Dude, I'm really feeling for you.

I do think you should have exposed sooner. The OMW had/has every right to know what was going on, right from the beginning. Having said that, though, I do want to offer my support by saying that late is way way way better than never. So good for you!

You wife is acting like the typical WS/spoiled brat. Complaining and whining about being the victim? Holy crow. That, my friend is sick. Even if it is typical, it's sick. Almost as sick as you trying to take the blame for all this.

Enough is enough, m'man. Stand up for yourself. Can't really tell you how, cause I haven't figured that out for myself yet, but... please, for the love of God stop believing the crap that's coming out of her mouth!!!

dewt

Dude, I'm really feeling for you.

I do think you should have exposed sooner. The OMW had/has every right to know what was going on, right from the beginning. Having said that, though, I do want to offer my support by saying that late is way way way better than never. So good for you!

You wife is acting like the typical WS/spoiled brat. Complaining and whining about being the victim? Holy crow. That, my friend is sick. Even if it is typical, it's sick. Almost as sick as you trying to take the blame for all this.

Enough is enough, m'man. Stand up for yourself. Can't really tell you how, cause I haven't figured that out for myself yet, but... please, for the love of God stop believing the crap that's coming out of her mouth!!!

And if there's going to be more contact, well then there should be more exposure. More more more. Time to take a stand.

dewt

PD,
The only wrong move you made was to not do it sooner. And if your wife is so angry at you then maybe you need to ask yourself how real was the reconciliation that you two seemed to be enjoying?

If you just back up a step and for once understand that you didn’t do anything to apologize for then maybe you could truly begin to solve your marital problems! You didn’t cheat and you didn’t lie! It was your WW and her little soul mate that earned the right to have those two adjectives placed before their names like gold stars. All you did was refuse to keep it a dirty little secret…the kind of secret that made the affair possible in the first place.

So now she’s so angry that she may never forgive you? What a joke. She can lie and cheat, have sex with another man, an other man who is married to some one else mind you, yet you find it in your heart to not only forgive this woman but trust her again. But because you told this simple, basic truth to some poor woman who deserved to have this truth, your wife can’t even look at you?

PD, tell me what’s wrong with this scene? Tell me why you would be doing mea copes over having committing this kind, just act? My God man, no matter how much you love her you have to stand up for yourself and more important, show the character to stand up for what’s right.

Coach

pokedad,

Ok you discovered the affair in Oct but your posts indicate you've only been on Marriage Builders since Dec2004. I imagine you've been muddling through this chaos by yourself since Oct and, only since you found MB, you realize there is a Plan for recovering and rebuilding after an affair. Taking not quite two months to read all parts of this site, some suggested books and numerous posts is NOT taking an awful long time to realize you need to take some constructive action.

You did the right thing pokedad. Stay strong!!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by pokedad:
<strong> Well,

It all seems to have gone wrong. FWW....she is now MORE in contact with OM. She talked to him more the past few days than in the past month.

I've sent her into a horrible depression. </strong>

You did not send her into a depression, pokedad. Her actions have brought about natural consequences. You sent her into NOTHING!!! The affair led to exposure which led to her having to deal with the fallout of HER OWN actions.

<strong> She hates me now. She is mad at me. She is dissappointed in me.

She has totally shut down to me.

We are back to square one! Not back a step or two. Not even ten steps back. Back to friggn' D-Day!

I'm back there too. She's started flinging all sorts of stuff at me.

I'm thinking I did the wrong thing. I can't change it. </strong>

Of course she's mad at you. You should see my ten year old flip out at her sister when she tells on her!!! It's ugly! My WH spewed venom at me for quite some time after each exposure. It's natural. It sucks. It's not easy to deal with and it throws the BS into a panic.

That's what she wants. She wants to shift the blame and be angry instead of looking at herself. Put your mirror up, pokedad. Put it right up in her face because she needs to see it is HER that caused this, not you.

I hesitate to say this, but about being back to square one.... I don't think you ever left there. If she is seeing him at work all the time and your exposing sent her into renewed communication.... you never left go. You may have been working on some things and you may have felt like progress was being made, but as long as the WS maintains contact, they maintain at minimum an emotional affair with their A partner.

This hasn't set you back. It's shed light on where you truly are.

This may very well be what has put you in the starting block though!!

<strong>I'm not sure what to do now. My wife is so pissed at me.
As it's been all alonge... She's the victim, AGAIN. I'm the one who caused all this, it's all my fault. Now it's time for me to spiral back into depression. After finally clawing my way out of it.

