I was told I may have more luck with this question in this forum...I have read all the issues covered in the Q&A and none relate to what I have going on. My husband and I will be celebrating our 1 year ann. in less than 3 weeks. we met, fell in love and married in 3 months. We never went over the financial obligations of eachother. Since the winter months he couldn't work because of the weather and I had to pick up the slack. I was paying for the rent, utilities, auto insurance, both of our monthly child support payments and the automobile insurance. Suddenly money was missing from my bag and he wouldn't tell me about it until I asked. Several times this happened and I informed him that I didn't mind if he took money, just let me know so I could adjust it for the bills. It got worse and one day our change jar wound up missing. I asked about it and he said he took it, so I explained to him that I was saving it for a little splurge at the years end. He agreed and replaced it. Three days later it was gone. I called and again asked if he took it. He said yes and didn't think it was that big a deal. I eventually had to buy a SAFE to keep him from the money in the house. He has no access to the checking account and refused to be joint when it was opened. I called this "taking of money without telling" stealing. Is it between a married couple??? Please help!

Well, I don't know if it is stealing, but it certainly isn't good that you have to get a safe to put all loose change in!

What is your concern? That you maybe don't know him very well, and are uncertain why he is taking this money? And why are you posting this on the Infidelity site? Do you suspect an A?

Spidey

A,

Since you can not steal what already belongs to you..I would have to say no.

What might be a better, more acute description..is that H is demonstrating untrustworthy behavior.

Is that why you were advised to post here?

Noodle

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

The person who responded to my initial post in resolving conflict said there was more traffic here. I don't believe he's cheating, but in the beginning we agreed that my money was mine and his was his unless it came to the house bills... Money was dissapearing and I don't know where it went. When he makes a little during the week, I don't see any of it for the household bills....I haven't seen more than $500 for 8 months now. If this post was in the wrong section I appologise. I don't know where this topic belongs.

Is it stealing....it definitely IS untrustworthy and childish.

Where does he get his spending money when he is not working....

Have you discussed divvying up the family pot so he has enough for his personal expenses....he obviously would need some money for himself even when he is not working....

You two need to POJA this. You need to give him a REASONABLE amount for his own personal needs and he needs to STOP taking money without asking.

But if you do this and money still goes missing then YOU need to investigate. My H did this sort of thing too in the past when he had a drug problem that he has hiding from me.

And when your H IS working you hand X amount of bills. And he has to pay them....and if your power gets cut off then so be it...let him experience the humiliation of his actions if he is not acting responabily. I had to do this too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This is not an issue for us anymore.

Hello Akita,

This board does have a lot of traffic but that doesn't mean that everyone should come here with their problems.This one mainly deals with the fallout of Infidelity.I hope that is not the impression people are giving out.Nonetheless,you are welcome of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well it seems to me that you've gotten yourself in a pickle here.You met and married your H rather quickly and now you may be finding out about some financial issues your H has.Is he routinely out of work in cold weather? How will that affect your budget? You mentioned that you both have obligations to other children,so,how do you feel about being the one to take care of that responsibility if your H is out of work?

IMO,anyone that takes something from my purse that is not theirs is stealing.Just because I am married doesn't mean my H can take anything of mine he wants.I would appreciate being asked first.Stealing per se,may be a harsh word but what other word can we use?

My big concern is what is your H taking the money for? If he was paying the joint bills himself with this money,then I wouldn't be as upset.I would,like you,just require that he let me know that he did indeed need it for bills and then you could arrange to maybe keep it somewhere more accessible to you both.But,you didn't mention that.Is he paying bills or using it for his own purposes? It sounds very fishy to me.His behavior is not caring and considerate,not at this point.

O

edited for typos

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

It doesn't sound like you knew him very well before marrying him. Is it possible that he has a drug habit that is causing him to take money from you? That was my first thought...possible crack addict. They notoriously lie, steal, and pawn. Did you ever have a background check done on him...you may want to do that. Have you asked his X-wife about his history? Why did they D?

If that is not the case then I would suggest another addiction...gambling? Anyway, he is aware that you both have bills that need to be paid...how does he expect to pay them.

Maybe he needs to have that reseponsibility...but he needs to be earning money first. It sounds like he is a little boy taking money out of his mommy's purse. He sounds immature or just irresponsible with a bit of dishonesty thrown in.

A character flaw?

