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tqt - <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you say that none of your family knows anything about this(?) I think that's not a good thing, but... They - even one family member -- could be VERY helpful. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some of my family knows (which means that probably every cousin down to the fourth removed actually does) I have one brother who could NEVER stand my wife - even refused to go to my wedding (we were roommates at the tims) who just says "See, I told you, fool" At least he's offered the retatiner fee for the lawyer...... David
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I would not give her a single petal from those roses. They are at your place and she is gone. They are yours now. Let OM get her roses for her to plant. Sorry, but it makes me mad how they just want a piece of everything they can have like they deserve it. Grrr!
<small>[ February 23, 2005, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: love of a lifetime ]</small>
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Hey David,
If you're around this evening, check in and give us an update, would ya?
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I'll be here - am surrounded with some great support right now, so will be a while......
David
(Today was very hard)
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The roses are embedded in the family's home ground. It is part of the home and should remain there. If she wants roses, she can go to Home Depot or some other place and get new ones. They won't have the beauty or memories as the one's at home but then again she doesn't have that in her place or with the OM anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Let us know how you are doing. R U over the flu yet?
L.
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You feel like stomping on the roses and tell WS to hell with it but that is not being loving. Do you want WS back or not? If yes then you still have to maintain some kindness in your plan B. Plan B said no contact but plan B does not mean becoming mean acting out your hurt and anger. Just my humble opinion. TM WS...tell her she can take the roses...but dont get drag into any conversation...make it short and simple. If she replies and rambles more about it...dont reply until get feed back from here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid: <strong> The roses are embedded in the family's home ground. It is part of the home and should remain there. If she wants roses, she can go to Home Depot or some other place and get new ones. They won't have the beauty or memories as the one's at home but then again she doesn't have that in her place or with the OM anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Let us know how you are doing. R U over the flu yet? L. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Orchid No, I don't want to give up my home, or the gardens that have taken so long to create. In my feverish and addicted mind, I've had a hard time separating things - are they hers, mine, ours - and I've lost a lot of stuff because of that. This 'home' is as empty as a hotel room. And that's how my heart feels. I'm over the flu, but I assume this shock/withdrawal thing it going to affect me about as badly for some time. Nothing seems the same, and every morning I wake up the same way - reach over to touch her - nothing there. It's been almost a month since she's been gone and everyday it feels like it just happened. I am having to re-do some of my Plan B - there is still too much contact for me - even knowing she is coming over for the kids hurts. Knowing she is dropping them off hurts. She still has piles of clothing and books here that I can't touch - it feels like going near poison. Every morning I wake up so depressed I can barely function. Yesterday, God was kind enough to put a friend from MB in touch with me via IM -- total surprise. but it actually saved my life. I was heavily thining of something very foolish. I'm a little ashamed of myself - but ithelped me thru it - even tho that person didn't know till later last night. It was a very thoughtful thing for to do, and I cannopt express my gratitude enough. Today is going to be a really hard one because I didn't do a thing yesterday but go for a walk - the house is a wreck and WW is coming over to get the kids - if I don't get it cleaned, I know it will be used as some sort of weapon against me later. So, no, I'm not ok - this is very hard to get thru. Everyone's comments have been very helpful, and I rely on them - maybe too heavily, but I don't feel the 'strength' that I'm somehow supposed to have. Thanks David
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She still has piles of clothing and books here that I can't touch - it feels like going near poison. Pack up all her stuff and all photographs of WS away...that was the first thing i did when i went into plan B... Tighten your boundaries...dont be there when WS drop off kids if you must...plan B is for you to get better... During the first 3 weeks of plan B, I still had contact for daughter's sake because i thought i could handle it. Later i felt like you did...even that smallest contact was still hurtful and pulling me back into that dark pit so i implement even tighter boundaries until it was almost completely dark...no sight no sound. Only after 3 months of that then i got better. Now after 1 year i am okay with some contact and it does not feel painful as before. I am in that point where i can move on without feeling bitter or angry towards my WH anymore. You cannot rush the healing process...it takes sometime...boundaries will help you and sticking to plan B... Dont worry...you will get to where i am too...when you reach here...life is happy again...you still want WS but you dont need them anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Have a battle cry...example I can live without WS...I am done with WS etc etc...keep saying this to yourself everytime you feel down.
Also stop the thoughts by telling yourself STOP...just say STOP whenever the thoughts comes...or challenge yourself...5 minutes no thinking about WS or OM...and improve on from there on...10 minutes...15 minutes...at the same time keep busy...
Hope it helps.
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zizzy - I don't see how you can handle it a year. Looks like a long way off to me, and the way she's talking, it'll be many years - she has plans for things that could not possibly include me. 'Course, that may have changed since we 'quit' contact but I have to be honest - I can't go a year. There isn't that much love here. I doubt it will grow the longer she is out of my life.
Maybe I'll make it a year - I dunno.
David
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David ... every day you wake up is another chance for you to breathe and to survive and to thrive.