I don't even know if I want to try any more.
I'm so tired. After so many months of this.
Just didn't expect this firestorm. </strong>

She is pissed. I know that's hard. I have been there. She is playing the victim because it's so much easier to be the victim than it is to look at the TRUE and FAR REACHING effects of your actions when they devestate another person.

You are at a great place here though. It doesn't feel like it, I know. But with this exposure it is more likely the A will TRULY die. OM is going to have some accountability now too. Hopefully, this will also show both of you the absolute neccesity of NC... not at work even. The addiction must end and it can't as long as they see each other.

It is going to be hard, but this is no time to spiral into depression. You did a great, protective and courageous act to save your marriage. You are tired and you have every right to be.

This is a chance to start that recovery for real. It may very well be the new beginning you need. Wrap yourself in the knowledge that you did what you had to do to save your marriage. You did the right thing in possibly helping to save another marriage. You gave the OMW information SHE had the right to know.

Stand back and let her get her anger out of her system. It dies down. Trust me. I've seen it in my own relationship and many times here on this site. It is going to pass. Try to just weather the storm. It's basically a temper tantrum. The best way I've found to get through those is to ignore them. The person throwing the tantrum wants your reaction...specifically to get what they want. You can't give in to a tantrum. You can just wait it out.

Good luck to you. I know how incredibly scary and lasting this anger seems. It will pass though.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!

Well, things seem to have death spiraled yet again.

I went home from work yesterday, to talk with her. Help her deal with the depression and sadness. She's pretty much turned it all around 100%.
I have a ton of faults. Many of which lead to her having an affair. I've tried my butt off to address those. Address her needs. I am following much of Harley's pricipals. I've worked at our relationship.


Well today!!!
I've been asked to leave. That I've railroaded the marriage once again. That I've set us back when we were doing so well.
IS this fog?
I guess I don't care. She has unloaded on me. All my mistakes. All my errors. How I caused her affair. Is she right or wrong?

I've been kicked out. I told her I was fighting for our marriage. And she still told me to leave.

Oh, I'm sure she'll ask me to come home. But I don't want to. The stuff I have to deal with internally, the hurt of her being in love with another man, the lies, of course let's not forget the sex. The whole shootn' match.

I love her. But, I'm tired of being made into the bad guy. I've tried to atone for my past mistakes. I admitt them. I've asked for her to forgive me. I've worked to forgive her. I am still.
And SHE KICKS me out.

I don't want to play games. I'm too old for that stuff. I'm not an 18yo who thinks this is a game. THis is my life, my children are at home. As is my wife. That is a place I wanted to be.
But, I'm reluctant to go want to go back. I don't want to play this game. I'm too tired. I don't do games. I want to talk things out. I want to end a conversation with us both understanding why we are where we are.
I won't get that.
She hacked a huge piece of my heart out today.
More than may be able to be put back.
This may as well be worse than d-day. I've got nothing left to lose.

If she had continued contact with OM, even once a month, then recovery never started...you did NOTHING to end your M, or railroad it.

You took an action to end the A, that had been ongoing. Your WW and OM were quite content to continue this A under the terms you had all agreed on...it would have escalated shortly though.

Let your WW know you will not tolerate ANY contact with OM. Let her know you have done this to SAVE your M. And if there are faults you can both work on it once OM is out of the picture...

Anyone else they whined about exposing to? Perhaps it's time to make this A more out in the open...

pokedad, just settle down. You aren't going anywhere. The dumbest thing you could do is LEAVE. Tell her if she wants to separate, then she can leave. You haven't done anything wrong.

Ok, now listen closely and let me explain what is going on here. Your W has no remorse for her affair and is downright furious. I strongly suspect it is because she has never withdrawn from the OM, which means she really never ended the affair.

Her fury is all rooted in the fact that a) her affair was not truly ended and b) you brought it to a quick end by contacting the OMW.

Although things are very rocky right now, this is an excellent development.You have brought the affair out into the open and it will now DIE IN THE LIGHT.

You have dragged the vampires body out into the light of day and it is dying. Don't be alarmed at it's dying shrieks. It is a good thing.

Melody,

Maybe I am over-reacting!? Maybe I am upset. This has been a lot to deal with. Not whinning. Just pointing out my not so stable view points at times.

