Well,I haven't been this mad in a long time but...I can thank my STBXH for that.My sweet,sweet young daughter was SO proud of herself tonight.She ate 6 whole leaves of fresh spinach which is a big deal for her.She has had issues with vegetables before and she has made a great effort to eat more.She used to cry and cry and now she is such a trooper doing her best.

So,she calls my WH to tell him about how proud she is and excited.And,of course,he is not at his apartment or on his cell.Then he forgets to call the girls to say good night.My youngest smiles at me and is so loving trying to be brave and strong but I can see in her eyes,the disappointment and sadness that he doesn't share in her life like he used to.It truly breaks my heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And this is from a man who "claims" that his children are/have been his priority.

Remind me again why the homewrecker should still be allowed to live and make my WH "happy"????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Grrrr

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My youngest smiles at me and is so loving trying to be brave and strong but I can see in her eyes,the disappointment and sadness that he doesn't share in her life like he used to.It truly breaks my heart.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My heart is aching for you, O. Same stuff happens here. But look what you just wrote.

The kid IS smiling. The kid IS trying to be brave and strong. The kid KNOWS the score. KNOWS the deal.

A damn divorce or separation, a broken family, it really hamstrings the little ones. But I have to believe Rom 8:28, O.

I have to believe they will survive. And learn. And see. And know. And I think they will. I am gritting my teeth and waiting for the "If only you and mommy stayed together..." They are kids, after all.

You can't change him. You can't make it better. There are some things only a father can give a daughter. All you can do is LOVE HER.

It is OK to hurt. It is OK to be angry with him. And it is OK to TELL HIM. But DON'T TELL THE GIRL. She is too young to understand. She will intuitively know. Explain it to her when she is older, BEFORE she says HER vows.

Rom 8:28. God will turn it to good, we just have to let him.

Boy. I am really with you on this one. It is truly, truly sad.

NCW

I know how frustrateing it is when your WS lets the kids down. We can deal with it when it is our own feelings- it hurts but we can deal- when it is the kids- no holds bars I see red- and it sounds like you do too.

Take a deep breath and praise your daughter- be the mother and the father and let your WS go, he is not worth the air he breaths. I hate it when the kids are blown off for their "SOUL MATE" Puke, gag, hurl.

Sorry that is a trigger for me.

Please hang in there. What a good feet your daughter accomplished!! How old?

That sucks.....my DD10 gets disappointed when she can't reach her Dad either, but she's shows disappointment as annoyance that is audible in her messages...he always calls her back, I think he's afraid not too...chip off the old block, she is.

I am so sorry that she didn't get to tell her Dad about eating the spinach....tell her I said that's such a big girl!!!

He's not using his head.....and I'm sorry for you and for your little one, how old is she?

((((((((((((October))))))))))))

-Caren

OctoberGirl,

You aren't alone. Most all of us have heard the kids are the priority line. Then the WS moves out and starts spending time with another person and hurts the kids beyond belief.

Your child sees what is going on and feels the stabiltiy you are providing. It is ok to be mad though but don't let you child see it.

Remember, you are the strong, stable one. Not him.

Keith

My WH blames me for our kids sadness. He says when they see I am said they know that something isn't right. I guess I am suppose to be stone and no have feelings when I am around them which is pretty much 24/7.

They are disappointed time and time again. Yet he truly believes as long as they know he loves them that is the main thing. Doesn't actions speak louder than words even to children?

Oct I am sorry I can relate to your pain. My children cannot even reach their Dad tonight because he is with the OW and has his cellphone turned off. Guess he really doesn't care if a emergency would pop up or not. But at least they have me here loving them. And I will always have their love and respect.

10Girl,

We all love you here and we are so proud of your daughter. The acts of a lout father can always be negated by the praise of a devoted mom.

Keep the chin up 10Girl.

My WH blames me for our kids sadness. He says when they see I am said they know that something isn't right. I guess I am suppose to be stone and no have feelings when I am around them which is pretty much 24/7.

My WW said the same thing. She said the kids said I looked sad and I needed to put on a "happy face" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I told her it is hard to put on a happy face when your heart has been ripped out and run over. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My WH blames me for our kids sadness. He says when they see I am said they know that something isn't right. I guess I am suppose to be stone and no have feelings when I am around them which is pretty much 24/7. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's pretty standard issue WS bullcrap there...I've gotten that one too....they really should get some new material.

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong>And this is from a man who "claims" that his children are/have been his priority.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When my WW spoke those words I was really optimisitc. Unfortunately they were just words and her actions have been very contrary. It infuriates me to no end and I continue to give her 2nd and 3rd chances to improve the relationship with her kids and all she does is disinegrate it further.

I'm to the point now where I've given up on helping her with her relationship with the kids and will just let the chips fall as they may and pick up the pieces.

