Well...after a year ...of bouncing back in force, FWW now asked me to give her 30 days of no contact. She says the problem is'nt me...it's her troubles and she wants to see "If I'm making her crazy or it's her"...alos kissed me goodbye...and commented that she feels things will workout and the Lord will lead us back together. I had heard a good message at church today, about how are troubles, temptations and trespasses...if we use I minds thinking of God...these are just test that we pass through to built character and makes us more like Jesus. This is the 4th time she has left...1st was to "find herself" but lead to the A...I feel that no A currently is going on...but being alone...kind of leaves the door open. What do you guys think of me going to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex? I'd kind of like to go...but I'm a little afraid of the temptation due to my feelings being down. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Welderboy:
<strong> Well...after a year ...of bouncing back in force, FWW now asked me to give her 30 days of no contact. She says the problem is'nt me...it's her troubles and she wants to see "If I'm making her crazy or it's her"...alos kissed me goodbye...and commented that she feels things will workout and the Lord will lead us back together. I had heard a good message at church today, about how are troubles, temptations and trespasses...if we use I minds thinking of God...these are just test that we pass through to built character and makes us more like Jesus. This is the 4th time she has left...1st was to "find herself" but lead to the A...I feel that no A currently is going on...but being alone...kind of leaves the door open. What do you guys think of me going to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex? I'd kind of like to go...but I'm a little afraid of the temptation due to my feelings being down. Thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....er......NO! Stay away from the temptation. Find someone else to join you. And, although I know nothing about yout situation: have you read HNHN, or anything on this site about ENs and LBs? What exactly is going on with your W - there should be no need for her to leave........


very confused.

David

Yes, I've read both books. W had started...but never found the time....she also went thru a kidney removal surgery...while on her own during Nov./Dec., after Christmas...I was starting to get really frustrated and asked her if she was ready for me to file for D. She returned home that very day....and was really content until her return to her stressful job....and It's been confusing...and all, but I'm truly proud of my patience...I hate to D someone I love with all my heart...I got to the point of trusting that she was'nt going to have an A...with the 1st guy again...but she told me of feeling she was having for a guy at her job, that he didn't know of her feelings...and she asked me to help her through these kind of times. Also, she has told me of her feeling safe and secure when with me, but always so confused at other times...and Yes...I still love her.

Welderboy,

I just posted this to GrayCloud. Looks like you need to hear it too.

A TRIAL is a test to build us. A TEMPTATION is a trick to destroy us.

Your wife has given in to TEMPTATION, but has put you through a TRIAL. If you are right with God, you WILL come out of this better, stronger, faster...

Why did your wife fall? Why does any spouse betray? Simple really. INAPPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES. Close, opposite sex friendships WILL LEAD TO TROUBLE. They have no place in a marriage between healthy people. One spouse should actually HONOR the other by guarding against such friendships.

Are you still married to her? If so, than a date with a woman, even just for dinner, is INAPPROPRIATE. YOU are MARRIED.

It does not matter what SHE does. Her actions, however reprehensible, do not in any way give you the right to sin. Doesn't work that way. She is her, and you are you in God's eyes. You sin, you disappoint HIM. She is not even in the equation.

If you want to "date", separate or divorce your wife. Otherwise, it will most likely be adultery.

Keep up your Plan A, if that is what you are doing, for as long as you can stand. Then go to Plan B. B is there for YOUR protection. When you have said "I have done everything I can and I will die if this situation doesn't change" is when you Plan B.

But until you divorce her, she is still your wife. For better or for worse, remember? You must honor your commitment for your OWN SAKE, regardless of what she does.

NCWalker

Thanks, NC....

What do you guys think of me going to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex?

Go ahead. It will be good for you. Don't worry about what others say. One of the problems I see with you and your wife is that you are too much like a doormat. Women are NOT attracted to men who they can push around. Get some backbone and you will notice her doing a little pursuit.

Go ahead and go to dinner with the friend. There is NOTHING wrong with dinner with a friend of the opposite sex. It may even help your situation. It is only dinner, not a marriage proposal. Once your wife sees that you MAY be letting go, you will be more attractive to her. Think about it...

