We have been separated for 3 weeks now, the kids and I moved into our new home. He is set to move into his new condo 1 1/2 blocks away in two weeks.

I have found it so hard when he is here but also I miss him so much when he is not. He has been here alot in the last few weeks as we have still lots of things to move from the old house yet. Doing it in spurts as the weather permits.

He wants to do family activities like nothing has happened. I would love to but I asked him on Friday if he was still carrying on his relationship with OW in AZ. He said yes! My heart broke again, I thought he had realized that it was a no win situation, long distance and other children involved and her H etc etc!! Everytime I think of her I die alittle inside again, I think I am strong and then I collapse again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
My H says the marriage was bad and she is not to blame, he actaually said to me ÿou should meet her, you would like her" and that I should talk to her to find out she is not evil!! The look on my face must have been something. He quickly said he was sorry and should not have said that!

He seems to be so out of love with me and detached, do you think plan B would work? He seems to be over me already!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I don't have any family here that could be a go between for the children. We have so many things still to look after with holidays being organized etc. that it would be hard to have absolutely no contact.

How do I find out if he even thinks about the chance of making our M work ever again??

Shelly,

I am so sorry. I am not one to give you advice but your situation is very, very typical. There are lots of people here that will help you.

Keith

Thanks for listening Keith. I guess it must be a slow day on MB. I have been on everyday lurking and reading post trying to find the answer to "what next!" I don't feel very capable of helping others when I read stories, all I do is wonder what we are doing in this world? Why some of us place such a high value on our marriages and our families and others find that it is easier to look for the quick fix of new love!

I read Karen's Plan B posts and wonder whether I am stong enough to go through with it!

Shelly

My H arrived a while ago so that we can do our tax returns and to take DD to her riding lesson. He arrives with flowers and says to me "for a sunny Sunday". I feel so confused, he is asleep on the couch right now while I work on my tax return. I know it feels more like home here for him than at the empty old house. THe kids are downstairs on the other computer and watching TV right now. Everything seems soooo normal but I know that as soon as he awakes he will put his warped brain into action again and become the WH again. I am happy for another moment but the bubble with burst momentarily.

Caren, How do you keep up your spirit! How do youy keep so strong when your H is so all over the place?

Shelly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shellyC:
He arrives with flowers and says to me "for a sunny Sunday". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's cake eating and REALLY liking it VERY much!

He's as happy as can be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel so confused</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you are trying to make 'sense' out of pure crap!

He's CAKE EATING .... and he sees how lovely you are while he carries on his affair, he's grateful you are being so 'reasonable'.


... and YES ...I suggest you get your Plan B letter written! Post in on MB on a new thread and specifically ask for Plan B letter help.

In secret, of course.

DO NOT DISCUSS your plans with him.

Have you exposed the affair to friends and family? To OW's spouse? (if applicable)

The most opportune time to lower the Plan B BOOM is just following a very meaningful and loving event you share together. You leave a very GOOD taste of YOU in his mouth ... before you go dark.

How old are your kids?

Pep

SHELLY

I was reading your previous posts....

EXPOSE this affair .... it appears you are reluctant to expose.

YOU do NOT discuss exposure with your husband! NOOOOOOOOOOO

Just expose.

Your H has been railroading you for a long time. Relying on you to be timid. Sending you flowers in lieu of a committment. And assuming this will be enough to keep you in your place.

Time for bold brave action on your part.

Pep

Actually I have exposed the A to almost everyone we know! He actually lied to some and said there was no OW in the picture! My family all knows and all but his parents know, they are not in good health and never seemed to be supportive of me anyways. All our friends are disgusted with his actions and he seems to be quite alone at the moment.He talks to the OW all the time, I even saw on the phone bill that he had spoken to her last Sunday on our anniversary. He did not acknowledge the date to me, I bought a nice card. Felt it should be acknowledged. I also got him a Valentines card that stated I loved him before, now and always in hy heart; I stopped at the old house yesterday and it is displayed on the fireplace mantle. What is that saying, he doesn'have to worry about the OW seeing it because she is in another country!