Pep
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Something that helped me in Plan B was fixing up the house the way I wanted it. I was OK with it the way it was before, but changing it to be different WITHOUT getting anybody's approval (well, other than my son) gave me a feeling of empowerment. I ripped out the family room carpet and put down some really gorgeous Brazilian Cherry. This kept me busy for awhile. Pounding those nails also worked out some frustrations. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I got to take control of the laundry. I got to select normal, delicate, or permanent press. Hot, warm, or cold. Same with the dryer: hot, "normal" or "cool." (Why can't the washer and dryer makers get together and at least adopt the same nomenclature????) Wow, the control I had was sobering.
I hadn't felt this much freedom since I stopped wearing underwear.
Dishes? HA!! Let's see how many I can get packed into one dishwasher load! Out of dishwasher soap? No problem - this laundry detergent outta do just fine. (Don't try this.)
Cooking? Every meal can be prepared on the grill - doesn't matter if it's snowing or not.
Rearrange the furniture the way I want it. Get out those big 'ol speakers I bought way back in college. Turn up the bass.
Plan B has good along with the bad. In fact, it's mostly good - once you decide it is.
WAT
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Eat, drink, wash, fold.
<small>[ February 24, 2005, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>
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David....Hug those babies. MY DD 10 says don't worry Mommy, you have so many people that love you, especially me. Hug them and give praise for gifts from God. Children, life, Roses and friends. And remember "This too shall pass" I am praying for you.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry: <strong> Something that helped me in Plan B was fixing up the house the way I wanted it. I was OK with it the way it was before, but changing it to be different WITHOUT getting anybody's approval (well, other than my son) gave me a feeling of empowerment.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THAT, I'm working on, bit by bit. I'm hanging my own landscapes - WW never liked them (too much color) Trying to reconfigure furniture. (What's left of it) Ugh. <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got to take control of the laundry. I got to select normal, delicate, or permanent press. Hot, warm, or cold. Same with the dryer: hot, "normal" or "cool." (Why can't the washer and dryer makers get together and at least adopt the same nomenclature????) Wow, the control I had was sobering.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Haven't figured that one out yet - it all gets washed in cold. Got in too much trouble shrinking WW's clothes in warm to feel comfotable with that one yet (= <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dishes? HA!! Let's see how many I can get packed into one dishwasher load! Out of dishwasher soap? No problem - this laundry detergent outta do just fine. (Don't try this.)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTDT -- also helps you scrub the entire Kitchen floor..... <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B has good along with the bad. In fact, it's mostly good - once you decide it is. WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gotta get there, I guess. David
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Break out the 2x4s - I did it again.
I can't keep my big mough shut, I can't stay dark. Might as well paint a big G**D***** sign "KICK MME HERE" on various parts of my body.
It's NOT EASY when the kids are involved, and HER stupid fog has me so confused I still can't tell up from down.
Geez. Well, tomottor is another day. Maybe I can just stay out of the way. I'm gonna go crazy before this is over.
David
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David, you ok?
What happened?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tqt:
<strong> David, you ok?
What happened? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Had to open my big mouth and tell her how much I was hurting, and that I hoped she never ever had to go thru this. She came back with, "Well, I am going thru it right now" (whatever that meant) and then she wanted to know why she wasn't allowed in my house. I told her the letter explained it all, it all came back to me being the selfish p***** that I alays have been, can't think of anything but 'me'. I said, 'And the kids'....
And she goes, "We'll see about that...."
I just can't stay out of it. I went into the kitchen when she came by to pick up the kids - they had all their stuff ready to go by the door, I told them to move it ASAP when she showed up.
She just barged in and walkied into the kitchen and started looking for some pan or something - didn't say a word, just grabbed some sort of useless dish (destined for the dump anyway) and walked out.
But for a damned addict, those hits can't possibly help.
That's what happened. I'm an idiot. (Ooops - sorry CJ - you can kick me) - I just can't learn....
David
<small>[ February 24, 2005, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She just barged in and walkied into the kitchen and started looking for some pan or something - didn't say a word, just grabbed some sort of useless dish (destined for the dump anyway) and walked out.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm shaking my head... exact same thing my WW did. About 12 times.
I think there's so much friggin' Guilt and Shame, on top of all the other crap that's sloshing around in their brain, as they do this "Exit Stage Left" thing... I can only imagine the... to be nice... the Turmoil... they are in.
You are the sane one, David... don't forget that. Hang tough, bro'... ya gotta!
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Oh, you're right tqt - just is so danged confusing. I have to hide in my own house somewhere so I don't see my wife - sheesh. And I know she understands the letter - she wanted to do it when she moved out so that she would have time 'for herself'.
Shouldn't be that hard to do now. I had the kids ready and everything laid out next to the danged door - all I had to do was hug the kids and send 'em off, and she knew it.
Arg.
Gotta get ready for work....be nice to get back after 4 days off.
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Whoa! You sound a lot stronger/better already. See how easy this is? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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