WB,
I know that right now it might not seem so but in fact, I for one believe that your WW has given you a gift weather the giving was intentional or not.

I have followed your story, of and on, for quite a while and in truth, I have to say that it seems a blessing that one of you finally has come to the realization that continuing on as you both have been, is not getting either of you any place fast. All you’ve both been doing is repeating more of the same over and over and essentially getting nowhere.

Plan B is an excellent device, which allows two people the opportunity to re-examine their feelings from a more objective place. In fact, it’s time we all realized that Plan A is essentially nothing more then a set up phase for Plan B. It’s during the plan A phase that we create the positive lasting impression on our WS, so that if they persist in their infidelity, when we go to Plan B they have a positive lasting image of how good “things” used to be.

You are, in my opinion, some one that should probably have been in Plan B a long time ago. The only question left is how well you are able to do it! The magic isn’t in the letter you send. The magic is in your will to stay dark and not falter for any reason until your WS meets the Plan B terms.

Can you do it is the question.

Coach.

She phoned a few times yesterday....sould I speak with her? She as always was missing me already, but she needs to go get some IC or return to church.Today, I'm pretty comfortable today...I remember finding peace with myself the last time I was alone. Thanks.

WB,
Have you done any reading about Plan B and what it's intended to accomplish? Conversing with your wife at this point is about you meeting her emotional needs and this is contrary to the plan. And I know that it was she that parcipitated the Plan B or more to the point the seperation, but now that you're there why not try to grow from the experience and see if this is the solution to your marital problem?

So No!If you want to give Plan B a chance then it's not alright for you to be speaking with her. Instead you should write her a Plan B letter outlining your goals and your vision of what the marriage needs to be if you two intend to be together. Further you should explain what elements of your plan are negotiable and those that are not. Then sit back and wait for her to make up her mind about the marriage and refrain from having any contact with her at all, until she agrees to your basic premis. Until then, go dark and stay dark.

Coach

Thanks Coach....talk about going dark, my dog and I are cleaning out the garage this evening. Hows that for single life?

Well...day 3, and I'm already starting to settle in. I guess that wondering and the worry was more than just being alone. She sent me a text message last night around bed time...saying "miss U"...I did'nt reply and it don't hurt. I'd say I'm going to be better each day, and have tried to focus on my life. Anymore response about the dinner thing? Only keepmovin4wd thinks it's a good idea...

WB,
One assumes that you are mature enough to handle friendships with those of the opposite sex so why should there be a question about you having or not having dinner with a woman? This will only be a problem if you allow it to be one.

My question to you is, what do *you* think about going out to dinner with some one of the opposite sex?

Coach

It's been a long 3 days I'm sure. Hang in there. Keep busy - cleaning the garage with the dog (who I'm sure was a big help) was perfect. We all have a happy place to go to. My husband loves the garage.

Perhaps it would be helpful to stop thinking of yourself as "single". You are married and it's o.k. to clean the garage with the dog even if you were single.

And, you probably aren't going to like hearing this, but I'd stay away from dinners with women for awhile. You are kind of in a fragile place right now. Become content to "just be" for awhile, without a relationship. It's time to take time and get healthy while you wait for your wife to come to her senses. My woman's instinct is just screaming right now - are you nervous about going to a dinner with a woman because you don't trust yourself, or you think something is going to happen? Do you kind of think of this time as your time to be single? You don't have to answer in this forum because it's none of my business, but just food for thought for ou.

Well....I think, that I better pass on dinner dates. The lady...tested me hard once in the past, and I haven't had my physical needs met in sometime. Most likely the best advice is " just say no". Not..."just do it". PS...me and my dog are headed to the "shop" again tonight. Later...PS how about a prayer for me and MIA spouse.

Healthy choice for now. Good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

By the end of all this, you and your dog will have your place really whipped into shape.

As far as the prayer goes, consider it done. Hang in there. The Lord works in mysterious ways -
GS

Thanks guys....I guess that sticking to this will be and is better than the cont. results that keeps her guessing if her decision to stay in our marriage is right.