MB has been a godsend to me in learning about relationships!

I have a good friend "E" who is single. He has a close "friend" "K" that is married. We've had some long conversations about the appropriateness of his "friendship" with K.

I think I have helped him to realize that he is having an emotional affair. He had a million reasons to justify the situation, but when I turned the tables on him and asked if it would be ok if he were married for his wife to have a relationship like the one he has with K. Clearly it would NOT be ok, so I think he gets it.

However, E is a rescuer. K needs rescuing. She is in an abusive (physically on occasion, emotionally/mentally often.) She has 3 very young kids (2 "make it better" babies) She does have a mom and sisters in the area that can support her -- although she tells E that they are not helpful.

So my question to this group -- does the element of danger to K make a difference on whether or not E stays involved in this relationship?

Should he remove himself from this triangle -- or should he remain involved to get her "out". He's really not in a place to take on her and 3 kids.

I've been coaching him to remove himself, but the abuse angle has got me questioning things.

Please...help me help him!

Hi Lexxy,

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for your friend, it w/b best if he WASN'T involved. His 'friendship' c/b the cause for more abuse not less.

As for help, this woman can get help from other sources. You realize that the EA to her maybe her tool against her H and even if there is some truth to the abuse, it c/b out of proportion when she gives it to E to handle.

Women are very bad and love to manipulate. How much truth there is to her story is questionable.

E can test her truth by seeing if she is willing to contact local abuse women's groups and work with her family. If she says she only wants his help, he'd better RUN away QUICKLY!

JMHO,
L.

Lexx

he can't get her out...

it's so hard to believe or imagine...

LEX YOU CAN"T GET HER OUT>>>>>
how can he..

surely your getting her out would be less dangerous than a HIM getting her out...and she's not leaving...

it's so painful...and I myself am horrified to watch as a my dear friend drowns in her sorrow as she accepts back in to her world...a man who choked her more times than I care to count...

and I can't help her
and i can't stop her....

Lex....she won't go... not because of him or anyone else....she has to choose to go because the man abuses her....

so so so sad...........

your male friend is more likely enabling her to handle her reality and enabling her stay within the escapism of their friendship...

ARK

Hi Lexxxy,

Good to see you hon.

I agree with Orchid on this.

But I'd also offer that K's situation requires a professional's help. Physical abuse is an addiction of it's own (on both sides) and can escalate in becoming very serious.

Best if E tells K to seek professional support and removes himself from this potential triangle all together.

Best,
Jo

p.s. Maybe you can give us an update on you, Lexx??

Also keep in mind you are only hearing one side of the story. Often times a person involved in an A will label their spouse as emotionally abusive in order to justify that A.

Wow...I got the best of the best!

Thank you for the replies!

Orchid -- I think you're dead on with questioning her stories. And its super advice to point her at some shelters, I hadn't thought of that. I had that same concern that the violence might escalate with his involvement.

Ark -- thats some of the same advice that I've given him. He can't fix this for her. And she's had offers from family but told them she had to do it "her way." Scary.

Resilient -- its a very good point that there are some addictive elements to this. She really does need a professional.

Kloe -- exactly. Thats been my point to him as well. I think he is really questioning some of the stories now. I don't disbelieve that she's being abused, and I'm feeling bad about making him doubt her. But the fact remains that WS's often exagerate how awful their spouse is.

I've been second guessing myself and feeling bad about encouraging him to withdraw from this relationship.

I really appreciate the back-up from the pros!

Lexx,

I'm sad to say that I have been in the exact position as K, only with 2 young children instead of 3 - and Ark hit the nail on the head.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your male friend is more likely enabling her to handle her reality and enabling her stay within the escapism of their friendship...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">E's involvement is most likely a bright spot in her life right now. Things will have to get bad enough for K before she makes the decision to leave. If E is providing that "escapism" for K it could very well be preventing her from hitting rock bottom - which is where she will have to be before she does make that decision. Sometimes the only way to help someone is to NOT help them so they will help themselves.

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

Froz -- yep yep yep. He just told me about a conversation that they had this morning. She says she walks around her house thinking about him and wishing she could be with him.

I tried to tell him this is all a fantasy. He doesn't know anything about her really. What would the stress of a normal relationship do to this?

Really interesting point about the need to hit rock bottom -- he absolutely has become her safety net.

Thank!

Okay, just to add another "get out of the triangle"....

By staying in contact with your friend, it is enabling her abusive relationship. 1) Her abuse seems to be the subject of the support your friend gives her and 2) she fills up on love units from your friend, which in turn gives her enough energy to return to her abuser.

He should GET OUT and tell her he will not have contact with her again until she does. I guess sort of like a PLan B....

that's my 2 cents.