You could POJA your joint financial concerns. Usually, successful marriages join their funds and pay their bills from the general fund...no his money...my money. Maybe it isn't like that with 2nd or 3rd marriages. I don't know.

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Read and have him read the Policy of Radical Honesty.

It doesn't sound like he is being radically honest about what he is using the money for. He already knew that you ear marked the money for other things and went ahead and took it anyway. Does he feel entitled? Not very considerate of him.

Financial differences can effect lots of other areas in a marriage. I would guess financial security in an important EN for you. I know it is for me.

I hope you are able to sort this out in a good way. Can you each allow each other so much cash a week then put the rest in an account for bills...so you don't have that cash laying around.

My H saves all his change and it has helped pay for our vacations. He gets annoyed when one of our grown kids will pilfer quarters from his jars for car washes and the like.

Personally, I'm kind of old fashion about money. I believe that the resources and earnings of the husband and the resources and earnings of the wife belong to the family. Of course, that's easy for me to say because my husband and I have been married for many years and started with nothing. We developed our financial philosophy as we went along and fortuntely we meshed. Me casa es tu casa.

Over the years, it seems to me that the couples who kept all of their finances separate were just begging for trouble. It's hard to have a "we" when there are so many pots of "me". Easier to have affair, easier to separate. The "you and me against the world" thing makes for a better partnership.

Akita, ask yourself this question: If you were a stay at home mom, with no income, no job, no paycheck, would it be right for you to take and spend the working partners money? Maybe you need to set up an allowance system for when he's not working.

GG,

It's not clear if Akita's H is using this money for bills or who knows what.If the H was taking the money to pay bills,I for one would be OK with that.But Akita doesn't mention this.

Her H also refused to be on a joint checking account.A small red flag is up for me there.Not sure what that is about.Hopefully she will respond with more info.

O

I won't offer a knee jerk answer potentially involving honesty and integrity without first asking you a question.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Akita2004:
<strong>we met, fell in love and married in 3 months.

I was paying for ..... both of our monthly child support payments.....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What were the circumstances of the ending of both your former marriages in relation to meeting and marrying your current husband?

Yes, this could be pertinent to your question about stealing.

I won't offer a knee jerk answer potentially involving honesty and integrity without first asking you a question.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Akita2004:
<strong>we met, fell in love and married in 3 months.

I was paying for ..... both of our monthly child support payments.....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What were the circumstances of the ending of both your former marriages in relation to meeting and marrying your current husband?

Yes, this could be pertinent to your question about stealing.

WAT

We also started our marriage with nothing and I became a SAHM for many years. I always did the bills; H was neither interested or inclined. He always had enough money for himself to spend. His money was always our money. We were both free to make minor decisions on how to spend within reason.

The only time that money came into question was during his A. He stashed money for a while, then we opened separate accounts when we separated.

Once reconciled we've gone back to one main joint checking account. He was very agreeable to my setting up weekly support payments (we have our own business and I do the payroll) that allowed the family to live in a manner that we were accustomed.

I guess more history from Akita may shed some light on their problems.

To all: You are all on the right track. He did have a drug problem in the past that he informed me he was over when we met. I have met his X and I'm not quite sure what made them seperate. Hubby is a Roofer and work is very limited in the winter. When money started to dissapear, he was working some. I have given up on the Child support and won't pay for his truck payment. It's too much of a burden to me. I ask on accasion if he can give money for bills and he says "not this week" all the time. He makes good money when he works, but he has never disclosed how much, and won't talk about it when the subject is brought up.
Hope this info helps....I don't trust him anymore.

PS all utilities are in my name and if they are turned off for non payment it's on my head. He's already 2 months behind on his truck payment. in which I already gave him over $2K to bring it up to date last month.I can't believe he would pay a $100 electric bill when he doesn't pay his $69 a week child support payment.

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: Akita2004 ]</small>

I know a roofer who was on top of the world financially...married with kids, good credit, a few investment properties, nice trucks, Harleys... He started having A's with low life ho's and hanging out with the wrong friends. He bacame a crack addict and lost it all. Spent time in prison... He was a really nice guy. He still is when you talk to him. But the drugs destroyed him. His life choices destroyed him. He self-destructed. He lost his wife and 2 kids, had at least one OC which he also lost.

Your H is exhibiting behavior that indicates he may not have really changed but was on his best behavior for a time. He doesn't seem trustworthy and you would be prudent to protect yourself.