Saw this from you on dewt's thread and didn't want to jack it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know, when my H was foggy, I didn't understand it, either. BUT, when it came down to 1)not having him in my life at all, or 2)having him in my life as a friend only, I realized that I loved him, and I would take him any way I could. Because, in my heart, he would always be my H, he would ALWAYS be the father of my kids.

And when we first came back together again, it was as friends, it was as life partners, it was as a team. The romance, M, came later.

But, every sitch is different.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you saying that after the A ended, you and your husband were "just friends?" I mean, not intimate, for the sake of the marriage and kids for a time?

What if the A's kept happening? Could you be friends then because he is the father of your children? Or would that have been a deal breaker?

I guess what I am asking is after all the "mess" I am inferring that you two had a lack of intimacy, or were uncomfortable with it for a time, and then it returned in the marriage. Was the unfaithful behavior still continuing during this "regrowth" of intimacy between you two, or was it stopped?

NCWalker

bumping up for SS (hi SS)

(hi NCWalker, thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess what I am asking is after all the "mess" I am inferring that you two had a lack of intimacy, or were uncomfortable with it for a time, and then it returned in the marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, as with us all here, my sitch was unique in a couple ways: 1)the A was with my former best friend (FBF), and 2)she dumped my FWH the day that he confessed it to me (while in the ER because he had a nervous breakdown).

After D-day, my H went to a halfway house for 5 days, then stayed with his parents. It soon became clear he DIDN'T want to come home, so we got him a little apartment by our house (and OW/FBF's house ~ I didn't know the A was over for a long time, as I didn't believe anything that either one of them told me).

So, for 3 months, my H chased after the OW/FBF, who got herself another BF fast, to cover her tracks. She was very worried about being labeled a HomeWrecker in our small community, if it ever got out (which it did with exposure). She is a single mother of 2, and her in-home daycare business relies a lot on her reputation.

Anyway, my H was lost to himself. He was in a horrible place. And he kept saying he just wanted to be friends, that I was the best friend he had ever had, blah blah blah. Finally, I realized, my H DID need a friend at that time of his life. He didn't need me as his W, telling him how much he was hurting me and the kids, etc.

He needed to know first that no matter what he chose to do or not do, I was going to be OK. For that reason, and because I knew I needed to prepare myself for either Plan B or Plan D, I began working on that. Once my happiness was not dependent on him anymore, the crushing guilt lifted from him, and he bagan working on his own issues. He has told me several times that this was one of the best gifts I have ever given him.

Second, I realized that I still loved him. In my heart, I thought he would always be my H, even if he D'd me. Because I did marry him for my entire life, that was still MY belief. And if it wasn't his anymore, then I had to accept that. I had to accept that to some degree, the way my H feels about me does affect the way I feel about him. If he only wanted to be friends, that is all I could extend to him. I had read several times here on MB, success stories, where the WS gets to a point where they need a friend so badly, to discuss the OP with. And several times, that friend ends up being the BS.

I did that for my H. I listened to him cry on the phone for this OW/FBF that dumped him. I listened to him comparing my love for him, with his love for her. It was very painful, but I realized that I wanted my boys to have a happy healthy father in their lives, and I was the only one he had to go to. I realized that our relationship began as friends, and if that is how it had to be, the so be it.

My H and I didn't get romantic until he had decided to come home and work on the M actively. We were in MC. I am SOOO grateful we took those extra weeks to come back together as friends. I see so many couples become romantic before both partners are sure they want the M, and I think it can cause such hurt feelings ~ on top of feelings that are already raw.

So, to sum it all up, we were friends even after the A had died. We didn't become romantic until we were sure we BOTH wanted to work actively on rebuilding the M ~ with the help of a very good trained professional.

And we have had no "lapses." NC was NC here, neither FWH nor OW/FBF have attempted to contact each other. We see her occassionally, as we all still live in the same community. We don't talk, we don't look at each other. My H has no spark left for her, and their R looks totally different to him now, almost 1 year later (he moved back home 4/1/04).

Honestly, I would HOPE I could have been strong enough to just be his friend for the kids' sake, if it had come to that. If for no other reason, than to make my kids' lives as normal and stable as possible. They went through he!! during the separation, and seeing that kind of pain in your children can really motivate you to do more than you thought you were capable of doing ~ for them.

If I totally missed your point or question, please rephrase and I'll attempt again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Spidey

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

NC & SS,
It sounds like what’s being described by SS is the simple re-affirmation of a mature person’s approach to a relationship. And we all know that relationships take place on many different levels at different times. Even more to the point, they are effected by outside influences and events outside of our personal control. Given that this is true, I would guess that the judgment one makes in trying to maintain a relationship is determined strictly by the value we place on the other person; or if we are not who we might want to be, it might be based on what that other person can bring to us or do for us.

I think that what’s important to remember is that good people often do bad things yet, we value them in spite of those “bad things” that they do because we see something in them that warrant a different level of understanding and acceptance. In effect, one might ask themselves, what kind of person am I if I stop loving or caring for a person because they do some thing hurtful or damaging to me or that I simply disapprove of?

I always believed that to love is a choice that I make and in that I’m free to make that choice, I’m also free to choose to not have a person that I love, be in my life any longer. Loving some one demands only that we accept and care “in spite of “ as well as “because of.” It doesn’t demand that we allow a person to be in our life when they commit hurtful acts that negatively affect us.

Coach

Thank you, coach. You always have such a GREAT way with explaining stuff that seems overwhelming to me. Your last paragraph summed up my thoughts on M and infidelity, and I think I'll copy and paste it onto my hard drive to share with other posters who are struggling.

Thanks again for your time.

Spidey

SS & Coach.

Thanks. I really mean that.

What SS said kind of shook me in my situation a bit and confused me. Hearing her thought process and Coach's advice helped me sort it out.

Thanks again.

NCWalker