Caren,

Do you have mass transit where you are? I have saved myself 50-70 bucks a month taking the bus.
So should your DD19. And don't your kids have a school bus they can take? I can't imagine a 80 Bonneville is getting get mileage. Not sure where you live but I would think your WH should be providing at least $250 a month for DD10. Personally I am not sure what saving your marriage will do at this point. You should at least get some temporary orders in place for child custody and child support.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> I'm sorry, I worded that wrong, I meant I can't worry about the daily details constantly everyday...or I'd go crazy...I know I don't have enough money to fricken make it. I took $700.00 my 1/2 of the income tax and put it towards back rent.

THEY WON'T LET ME GO BACK TO WORK!!!!! THEY WON'T RELEASE ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Who are they and what do they suggest you do until you are "released? Do they advocate that you get thrown into the street?

I work at a hospital, and it isn't enough money to make it on my own,

Bingo..right there is your answer..you do not make enough maney to make it on your own.


the principle behind getting this job was to get my foot in the door for when I got my nursing degree....well I haven't been to school for like 6 months, I tried, I can't concentrate.....I got this job when I was still with WH, and he lowered the boom on me within a month after I'd gotten my job.

Unnecessary, with a degree you don't need your foot in the door, find a higher paying job or a second source of income. Factories are not a bad chjoice and often have excellent insurance. Any in your area?

I don't know what *extravagant* purchases I've made that you're talking about noodle. Since living here I have bought 5 pairs of new underwear, 2 new bras, a vacuum cleaner because I didn't have one, 30 dollar make up and a couple books.....Oh and 2 used tires for my car....what purchases are you talking about?!?! I went to the movies Saturday...that is once in 6 months.

OK, let's look closely here..it's not the BIG extravagances..it's the little things..it's called soda popping your money away.

You have cable and internet..yes? Not a necessity. You have a cell phone..not a necessity. Where I am at..these three things add up to about 200 a month CONSERVATIVELY.

Of course you need underwear..that is basic upkeep..but you also bought some camisols on impulse..anything bought on impulse is probably a bad idea..you need to KNOW and CHOOSE carefully where your pennies go.

I think I may have spent $250 dollars total on myself since I've lived here...MAYBE, and 50 of that was tires for the car because one blew out and the other one was ready to...I literally got steel belt splinters from touching the tire.

Of course you need tires for your car. My intention is not to attack you, but to help you learn to distinguish between an asset and a liability..this has CLEARLY been an issue..prior to Hs A..and is now manifesting some really unpleasant consequences. When it rains it pours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Could I afford the 30 dollar make up? Probably not, but I decided that for once I would buy something for myself....that's apparently not the right decision either....people kept telling me to do a little something for me, it'd make me feel better...so I did....now I feel guilty.

I am a far harsher judge than most, admittedly. I don't believe that buying some trinket when your entire LIFE has gone down the toilet has the power to make you feel anything more than momentary pleasure..worse it trains you to seek that out as a solution.

I think what DOES have the power to ward off that despair is to make real and lasting changes. I would LOVE to see you back in school, I think you should make it a goal.

I bought a 50 dollar sweeper...(I'm including that in my extravagent purchases) because I didn't have a sweeper..and I'd put off buying one for 6 months!

All the underwear including the bras totalled about 40 or 50 dollars, I think...the bras were like maybe 15 dollars a piece...but, I only had one bra, and it had broken, and I'd kept sewing it back together.

You should come and see my extravagantly decorated house and my extravagant wardrobe...I own 3 pairs of jeans, Oh I'm sorry 5 pairs but 2 pairs are 3 sizes too big. I have a really nice couch, it has a big fricken hole in the cushion, I keep trying to patch up. My kids sleep on a mattress on the floor, I don't even have a kitchen table. I drive a really extravagant car my Dad GAVE me, it's a 1980-something Bonneville.

I am not suprised at all that you are living in a neglected state..going without the bigger purchases in life..it is a very VERY common symptom that impulse buying is a factor.

I have my computer...but I've had it for 2 years. I guess I could sell it.

Why? It wouldn't fix anything to do so..and then you would be without one for those college classes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What is needed is for you to find a way to get steady on your feet..to stop the hemorrhage and then get to work on the cancer. The cancer has been a long term problem..probably a source of significant stress in your marriage..the hemorrahge is the immediate crisis.

Noodle

-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sorry my posts are overlapping other people posting so it looks like I'm not listening, but I am.

