been in Plan B since early Jan...Broke it this weekend...had WS over to talk about moving forward together or apart...my goal is apart...but want to do it amicably (sp)...if there is a way to do it that way!!

I've been really good about sticking to my boundries and he has not tried to contact me...except a few times on the IM...and when he calls the house, I do not pick up the phone...He gets the kids and I send them out to the car, he does the same when he drops them off...it has been very good...

I wont go into too much detail, but I wanted to "talk" to him about the divorce...I told him I did not want him at the birth of the baby...I feel that even considering it, is a deal breaker...but nonetheless, I do not want him there...he feels he should be there for the baby! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ummm, OK! he says he doesn't want to burn the bridge with the child <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ummmm, OK...since the child wont even remember! WHATEVER!

I am sooo lost...most people I talk to say that divorce is not the way to go...but how much abuse am I supposed to take from this man? How much more betrayal....If I file, i will eventually be able to move forward without him...date, hopefully find someone who CAN love me...he has also made it clear he will make my dating life hell! WHATEVER! I just dont know how much more abuse one can take...I am trying to do the right thing...But the right thing is always the wrong thing...

Somedays I do still want to be married to him, others I dont...I hate him on other days...but as Lemonman said...Divorce is so final! But I will not SHARE my H with another woman for goodness sakes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: RollerCoasterPro ]</small>

Hi RollerCoasterPro,

You are at a crossroads here. The birth of OC is imminent in a few weeks or less. Your WH is still straddling the fence to see how far he can push you and still keep you in his life without having to sacrifice OW and a future relationship with OC that would be more than just financial. (In other words, nothing is new since day 1).

He wants to be at the birth, for gosh sakes, when you've made that very clear to him that it would be the ultimate insult to you and the marriage.

You tolerate his assiness on your best days and hate him on your worst. And nothing changes.

I give you extra points for giving him plenty of time to choose his family and work with you, as a team, to handle the OC sitch. He just doesn't want to play by any rules but those he sets on his own. It doesn't sound like you can do that anymore. Nor should you, IMHO.

Going out on a limb here.... I don't think you'll ever be 100% sure that divorce is the right thing to do. But I am not sure your kids can stand one more day of this uncertainty.

Give yourself the gift of a new life without WS. You deserve so much more. If it's a mistake, that will become evident in time and it can always be reversed later. BTW, I knew a physician and his wife who remarried two years after a divorce, so it does happen. Right now, though, you need to stand on your own two feet.

Your WS is poison. Let OW have her fill.

~ Snow

Hi snow! Thanks for your reply...I think you are right! he is poison..not only to me, but to himself as well! The last I heard he is going to start working with another coach that will try to guide him into making himself a better person...He is supposed to have NC with me or the OW for 6 weeks..That is all I know on that.

I really really want to file for a divorce Snow...but I always end up thinking I should give it some more time...but then I think time for what? time for more abuse? Time for HIM to make up his mind...gosh, how respectful is that? I am giving my WH time for HIM to make up his mind whether he wants me or his OW and OC? Let me just sit here and wait forever <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Yes, I think the time has come for someone to take the high road...and that person is going to be me...I have to do it..I just have to get the nerve up and do it...Thanks for your support!

Wow, this is quite therapeutic talking to myself! Anyone out there! ANYONE???

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RollerCoasterPro:
<strong> I am sooo lost...most people I talk to say that divorce is not the way to go...but how much abuse am I supposed to take from this man? How much more betrayal....If I file, i will eventually be able to move forward without him...date, hopefully find someone who CAN love me...he has also made it clear he will make my dating life hell! WHATEVER! I just dont know how much more abuse one can take...I am trying to do the right thing...But the right thing is always the wrong thing...