Really, really sad and it breaks my heart...

Miker

Hi Folks,

Thank you all so much for your support.I feel a lot better after a night's sleep.I so appreciate you listening to my vent.That's what it was for sure.I have come to know that these acts will still be expected of my STBXWH but when my youngest smiles at me and I KNOW,it's a smile of trying to make ME feel better,to show that she isn't sad inside and is trying to hide it,well,I fume.

ncw,

Yes most of us will survive D but we are scarred.My kids are already scarred and it's something they all,we all,have to live with and it's so....unjust.Ya know? Yes the world isn't fair but it's hard to live with.

And just so you know,I rarely speak of my WH in front of my girls.They do not know how angry I am with him,he is their father and they love him.I would never want them to have an altered image of him from me.That will come in time when they are older and realize how they came second.They will decide what kind of relationship they want with him when they as adults.I will not interfere.I am loving my girls SOOO much.I have to try and fill that void right now they are missing from their dad.Lots of love,love,love each and every day! Thanks for your post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KMEJ,

Thanks for responding to me.I can take anything my WH hits me with now.It bounces off,99% of the time.But my daughters,my beloved daughters,that's another story.Yes,we are alike in that we see red.Blazing red when it comes to them hurting!

The very nature of why my WH fails to keep his relationship going with his girls is what makes me fume.No he is not bedridden from some major illness,he has access to all kinds of communication so that's not a problem,we are not on different time lines where he might forget the time change.It's all about the homewrecker.And that is NO excuse.I am hanging in there,thanks to people such as yourself who care.BTW,my youngest is 10 and SO adorable.Aren't they all? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Caren,

You have had your share of turmoil lately and you took the time to post to me.Thank you very much.My daughter doesn't show her disappointment to her dad when he calls or is with her.She is so in need of love and attention from him she acts like the model child when he is around.So,of course he thinks everything is just FINE when he sees the girls like this.

In fact,they just are so afraid of losing what little time they have now,they are afraid to do anything wrong or express themselves to him because he doesn't like that.See? In a way I wish they would tell him how poorly they feel, then he might actually take a moment and realize what he is really putting them through.Right now he is still living in the world of "everything will turn out ok" land.Anyway,I do my best to counteract what pain they are feeling.My youngest girl is 10 y.o.

Keith,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.Yes,my story is so like everyone elses.We all have our share of common issues here.Like I mentioned before,I do not let my children see my anger.I have shielded them from most of what I am going through internally.I do talk to them about choices and inapproprite behavior,even when it comes to my WH.Like not calling last night for bedtime or this morning even though he knows they are home this week for school vacation.

I do make a huge effort to maintain stability in my home but I will not let my WH get off scott free either.The kids need to know what is and isn't proper parenting behavior(and other behavior) and if my WH's acts hurt my children,then we talk about it.They need to be validated in what they are feeling and I am there to ensure that.Thanks for your support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maryland lady,

Well I don't have to tell you about the disappointment our WS's give us and our children,especially you and a brand new baby.Actions DO speak louder than words and it's what I have followed all along.Yes love is very important to children but so are ACTIONS.Love,to me,isn't always enough.It is what you SHOW that is equally or maybe even more important.Love is a verb right? Thank you so much for taking the time to support me.I am sorry your WH is still seeing the homewrecking OW.Didn't I read that you were in MC? I guess I should go back and catch up with your story.Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> again.

Cy,

My dear MB friend.How are you these days? You haven't posted an update lately.You should.Many here are wondering how you are.I hope you are right,that all I am doing at home with my girls will wipe out all the negative things my WH is doing and not doing.I can only hope and pray.That is the driving force in my life right now.My girls need me more than ever and I am making my best effort to be everything to them in the face of this awful mess.Thank you so much for posting to me,I really appreciate it.

BTW,I saw Nature on the Recovery board several weeks ago.I think,last time I heard,he was in some kind of recovery with his WW and was thinking about whether or not to move to where his WW lives.I do hope things work out for him.Anyway,I am glad you checked in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Miker,

I can hear your pain with regards to your WW.That is why I filed for a D.I could no longer hear the same old spiel from my WH.His actions did not back up what he was saying and each time it was more painful to hear.More disappointment and sadness.I felt like he was torturing me.He would dangle some promise in front of me only to betry me and the kids over and over again.I had enough.

Yes,our WS's do have a responsibility to their children but they fail.It's no wonder though.If they are in selfish mode,nobody matters as much but themselves and their OP's.Yuk.I am starting to feel very sorry for these poor souls who are making the biggest mistakes of their lives.

