I am married for 17 years and have three kids 2, 9 and 14. 5 weeks ago, discovered about WS A. The A has been on for 3 months prior to that. Once I discovered the A, it was broken and WS promised to come back to me to rebuild the marriage. Then after a week (4 weeks ago), she changed her mind - telling me she wanted to separate from me. I tried all means to persuade her to come back to me - all failed and the more I talked the more angry she would get.

And I know that the A is still going on. The OM is also a married man. Then last friday, they broke off again - in my presence. The OM wanted to go back to his family and told WS that he wanted out. WS was hysterical and directed all her anger at me. When she cooled down, she apologized but still wanted to separate from me as she said she no longer love me and wanted to lead her own life.

Now, I have been reading a lot and I know I should be doing Plan A. But it is difficult. She only want to talk to me about the kids - when and how she can see the kids - she has moved out of our house and the three kids are staying with me.

So far, I have remain calm (5 weeks of madness was enough for me) and so far I have acceded to her request for access to the kids. Other than that, we don't talk. I don't intend to initiate conversation with her and I just plan to be patient and wait. If I have any plan with the kids I would invite her - out of courtesy - like an outing or dinner for eg.

She asked me to let her go and to respect her decision. I respect her decision. But I also told her that she has to respect my decision to wait for her. But she said she would never turn back.

Is there anything I can do or I just have to wait.

She refused any form of counselling. She said she is a lousy woman and that I should let her go. She said that why must I be a saint and be so nice to her after what she has done - she don't want a saint for a husband.

I am getting desperate but I am trying to keep my cool and be patient. Need some advice on strategy I can take.

my storys a lot like yours M 24 years, 3 kids, FWW A was 3 months, d-day she stoped seeing him. then 6 months later she left with just the clothes on her back. she hooked up with him for 1 month. and is now back and has been for about 8 months our M is better than it has ever been. what helped me is i found marriage builders and i did what it said. Mb is not just what she did but it was also what i was not doing. it makes you look at yourself. if you do what you need to do to make yourself a better husband things will get better.

one thing i did do when she left when i found out were she was i whote her every day.
i allways tryed to be the soft place to land.
one day the fog lifted (after i caught her at a bar with him)
i got mad and told her that was it and then she wanted back.
we found a good mc. one that beleaves in MB
she still does not beleave in MB. but that is what help us get back together
read and do all you can hear. also read dr. harleys books

Hi,
U R in or s/b in plan A but you s/b there with a plan.

R U working with an MC? Have you read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and Love must be tough? The 1st 2 books are by Dr. W Harley and the last one is by Dr James Dobson.

You have got to do your homework. I recommend a phone call to Jennifer or Steve @ MB. They can work a plan for you vis phone counseling. They are quite good.

Right now you have to let the WS go. She will fight you for all your attempts to save your M. In reality you don't want t/b married to a WS, right? YOu want your W back. Ok, focus on that.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Read the info, take the emotional needs questionnaire, secure your finances, assume nothing good about your W because right now she is a WS and NOT your W, don't take her at face value. WS' are notarious for not keeping their word. She w/b mad at you later for allowing her to have an A. That's right, blame you for the A even. Imagine that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So shore up and put on those wading boots. Lots of crap w/b thrown your way. Keep posting here if it is helpful. YOu do have some work t/d on you 1st.

You can learn about plan B later.

take care,
L.

hello,

Yes, I have read all those books but I am still re-reading them.

And yes, I have spoke with Dr Harley and will probably speak to him soon - to firm up on what to do next.

It has been 10 days since she had broken contact with OM. And she has been acting funny recently. She was like giving a lot of attention to the kids - taking day off from her very busy schedule just to be with the kids. And yes, she has been initiating contacts with me - showing me concern and all that. She has been home for dinner and has brought the kids (I went along) to dinner as well.

But at times she is driving me crazy - like telling me how I should handle the kids, how I should be spending my time, how her family is driving her crazy and at times just leave me cold and dry - like asking me to go play golf with her and then at the last minute to cancel it. So far, I have managed to keep my cool and not respond negatively to what she is throwing at me.

I know I just have to be patient and I am doing just that. The only thing I am not sure is if I should start to "be nice to her" - I do not believe it is right time yet - as she will be defensive again and saying that I am controlling her life.

the other thing, should I start to fill up my life without her or should I wait patiently for the fog to clear?

I still love her and want her back.