As for going home. My children are there, things will get out of hand if I go home. I've made a personal commitment to myself not to allow that to happen in front of the kids again. It's happened several times now. I respect them enough to know it isn't right.
The kids also love their Mom. I'm not so heartless as to try to replace a Mom. Even a Mom who has had an affair.

Is she acting in the manner suggest. That the affair wasn't over? Yes, she is acting that way.

Were she and OM were content with the "detached" EA they had? I tend not to think so.

She had been away from work a month, then went back because of $$. This past month, it has festered in me. Maybe "instictivly" I've known that any contact is wrong. I've also felt rotten about not telling OMW.

She's went through withdrawal. I thought. I am fairly certian PA ended many months ago. Like October. In many ways her reaction has shocked me.

I'm not really certian what to do now. I don't feel that going back home is the right thing. Not to another round of yelling and tears. There is nothing to gain by that.

While this may all be typical. My reaction, hers.
Hell the whole thing may be from a Woody Allen script for all I know.

I'm too tired to keep this up.

double post??

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: pokedad ]</small>

Calm down and go home, pokedad. Go home. Don't get into a fight with her. If she starts screaming, tell her you are sorry she is upset and hope she feels better soon. Then leave the room.

Be firm and do not allow her to drag you into a cat fight. If she keeps it up, then collect the kids and take them for a nice ride out to McDonalds. But do not move out of your home. She is in the wrong here and you should not allow her to manipulate you. You should never ever leave your home.

You will be fine if you can just calm down. This is a good development, PokeDad, even though it is a HARD ONE. You have accidentally burst her fantasy bubble. You are hearing the last gasps of this affair.

You will be fine.

pokedad,

you said...

I'm not really certian what to do now. I don't feel that going back home is the right thing. Not to another round of yelling and tears. There is nothing to gain by that.

Go home. How is leaving right? Because SHE (your W) says that is what she wants?

Ask yourself a few questions....

Why is she so upset that you told OMW months after the A is over?

---Because the A wasn't/isn't over

Why does she feel more guilty now than before?

---Because she has been deceiving you for XXX months

Why is she talking to OM now?

---She's trying to put out the fire. She had you under control now she doesn't.

You did well.

If OM makes threats call the police.

This scenario has been played out many times here on this board. The WS gets pissed because of exposure, says the marriage is over. That exposing was the final straw and now they are never coming back.

I didn't expose to OM's fiance' because my W made it clear that it was over. Well it wasn't.

You did the right thing for you at the time. Don't second guess it. It's done....deal with what is happening now not what could have happened if....

God Bless

Doug

PD,
Now is the time, while you’re hurting the worst that you need to settle back, calm down and detach yourself from the fray. This is the time when a BS must understand that he/she must control the only element in the marriage they still have control over and that’s themselves.

So what do you do?
1. You do not leave your home and children for any reason.
2. You do not participate in any arguments or relationship discussions what so ever while your WW is in the kind of emotional state you are describing.
3. At this time, you interact with her only on the most superficial level and while doing so, always being sure that you make total eye contact! Very important! Look at her and cause her to look at you! Make her see you!
4. When she is speaking, you say nothing! Just listen. Do not engage her! Listen, listen and then listen some more!
5. Do not contradict her, debate any issue with her or criticize her in any way. Instead, just listen to her! No one ever got into trouble by just keeping their mouth shut!

If, however, she becomes so offensive in her diatribes that she is surpassing absolutely any boundaries that are tolerable, then what you do is wait patiently until you are sure that she is finished saying what she’s saying. At that point, you can respond, but only in the softest tone of voice you can manage. With out raising your voice or communicating any anger, you might say something like:

~“Wife, if I were the worst person in the world and had committed the worst crimes that any man might commit, it would still not entitle you to speak to me in that tone of voice and say the kinds of cruel, mean spirited things that you’ve just said. No matter how wrong you feel I am or how much you might hate me at the moment, I am still the father of your children and have always tried to be a good and loving husband to you and as such I deserve at least the respect that this entitles me too.” “Please do not ever speak to me this way again because I will not tolerate it.” ~

Then just turn from her and walk away. Say nothing else to her. Just be somewhere else until she gets herself under control. Then go about your business as if no nasty words had ever been spoken. Do not hide from her or avoid her or go somewhere and sulk. Just act as if nothing has been said.

Is this difficult to do? For damn sure it is but guess what? When being engaged by some one out of control, being in control makes you more powerful. No argument can take place when there is no one to argue with. So just don’t do it. The calmer you are, the more unreasonable she will sound to herself. Just be in control.

Coach