I am constantly sweeping up the pieces of our shattered lives but,the floor is much cleaner now and we are well on our way to being a much closer and happier family depsite what my WH put us through.I think,there are more happy times than sad because of how I am acting in front of my girls and if they see me,their mom,suriving,then they can do it too.We cannot change other's and we cannot change how they have hurt us but we can control the outcome.We can make the choice to have fuflilling lives and not always live under the pain and suffering our WS's put on us.We climb out of the rubble to live again.I am determined to be happy once more and for my girls to thrive.Those are my goals.You hang in there now.You WILL be ok no matter what.Keep telling yourself that.I did.Thank you so much for responding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all for taking the time to post.I am happy to report that my anger subsides much faster now.It used to take me days to calm down but I have worked hard at Meditation(mental) and dealing with my anger and revenge thoughts to the homewrecker.It's paid off.

I have come a long way and it wouldn't be nearly as close if it weren't for all the great support and care of everyone here.You should all be proud to be helping other's in your own time of need.If that isn't a mark of a truly special person,I don't know what is.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

10Girl,

I don't know if you had read my bizarre position of finding that my WW had been married previously and also had previously been pregnant. Confronted with the question she has told her attorney that she had not been previously married. Now this seems to contradict several friends that say her and her alleged husband were a couple and were living/loving/ functioning as man and wife. I also have heard second hand statements from her " alleged" husband that not only acknowledged the marriage and the supposed subsequent divorce, but also as to his bitterness at also being a cuckold. These statements were made to friends and without solicitation. My marriage/divorce records search proceeds unabated.

At the same time my mother continues to deteriorate and has been in and out of ICU three times in the last month.

I am still having a very hard time accepting the fact that the two most important woman, indeed people, in my life will leave me simultaneously.

I wake up every morning with this double sword of Damocles hovering over my bed.

Oh well, as my friends are wont to say, at least there are no children.

Cy,

Yes,I remember discussing with you the "fact" that your WW was previously married but no,not the pregnancy.That is another new one for me.I am sorry that you have not found any definitive proof one way or the other.I am sure that must be frustrating to you.

Regarding your mother,I am very sorry to hear about her poor health.Was there any news on the possible misdiagnosis? In any event,I am sure this is very difficult for you.I wish there were something more uplifting to say but alas,there isn't at a time like this.You and your family,as many other's,are in my prayers.

I don't know if not having children is better while going through this or not.I can honestly say that having children has given me purpose in life and their love and my love for them has strengthened me like no other.I would imagine each person feels differently depending on their circumstances.

Thanks for the update.Stay strong and don't overwork yourself.

O

10Girl,

Mom was supposed to travel out to California before her recent ICU stays. That has been put on hold. I have gotten an appointment at a large Ohio Clinic Neuro/ALS section but I have hopes that she will be strong enough to travel sometime in the future. I had my first understandable conversation with her this past Saturday and it was pure joy for me. She had not been able to converse with me for a while. I am trying to get her a videophone so that by watching her lips I might be able to have a more meaningful conversation with her.

As I tell my brother( who is doing quite well after his near fatal work accident) and sisters; we need to treasure every day we have with mom.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong>
The kids need to know what is and isn't proper parenting behavior(and other behavior) and if my WH's acts hurt my children,then we talk about it.They need to be validated in what they are feeling and I am there to ensure that.Thanks for your support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</strong>

I absolutely agree. What I think I've finally discovered is making communication open and let them come to you is key instead of pushing our own agenda down their throats. I've really struggled with how and what to say, and now I think its best if I let the kids initiate and then *try* to keep my cool and be honest with them. So far so good. They have been very open with me, so I am a blushing, proud father!

<strong>
I am constantly sweeping up the pieces of our shattered lives but,the floor is much cleaner now and we are well on our way to being a much closer and happier family depsite what my WH put us through.I think,there are more happy times than sad because of how I am acting in front of my girls and if they see me,their mom,suriving,then they can do it too.We cannot change other's and we cannot change how they have hurt us but we can control the outcome.We can make the choice to have fuflilling lives and not always live under the pain and suffering our WS's put on us.We climb out of the rubble to live again.I am determined to be happy once more and for my girls to thrive.Those are my goals.You hang in there now.You WILL be ok no matter what.Keep telling yourself that.I did.Thank you so much for responding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</strong>
Your goals very much express where I want to go with this. Some days are better than others so its good to hear I'm not the only one that thinks that way. Sometimes you begin to think the whole world is immoral and screwed up, but talking to good people quickly restores your faith.

I really don't want to dwell on WW but just as I'm moving along with my life, doing great, she ends up doing something more to screw things up worse. So I keep cutting more ties... I'm getting close to having absolute minimal ties right now. Then I'm *hoping* that I'll be isolated as much as possible from her path of destruction and she'll back off and let us live our life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Glad you are feeling back like your optomistic self. Sounds like you are doing a great job with your girls. I'm sure they'll be grateful and really appreciate it when all is said and done. That's all we can hope for!

All the best,

Miker

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>