I am inbetween churches....I was going to a Bible Baptist Church, and am currently thinking about going back to my original church I grew up in...so I'm not a member of either.

I'm going to go over to my Mom's and try to get this phone bill thing straightened out, she'll let me at least use the phone I'm sure. This isn't a pride thing, I have precious little pride left.

I'll be back to post a little later....this will probably take an hour with the lecture I'm going to get about *Crying again*....I'm apparently not supposed to do that and could already be OVER this if I wanted to....I just don't want to. (Per my Mom)

-Caren

Okay Caren,

Deep breaths..No phones, not great, but not the end of the world either.

Noodle is right, esp. about the moving in with parents thing and extras. Although I believe you when you say you aren't buying much at all. Don't get upset at noodle - I understand some of what she means. Don't buy kids/you a soda if they/you are not dying of thirst. I used to be real good at being poor, -right now though, I really love to go to the grocery store and not count my pennies. And it doesn't sound like you are extravagent or incompetent at all, there are still ways to cut back and get things straight!

Solutions can include lots of things. When I was a single mom going to college, I took advantage of all government programs, here in my state they have lots of food stamps programs (emergency and other), babysitting $$ (more like pennnies) for single moms going to school, lots of little mostly unknown help... Start checking into these TODAY. Ask your sis to call WH and tell him you have to get that paperwork, or if that doesn't work, you CAN get copies of all those things!! That $5-10 may have to spent.

I also lived with my sister when I was a single-going-to-school-mom. And I did not even own a car for awhile. I took the bus (yuck, I know)and borrowed her car and got rides to baby doctor....

And I don't know how you feel about bars and taverns, but you look cute and that is one of the prime requirements for bartending- and personality, which you DEFINITELY have a great one. I bartended 1-2X a week back then and it is great money. And a good time out, I didn't drink much at all back then either, doesn't matter, still socialized. Age isn't that big of a deal, I am almost 41 and still bartend part-time. There are lots of "dumb" jobs that pay pretty good PT and don't require much/any experience or real knowledge. If you really can't go back to school right now (for financial reasons or emotional, give yourself a small break), find something else, at least part-time FOR NOW!

I know things look bleak now, BTDT. Do what you have to do, but start NOW. CS from WH may take 8 months, but certainly there is something you can do now, legal aid as suggested - at least get all your ducks in a row and get ball rolling. Mixed metaphors, oh well, I hope you know what I mean! Everything cannot be put off at this point, 8 months wait will still be 8 months from 2moro or next month..

Hugs,
JLS

Caren,

You don't have to be a member of the church to ask for help.

Just wherever you have been going recently, or your old church.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

DING DING DING....Just got an eviction notice because I haven't paid February's rent.

I'm officially ******.

-Caren

NOW WHAT?!@?!?! I have no ******* choice do I?? The landlord didn't even knock on the door, he just left if inside the screen door.

I have to at least go talk to WH if not go crawling back there.

NICE REALLY NICE

-Caren

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Caren...
I know you are feeling alone and frustrated...God...I've been there. Please call and find out about Legal Aid. You need to protect yourself and your girls. Don't give your WH another thought. He's out doing what he wants and not thinking about you and your girls. Forget him right now.....take care of YOU!!!!!

The one thing I have learned from all of this is that no one will take care of you...you have to do that...look out for number 1!!! I now know that I can do anything on my own and so can you!
You will make it through and be a stronger person for it! My heart goes out to you....you will be in my prayers.

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>

Hi Caren,
Im a lurker-have been since my dday last June. Someday I will post my story but that is for another day and time.
Here are some suggestions for you, and maybe they will help but maybe they wont.

