no story, My wife had an affair, I found out. I confronted her, and OM. I,.......under comments from my wife, and OM didn't expose OM....to his wife. "she's fragile" OM's comments...."that is their business" FWW's comments

Well....this was in October. I called her yesterday.

Was that wrong of me....Did I wait too long?

Wife and I have been on a pretty good road to recovery since 1st of the year. A few bumps. Normal, I expect given an OCT. D-Day.


Right now, even though many of you would tell me I did the right thing, I don't feel like that. I feel so guilty. I feel I did OMW such harm. I wish I wasn't alive. My wife is hurt becuase, she is now faced with another person to "feel" guilty for hurting.
I didn't want to send our marriage back 10 steps.

I could never stomach exposure until yesterday. I was so messed up, I couldn't wish that pain on my worse enemy. AND WHAT DID I DO?
I put another innocent in our boat!

Yes OUR boat.

The BS boat.

I'm not proud of doing. I still feel it was the right thing. My conscience weighs so heavy right now.

The advice:

Should I call her again (OMW)...see if she is okay?
I gave her my #.

Should I apologize to OM and my wife..?
For bringing up the past.


You see.....I really didn't want to do this. I hated the idea. My wife and OM work together. I can't stop that. I can't stop the feelings that our lives were still held hostage by OM.
That my wife and I spent the past 5 months trying to save our marriage and OM just got to smile like a smug SOB.


OM called me last night....called me mental case. and some other choice words...The normal "I'm going to get you" threat.

Not worried about threats...more my next move.
Or am I done

OR did I do the wrong thing

OR am I to do nothing.

I really need some advice...

thank you

pokedad

-------------------------------

d-day: OCT 04
WW(her):33
BH(me):37
Kiddies:4, 6, 7

Married: 95

Pokedad

I exposed with proof to OM GF.

It helped stop teh affair.

It was ALSO the strat of THEIR relationship recovery. His GF needed closure, PROOF against his lies.

They are doing pretty well now, it seems. All because of my 'immoral' Exposure.

Be proud. Of course your WS will hate you for it. Thats par for the course.Exposing evil is never bad. OMW discovering what type of behaviour her H was been up to is a kindness which also happens to protect your own recovery.

It takes grit. Once your W is over the meanness she will give you for a few weeks now, she will know all possible chance of rekindling the A is dead.

And YOU will have an ally on OMs side of the fence.

Any ill that comes about from now on is not becaue you exposed but because they had an affair.

All blessings.

BP (not British Petol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Bob....

My biggest worry...the affair was over the summer.

I'm only telling OMW's now....


Was it wrong of me to wait this long?

If you knew or suspected that your wife's A was still going on with OM, then you did the right thing IMO. What happened yesterday specifically that prompted you to call? I'm guessing something happened that made you break a five month silence....

Is it because it bothers you they still have contact at work? It should. It would be better if your wife found another job - easy for me to say I know, but NC is essential after an A. It isn't good for you or your W to still have OM in contact. Even if they aren't still involved in an A, his presence triggers bad feelings in you and her.

No need to apologize to OM's W, OM or your W. I'm sure you had good reason to make the call.

Pokedad, you just did the most humane and decent thing you could do. You did not harm the OMW, the affair harmed her. Her H and your W harmed her. Truth is the solution to adultery, not MORE LYING.

Her H was lying to her and you have now made sure that he can no longer do that.

You also bought yourself some extra insurance that the affair will not resume. It is less likely to resume now that the OMW knows the truth.

Let's put this in proper perspective. Let's say your neighbors bookkeeper was embezzling money from him. Would you not tell him because it might "hurt him?" Or would you feel a moral obligation to tell him so he could protect himself from his bookkeeper? Of course you would tell him.

Well, it is the exact same principle with adultery. I have never understood why some folks view it differently than any other act, such as molestation, embezzlement, etc.

Instead of apologizing all over the place, please get a grip on yourself and place the blame where it belongs: on the affairees.

Your W needs to contact her victim and apologize for her deplorable behavior. THAT is who should be doing the apologizing here, not you.

Don't feel guilty.

It's OK that you waited .... it would have been better had you done it earlier .... but it's OK now as well.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pokedad:
<strong> BP (not British Petol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Bob....

My biggest worry...the affair was over the summer.

I'm only telling OMW's now....


Was it wrong of me to wait this long? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Better late than never, my friend. You did the right thing in the end and that's all that counts.

