First off my SIL loves to bring up the whole sorted A. Not because she was for it, she was not, but out of sheer meaness. Everone in the family is scared of her and cateres to her every whime for fear of reprisal so when I stood up to her it caused a huge rift in the family. MIL actually asked Mrs E. to apoligize for me so the witch would calm down. Mrs E declined.

Secondly I too am somewhat alarmed over a difference of opinion that Mrs E. and I had this weekend. We were discussing a major financial decision and when she got really testy with me the first thought that went through my mind was, well the only reason we are having this discussion is because of fallout from your A. I didn't verbalize it to her, thank God, but it crossed my mind and I thought I was so past that and yet it was right there. Kind of scarey.

Like I said, no real advice but the thread caught my eye.