Have you heard of freecycle? It is basically a free garage sale online. Ppl in your area will post things they no longer want or need and you reply asking if it is still available and if you can pick it up. If you respond first then you can make arrangements to get stuff. I have seen couches, vacuums, tvs, clothes, food all kinds of things offered in my local freecycle group. Find out if your area has one. If so, sign up!!!
Secondly, is there anyway for you to get new copies of your SS cards, birth certificates? Or have someone get them from your wh? I would apply for assistance and find out what you do need so that way you can arrange to get the copies from wh somehow OR get new copies. You may not get alot of assistance but every little helps!
Have you checked local food pantries? Dont feel low or ashamed because they are there for people in all kinds of situations.
Do you have a library card? Go to the library and check out a book called tightwad gazette. It is chock full of ways to stretch everything from money to food.
Do you have share organization? Check into that. You do some volunteering 2 hours a month and you can get a bunch of food for like 20 bucks. Do you have a cap office in your area? Community Action Program? They give away free stuff everyday to low income people. Check that out.
Can you offer babysitting or whatever skills you have where you can be paid for your services? Babysitting, cleaning whatever? Do you know much about computers?
Call your utility companies and tell them what you can pay and see what they can work out. Most utility companies work with you as long as they know when they are getting paid. Make good on your promises and they will work with you.
Do you get the Sunday paper or know someone who does? Get coupons. Use them and find out if any stores in your area double coupons. Go shopping on those days and shop for loss leaders.
Is there anyone you can carpool with for kids going to school? I would find out. That should help save on gas somewhat.
Do you have low income housing in your area? I would apply for it even if it has a waiting list. Often times alot of the ppl above you in the waiting list no longer need it so you can get bumped up further in the list or also just by how desperate your situation is.
Do you have anything of importance to sell? Can you ebay some things?
I strongly suggest checking out books on frugality. The Complete tightwad gazette book is about the size of a big city phonebook and has recipes for everything from food to making your own laundry detergent!!! I cant stress enough to check into this book. It has some really good ideas and ways to make it on a penny pinching budget.
Thats all the ideas I have for now but if I think of others, I will post.

Caren...
I know you are feeling alone and frustrated...God...I've been there. Please call and find out about Legal Aid. You need to protect yourself and your girls. Don't give your WH another thought. He's out doing what he wants and not thinking about you and your girls. Forget him right now.....take care of YOU!!!!!

The one thing I have learned from all of this is that no one will take care of you...you have to do that...look out for number 1!!! I now know that I can do anything on my own and so can you!
You will make it through and be a stronger person for it! My heart goes out to you....you will be in my prayers.

TR is right..no one will take care of you..

but Joe Taxpayer is going to help a little <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Most states have insurance available for low income families at basically no cost..particularly for children..look into that.

Get on welfare and do it now whatever it takes..get those documents.

If DD19 lives with you..then she needs to contribute as much as it takes..even if that means getting a full time job herself and bringing 100% of it to the household. Hey, if the boat is sinking you don't complain about tossing buckets of water.

Caren..it is STILL Feb..so either there is more to this story..or you DO have some wiggle room..he can't evict you on the spot..there is a process just like any other. Talk to him..ask for mercy. If he says no..you are no worse off than you are right now.

Abandon the idea that WS is going to bail you out. This doesn't mean that you don't take legal recourse to encourage [ahem] him to give a damn that his children are going without basic needs being met...it means that you don't rely on him.

Anything that you and H own jointly..force the sale and take the cash. You aren't benefitting from it..and you can't maintain it..so make it liquid.

So, Mom and Dad declined. More is going on there. Has this been an issue in the past? Do they feel that WS is a bad influence on you? Do you make poor decisions when you are with him?

Just take a deep breath..nothing is going to be resolved..or destroyed TODAY. The wolf is most certainly at the door..and he isn't taking your excuses as anything but an ivitation. Time to get tough..seriously.

Tommorrow..make an appointment with a social worker to discuss welfare options..with your Dr to discuss your need to return to work..and pick up some applications from anywhere and everywhere that is hiring and fill 'em out.

Also, I am in full agreement with MM..I DO think Satan is behind a lot of this..but I'd say that he has been laying the tracks for quite some time..and striking because the iron is hot..and because you were beginning to gain some strength and make some really good choices.

Do not despair, do not be fooled. This IS fixable..it is doable.

Noodle

Caren,

Read above posts, lots of good ideas.


I know that you are frustrated and venting, but come out here into Reality Land. You have got to deal with all this!!
Show that WH *******how tough you really are and how much you really don't NEED him. Show yourself how you can do it, even if it sucks for awhile. As long as you are really working all ends, it WILL get better and you will FEEL better. I was actually happy when I was poor, not bout being poor, but in spite of that. And bought myself a pizza or a tan now and then too!!

Caren, I feel as if I know you - this is all hard but doable!!

What would your WH think if you went out and got a bartending/waitress whatever job and showed him that life is continuing, WITHOUT him, you are NOT just waiting around like a needy lil' girl!! And while you're at it, show you .

Come on Caren, get up, make calls, buy a newspaper, go apply for a few piddly jobs, get copies of birth certificates..GET GOING!! ....How 'bout now? Are you gone yet?

JLS

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Caren,

Read above posts, lots of good ideas.


