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Joined: Dec 2002
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Thanks for asking about me.

I am doing great!!

Just came back from lunch with FWH! He brought me presents of plants to decorate my office.

I started working FT once discovering that my H was having an A. You see, Caren, I decided I had to be able to take care of myself. I have remained in this job and love it. ALthough, I think H would much rather for me to stay home now and take care of him. He needs lots of attention! If your H is anything like mine, try to enjoy your time alone. It may be the only time that you get to spend alone.

I think there's a good chance of RECOVERY for you if you can follow the MB system.

Try to struggle through PLAN B and learn to take care of yourself.

Off to a meeting... Will check back with you a little later....

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Hi Caren,

I loved your post last nite about your pain, but tell it to get it's own username, if it wants to stay. Hi Caren's pain, meet jls' pain, it's also lonely and needs friends. I often shuffle my pain aside and it comes out with a vengeance, angry and teary and all over the place - messy. But you know what Caren, it does have to have some recognition. We all (me, esp.) need to be a little more in tune with all of our feelings - hence the AOs and nervous breakdowns.. I am in tune with those two all too well.

About AOs, esp. in response to an A, so what, I say. I am not saying that it is alright to yell, kick and scream, but anger has it's place in the scheme of things, esp. an A. What human (and a lot of non-humans) WOULDN'T get angry when someone lies and cheats, esp. a spouse, who took a vow to not only not do these things, but to be there for you when others did!!!!! I'm a little bit sick (but prozac helps) , no really, of the whole no AO, no LB thing. It's a pretty dang big LB to have an A!!! Yeah, you guys are absolutely right, it would be best to be logical and not LB back - intellectually I know this and you know this. But for goodness sake, we are all just HUMAN! And look Caren, you didn't even do anything (A) and how did your WH respond about that male friend. Pretty darn stupid, huh.

We were all shocked when finding out about A, therefore excuses are not necessary for dumb things in response to that. I really believe that acting stupidly at that point is a completely reasonable reaction to an unreasonable situation.
WS don't get this, you can call it "fog" or whatever, but I call it irrational rationalization and that in itself is maddening. The BS is caught completely off guard, while the WS knows all along exactly what is going on. And then the BS is blamed for acting out on the newfound "knowledge" that makes no sense to them and seems to take away all their control (not just seems to, but does for at least a short time)!!

Are we all control freaks, no, but we all need to have some control over our own lives. And that Caren is what you need to do now (Mimi is so right) TAKE CONTROL over your OWN life.

AOs and LBs aside, who cares about that right now. Of course you are going to get irrational sometimes, you are dealing with someone who is acting irrational. Take control of you - THAT is what Plan B is about, maybe it should be called Plan C!!! Your WH doesn't care ENUF about you or kids right now - so you have to care about you. And you know what - I think that you are great, spilling your guts all over the place ( I am not cleaning it up tho, Domestic is not my strong suit either) and trying to take responsibility for your actions and then for his too.

You are really strong, you just don't know how strong yet. Like most women I know (sorry guys), you will do what you need to do. [breaking into " I am women, hear me roar..I am invincible..la la" ] When it comes down to it, you will do whatever you need to do to survive!! [You csn sing along to "I will survive" if ya' want]

And now that I can't finish this tangent I went off on, I'll just pretend like I got something important to do and get going now..

Bye, Gotta go now,

jls

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Mimi-

Glad to hear that you're doing so well. I know that alot of you in recovery probably don't get asked enough how you're doing, and you are always so helpful to everyone else, just thought you'd like to be asked about you for a change <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are right, my husband is high maintenance also....I should probably take a rest. LOL I still have some work to do on the domestic end, I am just SOOOO unorganized. I mean I clean the house everyday, but I have piles of papers here and there and stuff like that.....those are the things that drive my husband crazy our house was always disaster, and neither of us were raised that way.

I just called my landlord to find out if I can still pay him, and he's apparently out of the country. I talked to his secretary who acted like he wouldn't want to take what I had. I have 500 of it now, but she wanted to know could I have the rest of it by the end of the week, frankly....probably not. She said well, you're gonna be back in the same boat again on Monday...Yes, I know this....I've nick named my boat the titanic. So I'm officially in limbo about it.

