Step 1: Getting to go back to work

Step 2: Getting ready to sign up for Spring Quarter to continue towards my nursing degree.

Step 3: Signed up for a Nextel Cell phone, the phone only cost me .99 cents, this is the line he will be able to use to call DD10 if he wants to talk to her (In lieu of an intermediary) I'll change my home number if he tries to call me on it.

Step 4: Went to see my new IC, that is a christian counselor, he will be my MC when WH meets that part of the agreement.

SETBACK 1 : My employer tells me today, that my job was posted, that I am not protected under the FMLA act because I'd been there less than a year. So I am now basically jobless......Caren takes 4 steps forward....Satan knocks me back a step. I started to cry when they told me that....but then I said "Lord, I know you will provide for me" I've given it to him.

I believe that I qualify for Unemployment because I wasn't fired, I was for all intensive purposes let go due to my illness.....I know I can get unemployment, and I'll go to school, and I'll look for another job, and I'll see what other assistance I can get. My landlord STILL hasn't formally started the eviction, and I have no idea why....but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth, ya know?

So that's what's going on right now, I'm not back in Plan B yet.....laying the ground work, per your advice.

Doing Good???

-Caren

Oh sheesh, what a day I've had.....I woke up this morning and used the restroom, and my urine was almost completely blood.....so that's wonderful...so, for some unknown reason, my first reaction was to call Mark, I'm all upset and tell him what's going on, then I say "I'll call you back after I call the doctor" so I call my Doctor, he says go to the ER immediately so I call Mark back on his cell phone....and he's in my driveway, he came running over to see if I was okay, so he drove me to the ER....We were there all day, and he stayed with me all day and was very comforting and worried. So it turns out that I had a raging kidney infection...so they put me on an antibiotic and some pain meds...so I'm still in quite a bit of pain, I just don't care.

I also had to attend a musical program for DD10, I was so close to falling asleep, due to the pain meds.....WH went with me there also.

Then she just 2wayed him on the nextel phone, and asked him what he was doing, he said "Just laying here in the dark" she said "Why?" He said "I dunno" She said "What's wrong?" He said "Nothing" She said "You sound sad" He said "I'm okay punkin" (He sounds CRAZY depressed, so I don't know if maybe OW ripped him a new ******* because he spent the day with me at the hospital or what's going on, I don't know if he's depressed because he is beginning to go into withdrawls already or what.....He has made arrangements to move the vehicles now, and he has been having minimal contact [So much so that she yelled at him about never getting to see him]. It worries me that he is sounding this way...I don't know what's going on in that head of his, it's actually worrying me quite a bit.

So anyway that totally derailed my plans I had for the day, I had planned on going to the college and paying off what I owed them, and also my DD19 was going to go take the placement test so that she can start this quarter also.

So, Hopefully I won't feel like death warmed over tommorrow, cuz even if I do, still got stuff that must get done.

-Caren

^

Hi
I could have written this myself.. sorry u are having such a rough time..

Caren:

Just a thought, but do you know the psychology of co-dependance. I think a trip to BarneS & Noble and a day browsing books on this may be of some help to you. I think this is probably a real big dysfunctional component to your relationship. This is just a thought.


LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're probably right Lemon.....We went over this in Group, and although I would have never said I was co-dependent, I found out, indeed I was.

I talked to him after DD10 said goodnight to him last night and asked if he was okay. He said "I'm fine" I said "Okay well DD10 was worried about you, she said you were laying in the dark" He said "I was" I said "Why?" And he started getting p.o.ed and said "WHY?! WHY?!"....then he sighed and said "I gotta go Caren I'll talk to you tommorrow" So I couldn't sleep because I was worried, so I called him back like 10 minutes later, and tried to be understanding. I said "Mark, I know that this is a hard decision" He said "If you only knew" I said "Well I'd like to know, if you'd tell me" He didn't respond. I said "Did OW get mad at you for taking me to the hospital?" He said "Well let's put it this way, I got ripped up one side and down the other, AND the people at work are *disappointed* in me,.....but YOU'RE getting what YOU want so everything's fine" and he said "I'll talk to you tommorrow".