As for the OW hsuband I have been biding my time, I want to talk to him but I do not know his first name and she has her own last name. I do have a home phone # but know that she would answer and see right away that it was me. She would not be balsy enough to put me though to him! I will be calling later in March when the my H and OW are off to California on another week coaches retreat, They get their fix of each other again then! I know the H will be at home with the children and we can talk then. I will offer my support to see that if he wants help with custody of the children I have some evidence that might help him out. I don't imagine he would want her to bring them to Canada from Arizona!!!

My H says the other H knows all about him and accepts that their relationshyip! I need to know if that is the truth, is the other H really that spineless?? How could he sit back and let another man walk into his M and take his wife and ruin the family.

Part of me says to myself that they are both so selfish that they deserve whatever fate hands them in the loss of their families. But I have my children's feelings to think of and also my own. I do see my old H pop up now and then, but he is so enraptured by this new R that he lost his memory and mind with it.

Where is he and how do I get him to resurface for good?!!

You know I let him do it to me again! He was here and somehow I ended up being the weak one and he the person telling me I need to move forward like he has. Stab me in the heart. How does he move forward so easily after 20 years and three kids! Heartless I say, he says different, that he really is a "kind soul"and wants to help me work through with his support! What kind of support can that be, he has a GF and a soft place to land and I only have me! Makes me want to puke, funny how the anger comes and goes and then before I can turn around I am in tears again!!

I just want all my stuff out of the old house and be done with it! I want to be able to Plan B because I think it is the only way I can survive this!

Shelly

OKAY....Shelly....breathe.

Don't even listen to that bull$h*t, I just got it set in my mind that none of it was true, so I barely even heard it. DON'T Listen to him.....he doesn't know what he's talking about! He's a blithering idiot at this point.....some people reverse babble, I just never dignified any of that crap with a reply....he didn't even get a hurt look out of me.

Have you been plan Aing??? Don't consider Plan B until you've done a kick @ss Plan A.....Then when you go to B it's the psychological equivalent of a roundhouse right......a nice sucker punch...Oh, I'm sorry, sit alone in your condo.

I don't know how long/well you've plan Aed so far....but Plan A for a good while after you Expose it to the OW's H, cuz that'll probably be ugly. I wouldn't wait until they're togethere somewhere else....screw that...she can't possibly answer the phone all the time.....I would tell his parents, even if they don't care....Hell I told my WH Mom, and she already knew. I knew that she'd found out, probably because WH told her BF about the OW.....Just wait until I get my hands on him. I'll wait until after the reconciliation....then it's judgement day for a lot of people. I'm going to say "Greg......you know blood is thicker than water buddy...and you're not blood either, your turn is coming." Never liked that b@stard anyway.

I think you have a slight advantage here in that the OW is a long distance thing.

EXPOSE! EXPOSE! EXPOSE! it should have been done in one fell swoop, but better late than never.

I told everyone on the planet the same day...and my WH was mortified......exactly the effect I was going for.

I am stronger than he is.....I shoot myself in the foot...that's where the problem is with me...never was him (Referring to Plan B). He wasn't doing anything I couldn't handle....*I* was rushing things.

So expose to everyone else...be nicey, nicey to him....I never EVER mentioned the OW....neither did he. I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself in that conversation.

I did however mess with her quite a bit....which is not very plan Aish, (In my defense it was before I fully understood what I was doing) I could seriously make her life a living hell....in so so many ways, unfortunately most of it's illegal, and isn't conducive to my efforts....she should consider herself a lucky, lucky girl.

Okay...brief overview as I've effectively confused myself.
1. Expose
2. Expose some more LOL
3. Plan A While Exposing
4. Plan A like it's your job
5. Write a Plan B letter..post it here b4
you give it to him.
6. LOWER THE BOOM.

Oh yeah, I know, I'm in a sadistic mood today.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Caren,

When I see WH it's like my mouth is being taken over by something outside of me. I say the stupidest things and make comments about the OW and how absolutely stupid it is that they think that they can have some kind of dreamy relationship together! I say that how can he think he can overcome the distance, her children, her husband, our children etc etc. Like I am trying to find the right words that will turn the light on in his head and he will realize that I am the right person to be with and that our family together is the most important reason to strive to find a way to rebuild our M.

