Advice please…

Story’s the typical run with a few twists maybe…

Wife had relationship for 2 years with OM (last year physical, but sex only once (supposedly)). In addition, wife had EA with an 18 yr old boy (IMs all hours with suggestive tones. Became aware about 4 mos prior to exposure – gathered evidence (the 2 things going on at same time made for some difficulty) – exposed 10/25/04. Wife drops EA (says it wasn’t an affair, but eventually agreed it was inappropriate. She was/is? still head over heels on the other guy (the 2 yr one). She agreed to MC (but was like a rock at the MC office). She did give a few hints (she felt resentment when I coaxed her to going back to work part time (my oldest is a senior in high school). Resentment turned to rebellion…. Funny thing is that she really likes work now (MC says it gives her validation). At MC, she said that she’s been depressed on and off for many years since childhood (and I believe was depressed for at least 3 years – I called her on it over the past few years, but she wouldn’t do anything about it.

Tricky part is that about D-Day, her father was found to be terminally ill. She went down there (2 hrs away) weekly. Time moved on… something didn’t feel right… (I don’t remember the trigger)… I confronted again on 12/26… she admitted to seeing him at bowling … said sorry, she’ll stop bowling, etc.

For month of January, her father was on death bed (literally) and she spent the month down at her dad’s until he died. We talked every day, communicating more, etc. When she returned home after the funeral, during the first week of life resuming to normal, she called me at work telling me that she was going to go bowling. After some back and forth (I was under control), she said that she wasn’t going to go bowling. I confront again two days later and she admits calling him during the “stressful time watching someone die.”

I need advice… she is doing almost nothing (I’ve read everything I can, this board, encourage sharing of ENs, suggest nights out, be extra helpful around house, get flowers occasionally, etc.). I asked her to fill out the ENs – she started it (I inadvertently saw her mostly completed form - other than some modest suggestions, she says that I’m basically neutral or somewhat positive on most (except sex… which she (and myself) are not ready for). On the other hand, on my ENs, she fails miserably (as she had been prior to affairs – I attributed it to her depression and sat “for better or worse”). I make offers for recreation and she’s tired (from work). But… when she was bowling, she would go after work. Normal things… lack of her affection, sex, etc.

I feel like I’m doing all the work and she’s not doing any (I even gave her Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue on CD for Valentine’s day – she hasn’t cracked cover). Each time there’s a D-Day, she says that she wants to work on the marriage.

I don’t want to appear desperate… but when I suggest we talk about something later (at her convenience), she doesn’t bring it up.

I’m open for suggestions. Sorry so long (and wandering)…

Hurt Husband

P.S. My motto is 1) The functional definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result and 2) That you can’t make someone do something… rather you must ask yourself, “what is it that I can do to get the result that I am looking for.”

Married 20 years
2 kids
D-Day #1 10/25/04
D-Day #2 12/26/04
D-Day #3 2/12/05

Hello,

I am sorry for your pain. I strongly suggest that you read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. It seems she has very little boundaries with no real consequences for her betrayals of you. Reading from your message indicates that there seems little reason for her to stop this behavior because down deep she knows you are very forgiving of her and her behavior. You need to read the book unless you wish to live the rest of your life this way. Do you honestly think your wife would have been so accepting if the roles had been reversed? I wish you luck.

Who have you exposed her affairs to so far?

Sorry for your pain. It is amazing that after being married for 20 years, some people can just snap and not care the same about a person. I don't mean to be harsh, but sounds like she is distracted by something or someone. With kids it makes things more complicated. I have one myself and am considering leaving my wife so I know how hard that can be. Man, you give your entire life to someone and they just dump on it, unbeleiveable!

Guess you can tell I am bitter. Sorry.

First, I want to thank Bryanp, meremortal and destroyed man for your responses. Bryanp - that's a good suggestion- I'll get the book - sounds right on.

Regarding exposure, she has taken the first move - told some mutual friends (who are town criers in the spare time - no wonder their husbands seem more distant to me lately). The OM is separated from his wife (though not legally to my knowledge) and lives in a separate apartment. I'd avoid telling my family - an uncle went through the same thing that I did many years ago and I still hear about his wife. My wife was getting pretty distant from her family (prior to her dad's death) - but is starting to re-join. Finally, with the kids involved, I don't want to expose to them right now (I've had 2 different counselors tell me the same since it tends to destroy their lives).

Destroyed man hit the nail on the head. For first half of married life, she was somewhat introverted, family-centric, etc. (kind of funny, thinking back, her father, when I asked him to marry her, said, "I'm not sure she's good enough for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ". We moved to be closer to her father after her mom died (10 yrs ago), and she blames me for that (said she didn't want to move here). Then she went into undiagnosed depression - as I mentioned to counselor, she would rarely drive and rarely left home (maybe to grocery store). Then, as Destroyed man says, "SNAP". She starts with new friends, disassociates herself from family, etc. I recall even her sister saying, "she seems so independent" (about a year ago). I believe that she's trying to relive her youth (a mid-life crisis - so to speak). The bulk of her new friends were singles in the 20's (and the OM). Now she's starting to include her old friends (the town criers that I noted earlier).

hh123,
your story sounds like mine. Wow!
Keith

hh123, I'm going to give you a little different perspective but from a SW angle.

I'd cut her a little slack right now.

My dad died right after Christmas 7 years ago. It was sudden and unexpected. I didn't have to watch him die and my mom is still alive. My dad was a controlling jerk. The last 5 years of his life were full of drama: his arrest of abusing my mom, a separate after 51 years of marriage, dissolution of the family house and a move to a senior's apartment, many real and perceived illnesses. Somewhere in there in he found time to have a girlfriend. I had hardly any contact with him.