I know that you are frustrated and venting, but come out here into Reality Land. You have got to deal with all this!!
Show that WH ******* how tough you really are and how much you really don't NEED him. Show yourself how you can do it, even if it sucks for awhile. As long as you are really working all ends, it WILL get better and you will FEEL better. I was actually happy when I was poor, not bout being poor, but in spite of that. And bought myself a pizza or a tan now and then too!!

Caren, I feel as if I know you - this is all hard but doable!!

What would your WH think if you went out and got a bartending/waitress whatever job and showed him that life is continuing, WITHOUT him, you are NOT just waiting around like a needy lil' girl!! And while you're at it, show you .

Come on Caren, get up, make calls, buy a newspaper, go apply for a few piddly jobs, get copies of birth certificates..GET GOING!! ....How 'bout now? Are you gone yet?

JLS

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

I have recently taken up with flylady.com and really love it! Yesterday I was reading in the saved stuff and found a very long article about finances....hold on I'm going to go find it...

flylady.com
scroll down past Flying in February header
Past Reinforce your habits
Under the Green Banner that says The Fly Lights
go down 7 bullets to
Table of contents-click on this

on the right side
second box down under Fly Sense: Face your finances
click on last topic-FACE Control Journal

Under the heading it reads "download face control journal"

Do it. It is 47 pages. I browsed it all and it is good! Flylady is sooo nice! She just wants to help and she is soo good at it!

On page 27 there is a worksheet to do to see where your money comes from and where it goes. It would be a good place to start.

You can do this. It looks bleak and probably feels bleaker but it is doable!

I'm not sure I understand why you can't be released for more work hours. Is that per your doctor or your job?

I was thinking you can cut a few things but DO NOT cut your internet! This is your life line and we need your wonderful sense of humor! You are wonderful! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Caren: 1)... does the hospital you work for offer tuition assistance? Most do these days, w/ the nursing shortage they will pay for techs, even housekeepers to get at least an Associate's degree... it is all you need to work as an RN!

2)Also, do they have an Employee Assistance Program? At the very least these programs offer free counseling programs. They may offer temp assitance w/ small loans or emergency shelter.

3) Get assistance ASAP as others said above. You qualify for nearly everything w/ your income and family size. Possibly even section 8 housing.

4) Breathe and move on... you can do this!! I can imagine the temptation to run to him and beat him upside the head is strong, but he put you here, what makes you think he is going to rescue you?

5) Go to any church that you feel even remotely comfortable with. Many have emergency reserves and are willing to help.

When it rains, it pours, trust me, I am in my own deluge right now! You can do this... I am praying for you!

Caren:

You have to go back to work. In the long run it would be better to be involved with something.

You need to cut out unnecessary expenses. When I was young I did quite well without a cell phone or a computer. Those things are unnecessary. It is possible to live a happy life without a cell phone-------- People did for many years!

Time to move to a smaller place. Your rent should be no more than 36% of your gross income.

Go get those food stamps, I am sure you qualify.

Your oldest daughter should get a job and pay you rent.

{{{Caren}}},

You still with us?

O

Oh,

Another option to consider if you DO end up not being able to remain in your current home for one reason or another.

There is such a thing as low income..state provided housing. The cost seems to be reliant on your income..for example..if you made 100 dollars..your rent would be 36 dollars..make sense?

Something like that could really help you to get back on your feet..as by my rough calculations your current rent is using up about 3/4 of your total income. No one could make that work Caren, no amount of coupon clipping will fix that problem.

Noodle

Caren,

Did I not say that you would get hit again? You got on your knees and prayed...and Satan hit back hard?

So, what is the answer? Pull your self up by your bootstraps? Or run back to WH and break Plan B? Or give up?

Listen closely to what I am going to say...dont ever get off your knees! I mean that in a spiritual sense.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you Mortar, thank you everybody. It's just so uphill all the time. I just dropped to my knees and prayed, I told God I can't do this alone, I need him, I can't fight this all by myself, I can't fight Satan all alone. When will it be better? When will it be okay? I try so hard. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right...you cannot fight Satan alone. Do you know, if it werent for God...we would all be in real trouble. Even non-Christians are protected by God. He limits Satan. Because you want to talk about a bad-a%$...Satan is a bad, bad guy. There is no one on this planet that can take him on. He is the second most powerful being in the universe. I have read that even angels (and he was one at one point) have to take him on with more than one at a time.

