It is definitely sick....sick stuff...but this brings up a different stat I would like to add here...

The escalation of violence in the home when adultery is happening. This is something that is imho..very much downplayed in the media. The actual percentages of violent acts in the home where adultery lives.

We need to educate the professionals about how prevalent it is. And yes, many of the perpetrators do not have a history of violence either...one other poster put it well saying it was due to the lies piling up and piling up and the WS not being able to pull off the lie any more and they crack.

I would encourage all here who are victims of adultery to be aware that the WS aren't only thinking like they've been abducted by aliens...they act like it too...and can react in ways very unlike their old selves...I oughta know.

My xh broke into my home shortly before I was to arrive home from work 1.5 years ago. My neighbor caught him, saw him climbing from my back deck into my family room through a window. He got onto my computer, checked my caller id, and a very expensive watch went missing...but we could never prove he got it...however, same type but different style of same watch wound up on wrist of OW...now wife. He was caught, spent only 1 night in jail and county issued an RO against him so he couldn't bother me...he fought the RO and had his attorney even pressure me to lift it. Couldn't give the other women up...couldn't quit wanting to control me either. It got very volatile at the end...he was very horrid and abusive...and this man is not anything like the stereotype..a business executive gone amuck basically.

Sometimes you gotta be smart with these WS. Their little charade is all they have. When a d day comes, or exposure arrives, be prepared and stay safe.

I believe in exposure. I think for many here it is good. But in my case, made my WS much more wayward and pushed him over edge. But I believe he was headed in that direction anyhow.

If WS exhibits any "wierd" behaviors, by all means do these little things...(told to me by county domestic violence police when they talked to me)1)change your schedule so you're not predictable 2)get caller id and screen all calls 3)get a tape recorder for phone and cell 4)get burglar alarm 5)let your neighbors know your schedule and to call you and police if they see anything suspicious. 6)take threats seriously.

My x turned into somebody I don't know. It is sad. It's really sad.

Here, on this site, we look for hope. And we want our lives and marriages restored. It will happen for some...For others, like me, it is about restoring your life again and becoming whole.

Was told by the police that you cannot predict the actions of someone who's life is out of control...and somebody having an affair and ripping up a family deliberately is out of control. That is what they told me. Never did I believe that I would have this kind of stuff happen to me. But it did. So you stay safe. Take extra measures to protect yourself.

My friend, Orchid, says that you don't have anything to do with a WS...it's your spouse that you'd want back. That's excellent advice. The WS is not somebody you can trust. They are out of control. I read how one woman's husband left recently and is lying to everybody including his mom about where he is. Got fired from his job and just moved away suddenly. Now is somebody like that stable? Or are they out of control?

It is time we did not choose to ignore violence...domestic violence that is prevalent in the home where one spouse is committing adultery. It is serious.

Can somebody here find exact stats of percentages of violence in homes w/adultery? My old counselor (over a year ago) said it was high.

justpeachy, thank you for your excellent post. I have always believed that infidelity was behind the vast majority of domestic violence cases, and I never could understand why the news stories always downplay the connection.

I guess that's because everybody knows that affairs are really "fun" and "harmless" and are "GOOD for your marriage and your self-esteem" -- right? Wouldn't want to make anyone feel bad about themselves, or spoil their fun.

And for anyone who's wondering -- a *defense* attorny on MSNBC a while ago basically said "stick a fork in him, he's done" about the man who killed Lisa Underwood and her son. The guy gave a full and detailed confession and if nothing else, the fact that he strangled the terrified seven-year-old to death will be more than enough to get him the needle.

And another thought -- I would bet a lot that the seven-year-old was also an OC. (I don't know this, but I wouldn't be surprised.) Just shows what sort of world he was, sadly, brought into, and why most sane people think having children this way just might not be a good idea. Look what a dreadful environment it is for them.
Mulan

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: spinning the drain ]</small>

creepy. They arrrested him in Tyler today, where my office is. It is all the buzz here.

Like I said, WAT... glad they got him in Texas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please, please, please any bleeding hearts preaching forgiveness, make your case. Go ahead - pray for this monster and tell him he can still be "saved." Go ahead - make my day.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, can't believe nobody else took a bite, I'm game, I'll bite.

Of course we believe he can be saved, if he confesses his sin, repents and changes his ways. If we did not believe this for him, than everything we have held to be true in our hearts about Christianity would no longer be. It is about Faith, Wat, you don't have to like it, you don't have to understand it, but some respect for it would be nice.

We are all different people from different backgrounds, we will not all think the same way. Appreciate the difference.


KY

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I am glad the creep is caught.

Also, would love to see if somebody can actually find the stats regarding domestic violence when adultery is present in a M. I tried, and can't find them myself, but might be looking in wrong places.

I believe most people can be changed, provided they are able of really having a "come to terms" moment when they realize the whole aspects of what they have done. However, I have a sinking suspicion that alot of the WS out there, more than most people might thing, have issues with narcissism and possibly could be a bit sociopathic, which in the case of people like this doofus who acted out of being "found out" and like idiots like Peterson, are...these are people who aren't capable of really feeling anyway.

Some people who commit acts of violence at the spur of the moment, yes, I think will feel shame, guilt, and seek forgiveness. But honestly, there are some out there who are incapable of those very feelings period. It is sad, but that is how they are wired.

I was at the bookstore the other day and saw a book entitled:
The Sociopath Next Door

One the cover the author claimed 1 in 4 people are sociopaths!

I found that statistic a bit incredible...
Until I remembered there was some survey done of schoolchildren that said the #1 answer to the question is such-and-such activity wrong was:
"It's wrong for you to do if you think it's wrong"

Obviously, most adulterers argue they aren't doing anything wrong. And I guess that's how sociopaths think? So according to that survey of schoolkids, actually a sociopathic sort of justification for doing whatever you think is OK to do is an attitude that is on the rise in our society.

Years ago I read an article about the ability to feel compassion. The article said that preteen kids, before they get interested in the other sex, normally went through a stage where they were interested in pets and playing with younger siblings, baby dolls, stuffed animals, etc. With children becoming interested in the opposite sex, dating, and sex itself at younger ages, the period for development of compassion has been shortened. The article explained this was linked to the increase in violence in our society (A factor - not the ONLY factor).

You hear people say that you can't legislate morality. Without debating whether or not you can do that, IMHO you can model and teach it, prevent interference with development of it, and provide consequences.

Unfortunately, it has become quite trendy to deny that adultery is harmful. The betrayed spouses are often just expected to "get over it" and some even view the betrayed spouse's depression as evidence that the betrayed spouse is mentally unstable, rather than the adulterers.

Also, the betrayed spouse is expected to shield the adulterers from any consequences. Esppecially harmful is the belief that adultery and divorce doesn't really hurt the children AND that if the children show signs otherwise it must eb the betrayed spouse's fault (betrayed spouse must have turned the children against the wayward spouse).

IMHO there needs to be much more public education about how harmful adultery/divorce is, not just to the betrayed spouses, but also to the children, society in general, and even to the adulterers themselves.

It would also help if people would speak up more against adultery/divorce (be 'judgemental').