This whole A business has been going on for too long. I have tried to do a good Plan A but it hasn't done any good. I was reading an article by James C. Dobson, Ph.D. entitled Hope For Couples In Crisis.

In the article, he talks about telling WS that you can't hold them against their will and that you will set them free.

He says that this can have the effect of making the WS not have to fight off the BS and change the question of how do I get out of this mess to do I really want to go?

I realize this could be a huge risk but I also realize that I can't go on like this anymore. If WW wants out I know I can't stop her so why not just let her go then I can move on with my life.

Has anyone ever read this from Dobson. It comes from Love Must Be Tough. Also, has anyone ever tried it and had it succeed?

I would say that most people that understand the concepts here....have heard of this...
it's called plan B...which comes after plan A..

ARK

Yes, I agree this is similar to Plan B. However, this is not about writing a letter and having no contact with WS. Hobson states you should sit down with WS and let them know you are setting them free.

In many ways, I can't Plan B because I don't have anywhere to move to. I am living in a foreign country and it takes about a year to get a new place to live. I guess I could always move back to my home country but I would have leave my DDs and I just couldn't do that. I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Coaster,

I think that this can be a component of Plan A...show the marriage is attractive...without seeking to control your spouse. Many folks in Plan A beg, plead and appear generally needy...it works against them....and I prefer Dobson's approach instead. I don't think this fits in with Plan B...because as you say, the idea is to change the focus for the WS, not to withdraw yourself, but to give up trying to control the outcome so that you aren't "fighting" to keep them from making mistakes....but rather allowing them to fight with their OWN demons instead of you.

I agree star*fish. I believe that has been my problem. I feel that I have seemed too needy to my WW and have made her feel sorry for me. I think by telling her I am letting her go will maybe let her know that I am not the one to feel sorry for.

The problem is after I tell her this how do I proceed?

Coaster,

Here's the problem....you have spent HOW LONG ALREADY in Plan A? I personally think you're looking for an alternative to Plan B...and you think you've found it...thus delaying what would mean not seeing her. I've learned that you can't push folks into Plan B if they don't want to go...SO for those folks...I prefer an empowering 180 strategy (Michelle Weiner Davis) which fits very nicely into Dobson's theory. It is a way of detaching in an empowering way. Do you know the guidelines?

I have been attempting Plan A for about 9 months. No, I do not know the guidelines. However, I wouldn't have a problem with Plan B if I had a place to go. Again, it is very difficult to find a place to live in my WWs country. If I were in the US I would've been in Plan B long ago.
CR

Coaster,

I sure understand the problems with international Plan Bs!! I also lived overseas and you're right that it's a whole different ball game.

So let's talk about the 180. The important thing about a 180 is that you do the opposite of what's expected of you. So I'm going to post the guidelines...but remember, they might not all apply to you depending on what you've already been doing. I think most of them will though. So here goes:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.