Hello- I posted last July when I discovered the HA - and now have more to add to that thread and can't seem to locate it so I thought I would update you all here.

We are going forward in baby steps. H says he wants to make the marriage work. However, I keep running into little things that indicate the OW is trying to stay in communication with him. The OW is out of the state and sends him mail. He doesn't throw it away when he receives it at work but puts it in the truck and then I run across it. I don't know what to do or should I ignore it. It is drving me bananas as I have not mentioned the A since for 30 days past DD. We both agreed to go forward as he asked me to forgive him. He promises it is over - then I run into pictures that she sent. How do I handle this?

DD 210
M 12
2 Child 10,11

CassieJane,

You can’t and must not ignore this or tolerate it any longer... For the marriage to recover (and for your and your husband’s personal recovery) there need to be NO CONTACT between them for life. You need to raise this important matter with you husband and speak to him. The following very important steps need to be taken a.s.a.p.

1) Your H must send OW a NC letter and ask her to stop e-mailing him. He must make it clear to her that he wants NC from her for life. Here is a sample of NC-letters. The letter must be signed by both of you (or if he sends it with e-mail both of you can include your names on the bottom) and before your H sends the letter, you must approve of it first.

2) You H must block OW from his e-mail account or open a new account.

3) If OW contacts your H in any way, he must inform you about it a.s.a.p. There needs to be total openness and honesty in a M about everything…especially for recovery.

Hope this will help,
Suzet

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 04:14 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Need to have a radically honest discussion with your Xws. Before you delve into the subject matter, lay the ground work.

Let him know you need to have a serious discussion with him, ask him if he is up to it. If he says no, then you will need to decide whether he is being a conflict avoider or just need to reschedule. If he says ok, let's talk, then set a time and get your agenda ready.

Let's go on the premise he says he will talk. Put the thumb screws away and sit down each with an equal footing.

Your agenda could look something like:

1. Can we have a discussion with you (h) being completely honest with me (W)?

H Answer: Yes.

2. I need complete truth with no holds barred. No excuses about no wanting to hurt my feelings because you have already been there done that. Can you do this?

H answer: Yes.

3. Thank you for your commitment. What 1st need to know is about any OP contact (keep it general). What is your current status?

H answer: No contact. (he's lying). Enact your plan B (better have a letter prepared or just stop the convo and walk away to go do your plan B letter).

H answer: Yes, I have been receiving mails but not opened them.

BS: What r u doing with them and why?

H: Keeping them in my truck, not sure why.

BS: This bothers me. Now that you know this, what will you do?

H: I don't know. (this type of response should end the convo).

H: Throw it away? I will do so.

BS: Yes, throw it away. I am disappointed that I have to bring this to your attention. I do not feel safe in our R as a result. What do you plan to do about protecting and reassuring my safety?

H: Whatever you want hon.

BS: This is what I need: (list your needs).
I now need a timeline when it is reasonable to expect you to complete this list. It starts now.

H: That sounds fair. 2 weeks?

BS: ok, thanks for letting me bring this to your attention.

H: Is everything alright now?

BS: Not yet but it's a start. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (give a small smile).

End of convo.

L.