</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lunamare:
<strong>From what I have said above and my H's reactions, I don't seem to be doing PLAN A very well, which I would like to be doing while H is still at home.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bingo! So you're ready to work?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>What H wants is for me to sit down, work out a plan for us to separate (so he can be with OW). That's what H wants. I can't seem to be able to sit down and do this yet.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nor should you.

Please, please, please read SAA.

Much of your anxiety will be addressed there.

Also, re-read the link in my sig line below and ALL the embedded links.

Thanks WAT for your support.

I see from your signature, that SAA for you has meant letting go of M (unless I didn't get the coding right). I may just end up there, too, I feel - that's the hardest part for me to accept - the possibility that SAA will mean that - and I think for me to work effectively I first have to face the possibility of this reality. My biggest fear I guess is by accepting - visualizing - the possibility of letting go of M - I will then become passive, no longer consider it a "possibility" but the finality of my situation and where I am headed. By doing so, I fear I will not have the energy, the inspiration necessary to try and turn this "course" around, but will come to accept as "destiny", as where life led me to.

I met a good friend yesterday afternoon. She's separated, doing OK, and I could see myself "considering" "visualizing" myself in her place. And I tell myself: by putting energy in visualizing myself by myself, I am loosing focus, that that is not what I want, that is not where I want to put my energies. On the other hand, by not doing so I see myself flying the trapeze with no net underneath, but by having the "net" will I let go, because I have a net. I seem to think that by having "no net" then it's not an option. Oh but the fall will be harder, my friend! It may just kill you. These are my thoughts - what are my feelings? You see, I play tricks on myself. I think in order not to feel (the pain), and I think, I need to go there, get past the pain. The journey is lonely, very lonely. In the meantime, I am starting to feel guilty a bit because less energy is going to my kids, and I LOVE my kids. I have also been told that I have very high standards for myself, that I am too responsible. Guess who's telling me this?

Bottom line now. I am resisting "resisting". The fear? It will be a lose/lose situation. There doesn't seem to be a balance between my Giver and Taker. It just seems to be me that I am both at the same time, and Plan A is about the Giver, no? My Taker does not like it very much.

HELP.

PS - I think I will start another thread, more to do with where I am at ie. Help with Plan A.

No, SAA = Surviving An Affair.

It is wise that anyone faced with the crisis of infidelity realizes that the marriage may end. It might. But the facts are that in five years from now, it is FAR more likely that you and your H will be together than it will be that OW and your H are together. FAR more likely.

So, you are no more close to your marriage ending than any other typical BS at your point in time - including all those who successfully rebuilt their marriages. I just am not one of them.

But the strategies here WERE instrumental in me arriving where I ended up - in a LOT better state than any of the other three adults in my story (I'm the only sane one left standing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and in being prepared for the rest of my life.

I detect in you a lack of understanding in this disease and its very effective treatment.

Safe, yet effective. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You are still in the predictable BS pit of trying to rationally figure out what your WS wants and worse, how to cope with what you think he wants - and you're being driven by your emotions rather than by your intellect.

You're the blind person touching various parts of the elephant, trying to figure out what it is - and you're only on the tail.

But I also detect a building resolve to pick yourself up and take command. To take control of this situation.

Please get SAA and read it.

Also, please read around this forum and start absorbing the tidbits from the other stories. You will see yourself and your H all over the place. See how similar you are to everybody else here.

WAT

***What H wants is for me to sit down, work out a plan for us to separate (so he can be with OW). That's what H wants. I can't seem to be able to sit down and do this yet.***

Of course you can't. Nor should you. It's sheer insanity and you are the only one who is sane. Of course you are not going to do this.

***Should I force myself to do this - because when I think about it, I get sick - ***

NO! If do not want a separation, then do not lift a finger to enable it. This has to be HIS doing -- not yours.

***or, do I let him do what he needs to do***

Luna, you can't stop him. What are you going to do, physically grab him and tie him up? You don't "let" him do anything. He is a grown man and his actions are his responsibility. You can tell him that you don't want him to abandon the family, but the choice to do that or not is his.

You cannot stop him and it is NOT your responsibility to stop him.

***(ie he has threatened that if I don't comply, I should know that he can walk out tomorrow morning - which I think he will, justifying this action by blaming me for not collaborating, because what he wanted was to reach a "peaceful" understanding between us) meaning I just do what H wants, period.***

As I said before -- he has got you bullied and terrified. You are scared to death that if you don't give in to his demands, he will leave you.

Luna -- in many ways, he has already left. He has emotionally abandoned his family for a ridiculous fantasy and he is trying to somehow make that YOUR fault.

Here is what I firmly believe will happen:

1) You will tell H that you do not want him to abandon the family and you will have no part in its breakup. If he wants to move out, well, you can't stop him. You are not his mommy and you are not his jailer. If he wants to abandon his wife and children, that is going to be 100% HIS doing. NOT YOURS.

2) Be prepared for anger, threats, bullying, nastiness, and abandonment. He has to make this all your fault because he can't face the guilt of what he is really doing. Somewhere underneath he knows how wrong all of this is, but that voice of conscience has been silenced for him now. He can't hear it -- yet. But he will.

3) He will move out and go be with his stinky girlfriend. He will treat you horribly and tell you it's all your fault. DON'T BELEIVE IT. DON'T FALL FOR THE CRAP THAT SPEWS FROM A WS MOUTH. Read the posts here. THEY ALL DO THIS.

Don't back down! If he wants to leave, then he'll just have to leave. And in the long run it's the very best chance you have of getting your husband back.

Why? Because once he leaves -- and I'll bet the farm he will -- and Luna goes to Plan B, which he knows nothing about and is not expecting, his idiotic fantasy life will be blown to smithereens.

See, he expects you to be destroyed when he moves out for stinky OW. He expects you to grovel and beg and plead for him to come back becaues you can't live without him. He fully expects to be able to go back and forth between you and OW whenever he pleases because Luna will do nothing but beg for whatever crumbs of attention he will throw her way.

Now, think about it: Suppose, instead, that WH moves out for stinky OW and Luna goes immediately to Plan B (with much support from this board.) WH is completely cut off. He stepped off of solid earth and onto the ship named "OW," but when he looks back the gangplank has been withdrawn and there is NO way to get back to Luna. She is no longer availble and will not even speak to him until he dives overboard to get off of the Stinky Ship OW. (SS OW.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

At first he will be even MORE angry about this and blame Luna even more -- but then, the longer he stays at sea with nothing but SS OW, the more seasick he's going to get. Diving overboard and swimming home will start to look good.

See what I mean?

You must, somehow, stop letting him frighten and bully you. Right now the best chance you have of getting your husband back is to give him exaclty what he *thinks* he wants. He has to learn for himself that this fantasy of having both you and SS OW will NEVER, EVER happen.

Read the posts from others here who are doing Plan B or who have done it. Your husband does not have one ounce of respect for you, and until he does he will continue to bully you and run roughshod over you.

Get a plan. And do NOT let him force you into breaking up your family and enabling his affair. Make HIM do the dirty work. Do NOT agree to ANYTHING that you don't want to do.

DON'T LET HIM SCARE YOU! HE'S COUNTING ON IT!
Mulan