Hi everyone. I've been lurking here since Oct 04, and must say this board has help me progress a great deal. I've been having problems with my current desire to return to my WW. I had filed for D 7days after Dday (aug04). We were married only 1yr 8months, and thing were okay. She just had no abilities to stay within some of my boundries (one primarily going out to clubs on Sat night when I worked that evening and coming home late.). I would vent and she would promise not to go again, yet another good reason came up, and off she went. It got so bad that one night she came home so intoxicated, that she was vomiting. I couldn't take the abuse, and so I asked for a divorce (more as a threat, but truely considered due to her lack of empathy and an immature nature). She stated that she did not want a divorce, and would try not to go out as often. Ofcourse she ended up still " hanging out with friends ". I worked very hard to bring us the financial freedoms she wanted, but vacations did not exist. I felt guilty that we could not travel, and lost the fight on the boundry of the sat night clubbing. In the last few months prior to the DD I was being mistreated (felt like walking on eggshells), and one Sun night she was supposed to be home by 7pm, with cell phone not answering and after calls to police, she returned home a 1am asking for a divorce. I was extreme shocked and sad, and offered to make it easy for her. She later stated that she wasn't sure she wanted a divorce , yet kept on abusing me emotionally. I had lost all control. Fast forward, I smelled something was wrong, and asked a few times if there was OM, yet she always said no. On my b-day without any gifts we went out to eat and had a long conv. That night her cell rang and she didn't answer it with me there. I left a bit later to take care of an errand. The next mourning I kissed her good mourning and asked again if there was another man, and that I was quite insecure about thing lately. She pleasantly smiled and said "ofcourse not". I checked her cellphone that mourning and found that she returned the call when I left, I took down the number and searched the cell phone bills. To my amazement for 3months there has been some 50calls to this number. Well, fastforward again. I filed for Divorce, offered her a settlement more than adequete. She continued to call me and ask to return home, but I would not allow it unless she would admitt the affair. She finally did 1 month after Dday. I told her it was too late, and the mountain she built for us to now climb was just too traumatic for me to endure, and the fastest way for my recovery was without her. I told her to live her life seperate from mine, and to take care. Every couple of weeks she has had to contact me, and always suggesting that she wanted me to take her back. It's seem the OM left her after DDay, in which I demanded to meet the "friend". Being that she could not be alone, she is now seeing a person she has very little respect for, and I guess is her new security blanket. She asked me out to dinner last night, and I just couldn't let it be casual, and dumped a small portion of what she has put us through. The pain on her face was obvious... and here's the thing. I still care for her, and I hate myself for hurting her. Our divorce will be final in March 3rd, and what's killing me inside, is that I KNOW that I'm good for her in her life. The path she will lead has many pitfall, but do I chose to possibly sacrifice my own happiness and let this seriously flawed (morally, and immaturity) women come back into my life? We've been together only 5 year total and we have no children. I still love her, but at this point I know she still has no clue to herself at which point she may falter again. She has alway been the taker in our relationship, and I had taken a commit to be her husband for life (under the condition of no infidelity).

I'm sorry this was so long, but I had to give you atleast 30% of my story.

What should I do in all your opinions?

Seoulman
Me(B.S.) 34yr
STXWW 27yr

If you aren't *Sure* you want a divorce, then postpone it....try to see if you can work it out.

-Caren

What should you do?

I think you should make a decision and then commit to it. Commit to it wholly and not look back.

Now is definitely the time to do it.

Do you Love her?

If she is serious about wanting things to work out, and you feel the same, and you both are willing to follow up with action, then I see no reason not to go ahead and give it your all. Marriage is not easy. It's tough and tons of work. And that is the case no matter who you marry.

Successful marriages are built over time as the couple comes across difficult (sometimes seemingly impossible) situations and overcomes them.

So it's your call. Here is your first really difficult situation. Will it destroy your marriage or make it stronger?

Right now, the choice is yours. (which kinda puts you at an advantage that I'm a little envious of)

Best wishes,

dewt

Geez, I just had an idea...

You could have a heart to heart discussion with her. Explain your reservations about halting the divorce proceedings. Explain that you love her very much and would like to save the marriage but that you need to see some concrete actions from her that show that she is willing to put some serious effort in. Dumping the boyfriend would be a great start.

