Does society really now embrace divorce more so than marriage? I was really angered by an article called "Divorce parties celebrate flying solo; Many are glad to be freed at last" in today's paper written by Rachel Dodes of NY Times News Services. I guess you can even hire someone to host a divorce party for you. Is anyone else sickened by this? This just shows how shallow society is when it comes to valuing the true meaning of what marriage and love is. Anyways, here are some clips from todays article...

"I am so happy to be a free agent, said Rachel, 27, at her divorce party, "and I am accepting applications to make out." Several single men were on hand eager to apply.
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"The divorce party, a hybrid of bachelor-bachelorette party and baccanalian exorcism, is emerging as a celebratory occasion, complete with gift registry. Once a source of shame, divorce has become its own peculiar rite of passage, so commonplace that more people are commemorating the occasion with friends and in public."
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"Experts see a combo of factors at work, including a growing acceptance of divorce and society's need for rituals to mark important life stages. Fifty years ago divorce was almost a forbidden thing. Today you do not think of a divorcee as an outcast; you extend your sympathy and sometimes offer your congratulations.
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websites, www.revengelady.com www.breakupnews.com

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Does anyone else find this disturbing? I am just really scared as I now enter the world as a divorcee and look to find a man who has passion for what love and marriage really symbolizes.

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years; together 5.
His Affairs: 1 with coworker 2003; current affair with 2003 HS graduate who exposed herself via webcam while chatting with WH online in April 04.
D-Day: May 23, 2004; he immediately left. Plan A thru Oct, Plan B thru Dec, divorce papers served a couple days before X-mas. I hire a lawyer, report OW to her commanding officer and now have been deemed evil, accused of ruining others lives, and shunned by WH's family. Backwards, eh?

Hi K,

"Growing acceptance of divorce"

Yes,this does upset me but it's what I see and hear nowadays so I am nervous that this will seem the "norm" rather than long lasting,committed marriages.I can understand the trend to try and make this issue not so painful by "celebrating" it but the acceptance part makes me worry that more people will look at D as not such a bad thing so if their marriage isn't going as well as it could be then why not get D'd? Why work at it?

This statement makes my skin crawl like some other's such as, "Maybe marriage isn't meant to last forever". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Is this just more fog talk in society? What's next? Celebrate muggings? Domestic abuse? Geeze.I can't think of a more painful situation,aside from Infidelity,that just should not be touted as OK.It's painful and destructive but we all do our best to survive it,that's all.

O

This doesn't bother me very much, honestly.

There are rituals associated with many of life's major beginnings and endings. Why not have a ritual to mark the end of a marriage?

GC

GC,

I think there is a fine line between encouraging and even supporting life after a D.All of us here that are not going to be able to recover our marriages will do it and hopefully we will have the love and support of friends and family at that difficult time.

But where do we draw the line in suggesting that D is ok and not so bad? Yes it is necessary in many cases but for me,I worry that the backlash will be that instead of fighting for marriage,people will start to be encouraged to give up the fight and disolve their unions because it is more acceptable now.It should not be IMO.Where is the outrage that Infidelity is on the rise,that our marriages and families are being destroyed and no one(not many) but us seems to care? Certainly not the legal system that turns a blind eye as to who is at fault.Fault rarely matters anymore,we have accepted that.Certainly not many family members who only want the WS to be "happy".They have accepted this newfound situation despite the anguish of their grandchildren.

Even some children now are encouraged to be accepting of this behavior and circumstance more readily so as not to make waves in the new families energing from adultery.Do you not see anything wrong with this picture?

What about Funerals? Are not the deaths of marriages as painful? Should we now celebrate the passing of our loved ones instead of giving just time to grief and mourning? Are we going to put a positive spin on every trauma in life?

" I am accepting invitations to make out". Several single men were on hand eager to apply.

YUK.


GC,I am not singling you out at all.I am just throwing some thoughts out based on what you said which was different than what I feel right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

Because in the end, a divorce is a failure.