After he died, I was devestated! In the end, although he was an [censored], he was still my daddy and I hurt so badly. It wasn't guilt for the way our lives had separated but the sense of loss. I could barely function. I remember looking at my family and saying "Sorry everybody, but I don't have anything for you." My husband (not a WH at that time) arranged for his parents to watch our kids and he took me out of the country for 2 1/2 weeks on a business trip with him. I came back in a much better state and able to function.

If I felt this way about my dad, I can imagine how much more intense grief must be for someone who watched their last parent die. Give your wife a little time to mourn. Don't buy her self-help books. Don't tell her "It's been a month, you should be over it!" Buy her flowers and sunny cards and wisk her away for a romantic trip. Do something new and exciting. Surprise her. I know it's hard. When your love bank is on empty initiating something is like trudging through mud.

Do you think OM is giving her self-help books? Is he telling her to snap out of it? He gives her "hit and run" comfort. A quick fix of caring. And that of course, is much easier when he doesn't have to live with the depression and grief. This could be a great chance to Plan A her. If she can't get it from you, she'll go to OM.

Don't give up. Do some special things.

Grapegirl-
Interesting perspective... I'll think it over.

Some similarities occur... her father was an extremely egocentric person (sort of like her now). At my wife's first Thanksgiving dinner that she made after we were married, his first words were "The broccoli's not cooked enough". When he was in the hospital a month before his death, he yelled at my wife for not coming in before his lunch was served so that she could help him (he's in a hospital... if you need help ask someone... sheesh...).

I do think that she has some mourning to do... Hence, I've cut 4 months of slack already. I took care of whole household and did what was needed when she was at her dad's during the last month. She did thank me tenderly for all the help... but then a few days later, I find out that she's still talking to OM. My concern is that she did come from a dysfunctional family (where the father is king of the roost). They did go to family counselling (once). Hence, she hated it, and hating going to MC (which she has asked to not go to since she came back from her dad's).

I appreciate the comments... I feel that I needed to give some slack due to the unusual circumstances, but don't see any change.

I did offer to go out, made suggestions, etc. and she says she's tired, etc.

It can be frustrating to try to figure out how to work through this...

Re-reading the response by grapegirl indicates that she is the BW and suffered a loss from her dad's passing. She said that she needed her husband to do nice surprises for her.

Now my situation... I'm the betrayed spouse... I've been doing nice things... even her ENs are met to some extent (as I noted earlier). I've had few of mine met... I've been going 4 months of super niceness/try to avoid LBs (except when D-Days arrive...).

I struggle as I don't think I'm supposed to mention the relationships, but having had multiple D-days, I need some kind of checks and balances in place. I do feel bad bringing the old up (as opposed to only looking forward), but am trying to establish a "don't lie to me" approach. Hence, I feel that I must ask the question periodically - but then I feel that we've retrenched... Not asking it feels too easy to fall into old patterns...

Open to suggestions...

HH123, When my dad died, at least as far as I can discern, my husband was not wayward. That's been a much more recent thing. He was very supportive during that time by removing me from the scene, let me heal and I came back a new, more functional person.

Now, as a BS, I hear ya. Read some of my posts. My love bank is hovering around zero. I'm pretty tired of being the nice person while WH is out doing his thing. I'm going to do something nice for MYSELF to bring my spirits up.

If I'm extrapolating the data correctly, your FIL died either in late January or early February. Your wife has barely had a month to grieve. Give her what OM is giving her. And do give her a little more time. Read about the stages of grief.

HH123,

As it's mentioned a millon times in this forum: You can only change yourself. Don't expect the WW to read any of the material you give her. Specially if she is so deep in the fog as yours. I know that it is hard to give and give (specially for 4 months) and recieve nothing back. But try to control your taker. Also set a date when you will go to plan B. It has already been 4 months after your first D-Day and still there is no sign of NC. Be strong.

SM.

Thanks for the input... my struggle is always the feeling that in WS mind, OM is "perfect" - the perfect friend, the perfect companion, etc. Funny thing is that his salary wouldn't cover her food bill for a month (i.e., I think an EN that is a low priority now, would move up rather quickly). Yesterday, she came home in a snotty mood. This is the classic, anything you say is a LB. Not talking to her, in her mind, just confirms OM is more attentive. Go figure...

Grapegirl was correct... 1/30. The timing was horrendous - trying to do some recovery while a major stress was occurring to her- made it so 4 mos went out the window. I did get the book suggested earlier and am reading it. I totally agree that you can only change yourself (see my P.S. under original posting).

The struggle I have is demonstrated per last night... She comes home from work in a snotty mood. Makes dinner (I offer to help - says no)... in 10 minutes or so, says she's invited to go bowling (female 20 yr old friend). Has enough energy to do that. On Fridays or Saturdays, I offer to do anything (suggest anything from bowling to skiing to coffee house to eating out) and get a "I'm tired".

Hh, your D-day was about 2 weeks before mine. Since he was out of the country for weeks before that, it seems a lot longer. You and I seem to be much in the same place, tired, lonely and fedup with being the good guy. The main difference is that my WH has been out of the house for 2 1/2 months now. Actually, it's been better that way. When he was here, NOBODY, not even the dogs could do anything right. Either snotty and LB-ing or cold and uncommunicative. We can't choose the right movies, we can't cook the right food, anything we say can and will be used against us. The most benign comment is a LB. Having WH here was too much. He can stew in his apartment. The night I caught him in the closet talking to OW on the phone is the day he left this house.

As much as I hate to say it, FIL death put you back to square 1. Many people at MB have been Plan A-ing a whole lot longer than us. I'm not going on indefinitely but I'm going to be patient. I'm one of Mimi's special projects. lol

<<<<<<<<<<<hh123>>>>>>> Here's a hug for you. You have my empathy. It's a pretty rotten, stinky boat, isn't it?