All I do it seems is make him resolve to find a way to have his GF and his family. He says we have been bad for too long now and he is sorry that he sees now some things that he coould have done that would have helped but he can do them now so that we can be friends and co-parents!!

I don't want to be his friend and only a co-parent. I want my H back and I want to find any way we can to make our M a good one. Even if that takes the rest of my days!!

Caren, have you ever though that your H meant what he said to you, that he loves the OW and he wants to build a life with her somehow? I die everytime he indicates this to me.

I have plan A before - 1st time was three years agao when he ad an EA with my BF, it worked like a charm and we remained together but he never wanted to go to MC. We did see IC for awhile, but he stopped back then when he felt the hurdles had passed. obviously the bandaid washed off and we were worse off than before.

For just over a 2 years now he has been involved in Personal Coaching, I think it is actually a course in learning to be self centered rather than a way to help others. His new OW is in his coaching group and it is like a big love-in everytime the group gets together. They support each other no matter what is right or responsible! How do you fight that kind of nuturing from a bunch of loonies!! They all believe the individual is more important that any morals or values of the world as a whole!

Here I go rampaging about this group again! It is not their fault that my M is on the rocks but I get so pi**sed every time I think about how they think it is all okay!! Go with your feelings is their mantra.

Should I keep calling until I get the OW husband, she probably has caller ID and she is well aware that I have the phone # we had before. Should I hang up if she answers or should I ask for the man of the house? LOL (if that is indeed what he is). What do I say if he does actually answers?


Should I send her a letter via email telling her what I think of her and her relationship with my H and how she isn't the first GF he has had? I would love to do that but I think it might backfire on me!

I want to be someone whio has personal pride. I don't want to look like I am a total pathetic soppy wife that can't stand the thought of being on my own. I am so not like that. I own my own businesses and most people actually find me quite delightful. I just am not ready to throw it all away at this time.

If I could only go to sleep and wake up 1 year from now and feel nothing!

Shelly

Well today is Family Day in Alberta! H wants to take the kids bowling. I'm thinking it might be a good time to restart Plan A for awhile! I want to make sure that when I Plan B that he will have only good thoughts of me.

I know that until I finish getting all our things that are still left at the house that I would find it hard to Plan B.

God, I pray that I will be able to stop the heart from overworking while I do this! I have trouble not thinking about the OW all the time. I tramatize myself thinking about them together!

So wish me well on my revised Plan A journey and send prayers my way please!!

Shelly

Shelly - I am sorry you are here. My H also moved out for 6 months, I now know to continue his A without having to see me everyday and feel guilty. He too would come over on the weekends and hang out all day (wonder if OW knew that!). If I was home and didn't have any plans we would hang out and it was nice, but he still didn't come home. I started to move on with my life. I made plans that didn't revolve around when he may or may not be stopping over. I would have loved for him to worry that I might met someone else, but while he was gone I was getting bigger every day, as I was pregnant with our first child. I think he knew he would always move back home but while I was pregnant he didn't have to worry about me going any where. And in a way that was true, my deadline was after the baby was born. Maybe it would help if your H saw you moving on. I'm not saying dating but going out, having fun. Let him see how someone else might find you attractive.

I never went to Plan B and he moved home at the end of November. He finally realized what he was losing out on. When he told me he wanted to move home a few weeks before the baby was born, I didn't let him right away and as my due date became closer he seemed to panic a little. We finally went to dinner one Sunday night and I told him he could come home. I figured he would move in one evening the following week or the next weekend, after all he had been gone for over 6 months what was the hurry? I got home from work on Monday and he had taken the day off and moved home!

We are very slowly starting to rebuild. I really don't have any advice just wanted to know you had moral support and know that things can work out even when they are at their worst.

Hi Kloe,

I am happy that you have been given another chance to be hapoy in your M again. Just remember that even though your child is wanting all your time that you have a spouse who also needs your attention.

I know that for my situation I kept putting off doing things with H to another day, He really needed my companionship and I wasn't filling that need. Just be aware!

Thank you for your kind thoughts and I know that what ever happens; if God closes this door for me that he has another one opening somewhere!

Shelly