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RoolercoasterPro:

While I NOW try NEVER to advocate divorce, becauee it is FINAL in many ways, it is sometimes the best solution ***for some***. There comes a time in this life when you have to SAVE YOURSELF here. For *****ME****** Divorce was my salvation. It was the ONLY way for ****me**** to heal and move on.....and I DID. It was still painful and in NO way, shape, or form will I ever tell people that Divorce is the TOTAL solution to your happiness. It isn't. In the end, I HAVE NO REGRETS for doing what I needed to do to move on. I think the main point I am trying to make is that you need to do ALL you feel you can/want to do to save your marriage, and AFTER that, you should do what you need to do to "move on". At least this way, you will not have the what if's down the road. I think one of the problems I have with some advice given here is that there is almost a notion of "it is ok to feel this bad, you have to fight for your marriage". It is ***my opinion*** that you have to do what is right for YOU HERE. Your WH has dishonored you to the worst degree possible....He has been unfaithful to you and has in the process created another human being in the process. You do NOT owe anybody an explanation for choosing to leave him and "stop the abuse". You can stay with him and ***choose*** to accept that he will have another child that he will BY LAW have to support for at least the next 18 years. This does not even take into account the pure emotional dealings and conflict you will have if in fact he takes responsibility for his actions and actually fathers this child.

This is not a decision that is easy, but if you want my opinion, the "right" thing is not what I say, or anyone else says. It is what you NEED to do to begin HEALING yourself from this devestating time in your life. You by no means need permission to DIVORCE your husband now. You have more than earned your way out of this marriage. While DV will not be a magic cure for your pain...........it may allow you to take the 1st steps to personal recovery. In my case, it did. That may not be the case for others.

Yes, this is a marriage building site.....and I know that I may not be extolling the Harley principles here, but NOONE should have to take the "abuse" in exchange for "marriage building".

Whatever you decide IS BEST FOR YOU, we will support you.

Best wishes

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think you may be waiting for the birth so you can finally get results from a paternity test. That will make it a bit easier to make your decision either way.

I lean toward you continuing to move to D, and then...as Snowbelle said...you can always remarry if he makes the necessary life decisions and enough positive changes have taken place that you would be open to pursuing that option again.

Stay removed from his chaos for now.

You have no control over what he does and to presume that asking that he not be at the baby's birth...well, was not even worth asking or using as an ultimatum. I understand the desire that he would just not want to be there on his own...after all...as far as anyone knows he is still in the A...OW is still a big part of his life. He has said himself why would he give her up as long as you wouldn't let him move home...or something along those lines. You shouldn't have bothered. I don't think it was wise to meet or talk until after the birth.

I think of you often and hope you will recover stronger than ever....so which ever way this goes you won't have to go through this again.

I do actually understand your reluctance to move to D. After all, I didn't feel like I needed to rush to D and went back and forth for 4 yrs before the major A ran its course. Thank God there was no OC.

Then when the last A happened...I still didn't go right to D....thought about it...was willing to...but he woke up and did the right things lots sooner that time.

It has been 2 yrs since then. I consider us recovered....now, to think that I could have just as 'easily' had been divorced now...Well, I think that I would have recovered anyway...especially after finding MB...and believing that a recovery can include moving to D and a new life.

IMHO him wanting to be at OC's birth is a deal-breaker.

The excuse that he doesn't want to burn bridges regarding future relationship with the child is lame.

What he really means is if he isn't there for the birth the OW would consider it a deal-breaker!

So in a sense, his decision of whether or not to attend the birth is becoming the defining moment, him having to finally choose between you and the OW.

Just stay dark and let him make his choice. And whatever he chooses, let him own that decision, and the consequences, 100%!

I really really want to file for a divorce Snow...but I always end up thinking I should give it some more time...but then I think time for what? time for more abuse? Time for HIM to make up his mind...gosh, how respectful is that? I am giving my WH time for HIM to make up his mind whether he wants me or his OW and OC? Let me just sit here and wait forever

I feel like that back in Aug 04. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted the abuse to stop. I wanted the cake eating to stop. I wanted the affair to end and i wanted WH to make up his mind NOW.

Finally i realise that i was letting my PAIN of betrayal cloud my own judgement. Divorce does not mean the PAIN will go away. Divorce is just a piece of paper.

You need to back off from demanding a quick answer like divorce or not to. Take sometime to decide. While you are deciding put WH out of your life...do a plan B or keep contact to minimum. Take this time to reflec on what YOU really want.

You have broke plan B because you wanted it to end on your own terms...you cannot force or use plan B to get WH to end the affair. It does not work that way.