Okay it was his fricken idea to start this getting back together thing, now he's yelling at me about it, that's why I was wondering if he may be doing the withdrawl thing already.

I'm so upset about this I can't even sleep, I took 2 percocets and 1 remeron about 10:30....and now I'm wide awake again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

-Caren

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Well....took a Xanax and tried to go back to sleep @ around maybe like 3:30 AM...after I was done posting here, I did some laundry, did a few of the dishes. I went upstairs and tried to sleep, tossed and turned, and finally fell asleep about 6:30. So I got up, folded the laundry in the dryer, cleaned the living room, dusted, cleaned the bathroom. By that time it's about 7:15 so I wake up DD10 to get ready for school, so I'm helping her get her stuff together, then I got up DD13 to take a shower, getting ready to drive her to school right now.

I'm really worried about WH, but I'm 1/2 afraid to call and check on him, because lately everything I say is wrong (Well makes him mad). I knew extracting the H from the WH was going to be hard, so I'm battoning down the hatches.

After I drop off DD13 at school, DD19 and I are going up to the college and get some stuff taken care of. *Sigh*

I need to change my major, it's currently pre-nursing, but that doesn't allow enough credits for what I'm trying to di\o and still get financial aid, so I have to change my major to Associate of arts, and then change it to the LPN program. I am actually going for my RN, but there is a 2 year waiting list to get into that program, but if I go and get my LPN first, they can bridge me into the RN program without waiting for 2 years. It also gives me the advantage of skpping like the first 5 classes which is pretty sweet.

Okay...gotta go,

-Caren

Um..Caren

<grimaces> I think you might be about to miss the plan B window of greatest opportunity.

Now..I know that there are some practical considerations that you got whacked with 2x4s about..and I'm not arguing that these are significant issues..

..but remember also that striking while the iron is hot often does result in the most favorable outcome.

Before..he was missing you, you were looking pretty good to him..he was seeking you out and questioning the loss of you. All good things. Not enough to cause him to act..but it suggested that your Plan A had the desired effect. He was ripe for plan B..almost palpably.

True, this was only one phone call..but the attitude he was manifesting looks to me like he may be cycling back around..feeling confident of your affection..and not in danger of losing you..and so much easier to remember all of the negatives about you and your relationship.

Ultimately, this is not a game..but from a strategic standpoint i think this transition is worth taking notice of.

I hope I'm wrong..but the petulant "you're getting what YOU want" just jumped out at me.

What do you think?

Noodle

caren...

blessings to you....

but man you gotta get off the drama wagon...

please please please no more drama...

husband says he's laying in the dark...
and your off and running...

guess what sometimes laying in the dark is a good thing....
and perhaps your husband needs to do a little soul searching with the lights off and no distraction...

and spend some time with himself mulling over what he has created...

let him lay in the dark
let him sit and stew a little...

this is your biggest challenge.
and this is your biggest stumbling block...

be more concerned about a WS that keeps running running running filling their world with escape routes to distract them...

hubby should spend a few more nights/weeks laying in the dark.....
perhaps he will work out to get back to be an honorable person...

the goal is for any one to become a FORMER WS they have to process it....
not be told to
not be coddled
not be backed in to a corner

ARK

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Gotcha Ark

Guess he does need time to comtemplate the big giant mess he's made of his life and our family.

-Caren

What's up Caren? Where are things?

Caren How are you feeling - I know kidney infections are extremely painful -been there also but with kidney stones. UGh -very painful. Drink lots of water and I mean tons of water. How are things going for you ? School - work- unemployment ? You and Mark ? Take care - I have alot to do -paint my rental and get new tenants. This wkend. But I will pop in sometimes this wk/end - I always ck on you. Take care of Karen first.

Hey Caren,

Hope that you're feeling better.