I did not expose A to OMW but I don't blame you for doing what you did. If she had found out I wish she told me. The reasons why I don't do it now are many: My FWW asked me not to tell her, I don't want to give a reason to OM to break NC and also I'm a coward. But this reasons are mine and don't think they should apply to you or anyone else. Good luck.

MelodyL,

Do you really mean that? That my wife should contact OMW?

She (my wife ) hurts today, I humanized the person she hurt (aside from me).
She knows the hurt this woman must feel. She is equally culpable.

I told my wife not to call OMW....Should I tell her to call....apologize...take the tongue lashing...and move forward...

I love my wife....I have supported her thus far...I won't stop now... I just want to do the best thing. The right thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pokedad:
<strong> My wife and OM work together. I can't stop that. I can't stop the feelings that our lives were still held hostage by OM. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As long as they still work together, you will always have the affair hanging over your head. And I suspect from the fury and anger [versus remorse] that the affair is actually still going on. They are reacting like folks who are in an affair and you busted up their good thing.

Your W will never withdraw from him as long as they are still in contact and you will never recover because every time she sees the OM puts you back to Day 1 of recovery. Talk about dying a death of a 1000 cuts, this is it!

I would very much advise you to talk to her about leaving that job.

See, an affair is an addiction. Seeing the OM every day at work is like sending a recovering alcoholic into a bar every day and making him sit and look at a beer. He STAYS obsessed with that beer and wants a drink of it so badly. And then the inevitable moment of weakness hits and he takes drink, and he is off again.

This is exactly what why Harley is ADAMANT that the affairees NEVER EVER see each again. NEVER. If you want your marriage to recovery, PokeDad, this is not something I would be lax about.

MelodyL said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your W needs to contact her victim and apologize for her deplorable behavior. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO NOT HAVE HER CALL OM. I believe Melody is saying your W may call the OMW and apologize to her. Don't encourage any communication between your wife and OM. In fact, your WW should be looking for a new job, to completly end all contact with OM>

Have you guys sent a NC letter? What boundaries are in place for NC?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pokedad:
<strong> MelodyL,

Do you really mean that? That my wife should contact OMW?

She (my wife ) hurts today, I humanized the person she hurt (aside from me).
She knows the hurt this woman must feel. She is equally culpable.

I told my wife not to call OMW....Should I tell her to call....apologize...take the tongue lashing...and move forward...

I love my wife....I have supported her thus far...I won't stop now... I just want to do the best thing. The right thing. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't advise her to call and apologize today because the OMW is freshly wounded by your W's actions. But once things settle down, absolutely she should call her. She owes her an apology.

SADMAN

I know too about feeling like a coward.

I am not that person...


But my FWW put me in that postion. Part of the reason I told OMW, I DON'T CARE ANY MORE!!!

Not in...I don't want to be married: I do

Not in...I don't love my wife any longer: I do

Not in...I don't care who I hurt. I do.


Sadman....I don't like what i've done....

BUT:!!!!OMW thanked me last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Told me I did the right thing....


Even so I still feel I brought hurt into anothers life.

I hate that feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pokedad:
<strong>


Even so I still feel I brought hurt into anothers life.

I hate that feelings. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excuse me? WHO brought the hurt into her life, PokeDad? The guy who told her she was being destroyed behind her back or the guy who was doing the destroying?

Are the cops bad guys when they tell someone their bookkeeper is stealing money from them? Or is the bookkeeper the bad guy for stealing money?

Harley's very wise words:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

"Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pokedad:
<strong>BUT:!!!!OMW thanked me last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Told me I did the right thing....
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats because you DID the RIGHT thing. Now one should ever be punished or feel bad for telling the truth (no matter how bad it sounds). Also I agree with the previous posts that say that this was a good idea since you FWW and OM work together. Hang on there!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was that wrong of me....Did I wait too long?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did it when you were ready, regardless of your reasons.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't want to send our marriage back 10 steps.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You probably just gave your M the opportunity to move further forward.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I put another innocent in our boat!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You didn't put her in the boat. They did. All you did was inform her she was in the boat. There's a big difference. She had a right to know she was in the boat. She was already suffering, whether or not she was completely aware of it. You have now given her the opportunity to heal.




