I am married for 17 years and have three kids 2, 9 and 14. 5 weeks ago, discovered about WS A. The A has been on for 3 months prior to that. Once I discovered the A, it was broken and WS promised to come back to me to rebuild the marriage. Then after a week (4 weeks ago), she changed her mind - telling me she wanted to separate from me. I tried all means to persuade her to come back to me - all failed and the more I talked the more angry she would get.

And I know that the A is still going on. The OM is also a married man. Then last friday, they broke off again - in my presence. The OM wanted to go back to his family and told WS that he wanted out. WS was hysterical and directed all her anger at me. When she cooled down, she apologized but still wanted to separate from me as she said she no longer love me and wanted to lead her own life.

Now, I have been reading a lot and I know I should be doing Plan A. But it is difficult. She only want to talk to me about the kids - when and how she can see the kids - she has moved out of our house and the three kids are staying with me.

So far, I have remain calm (5 weeks of madness was enough for me) and so far I have acceded to her request for access to the kids. Other than that, we don't talk. I don't intend to initiate conversation with her and I just plan to be patient and wait. If I have any plan with the kids I would invite her - out of courtesy - like an outing or dinner for eg.

She asked me to let her go and to respect her decision. I respect her decision. But I also told her that she has to respect my decision to wait for her. But she said she would never turn back.

Is there anything I can do or I just have to wait.

She refused any form of counselling. She said she is a lousy woman and that I should let her go. She said that why must I be a saint and be so nice to her after what she has done - she don't want a saint for a husband.

I am getting desperate but I am trying to keep my cool and be patient. Need some advice on strategy I can take.

Oh Simple Man,

I cannot offer much in the way of avise, I am too much in the middle of my own mess but there are others here who have will be able to do that for you.

Good for you for being the one who remains the anchor for your children, if we can just remain focused on their well being we will find a way to live through all the mess.

I know 17 years and getting shafted seems like a stab in the heart. It is! It never ceases to amaze me how weak so many people are, usually it is their selfishness that takes them over the edge. Remain the wonderful man you surely are!

Shellly

If you haven't done so already, EXPOSE the affair to the other betrayed spouse!

The other betrayed spouse deserves to know and most likely will help make it more difficult for the affair to continue.

Also, consider exposing the affair to others: family, friends, coworkers (if they work together), children (if they're old enough).
Affairs need secrecy to survive AND to be fun.
Exposure usually ruins all their fun LOL

Yes, this will make your wayward wife FURIOUS with you - but do it anyway - ASAP!

She will try to scare you into thinking that by exposing you have destroyed all chance of reconciliation BUT isn't she already saying that will never happen?

Hey, didn't she say she didn't want to be married to a saint? (grin) So don't worry about exposure making her angry. Remember, exposure is one of the things you are advised to do in Plan A and it is NOT considered Love-Busting even though it will probably make your wayward spouse angry.

Check out the thread on exposure 101.

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Hello Simple Man,
I'm sorry you are here and experiencing this pain. But, you are in the right place. Don't lose hope right now...things are just getting started and if the OM has broken things off, that is a very good sign for you and your family. The A is probably dying, but in the first few weeks she and OM could go back and forth for awhile. So, what to do now?

I am kinda new at this too, but your e-mail struck a chord in me because your situation is eerily similar to mine. Unfortunately, I am a FWW in this scenario, but here I am six weeks into no contact and I am back with my H and things are definitely on a good, good path. I have been married 19 years and with small children, had a three month A, ready to separate from my H and then the OM called it off. I'm glad he did. Did us both a HUGE favor and came to his senses.

Your wife will experience withdrawals for several weeks. She is probably in extreme pain and she is probably thinking if she separates from you, the OM will join her. It's sad because he probably won't if he's decided to go back to his family already. Perhaps the A is still going on and they rejoined after the phone call you heard establishing NC.

You should call the OM's W and talk, expose what is going on. Make things extremely uncomfortable for OM. Your W will be furious, but so what. Let it roll off your back. She is your wife and you have children who need her in the family. Expose everything to the OM's wife. Don't assume she knows everything.

She will say things to you that are extremely hurtful about how she doesn't love you, yada yada yada. Don't take it to heart. She is in a fog and not the wife you know. I know it's hard, but don't get discouraged yet.

Keep doing what you are doing. I admire how you are being strong for your children and keeping your head. Perfect! Be very, very nice to your wife during this time. And most importantly, be a good listener and her friend when she needs to talk. Let her know often that you are there to listen whenever she wants to talk about what she is feeling and thinking, but don't push talk about relationship too hard. Read about Plan A, because yes, that is what you need to do. Try and patiently negotiate her moving back in with you and the kids. Listen to her about what it will take for her to work at the marriage, what was wrong with the marriage and what her needs are. This will take weeks and not days. Keep being patient and there for her.

I will be thinking good thoughts for you and your children. Just know that it can work out. I am here with my family and on the road to recovery, but each day brings something difficult to deal with. Your rollercoaster is just getting started. Stay stong.

I am sorry if I have not being very clear.

The other betrayed spouse is fully aware. In fact, she was the one who told me about the affair. And in the past few weeks when their A ended and got together again - I was in the dark and the other betrayed spouse was the one who kept me informed. She is my radar actually. If she did not call then it is good news.

The A has been on/off for numerous times. Each time my wife had threatened suicide - she did 2 attempts (one ended up in hospital) - when the affair was suppose to end. The final straw was last friday when it ended in my presence. I have to literally suffer physical abuse from her to keep her calm and prevented her from doing stupid things. I don't really know if the A has really ended. This time both seemed determined - all agreed to change mobile and house numbers. Both agreed to terminate all email accounts and contacts. As a final settlement, my wife actually gave him two tight slaps for "supposedly leading her to believe that they can be together forever". Now my wife is calling him a scoundrel not deserving of her love - I don't know if that is a good sign.

I don't really know if the A has ended but all signs seemed clear. Right now, I try to be very patient with her; I just listen to her; I did not intiate contact with her unless necessary; I just go on with my life. I notice a change in her; she no longer scream at me, in fact she started to be polite and considerate; informing me about her activities without me asking, telling me when she will be going for business trips and all. I see all this as a good sign.

And yes, the kids know about the A.

I just want to be sure that I am doing the right thing - that is be patient and wait for her to come out of the fog.