Go back to plan B and do plan B for YOU...read Caren's plan B journey...

You are now too deeply focus on ending the affair or divorce.

Use plan B to focus on yourself. Stop thinking about WH and start thinking on what you want. You need time to think and you wont think straight if WH is still in the picture so back to plan B you go.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rollerscoasterpro

There is a post on recovery you may want to respond to.

I admire you for what you are doing and what you have been through. Saw the show last night (we're a bit behind in the UK - programming wise lol).

I'm sorry he hasn't landed from his planet yet, but maybe continued plan b will help his descent.

I wouldn't have your resolve. Do what you need to do. By doing the plan B you are also protecting your boys.

Take care

2b

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you cannot force or use plan B to get WH to end the affair. It does not work that way.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Zizzy, I never went into Plan B to END the affair! I went into Plan B because my love for my H was dead and I wanted to Protect the Marriage and any love I may have left for him...It had gotten very bad around Christmas for us and my goal, per my coach's advice, was to make it thru the holidays...I never intended for him to ever end the Affair...That was never my intentions of Plan B!

I have cautioned Caren a lot about Plan B an dher expectations of ending the A...I was in a Stellar Plan B until I spoke to him.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> And....YOU broke Plan B WHY? Is it the BS's job to do this and see where the WS's head is at?(we all know).No it is not.

How long have you been in Plan B?

O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">O, I have been in Plan B since Jan 2...why did I break it? I dont know..because I'm human I guess...it was really not inteneded at all...

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: RollerCoasterPro ]</small>

So, she was born Mon Feb. 21.

I hope that the paternity test will follow soon.

I am anxious to hear the results.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 12:16 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Trix...LOL...yes, the 21 is right! Heck I'm still stuck in the first week of Feb <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: RollerCoasterPro ]</small>

More good news !!
RCP..if he refused to sign the BC without proof..there IS a bit of common sense running around that brain of his.

I still say you count back..Ed's a dr for crying out loud..he can do the damn math. February birth...means May conception ? I am going to hunt through the boards to find Dads old posts, maybe we can put a timeline together.

If he was there..and saw the baby...he didn't sign that BC for a reason Kandi...and we've seen those boys..and they all have STRONG resemblence to Ed. They all have his jaw line. I wonder if he saw something that made him wait.

His addiction to her isn't so strong..or else he would have signed it right there.

I think this is a GREAT sign....I'm praying for you...to get what YOU deserve..and maybe we DON'T know what that is..but you will come out on top..no matter what.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RollerCoasterPro:
<strong> She wanted him to sign the birth cert...but he said No, not until paternity is established...she threw a FIT..this was in the hospital after he gave her the NC letter! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am confused, RCP. If he gave her the No Contact letter why was he in contact about the BC? And if you're in Plan B, how do you know any of this... through your mediator?

When and how did he give her the NC letter?

I guess it makes no difference. Has he started the paternity test yet? Should have done that the day she was born, IMHO. How long can OW stall that? Are you convinced that WH will really DEMAND the paternity test? I hope he sticks to his guns on that one thing!

I think the results of the paternity test will provide you much clarity on the issues that linger for you.

~ Snow

I know the exact dates of her last period to the time she said she was supposed to start!

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: RollerCoasterPro ]</small>

I'm crossing my fingers...there's a reason he didn't sign that thing.

The advantage to already being around 3 newborns..there is always something..that you can pull out... SOMETHING..and those boys have enough resemblence to each other that it was probably like watching the same baby be born 3 times.... Ed didn't see that Kandi.

He would have signed for no other reason !

He has nothing to lose right ?

Then why didn't he sign it ?

Something clicked.

Stay clear of him... let OW become one big pain in the butt right now...she's shine through now...while you're happy and detached from the chaos in his world...he'll be spinning his wheels.

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RollerCoasterPro:
<strong> I really do not know what is going on with him...I dont know what he is doing, or where is..."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is the best place you can be, hon! And I agree with the others that WH didn't sign on the dotted line because he's having his doubts... about time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

~ Snow

And, Snow, he's thinking with the correct head for once!

Love ya, Kandi....call me if you get a chance!

- Kimmy