Then you can put a hold on the divorce proceedings and see what happens.

dewt

Thanks for your prompt replies. It's just a very scary thing. I think it's so abnormal for a marriage of just 1.5 years to have to deal with such an event. I worked very hard to be a good husband (which she agree with), yet to be in so early and have this happen shows a serious character flaw. I'm seriously apprehensive when it comes to a future, cause I'll have so much more to lose. Her behaivor when in the FOG was so hurtful, and I basically rewarded her for her actions by provide a nice settlement (cash out, which I've already paid her). It's just such confusing times.

Seoulman

Has she really shown you in a convincing way that things could be different now? Has she clearly expressed an understanding of how damaging her behavior has been and has she indicated a desire to be a better, committed wife? Would she be willing to learn about and apply MB principles and personal bounderies to protect your marriage?

Is she sincerely remorseful and repentant. Has she changed her clubbing behavior/single lifestyle on her own, after all; she is still married until March.

Unfortunately, she agreed to stop clubbing before only to start back up as soon as she got what she wanted.

Since you have been reading here since Oct. did you try a plan A? Did you try plan B including sending her a plan B letter. Did you expose her behavior to her parents etc.?

I would proceed with caution. You haven't been married very long and you made some good points about basically cutting your losses. It may be a good idea to proceed with the D and give her conditions for reconciliation and remarriage should she comply. Then maybe have a prenuptial agreement which would protect you from being taken advantage of financially should her intentions not be honorable.

Dewt also made some good points about the how difficult marriages is and you will always have problems to overcome of a greater of lesser degree.

It would help for your wife to really understand the meaning of commitment and personal bounderies.

In your heart, have you done all you could to save the marriage?

I doubt anyone would fault your decision either way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by seoulman:
<strong> Thanks for your prompt replies. It's just a very scary thing. I think it's so abnormal for a marriage of just 1.5 years to have to deal with such an event. I worked very hard to be a good husband (which she agree with), yet to be in so early and have this happen shows a serious character flaw. I'm seriously apprehensive when it comes to a future, cause I'll have so much more to lose. Her behaivor when in the FOG was so hurtful, and I basically rewarded her for her actions by provide a nice settlement (cash out, which I've already paid her). It's just such confusing times.

Seoulman </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, on the bright side, you are scared. That indicates that you have a realistic view of the situation. Good for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for it being abnormal to face these things early in marriage, well... I dunno about that. Marriage brings big changes to a persons life and sometimes those changes are scary in themselves. I wouldn't worry so much about the fact that it's happened so soon. There are so many factors that it would probably take a professional to figure it out and present it in a digestable format.

As for the character flaw thing, well, we're all flawed. (check my sig link - even if you're not Christian, it's a good story with a good point) I guess if you truly believe that this bad marital behaviour is in her nature and not going to change, well you have your decision there, don't you? But I sense doubt about that from you. I'm left with the impression that this is more a reaction on her part to something that we don't understand yet.

dewt

Hello Seoulman,

This is just a thought: Maybe it is true that you are really good for her but she clearly is not good for you! I wish you luck.

Caren, Dewt, Trix.. Thank you for you input
Bryanp, I know what you mean. It's just funny how when you define love it should be selfless, but that's all in a romantic world. This world seems so harsh and nobody wins in these types of situations. I think I'll go along with Trix's idea, and continue on with this divorce.. If or when she matures or see's the right path in life, and if I'm still there, I may consider remarriage(with her), with some legal regards. I think I have to just move on. Maybe I'm codepenent and need to be there (nurturing personality) for her.

Thank you again

Seoulman

SM,

I think you need to read about the POJA. The reason Harley has that policy is because he has found that resentment leads to many problems in a marriage. Next read his articles on "radical honesty". He feels that "radical honesty" is a must in a marriage.

You have been married a short time. She lies to you. She has no respect for you. She has cheated on you. All within a short time of marrying her. Further, she has shown NO evidence that she has changed her attitude or behavior.

You cannot rescue her. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what's killing me inside, is that I KNOW that I'm good for her in her life </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. However, it is clear she is NOT good for you, unless you like being treated as you have been.

Frankly, since there are no kids, and your marriage is so young, I would think the prudent thing to do is continue on the path you are on. IF she really loves you, and IF she has changed, she has infinite (OK, a life time) to show you these things even if you are divorced. However, I would not bet on it.

I am reminded of the comment: If nothing changes, don't expect change.

It goes along with the definition of insanity Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You have some decisions to make. Make them with the data laid out before you. Not what you wish was true or the data, but the real data that you have.

God Bless,

JL

JL

I have read many of your posts, and your insights and knowledge has helped so many, including myself. I do really appreciate your time in reading and replying to my post. It's so sad at how people we love do such destructive things. I intend to heed your advice. Thank You.

Seoulman