Please re-read noodle's response to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Before..he was missing you, you were looking pretty good to him..he was seeking you out and questioning the loss of you. All good things. Not enough to cause him to act..but it suggested that your Plan A had the desired effect. He was ripe for plan B..almost palpably.

True, this was only one phone call..but the attitude he was manifesting looks to me like he may be cycling back around..feeling confident of your affection..and not in danger of losing you..and so much easier to remember all of the negatives about you and your relationship.

Ultimately, this is not a game..but from a strategic standpoint i think this transition is worth taking notice of.

I hope I'm wrong..but the petulant "you're getting what YOU want" just jumped out at me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This jumps out at me also. When I read that post of yours, I thought the exact same thing. Your losing him again Caren! He is not as strong as you are. And I believe it when "they" say, it is actually easier for the WS to walk away than to face what he/she has done and try to rectify it all. I have read that here somewhere and it made perfect sense to me. The right thing isn't always the easiest thing. And obviously, WSes must like to do the easy stuff!

I KNOW that you may not be ready for Plan B again, emotionally or otherwise (financially, mediator and such). But he IS. I don't think that we are all alike or that the situations are all the same. But from what I have read here, over and over, the ones that follow the plans have a higher percentage of true recovery. I think it also depends on their knowledge of their spouse and how open the WS is to change in the M... BUT Caren, I truly believe, from all the drama that you have related to us here, that your WS is a prime candidate for Plan B.

And you do need to remove yourself from the MESS and "let" him make the decision. So it's not just you "getting what you want". --My H has said this about me before. I fight for what I want and know to be right. He doesn't have to, I let him have/do most anything. And I don't know that he has ever had to fight for anything in life. I have and it doesn't scare me.---

I think that you have handled the phone contact with D and WS really well. I believe that he will "use" her again, however unintentionally, if you go to Plan B. That is something that you have to be ready to deal with. My 14 D and I went to court against her bio-father recently. Long story, but I had to have her removed from the room in which they (her and him) were conversing. He was telling her that it was HER ?! fault that he stopped contact with her again about a year ago-- because she she didn't call him him (after ~3 visits from him in 13 years). I also told him later that he really needed to think about HER emotional well-being. I don't know if it helped, but that is my job.


Please let us know how things are.

Good Luck Care,

jls

Hey Caren,

Just hoping you are feeling better and wanting to you know over the past 2-years I have been in a very similar situation. You are not alone. I am slowly coming out it and I start a full time job in a week. This is key for me. One way or another things will work out for the best...right now I am not sure what the best is.

I am here if you need to talk.


L

Caren,

I am like Lisa -- same as you -- suck at Plan B. I am on a year and tried Plan B in December I lasted about 3 weeks and the only thing that kept me from having contact was staying at my parents. My wh at the time went off the deep end he had to go to our doctor because he couldn't see past two feet just blackness. The doctor put him on Zoloft and his anxiety attacks slowly started to stop.

I am screwing up my marriage -- I know I should plan b -- I am working my way up to it. I just past a year of this s##T and I still can not believe I am still here.

I have come a long way -- I no longer obsess about him or them. My ic helped me with that. I am moving on becoming more independent. Sometimes it is frustrating when I need help and I know I can't depend on my wh to help me out but it is making me stronger because I know I have to do it.

Hang in there -- pysche yourself up for a real plan b attempt.

Tylee

I know this isn't what anyone wants to hear, but you're all concerned, and deserve to at least hear from me.

I am moving in with WH in about a week and a 1/2, I know that the majority of you will think I'm wrong, but I don't believe this is the wrong thing to do. We've already got things set up.

I just want this fricken nightmare to be over, I dunno if he feels forced into this, but it's high time he steps up to the fricken plate. I didn't choose this, he did, I wasn't asked if I'd like to participate, yet here I am in the middle of it.

I'm going to continue my work on myself, I'm still going to go to school, I am not sure where I stand with my job, but as I said before, I'm only making 8.81 an hour, I'm sure I can find work just about anywhere making that.