</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I call her again (OMW)...see if she is okay?
I gave her my #.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It might be a kind gesture on your part. Depending on whether her H is being honest now that he's experiencing a d-day, she may have questions that you can provide answers for. But it might be a wise idea to proceed cautiously. It is not your obligation to meet any of her EN's and to do so would be dangerous for your M, and for hers. In a situation where emotions are running rampant, any further contact between anyone involved could be a risk for further chaos.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I apologize to OM and my wife..?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For not continuing to protect and enable their affair? NO!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you really mean that? That my wife should contact OMW?

She (my wife ) hurts today, I humanized the person she hurt (aside from me).
She knows the hurt this woman must feel. She is equally culpable.

I told my wife not to call OMW....Should I tell her to call....apologize...take the tongue lashing...and move forward...

I love my wife....I have supported her thus far...I won't stop now... I just want to do the best thing. The right thing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am the FWW and also an OW...

I spent the frist 3-4 weeks of recovery still in the fog so to speak, as I was still lying about details to my H. When H had all the details finally, we made the decision that OMW should know. I too was told she was fragile, a depressed woman on meds, and what I met of her during the time, I sided with OM...but what I see now when I look back is a woman crying out for her husbands attentions...

H felt I had a responsibility to tell her so that she wouldn't live in the wondering torture he had lived through.

I almost puked dialing her number, but H was there to help me. I told her, and then H took the phone to talk to her and apologize too. I took the phone back and apologized again and gave her a detail or two that she asked about. I had also been her "friend" during the A, and I apologized for doing that, as I wasn't a real friend for what I was doing.

The whole time I wanted to puke and was terrified and upset...and in the end...this woman told me, she wants to be mad at me, but can't be as she knows what courage it must have taken to call her over a month after I cut off contact with her and the OM. She told me she forgave me too. I was shocked.

I don't know if she still feels the same way - but that helped my recovery greatly - just talking to her and knowing that she had a chance to deal with it. Even if she had called me every name in the book - I think it was very theraputic to make ammends in one more area.

I know that I was D-Day #3 for the OMW, and that when I told her, I also told her about one she didn't know about...that I was aware of, just before me.

Every once in awhile, she pops into my mind, and I ask H if it's okay if I say a prayer for her and the pain she must be going through which has alot to do with me.

I think your wife contacting the OMW herself is away to make ammends and put it behind her - never having to worry aboutthe OMW reactions 4 years later if they met for some reason, and also knowing that OMW knows and has her own choice. Giving the OMW that power made me feel like a better person for the first time in a long time.

The truth does set you free...

-ds

Well,

It all seems to have gone wrong. FWW....she is now MORE in contact with OM. She talked to him more the past few days than in the past month.

I've sent her into a horrible depression.

She hates me now. She is mad at me. She is dissappointed in me.

She has totally shut down to me.

We are back to square one! Not back a step or two. Not even ten steps back. Back to friggn' D-Day!

I'm back there too. She's started flinging all sorts of stuff at me.

I'm thinking I did the wrong thing. I can't change it.

I'm not sure what to do now. My wife is so pissed at me.
As it's been all alonge... She's the victim, AGAIN. I'm the one who caused all this, it's all my fault. Now it's time for me to spiral back into depression. After finally clawing my way out of it.

I don't even know if I want to try any more.
I'm so tired. After so many months of this.
Just didn't expect this firestorm.

Hello Pokedad,

First, you did the absolute right things. You know this and the OMW even thanked you. You know you would have wished this if the roles had been reversed.

Second, what your wife is doing to you know is typical of a cheating spouse. They when exposed try to shift the blame to that of being a victim.
I guess it was not their fault that they betrayed their marriage, humiliated and totally disrespected their spouse and put you at great risk for STD's. The fact that she continued to work with the OM was a continued slap in the face to you. How do you think your wife would have been acting if the roles had been reversed? I agree with Melody that maybe the physical affair had ended, it sounded like the emotional affair had continued.

Now you are the bad guy because you got tired of the humiliation and felt it was right for her to be exposed to the OM's wife? Well isn't that too bad for her! She sounds quite spoiled and self-centered. She should be thrilled that you forgave her. It sounds to me (I may be wrong) that she got off quite easy from you and feels like she can be a drama queen to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I suggest you read James Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough. Maybe it is time for her to know how you feel and you have no intention of accepting her behavior and are ready to move on. See if the OM will have her now. I bet her attitude would change dramatically and she would stop acting like a child.