Nine months ago I discovered that my husband of 12 years has been having a phone sex type relationship with a former sexual partner of his for the last 10 years. In addition to phone sex, masturbation, and sexual games they have engaged in leaving suggestive notes along with an occasional gift (pornography, bottle of wine) for each other on their vehicles and my husband also admitted to exposing himself to her as well as taken her out to lunch. I have copies of the notes (she sent them to me) and they are very explicit. I am totally devastated and had no idea any of this was going on. I didn't even know they knew each other. I had been seeing a counselor (he went 2 times) and am trying to get my life and self-worth back. He is extremely remorseful and has absolutely no feelings for her. He said it was like calling a 900 number. Only problem is, he "talked" to the same woman each time; someone whom he had had a sexual relationship with in the past plus all the additional "games" they played. He has no respect for her whatsoever and says he loves me and always has. He has no idea why he carried on with her for all these years. My counselor and I have come to the conclusion that he exhibits many characteristics of sexual addiction. My husband agrees that it certainly is a possibility. I am trying to forgive him and we are depositing love units into each others banks as fast as we can and are falling in love all over again. The problem is I'm having trouble with trust and getting over the years and years of deceit and betrayal. The sheer magnitude of how many years I was a clueless fool boggle my mind. I'm often depressed (am on an anti-depressant) which he has a very hard time coping with, probably due to how guilty he feels. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. But, how do I forget about all the years I was made a fool of, and wasn't enough or good enough for him? Why am I good enough for him now? How do I get over the heartbreak and loss of my life as I knew it? I feel like Truman (The Truman Show) must have felt when he found out the life he thought he was living, wasn't the life he had at all. It was all a lie.<BR>

Wow, Melly,<BR>That is quite a story and I really feel for you. Don't have much time now, but it dos sound like you 2 are at least headed in the right direction to work on this together. The biggest thing yu have in your favor is time. It will take time for you to begin to trust, and Dr. H suggests that it is best to have a healthy amount of distrust anyway. Your self -esteem has taken a blow, but if you read here and try some of the suggestions made on some of the posts, that too will get better. Welcome to our little group. I'm sure others will respond ot you.<P>Beth

Hello MellyMay,<P>I'm so sorry for the devastation and anguish you are going through...you have found a wonderful place to learn, grow and heal. There are great people here with many different experiences - all leading to infidelity in one form or another.<P>My H is also at the moment (and for the last 2+ years) a good candidate for having a sexual addiction. <P>This is fairly new to you and as you've pointed out, a very big traumatic shock to you!!! How did all this finally come out in the open, if you don't mind my asking?<P>Time will help you with all the emotions and self esteem turmoil you are in. I really don't know the circumstances, but how could you call yourself (or think of yourself as) a fool? You are not a counselor or detective!!! You are not trained to spot symptoms of an illness or addiction.....especially one like sexual addiction which can be hidden pretty well. It's not like drugs or alcohol where they exhibit outward physical signs of their problem.<P>Please, Melly.....don't you believe for one minute that YOU have been inadequate in any way!!! Your H is the one with this problem - YOU ARE NOT!!!!!<P>It has nothing to do with your not being what he wants or needs. Ten to one you don't have any part in this in his mind.<BR>It is like an underground life - a thrilling decadent experience that he got some strange HIGH from!!!! It's naughty and exhilerating at the same time. Something within HIM needed this high....that is what you two must ultimately discover!!<P>When you get to that point with counseling and using the communication and relationship tools that can be found through learning.......you will be able to define the root cause of his behavior and correct it.<P>You are NOT a fool......don't let yourself fall into that way of thinking. You are a wonderful person who trusted and loved the man in her life. What he did behind your back was IN NO WAY a reflection on you - they reflected his OWN insecurities and problems.<P>Welcome again to MB....Peruse through the posts and Dr Harley's site. We're all here for you and your H..<P>No more of this Fool talk, though!!!!<P>OK????<P>Sending you a BIG HUG - You deserve it and so much more.....you are a wonderful and loving person to be able to work with and help your H through this bewildering addiction he has found himself with.<P>I have a feeling that you two will end up learning so much and having a marriage that is stronger than you had ever dreamed.<P>Sheba

What a sad story. What pain.<P>{{{hugs}}}

Pilot's Wife, Sheba, and trustntruth,<P>Thanks much for the words of encouragement and the hugs.<P>Sheba,<P>Sorry, I was having one of those "Gee, I feel sorry for myself kind of days." Although, it's difficult to not feel foolish for not having a single clue for all these years. I guess he was just extra sneaky and/or cautious.<P>How this all came about is she called me and told me to tell my H to stop calling her. When I asked who was speaking, she replied, "His girlfriend" and hung up. Well, thanks to technology (Caller ID) I was able to find out who she was. Actually, I do know who she is as I remember her from High School. Any way, I confronted My H and of course, he denied having anything to do with her, etc. After many days of him avoiding me and getting angry when I would bring it up he finally came up with this story. He said that yes, I know her and Yes, I have talked to the scumbag (his words) a few times over the years. She has been stalking me for many, many years and last night when she called me at work, I told her to leave me alone and not call me ever again. He then told me that she said "You'll be sorry. I'm going to get even with you." This might have been a believable story had he told me this when I first confronted him, but after a week; I found it rather hard to digest. But, it was almost Christmas and we were expecting a housefull of people, so I decided to let it go for the time being. Except for one thing: I sent her the following note; "If you know what is good for you, you will leave my husband alone. Don't call him or contact him in any way, you fat, psycho, freak!" I know this was really mean, but I thought that if his story was true, she may be a bit intimidated. But, if his story was just that; a story, she would be super pissed off and contact me again. Well, needless to say she called me again and started her conversation with "Listen here, Clueless! Your husband is the one who called me for all these years." She then told me the entire sordid story. Next she sent me copies of notes he had written (from 1987 - to 1998!). So there was no way he could deny it any longer. Some of them were very explicit. Also, since she was afraid he might come after her due to being so angry because she had told me about his secret life, she got a restraining order. So, if it wasn't traumatic enough for me to learn of this, it certainly was when the Sheriff showed up at my door with the papers. And as they say, the rest is history. We tried to figure out what her motivation was in telling me. My H said she never asked him to stop calling her. However, a few times she had hung up on him - but that was part of the "game". But, he also said that one of the last times he called her, a guy answered. I think what hapened is her boyfriend found out about my H and her and she had to cover it up by saying my H was a stalker and had been harassing her for years. This I do know is not true He is not a stalker. Why did she wait 10+ years, why do they know so much about each other, etc. Any way, a few months later we saw that she did finally get married (she is 43 and this is her first marriage). It's rather ironic, but I actually felt a bit sorry for my H due to her turning on him. Anyway, that's it in a nutshell. Bizarre, but true.<p>[This message has been edited by MellyMay (edited September 23, 1999).]

MellyMay, and anyone else,<P>I understand your pain and everything you have posted about. I have been there, maybe not in the same situations totally (whoever is).<P>There are ways to get through and past what you have been through and ways to make your marriage fulfilling and happy for both of you.<P>First, consider reading what you can about sexual addiction. A good place to start is ... <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com</A> <P>Second, find an accredited SA counselor for you and your H to talk to.<P>You will be able to use Marriage Builders' methods after the addiction has been dealt with (not just discovered).<P>And if you want to discuss this with someone who has been through what you have been through and who is recovering from it along with her H, contact me at thoughtfulangel@cheerful.com<P>Hope this helps,<BR>Hugs,<BR>Thoughtful<BR>