But, there are rules even for Satan. God says he can only go so far. And for Christians, it is even better because we have Christ in us...and Satan cannot inhabit the same space as God.

The Bible says that we will never get more than we can handle. Do you believe that? With everything going wrong right now...DO YOU BELIEVE THAT???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Faith and Endurance
James1:2 Dear brothers and sisters,* whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. 3 For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. 5 If you need wisdom-if you want to know what God wants you to do-ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do. 9 Christians who are* poor should be glad, for God has honored them. 10 And those who are rich should be glad, for God has humbled them. They will fade away like a flower in the field. 11 The hot sun rises and dries up the grass; the flower withers, and its beauty fades away. So also, wealthy people will fade away with all of their achievements. 12 God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13 And remember, no one who wants to do wrong should ever say, "God is tempting me." God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else either. 14 Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. 15 These evil desires lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. 16 So don't be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights.* Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows. 18 In his goodness he chose to make us his own children by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his choice possession.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you see the bold area? If you do not expect to be victorious, if you do not expect Him to take care of you, if you do not expect Him to answer your prayer...He says He will answer NONE of your prayers. Doubt is a sin. Do not doubt Him.

Caren, stay on your knees. Walk every minute with your mind and spiritual being still on your knees in front of Him. Ask Him continually over and over to have Satan leave...and he will leave. he may come back later (count on it!) But you can get a rest.

God NEVER promised happiness. He promised joy...and there is a world of difference. If you can be joyful in this, even this mess...and keep your eyes on Him at ALL times, every minute...then you will walk out of this victorious.

You see, I was a little off in what I said above. I said in the power catagory, there is God, then Satan, then angels, then man. Not so!! Thanks to Christ dying for us, there is a different pecking order. Now it goes: </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">a Christian following the Lord</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Satan</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Angels</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Man</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You can CHOSE to act like you are on the bottom of the pile...but you are not. With Christ in you, Satan can do NOTHING to you that God does not allow.

So, do you know how to defeat Satan? Stay on your knees!! He said if you ask what the problem is and why you are going thru this, He WILL answer you. So ask. Trust Him. You dont need a pastor or another person to tell you the will of God. You have direct access to Him.

If you were the First Lady and wanted to talk to the President of the United States...would you schedule an appointment and then wait outside of his office until they called you in? Or would you walk boldly in there and make your request? Well, as a Chriatian, it says you can walk boldly up to God and ask Him...tell Him how you feel...and tell Him you will follow Him no matter what.

Caren, you are a strong woman. But what I dont think you quite fathom yet is just how strong you are. There is something deep inside you that makes this problem NOTHING!! The question is...do you believe that?

I am betting that at the end of these thirty days, if you will listen and follow God...that this eviction and whatever else comes your way, will be used for your good. It may be forcing you to move in the direction God wants you to go. And God knows you wouldnt have moved on your own. So, he had to burn some bridges behind you to keep you moving.

Dont look at this as a problem. Look at it as an opportunity. Let Him tell you what to do...let Him guide you. You may not feel it right now Caren, but I can see His hand all over you. Dont quit on what He is having you do right now. Dont quit on your Plan B. Dont quit on yourself.

Come on girl...Satan will tell you lies that you cant do this, that it is too tough. Darn right it is too tough...for you. And Satan put it there in front of you. So, tell him to go away!! Did you see the Passion? Remember the scene where Jesus is praying to God and Satan is talking to Him and saying his lies? what was Jesus doing? Praying. Ignoring Satan. He can be irrelevent if you want him to be.

You are good forever...you have eternity before you. Satan's future is assured also. So, look at this and say "Nice try..." And walk in faith and the assuurance of who you are!!

In His arms.

Hey Caren,

Hope you're out doing something PROductive.

Just want you to know that I/we are rooting for you and this is a subject near and dear to my heart as well.I was raised poor and then when single mon, did not get CS until D was 3 1/2, and I was out of school - did get some atate aid for a time though-!

And I know that if I ever went Plan B or D, I would have to STRUGGLE also. But that's all it is Caren, a struggle that you can get out of!!

And again, there are lots of "dumb" jobs that you could probably get - even before the Dr. releases you, if it won't really effect you long-term. I wanted to tell you that i have horses and lots of stables, private owners also, will hire you for cleaning and odd jobs. Not that this is something you mite want to do, but I pay a teen well for a small time-wise amount of work (it is WORK). Just saying that there are a lot of little stupid ways to make money (no, not that way) that you probably don't even know about!!

Let us know how you are doing.
JLS