By the litmus test of "life's major beginnings and endings" being a reason to celebrate, what's next?

Sept. 11 party?
Abortion party?
Tsunami party?

YES. Some divorces probably should happen. But it is not something to celebrate. Sends the wrong message.

Celebrate a funeral. I want mine to be a celebration of a life well-led, not a gloomy, we'll miss him kind of a thing.

My impending divorce? I just see that as sad, unfortunate, and unecessary. Maybe I am being too somber. Ask me in a week and I may change my story.

NCW

Know what?

At the end of the day, it probably doesn't matter. There is lots of behavior I personally feel is sick. But others do not. What right do I have to judge?

At the end of the day, a divorce party someone else might throw is not harming my children. So more power to them, if that floats their boat.

As individuals, we must be careful when we blanketly state something as "right" or "wrong." EVEN an affair.

But as a society, if we collectively accept a certain behavior, then we BETTER be collectively willing to accept the consequences.

At the end of the day, I think a divorce party is a bad idea, but I won't lose sleep over it. My kids are learning lessons from me, and celebrating something like that WON'T be on their menus. Much more important things to worry about. Life's too short.

From someone who went through a divorce because of infidelity, let me offer that it is NOT something to "celebrate".

It hurt unbelievably, there aren't words. It was the single hardest life change I have ever been through ... considering the vows we took and "I" meant included "till death do us part".

IMVHO, anyone who sees a divorce as something to "celebrate" took their vows lightly.

Jo

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Resilient...I agree with you.

In no shape or form should the dissolution of a marriage be celebrated. Perhaps divorce needs to be something that is a more costly venture so that when someone decides to take that step towards marriage and when sacred vows are exchanged that include such words "in good and bad", they truly mean it. It really is saddening to see outsiders crossing that marriage boundary and breaking apart families and destroying unions. Even more sickening is comments like that of my WH indicating things like, "everyone gets divorced, what's the big deal?" or acting like his infidelity was a normal act. Perhaps if there was a more costly punishment, people would think twice about 1) getting married, 2) hurting their spouses, and 3) just walking away from marriage, what was vowed to be an eternity of shared emotions, both good and bad.

-K

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: kjb23 ]</small>

Personally, I find the idea of a divorce party sad. The way it is written about in this article, being done up like a bachelor/bachelorette party is just sick.

BUT, I admit I have counted out the days until my 90 day waiting period is over. It just so happens that some friends of mine, who were very good friends of WH and me, are having a "we finally got our damn house remodeled" party that weekend. I can't guarantee how I'll feel about the divorce once the date actually comes, but I plan on celebrating that weekend.

I'm not celebrating the fact that my marriage ended or that I'm divorced. I don't plan on accepting any makeout applications.

I plan on celebrating a new chapter in my life. I didn't want it. I fought as hard as I could against it.

But, here I am anyway. I'm moving on regardless of the fact I tried and failed to save my marriage.

So, while the description of the divorce parties stated in the article are sad and seem to belittle marriage, I can understand the sentiment behind it.

I don't feel I took my vows lightly. I took them, lived them and fought for them.

Regardless, I'm getting a divorce. It is a new journey for me and I may very well take the chance to party a bit for myself in celebration of getting rid of the lying, cheating Dork I then get to call Ex-Dork.

When I married my wife, if someone told me I should write a pre-nuptual agreement, I would have told them "Hah. Not us. We are in love and that is all that matters."

Now, I kind of wish I had one.

Thoughts?

NCW

(And I am saying this in the context that a divorce should be costly, or serious, or carry some teeth. It seems that many take the breaking of the vows lightly.)

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: ncwalker ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ncwalker:
Know what?