I pray about this several times a day, and ask God to lead me in the right direction, it's odd, because just as I was typing that line my Pastor just showed up at my door (I've been skipping church...no good reason), he said "How are things going?" I told him that WH and I were getting back together, he said "That's great" I said "Well he's not deliriously happy about it, but he said it's what we are supposed to do" He said "That's right....that's right, that is what you're supposed to do, now what do I need to do to get you back into church?" I said "I honestly have no good reason for not going." He said "Well, I don't know what else to do, should I come here and tie you up and drag you to church?" I said "That might work".

Come to think about it, I'm not deliriously happy about it either. It's like something driving me to do it.......because I'm not excited about it, but I'm focused on it. I'm going to give it the old college try, that's all I can do.

-Caren

Hi Caren,

I have been wondering about you. You were posting so much it was hard to keep up..and then almost nothing. I figured something must be happening...maybe you were just really busy getting everything in order. You had an awful lot to deal with all at once with your rent/job/school etc. I am very happy you got the school thing worked out so you can pursue that again.

Caren, do you and H have a plan in place for getting back together? Like counseling either alone or together? Some of those Plan B items being met?

The reason I ask is I took my H back too soon and I regret it to this day, 3 1/2 years later. Why? Because nothing has changed. We still play the same game, deal with each other the same way. But I didn't have MB back then so I didn't know about any of this stuff.

I hope you will continue with counseling for yourself without exception to keep you on the right track. You have made improvements and you will make more as you go.

Good Luck to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sweetie, I want to be happy for you that you guys are getting back together, but when you say "he's not deliriously happy about it" makes my skin crawl. I know you have money problems so at least that will take some of that pressure off you, but what about OW? Does she know about this? Has NC been agreed to? You have been thru a lot these last few months and im really hoping this works for you. You probably answered these questions of mine, but damn, this is a long thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Why is he not happy about it, Caren?

Yes, there's a plan in place, and he's actually meeting one of the PBL demands this evening, regarding his hot rod being in her garage.

Yes, I have a new counselor, and he's my IC that I'm going to work into MC.

He has agreed to NC, and will be changing the home phone number, and he has given me access to his voice mail, and we are going to switch cell phones, since they're both the same, and she doesn't have my number and I seriously doubt she is going to want to call me a whole lot. He knows that I established the cell account online so I can monitor his cell phone usage, and also hipped him to the fact that I don't even want to see any *Blocked* calls on that damn list either. (He doesn't answer blocked calls at home, why on earth would he answer them on his cell?) I will be doing a follow up on any calls I find suspicious, or even that I just don't recognize...for a while anyway.

My PBL demands were NC with OW, NC letter to OW, Cars out of her garage, and......marriage counseling, he's getting the hot rod out of the garage tonight, the one with the blown engine has to be towed out, and that can't be done for about a week.........but I sent the letter to her also, so unless she's incredibly dense, she knows what's up. Do I think he's told her? No, I don't he's actually told me as much, he says it's because the cars are still in her garage, I frankly don't care if he gives her an explanation or not....I really don't. I don't think she deserves one, to be honest, I think she should fumble around in the dark for a while like I had to do, I think she should call his cell and get ME......I think she should call his home number and find that it's changed, and no further information is available about it. I think she should get the NC letter in the mail and know with crushing certainty by the handwriting on the envelope just exactly what the envelope contains.

Yes, I think that's appropriate.

-Caren

P.S. When I said he wasn't deliriously happy about getting back together, what I meant was he made the decision return to his family, and that's probably not the *cool* or *fun* choice to make, but it's the right one. I'm not deliriously happy because I see the hard work it's going to take to get this R back on track.

I dunno, anyone have any input on that? I mean are the WS's every delirously happy about having to choose?? Their sort of forced to make a decision. That their addiction to the WS is stronger than their addiction to the OP.....I don't think anyone addicted to ANYTHING is happy about it.

<small>[ March 20, 2005, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Hi Caren, I haven't ever posted to you before but I wanted to let you know I have been reading your threads. I am hoping good thing for you, Caren. You sure have grit.

Cindy