I feel like such a bad person for even writing this, because so many people here are in such a worse place than me, but I just have to ask. Let's see D-day was Dec. 19th, and there has been no contact since then, except when she aprroached my H to contact me! The problems now are all with me. My H has really been trying to win me back, and to prove that he loves me, and always did. I just cannot seem to accept anything he does. I have even told him that at times I feel I no longer love him! I know that is bad, but we are being very honest with each other.
How do I get passed this? Will I ever be able to? I just look at the things he tells me, and get mad, hurt and very confused. He says he never thought that she was better than me, or that she understood him better. He never felt like they were "soulmates" or that they had more in common than us. He never thought she was the better lover, just more spontaneous(which is easy to be when there aren't 3 young kids running around). She made him feel good, b/c of the nice things she said, but she never told him anything that I didn't. He never wanted to leave me, he thought what we had was perfect. However, he did start to feel love for her(she was meeting his most imp. EN). If he felt this way about me and our marriage, why would he have an affair, right?
I am just so confused, and I actually feel bad for him, b/c he IS trying so hard, but I just feel hopeless anyway! He claims to have no positive feelings left for her, and only thinks about her when I bring her up, which is a lot. I just don't know how to deal!
Any advice would be helpful! Thanks!

Hon - I'm no one to give advice, but if I could, I'd advise this:

Give it time. Ask him all the questions you need to ask - you have to work thru this hurt, you can only do it by talking it out. If he does love you like he says, he will help you. Let him know that you are just trying to heal

Give it time. Work on those ENs, even if you don't feel like it, even if it feels awkward and odd.

Give it time. You will make it thru this!

Give it time.

David

True,
I am not an expert. I have lurked here quite a bit, but only posted a few times. I feel the need to respond to you b/c you could be describing my feelings exactly. The only difference is I feel a lot of anger also. To shed some light on it for you, if this helps, my IC told me that I hold on to my anger as a way of protecting myself. That I don't let my H be there for me because then I would have to face the fact that he is able to be there for me, and that it is easier to be angry or hurt than it is to focus on myself and what I can do to make things better. There are many times I feel that I cannot do this anymore, and when I say the words to my H I regret it immediately. I am 5 1/2 mos. past D-day and it has gotten a little better, but I still feel very hurt and angry. My H also told me that he thought that he might have been falling in love w/OP,(he has since said that was not true, he only thought that -- but once he stepped away from the A he realized that she was just making him feel good about himself) and that he never intended to leave me. This is one of the things I have the hardest time with, which it sounds like your H said something similar. My IC explained this to me saying that some people have the ability to compartmentalize (sp?) things and that it is very likely that he never intended to leave,he just got caught up in the feelings -- like a drug. Well, I don't know if that helps, but hopefully it will.

Thanks for the responses!
T, thank you for reminding me to give it time. I tend to forget that it's only been 2 months. My H just wishes that I could feel better again, and hates that he is the one who caused all this pain. He seems to really have gotten over her, and looks back at the time as the biggest mistake of his life. He tells me(when I ask about the positive things about her) that he doesn't want to remember her in ANY positive light! I guess that's good.
Limi, Yes your sitch sounds very similar to mine, except that my H A was shorter than that, and that the OW broke it off with him. I am also having a very hard time with the fact that he felt like he was falling in love with her, and that he told her he loved her many times, even as she was breaking up with him. I think that b/c he didn't come to his senses that he is only here b/c there is no alternative. However, he did not have to tell me about the A, he felt that I had the right to leave a M that was not based on truth anymore, so he came clean as soon as he thought I suspected something.
Thanks again for your advice, and please don't just lurk, write too! It is very helpful to talk to people who are in similar situations(and unfortunately, ours sounds very close)!
True

TTS,

Never feel bad or guilty when seeking help. What type of reading or MC work have you done? You both can't just brush this aside. Major part of both your recoveries lie ahead. Your H is NOT over the A yet, he may think he is but he isn't. No more than one is over the flu just because their temperature broke.

Please read the link in my sig line about the 5 stages of grieving. It is for the BS. Both the WS and BS go through various stages of withdrawal and grieving. What you described is normal.

Your H and you need to have a plan to now help you. He can't 'just be over it' and expect you to do the same. You weren't in on 'all of it'. So you are NOT in the same place as he is. He needs to know that. A good MC will help each of you at your own pace.

Have you ever considered phone counseling w/Steve @ MB? He w/b great for both of you or even just yourself.

L.