At the end of the day, it probably doesn't matter. There is lots of behavior I personally feel is sick. But others do not. What right do I have to judge?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By your existence, you have the right to judge. The idea that man cannot judge actions and the consequences they produce as "right" or "wrong" destroys his ability to live life effectively. Every action man must take in life is inherently impregnated with the concept of morality (how does this action produce "good" or produce "bad" consequences?) Because man is not a lower animal, driven almost completely by instinct, he must use the only ability he has to coordinate his existence: his ability to reason. By analyzing choices and determining their benefit or detriment to one's life is "judgement", you cannot discard this aspect of reasoning.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At the end of the day, a divorce party someone else might throw is not harming my children. So more power to them, if that floats their boat.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It does not directly affect you or your's, but the acceptance of the "idea" as "OK" or "good" will. One cannot claim that all ideas are subjective and thus innocuous, so long as you don't accept them, for the actions of others ARE affected by such ideas. A society that considers divorce a mere "stage" of life is one that holds no virtue in marriage, so why even accept marriage? Are we to look at prison as a "stage" in life? Millions go through this "stage", so why not paint it in a more "positive" light, instead of holding to the negative connotations? If marriage is merely a stepping stone to divorce, then why re-marry? To re-divorce? What is the end goal?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As individuals, we must be careful when we blanketly state something as "right" or "wrong." EVEN an affair.

But as a society, if we collectively accept a certain behavior, then we BETTER be collectively willing to accept the consequences.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is kind of confusing. The individual is the foundation of society and it is the individual who suffers the consequences of actions; as more individuals suffer the more society suffers. Society has no capacity for thought or judgement or reason, this is the realm of its constituents and there is no reason why the ideas of it's majority are "truth" while a single individual or a small minority cannot be. It was a small minority who condemned slavery, who believed that women were equal; it was an individual who demonstrated that the world was round, that the sun was the center of the solar system, etc., all in the face of adversity and condemnation.

There were individuals who condemned fascism before it came to power, who attempted to explain the "evil" of its ideology before the specifics of its implementation were ever witnessed. Man, as person, can reason why things are "right" or "wrong", for this is how he discerns his way in the world, through his capacity for rational thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At the end of the day, I think a divorce party is a bad idea, but I won't lose sleep over it. My kids are learning lessons from me, and celebrating something like that WON'T be on their menus. Much more important things to worry about. Life's too short. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you believe that it is a "bad idea" you must have a reason for it? The excuse that it doesn't affect you immediately is reminiscent of the story:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[b]First They Came for the Jews
First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.


Pastor Martin Niemöller</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish that the ideas we impart of right and wrong were all that mattered in our children's lives, but the world is a huge influence. When they go out into the world that now deconstructs our values and virtues and corrupts the idea of "good", they face an enormous onslaught of "ideas" that are not easy to defend against. College has become a breeding ground for irrationalism and moral subjectivism, instead of its function of higher "thought". TV and radio have become promoters of the lowest form of entertainment possible, not to mention apologists for every violation of human conduct conceivable. This world will affect individuals, for they are the components of it.

These beliefs did not spring up simultaneously, they entered slowly into society through acceptance by a few and apathy of the many.

I agreed completely with your reasoning in your post prior to this (the celebration of "failure"), I respectfully disagree with this followup.

kjb23 and others,

I never expected to be divorced (and I'm still married), but I'm looking forward a bit, and realize that there is a very lonely time ahead.

A houseful of folks wishing me well, would be a very welcome thing. It wouldn't be a celebration - more like a funeral. I think that's something I could use - a gathering of friends to acknowledge a profound loss and show respect and concern for the survivors.

-AD

Gathering support from friends and family is one thing but hiring someone to plan a full-on party to celebrate the divorce is just plain wrong. I feel like I am grieving the death of the soul of a man I did fall in love with and marry...do I want to celebrate this...h*ll no! I went through 10 months of feeling sad, depressed, rejected, and confused and definitely relied on the support of friends and family but I was in no mood to party or even think about bringing another man into the picture. Now, nearly a year later, I am finally able to wake up each day, feel confident about who I am and what good I deserve for my future with respect to a man. I have not dated but am starting to mingle more and look at that possibility.

-K