WH called and left a message asking if I'd gotten that taken care of, I haven't called back, guess it's nice to know he's concerned. Maybe he thinks I'm out shopping on his money. Who knows, I'm tired of trying to guess.

Hope your meeting went well, and I hope you're better with plants than I am....I ALWAYS kill 'em. WH bought me a plant since I moved here...I tried so hard to keep it alive, yeah...I killed it.

-Caren

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JLS-

We seem to post simultaneously a lot.....so I wasn't blowing you off, LOL, your post just wasn't here when I posted.

I checked into the AFDC thing, I have to get work to send me a verification on my wages, I have to get child support to send me a verification on what I get for DD13(Both of these are direct deposits and they won't take a print out, I asked). I have to get the birth certificates (ARRRGH why didn't I get that when I was there?!?!?) -or- they said that ss card and their report cards would be okay. I can use work ID and drivers license. So I have to get all that crap together, suffice to say that I probably won't have it done in the timeframe that the landlord needs it in. I told the lady down there about my sitch, and she said they have a fund you can use once a year for utilities or rent or whatever your particular emergency is...I can't remember what she called it though. PRS or something like that...it was definitely 3 letters.

I really hate social services, I could really live without it...I felt like a flake, not the pretty snowy kind either.

I don't know what the heck to do if the landlord says he's not taking the rent, except look for someplace QUICK!!!! I don't want to move again. He just better take it, I've about had it with men...LOL (Well the ones I know anyway)

So what is your sitch again JLS?? I don't recall reading it, I know you said you were a BS but I figured that just stood for Bull....well you know. LOL

-Caren

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So now let's come up with A PLAN about your living arrangements!!

There's plenty of time left in the day.

What does Social Services have to say?

Any temporary housing assistance available at your church?

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Caren? How are you?

GC

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Caren~ Where are you??????

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Sorry, internet connection TERMINATED.....I told you it'd happen pretty soon, I couldn't pay the cable bill, therefore....no cable modem.

I am posting like once a day from my neighbors house.....so I won't be able to keep you *Real* updated.....LMAO (Since before I was on here constantly).

On the upside, I have gotten all my laundry done, cleaned my living room spotless, cleaned my gross gross car out....the trash in it was literally ankle deep (Not on the driver's side), I put carpet fresh in there and windexed all the windows, and washed it...it was sorta warm today, so I thought I'd do it. I have TONS more cleaning to do. I made a pretty expansive list, and the good news is it's keeping me pretty busy, and keeping my mind semi occupied. I still think about WH, of course, but instead of constantly it's like every 10-15 minutes....it hits me like a wrecking ball....that's fun.

So, I don't know what I'm going to do to keep myself busy once the house is clean...clean it again?? Maybe.

I am going to re-arrange the furniture in the living room tommorrow.

My landlord will not return my calls, I have left umpteen messages to see if I can make a partial payment....so I don't know if no return calls means NO...or what. I guess I'll find out, won't I?

In the meantime, I figure I'll clean the hell out of the house, throw away all the miscellaneous B.S. I collect and then at least if I do have to move it'll just be the stuff I actually want to move....I'm going through everything.

WH hasn't called back to ask about the landlord....maybe the fog made him forget....hard to say.

I called my step-son today though (WH's son) and asked him if he'd like to come over for the weekend next weekend, he said he'd love to...(He's 15, I should be thankful he wants to see me...LOL). He lives with his Great Aunt, and she was one of my exposure calls on D-Day, she will let me have him, but won't let WH have him. She's pretty religious, and she's on my side (I did NOT ask her to be), she said "I don't know what kind of influence that would be, I prefer that he doesn't visit WH" I told her that I understood, and thanked her for allowing me to visit with him, she KNOWS I've always been very good to him, and she trusts me. It makes me feel sorta bad that WH can't see his son because of me, but I don't want him around OW either.....he can't go around thinking that this is an okay thing....ya know??? He's almost a man, yet he's impressionable, I just can't fathom that. I know he's not mine biologically, but I love him just the same, and it would kill me to think of him being around OW either (Although WH hasn't dared bring her around the family......you know why?? Cuz he knows....he knows he's going to want ME back, and he just better not burn that damn bridge).

Okay so, I'm surviving....I'll post more tommorrow.

You guys behave...don't do anything I wouldn't do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (You just have TONS of wiggle room with that statement)

-Caren

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Caren,

I am still dying to know what you posted thrashing Patriot on my old thread! We thought that was hilarious. I posted to you on that thread asking you, but I guess you didn't see it. Come on - tell us!!

Froz

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Froz-

LOL....I'm not reposting it. I was just mortified. I had given Patriot some advice on another thread about why BS's have so many questions....and I told him that you'd ask questions and remember the answers, so NOT to think he could lie and get away with it.....because you'd remember, and then not trust him.....So I am looking at your post and I'm like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OMG, Patriot Damn It...I told you!!!! I basically ripped into him, because I thought it was a new post and that you'd just gotten an inconsistant response.

I said "Patriot, you better come clean right now buddy...etc etc." LMAO Sorry Patriot....can you please still pay all of my *dream bills*?? LMAO (Sorry had to throw that dream in somewhere Froz <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

-Caren

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Perhaps you could get some temp job at a temp agency to help tide you over til you can go back to your regular job? Does your therapist think you could do that?

The temp job might get your mind off your H and other woes?

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CarenMc
I haven't read through all the posts yet.. so if this has been addressed please forgive me (I'm at page 4 and am just back on MB after 6 months of being away)

Has anyone addressed that paperwork your husband took? The social security card, etc. that you need?

IF you have your Driver's license that is all you need replace_sscard.html

These are your legal docs ... when you go to the assitance off you can tell them your problems ... WH has the docs and won't let you have them ... just fill in the paper work as best as you can without them and write on the form the problems AND tell the intake interview person the problems.

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He actually doesn't have the SS cards, just the birth certificiates, I had the SS cards in my purse for some unknown reason (Yes....all of them lol).

I was supposed to go back to ADC today, but alas, no fricken gas in the car.....so, I couldn't go, my DD19 gets paid Monday, so I guess I'll wait until then.

-Caren

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birth certs aren't really such a big problem to get ... I'm constantly asking for replacements it seems ...

My xh messed up my credit big time ... I could do nothing for quite a long time.

Plus he has never paid his child support.

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Caren,

Thanks for the recap. I was crazy with curiosity. I appreciate your "having my back". I may just need to utilize that in the future.

Froz

P.S. I will see if Patriot can write you a "dream check". LOL

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Froz-

Girl, you know I've always got your back. I'm a pretty good person to have in your corner. It's not so great in an R to be like I am, I try to curb the AO's as much as I can.....but I slip up. I had a little bit of drama this morning, actually.

My Dad is in the Kiwanis Club, and they had a stupid pancake breakfast this morning....I didn't want to go, but Dad bought us tickets...so what are ya gonna do? I had to be there @ 8:00 AM (No rest for the wicked). I got there and my Mom walks right up to me and says "What is WH's car doing on XXXX street?" (OW's street)...now the woman KNEW what the car was doing there....and she knows me, so I'm not sure what this comment was aiming to accomplish, anyway, I sat there *STEAMING* the whole time the kids ate pancakes, I gagged down 1 pancake, but only because my Mom was glaring at me for not eating, so they get done and I say "Okay girls lets go" So we go out to the car, and where my Mom had told me to park it's a one way street....so I'm like Okay....the 1st cross street says "Do Not Enter", so I go down to the next one....ONE WAY, so I have NO CHOICE but to go down OW's street....I'm like @*@*#(&@#!!! So I go down to where I can turn off...but I can't turn before I see his car....and I just lost it. I nailed the gas and locked 'em up right in front of her house and layed on the horn....it's 8:30 on a Saturday Morning...I'm sure her neighbors hate her guts...good! So I still don't have the car in Park, so I put it in Park (I stop honking long enough to do that) then I lay the horn on again, I was probably honking for a minute or minute and a 1/2 straight....then WH comes out. He says "What the F*** is your problem?" I said "I just wanted to thank you for your discretion, My Dad is having his pancake breakfast ONE BLOCK from here and my Mom informed me that your car was parked here, Thank You So Much....I really appreciated it, nothing like being slapped in the face with that sh*t first thing on a Saturday Morning!!!!" Then I peeled out with him standing right beside my car. I had those tires smokin'.

My DD10 said, after she heard my Mom say that "You should get a gun and shoot it at her house...ya know just to scare her." Okay...I don't own a gun, I would NEVER own a gun, I realize that I have a temper and that I can't trust myself with one, therefore I have NEVER owned one, and I've NEVER talked about *shooting* anyone's house or anything else for that matter. I said "DD10!!! Don't say things like that!!!" I said "You NEVER even threaten to shoot anyone, you hear me?" I said "That's definitely not a good idea!" She very matter of factly said "Why? I don't want you to shoot her, just her house....just to scare her" I said "NO! A) It's illegal to fire a gun B) Even if I did shoot *at* her house I could very easily hit her and C) You NEVER EVER shoot at anyone for ANY reason!!!!!" It didn't seem to phase her at all what I was saying...I am calling her counselor first thing Monday morning and getting her in.....she's got some pent up stuff going on because of all of this. She's not around during the majority of my antics...but she's seen her Dad go apesh*t on me over this stuff and for her the blame is FIRMLY on the OW's shoulders...not her Dad's at ALL. And she refuses to talk about it with me, she actually refuses to talk to the counselor about it too, but hells bells...I don't know what to do. I told her that it's not okay to hurt anyone EVER, and that Mommy is sick, and I know I have a temper, and I'm trying to get better, because it's not right to be that way....that it's a sin.

I am seriously trying to curb this anger, it is so very hard, this is how I've been my entire life....a fighter, I know that OW's probably scared to death of me, and I've never even gotten anywhere close to her.....I CAN'T get close to her, I really don't think I'd be able to keep myself from beating her up......so I avoid her like the plague. I have done so much in therapy, and I feel like I just blew it all today. I didn't do what I felt like doing, which is pull up in her driveway, yank her [censored] out of the house and whip her A, but sitting out front honking like an idiot wasn't the best idea I ever had either.

*sigh* I asked God for forgiveness and to help me keep this horrible temper in check.

-Caren

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AAAAAAAAAAAwwwwwwwwwwww. Hugs for you Caren - I think you did GREAT. I wish I had balls to go to OW house and lean on the horn. I do own a gun but would never use it. You could have gone up and knocked on her door then things would have happened but you didn't. I am proud of you. Did you get computer back on? How about phones. AS for me I have decided that I am going to tell WH that I need closure and only he can give it to me. WH has a huge broom and sweeps everything under rug. I am sick of tripping over his affairs. I want to know the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth. If he answers me with his standard " What can I tell you nothing happened again" bullsh$t I will loose it. I have been wonderful for over 3 months- been patient- understanding- loving- sexy. I am done with all it is time for him to stand up and be a man. Not a coward. What do you think?

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Caren - You are just too funny. You seem to be doing very well. I had a few "rage" incidents. I think it comes with the territory.

I threw all of the Christmas presents out in the street two years ago. The neighbors enjoyed that. Then when I caught OW and WH in bed at his house, I screamed "Why don't you get off your back, and take care of your daughter?!!!" at her.

So don't feel too bad.

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Hang in there, Caren! I know you know, but stick to plan 'B' - not plan 'Bust' your WH!!

Regarding your statement to DD "I told her that it's not okay to hurt anyone EVER"

Perhaps you would agree that it *is* ok to hurt someone in self defense. You might want to clarify that with your DD, if you agree.

Believer, here is a picture of a similar AO:
Angry Outburst

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Was Sad Tiger ]</small>

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Caren,
We all lose it some times. I am the most mild mannered person you could meet and I called my WS up a couple times screaming at her.

Don't be hard on yourself, you are human. Humans have emotions and we hurt.

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